Scared and Selfish

I am unable to ignore the catastrophe,
It alarms my concious and vibrational energy,
Clawing at my empathy,
In tears I am so very sorry.
I try to be ignorant to this worlds endless brutality,
Due to my susceptibility of being overcome emotionally,
But this current war and tragedy,
Evokes unimaginable pain in me,
And that’s selfish but essentially how and what I try to express is truthfully me being sorry,
Dumbfounded by the powers that be,
I think of the innocent people and their loved ones and family,
Kids dragged into this misery,
How this nightmare is their waking reality,
The last images of those taken already,
What they have had to endure and see.
In these modern times how can this be?
Honestly I don’t understand,
My intelligence capacity is not equipped enough for this,
To be ignorant to the sheer disaster,
Of this murderous catastrophe,
Would be sweet bliss,
But there is no option of being oblivious,
Disaster has struck serious,
Blood struck,
Lives took,
And for what?
Fuck celebrities and reality TV,
Awards and dinner parties,
For recreatimg stories,
Wake up,
This is history,
Real time documentary,
With conspiracy,
And contraversial commentary,
But outside opinions are not necessary,
That’s not the people’s story,
The people are fighting,
Or flighting this brutality,
Without consent or a fair warning,
Turn on mute,
Those horrifying images we see,
Are currently,
The heart of the brink of world war three.
I’m sending love you cannot see,
I know you cannot hear me,
I have no skill to help,
No bravery to shout out,
This is unfamiliar territory,
I will work on projecting spiritual energy,
Send love and light with positivity,
That you may escape and find refuge,
Safety and security,
Immediately.

Legacy…

Sometimes I feel so debilitated that I am stuck in the same spot,
Watching people pass me by,
Effortlessly,
They’ve hit the jackpot,
I try to walk, swim, run or fly,
But cannot,
I wonder why,
As they drift further and further,
They shine brighter and brighter,
As I stand nighy,
They all leave as I am stuck and stay,
It seems to them I merely fade away.
I am full to the brim with love,
Empathy,
And compassion,
Ideas of creativity,
Fall endlessly from me,
But ultimately amount to nothing,
Because I’m stuck,
After too frequently being pulled apart and ripped,
My fragile heart,
The cruelty in this world,
For it I’m not equipped.
I can’t be a travelling star,
Follow my loved ones wherever they are,
Oblivious with innocence they leave me behind,
Each leaving lacerations that scar,
So bright to the eye I can see them all,
Near or far,
Travelling at great speed of light,
The science doesn’t spark or work if you are stood still,
Weighted with being ill.
“Just Move”,
You say,
Because you don’t see the force around me,
The cause of my fragility,
Ill mental health holds me in captivity,
A fooling powerful force cloaked with invisibility,
Holding firmly to the key,
Of any possibility that I may be set free,
And share the phenomenal me that I know I could be,
Yet it knows and relishes that the world will never see.
Perhaps invisaging my art as powerful and healing is delusional,
My twisted tongue of metaphor,
Is not transparent enough to be relatable,
Or even palatable,
Because I’ve been sharing for a while now,
And no one seems to hear me clearly,
But the words keep coming,
So I gots to keep regurgitating,
I may not shine in this lifetime,
But the way my pain turns into verse,
Chorus and rhyme,
Has to connect somehow with this universe,
A blessing or a curse,
This misery,
Perhaps will be understood in time unknown to me,
And left in legacy.

Withstand…

I can hear the devestation loud and clear,
It bellows through your silence,
Whistling high pitched in my ear.
The magnitude of misconstrued perceived projected pain has boomeranged,
Smacked me as the target,
The sentiment of rage and pain reciprocated.
Both blood and entourage have misinterpreted sickness as purposefully projectile,
Yet in clarity I acknowledge the repercussions of self sabotage,
Whilst unclear it seems a worthy sacrifice.
You interpret the honesty of pain as manipulation and violence.
The reality of mental instability,
Is dark with turbulent misery.
I can see your lack of understanding,
From the silhouette of your back.
Whispers of ignorance tornado around us.
Bonds broken unintentionally,
Left to mould,
Unresolved have stripped away our alliance.
I fear permanently,
Whom I have lost may never come back,
Receiving rejection and abandonment are not new to me,
But I won’t stop loving you,
It’s a blessing and a curse,
But the majority of my anatomy.
Illness of the mind is invisible to all whom choose to be blind,
Mistaking symptoms for being unkind.
I will not keep chasing you,
It is clear you don’t want me too,
So we must drift,
With an unresolved bitter rift,
But if you turn around again,
I’ll be open,
To remedy what has sadly been broken.
I take accountability,
For the pain I have caused,
With hope that you will realise that it was not intentionally,
That the cards dealt to me,
Were not chosen by my hand.
I accept that I cannot make you understand,
And that it is easier to bubble wrap with withdrawance and practice withstand.

Stripped

Stripped of my integrity,
Seeking financial furosity,
Business over loaylty,
No second thought about the damage and impact on me,
The inevitable birth of lingering and severe paranoia and insecurity.
Thinking only of gain by influence,
Taking advantage of my innocence,
Disregarding the harmful potential of negligence.

Gift

Without the opportunity of reflection,
How can we process,
Learn,
And grow?
Wisdom is often acquired with the gift of time,
Yet so much time we waste,
In haste,
Or stuck in the past.
Is it a coincidence that today is the present,
And in our language a substitute for that word is gift?
Forget not the past,
The seed in which you blossomed.
Look forward to the future,
In which you may enjoy how far you have come,
But remember no man knows how long we each have,
So try to enjoy everyday,
Even if in dismay,
Life is hard,
Complicated,
A challenge,
We know not why we are here,
Why there is so much inequality,
And life is unfair,
But we have been permitted to experience life,
For some they are showered in riches and glory,
Others no luck
Ill health,
Struck with bad luck and no opportunity,
Treated poorly,
We know not how our fates are cast,
How long we will be here,
And lives will last.
What came before?
What happens next?
We can not compare,
Because all is inexplicably unbalanced and unfair.
Some are born with riches,
Fortune,
Networks,
And opportunity,
Others with nothing,
In poverty,
Off the map,
And instantly forgotten.
Many people are left behind,
Sadly knowingly,
They are not blind,
But will any of this matter when we leave this world behind?
Questions!
Curiosity!
Up there,
Or down there,
It’s in us all to strive to survive.
One inevitability is that we shall all follow in the footsteps of those whom have left us behind,
So lets make the best of today,
Before it flurries away into yesterday,
Each unwrap our presents,
Spend time on exerting who we are,
Where we are,
What we are,
As that is all we can ever be sure of.

Worms Meat

I’m sorry that I get lost,
And for whatever cost that conjures up for you.
Just hear me now when I say that it is never my intention to hurt you,
Just like the pain you often unconsciously & constantly impact upon me.
Drowning,
Suffocated by the waves of the sea,
Unable to speak,
Reach out,
Lungs first filled with dispair,
Now lacking oxygen and air,
No one anywhere,
To help me,
No one sees me,
No one hears me,
No rescue,
And even if…
No remedy,
So with great tragedy,
I am taken,
Before you awaken to the facts of BPD,
Recognise how your actions,
Or lack of,
Have affected me.
How you may have triggered me relentlessly,
Saying you’d be there,
But keeping your distance from me,
Making me feel a menace,
Because my times of despair don’t suit thee.
How you showered me with assumptions,
False testament that you care,
Would always be there.
No professional support,
Lacking supervision,
Troubled mind,
Troubled soul,
Constantly fighting,
In competition,
Against the dark.
Beginning to dream of the light,
The dark reigns to tight,
Engolfed me,
Strangulation,
Dumping me,
Asphyxiation,
Abandoning me eternally,
I die,
Fighting until the last breath of my life,
Which I have taken,
Keen to try the unknown,
As ripped apart,
My connection to this world no longer sewn.
Typically late,
Perhaps once gone my transparency shall be found,
And then you will hear my story,
And perhaps understand me,
Learn from me and my legacy,
Help others whom are like me,
As my archives will be available for eternity,
And I hope I won’t be bitter,
All will be forgiven,
Despite your triggers of rejection,
Abandonment,
Inability to understand when I needed you to help me,
Ultimately making worms meat of me.
I may leave this mortal coil,
But my soul shall shine eternally.

Destined For Disaster…

Staring at the wall again,
Trying to remember when,
Everything was so good back then,
Looking back at photo’s,
Trawling through social media,
The filtered photo’s deceive ya,
Me and the Girls,
Me and the Boys,
Cocktails,
Mocktails,
Endless joys,
Youth,
Freedom,
Expression,
Creativity,
Power,
Sexy,
Sassy,
PARTY!
Those years were golden,
I now understand the phrase,
But gradually everyone has grown,
Moved on,
Progressed to the next phase,
Transitioned in only the best ways,
Detached from the old days,
And the only one left in pain,
Sad and angry,
Is me!
Stuck in a rut,
The door hammered shut,
I am so far removed from them,
They don’t bat an eyelid,
But even if they did,
They don’t see,
They don’t recognise me,
I am the lone soldier,
That basks in the memories,
That they did leave.
How is it fair,
That those who have done me wrong,
Have moved forward,
Happy and strong?
I was insignificant then,
And I am insignificant now.
Staring at the wall again,
Straining to remember when,
There were no voices.
What shall I do?
Take some pills and end it?
Make myself bleed to control it?
Talk to someone?
I cannot.
If things don’t mend and positively change,
I just don’t think I can go on.
Anchored by trauma,
Separating me from old dreams,
Repelling dreams a new,
I loose my desire to push for a break through,
I cannot foresee anything,
I feel so weak,
Not strong,
Perhaps I was destined for despair all along!?

Placenta…

Who,
what,
Or how,
May impregnate,
But the birth itself is the trauma,
And the placenta is the monster,
Thus mental illness is born.

The thorny crown,
Heaviness on my shoulders,
Weighing me down,
Imprinting a crown,
That I force upwards,
Away from the ground,
To fool you all,
And appear sound.
Drip,
Drop,
My tears fall,
Consumed with worry,
I want to bang my head against the wall,
Caught consuming negative emotions,
Like catching a ball.
My picture fell,
As I dwell upon my worries,
Is this a sign from hell,
Telling me what is to become,
I am definitely unwell,
History suggests that this won’t end well,
Poisened I am cursed in this endless torturous mental health spell!