Not An Opportunity To Brand…

There’s a reason why I don’t watch the news,
There’s no room left on my body to bruise,
Pain and tragedy are my poetic muse,
And my heads already full,
I long for a break,
Someone to cut the fuse,
But I’m weighed down with heartache,
Longing for a retake,
Because for so long now society has played the same tape,
Never learning or owning upto their mistakes.
It has taken me a lifetime to waft away the haze,
Strip the glaze,
And truely see,
How society sees my reflection,
And why I have never reached perfection.
The odds have never been in my favour,
I was blind,
I was deaf,
I was dumb,
As to where all the hate,
Rejection,
And poor self reflection spawned from,
But now I see very clearly.
I don’t need your validation,
To feel like a valid creation.
Yet I am not deluded,
No longer musguided by secure ignorance,
My messages,
My stories,
Need hearing ears to fall upon,
No more suffering in silence,
That won’t stop the hate,
Stop the prejudice,
Stop the racism,
Scrutiny,
Murder,
Exile,
Violence,
Suicide,
Inherited opression,
Depression,
Injustice.
I don’t want to play hide and seek,
I am not a prisoner for you to keep,
Nor treasure for you to reap.
I am a human of colour,
I just wish to be seen,
Not judged,
Heard,
Not silenced,
Chances a new,
Not second hand,
To be seen as an individual,
Not an opportunity to brand.

Without Me

Smokes and Mirrors,
Filtered,
All on show,
Yet secrets non disclosed,
You are not supposed to know.
I need not search,
Nor ask,
Nor seek,
There are enough clues,
To sherlock the secrets you keep.
The biggest secret is now mine,
As I cannot unsee,
The pictures speak words,
You didn’t have the courtesy to tell me!
I am hurt,
The pain runs deep,
But I shall not report how you have made me weep.

Blood Is Thick

Tis fact that you are familiar with ill fortune,
Your ears have heard the tale of many woes,
Perhaps weakening your compassion,
Pained details becoming a fashion,
That by duty you must hear and impartially adhere to,
So much so that you perceive my grumblings as petulance,
Detached you are,
This is apparent from your facetious and needless remarks,
That you have barked,
Despite my fragility.
You harbour no emotion,
It is all innocent and guilty,
When it comes to my commotion,
Because we share no blood.
Occasionally fond of me,
But only love would enable you to hear and see,
The true pitty,
Wich is my history,
Evoking such misery,
So much so that it obliterated my destiny.
Now on a new path,
I do not forget,
Still waiting for you to love me,
But I no longer threat.
I ask for nothing from you,
And am therefor not disappointed,
You are happy with our distance,
And so it is kept.
Thinking I meant more to you,
Sums me up more than what you do,
Or don’t truly think.
You compared me to them,
That’s when I knew when,
You are detached,
And I cannot change that,
We need not walk on eggshells,
Nor tango,
Waltz,
Two Step around it,
Different blood we have,
Completely different roots,
I’ve seen the apple in your eye,
Your dedication to the princess and the glass slipper,
So made of stone you are not,
I’m just the old boot,
But a boot I am,
And I must be greatful for that,
Blood is thick,
Wine is devine,
But we all need water from time to time.

Navigate through the darkness of BPD

I promise not to be angry with you if you decide to walk away and stray elsewhere,
I most probably will be upset,
But as a veteran reject,
Every dumping gets a little easier to accept.
I do not mean to be high maintenance,
I do not mean to be a bother,
I want to explore happiness with you,
But here’s a warning,
I often get exceptionally blue.
I know depression can be mind boggling,
Psychosis scary,
Severe anxiety incomprehensible,
Self harm revolting,
Suicide attempts mortifying,
Dissociation offensive,
Self isolation frustrating,
Especially if those are things you have never personally had to get through,
But know this…
I did not volunteer to suffer from the woes that I constantly endure,
But on the border I am locked up in chains,
BPD does not define me,
But is a huge Part of me.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex illness that should not be ignored or overlooked!
In brief moments of clarity, When thinking rationally,
I can understand why you may be weary of me,
All the blood,
All the tears,
All the lows,
All the Downs,
All of the seeds of self doubt, All of the the panic,
Makes being in my life a heavy duty,
And for me living life,
Utter turmoil consistently.
Like a yoyo,
I am up and down all day,
But this is not a game,
Should it be,
I would never play.
For you,
I don’t want to be an obligation,
The hated person in your life, As much as it pains me,
If my condition is too much for you to comprehend,
I would rather you hurt and offend me,
Dessert me,
Take flight,
Then pretend to be there for me.
Communication would make it easier to process,
But the pain as sharp none the less,
Yet your confession less of a catalyst for stress.
For those of you that are consistent,
Devoted,
I truly adore and thank you,
For those that have turned their backs,
I wish perhaps you had a little more patience,
And took the time to try to understand that my illness and it’s symptoms are not something I can control,
Not anymore more than I already am,
I cannot turn on or off on command,
You cannot force or demand, That I reach upto your expectations,
So neither should you pick and chose when you want me in your life,
I just want you to hold my hand,
Be it literal,
Or virtual due to distance, Don’t turn a blind eye,
Dismiss my ill mental health, All the work I am doing to hold things down,
And be my best self.
Please don’t just chime in on social media if I’ve had a public breakdown,
Or turn up if I’m in hospital, Or buried dead and gone,
That would ultimately be too little too late.
It is important that there are no delusions,
That I know exactly who is there for me,
And therefor where I belong.
Feeling loved makes me strong,
Gives me the super drive to hold on,
Reminds me of my entitlement to stay here and live on.
To feel love,
Be loved,
And be strong.
The ignorant,
Shallow,
Disloyal,
Unfeeling,
Can do one,
As I strive to destination happy place,
Manage to navigate through the dark,
I hope to feel like I belong,
To be brave,
That’s all that I crave.

Mental Health Awareness Day

There is no shame in admitting that you are suffering,
Impatient and unempathetic people may tire of hearing,
Struggling to recognise what you are feeling,
None believing because they are not seeing,
Ill mental health may appear to be invisible,
Some people need to see scans,
Broken bones and bleeding,
Or they suspiciously cross you off as deceiving,
And that is why we need to raise awareness,
There are other telling truths then seeing to believe in.
Struggling to get out of bed,
Find joy and motivation,
Psychosis consistent,
Becomes dominant,
Especially when support off others is infrequent,
Or none existant.
When your hallucinations are more common,
Than the occurance of communication off others,
Life is bleak,
You are a prisoner to darkness,
Unable to see any light,
Each day is a fright,
And there is only one way out.
Your friends loose interest.
Your family turn their backs,
The help is infrequent,
Your lover feels trapped,
It seems like you mean to push them all away,
But just like you don’t know what to do or say,
Neither do they.
Social media is false representation,
Liking a post is not interaction,
Real acknowledgment,
Or appreciation.
Choosing to not discuss life depending issues,
Does not make them disappear.
Invitations become less.
Not one text.
You are living your life,
Avoiding the mess.
Not grasping that your neglection interjects even more stress.
So instead of being strong
Firm,
Consistent,
You just slip away,
Awkwardly as you know not what to say,
Until one day it happens to you,
And you get it,
But it is all just a little to late.
Take responsibility in knowing the basics of understanding the power of the mind.
We all have mental health,
And therefor we can and most likely will,
All experience ill mental health to some degree,
So take the opportunity to understand and be prepared,
We are not all hero’s,
If you can’t,
Or don’t want to help others,
At least help yourself.
Once you understand,
Pass the baton,
The more we know,
The more that know,
The less stigma and exclusion,
More respect and inclusion,
Hopefully leading to saving lives.
We loose too many to suicide.
Rip to those that have gone,
In your memory may we be strong,
Join forces,
Learn healing,
And live on.

Anti-Clockwise

All of a sudden you hit a brick wall,
And in slow motion you begin to fall,
Before crashing,
Like a phone malfunction,
Or computer virus,
Unbeknownst to yourself!
System down,
No control,
You’ve been hacked.
You have been rewound back in time,
Stolen,
Kidnaped,
Catapulted through an anti-clockwise time blurring tornado,
Until an abrupt reset and play.
You are back in a place where chapters were closed,
Forgotten,
And knowingly,
Once locked,
And blocked,
From your memory.
Somehow things just don’t seem or feel right,
Unsteady feet,
Disorientated,
Unable to recognise the difference between day and night,
Black and White,
It’s neither,
It’s either,
Possibly both,
Between the lines,
In the thick of grey.
Clues are there all the while,
But the chimes you cannot hear,
And the hands you cannot see.
You have been here before,
Yet this is unfamiliar territory,
You recognise the place,
Everyone’s face,
But something is awry,
Not natural or what they are supposed to be,
Because this is the second time around,
It just took a while to see,
Identify that,
I was picked up and dropped but the timing is off key.
Your hopes,
Your dreams,
And your achievements muffled.
What was,
What is,
What will be,
Scrambled.
Friends,
Family,
Loved ones misplaced,
You have stumbled,
Tripped,
And scratched your memory chip,
Lost time,
Gone back in time,
At the same time somewhere the eye cannot see,
Unsure of visions or reality,
Trying to find your feet,
But everything is off beat,
Your mind and your body,
They have been separated,
Ripped apart,
Running wild on emotions,
Lead by the heart,
My chaos just a muse for other peoples art.
I was trying to pick up from where we had left off,
But our journey had already ended.
I was supposed to start again,
But instead of somewhere new,
They took me back to you,
Where everything started.
Old friends,
Old home,
Old life.
My situation gave us a second shot,
But our relationships had already rot,
I was just dazed and confused,
The chapter had ended,
The book had been closed,
This jigsaw puzzle burnt,
I forgot and you entertained it,
For reasons I know not,
Curiosity?
You could not have also forgot?
Ten years of no contact,
Or silence,
Is an awful lot!
I regressed to a younger self,
Of cause we were older now,
Yet this didn’t play on my mind,
Everything was old,
It took time to feel new,
To catch up and be on the same page.
Trauma,
Relocation,
Life was like an animation,
I didn’t really know what was going on.
Reaching out to what I thought was safe,
Familiar,
Not recognising that we were strangers now,
Unfamiliar.
It’s double confirmed now,
I understand.
Nostalgia is sweet,
But one must learn when to accept defeat.
I thought I had been bought back to make amends,
That an old place,
Meant familiar faces,
Thus reigniting relationships with old friends,
I was so sure,
I didn’t hold back,
I lay it on thick,
And when cracks appeared,
I honestly feared,
That we had gone full circle,
And that this is where the book would end.
You ran away from me.
I understand now.
I might have even done the same,
If I didn’t recognise,
Dig deep from curiosity,
Or just blatantly see,
The shell of a body,
But oozing with dazed mentality.
I had forgotten about the silence,
The time lapse,
And therefor pushed,
But it was a force already broken.
I only realised this the other day,
Now that I am more content,
After letting you’ll go,
And finding my own way.
Our second chance is an inexplicable mystery,
The wrong path to take on my journey to recovery,
I needed a pillar,
But it was not for you to lean upon,
So let us lay it now to bed,
I meant you no harm,
And did not mean to do you wrong,
I think we are all content now,
To remember one another,
But move on.

No Love For Me!

How do you play the game of love? How do you even get to stage one? Dating!? Internet dating and I are really struggling to be on the same page. How much do you give away and how much should you keep zipped!? I have an awful lot of baggage, yet I wear my heart on my sleeve and don’t really like keeping secrets. I have become accustom to potential lovers getting on their bikes if they discover the skeletons in my closet, therefor in many ways, I would just like to get it all out and let them run before there is any danger of me getting attached! My mental health, alopecia and scars are a huge part of me but not all of me! I am loving, caring, funny, empathetic, generous and rather cute but I have alopecia, borderline personality disorder, scars and extra weight due to medication. All of my problems are genetic and through no fault of mine own. Whether I disclose just one or all or my problems, men just seem to run!
I threat that my fear of more rejection, makes me seem a little to keen and like I am in a rush but truth be told, I just want to fast forward to them running away and so I have no time to get hurt and can just move on to the next. You have to be in it to win it! I am thirty-three, all of my mates are home owners, married and having kids, whilst I am in mental health recovery, raising mental health awareness and struggling to get first dates! I want love, I am looking for love, but perhaps thus far in the wrong places!? I am searching online, speed dating and even applied for the but even they didn’t want me! So what do I do!? I call out to cupid quite often and only hope that one day he will answer and shoot some arrows for me because I want to be an awesome partner, loving wife and inspirational and doting mother.

Hot Coals…

Prematurely,
Petrified,
Terrified,
I walked across hot coals,
Bare foot,
Vulnerable,
Exposed,
Scolding,
I did it for you!
Would you have done it for me too!?
Current evidence seems to prove not.
Because I am out of sight,
It seems that you have forgot,
It is the only reason that I can think of,
To justify just how rotten,
Your lack ofor support has been.
One should always consider complications,
Things aren’t always as they seem,
But in this case,
Whilst I suffer,
You seem to have wiped your hands clean!

Patiently Single I Shall Be…

When did the act of a monogamous sexuality,
Become so unpopular and replaced with polyamory intimacy and orgy?
In order to find love with someone,
Must I spread my legs widely?
This generation of Internet googoo,
And selfy gaagaa,
Ain’t working out for me so far.
I want romance,
To be wooed with words,
Not pictures of absurd’s.
I want our hearts to beat simultaneously,
Not just through climax,
But because our souls connect,
And we become one,
Each others rock to lean upon,
Not just your Cock to sit on!
Genuine,
Love,
Like it has been cast from the divine above!
To take our time,
Tune into our senses,
Vanilla tastes sweet,
In my opinion it is so underrated.
Yet to many it is categorised as boring,
Therefor the only action my bed gets is me snoring!
Looking for “The One”,
Is increasingly frowned upon,
But I want to love,
And be loved,
Not just make sweet loving.
I seek the ultimate chemistry,
Stronger then anatomy,
Longer then organic intimacy,
Unbreakable and vast compatibility,
That connects TWO for eternity.
Until I find this,
Albeit lonely,
Patiently Single I Shall be!

Now I Need You…

I wobble as the soft wind kisses my face,
My heart stops,
I stumble at first,
Then fall.
I tried to tell you in my own way,
The heavy weight on my shoulders,
No matter how hard I tried,
It just wouldn’t go away.
I keep getting back up,
Because you said you were there for me,
Not to go,
Because you needed me,
Yet now when I need you,
You are a constant no show.
I’m not bitter,
Life goes on,
Well it does for you,
You’re so strong,
I dream of being like you,
But I just don’t belong.
Please remember me fondly,
When I am gone.