Silence is deafening,
Noise is haunting,
I long for sound in between.
Silence is deafening,
Silence is deafening,
Noise is haunting,
I long for sound in between.
Read between the lines,
This does not mean judge.
Not my medical records.
Articulation and intelligence are not inaccessible due to mental illness,
Mental health does not diminish integrity,
Not only the impact before you get out your pen and paper,
Flick through the pages of text from psychiatry books that remain in your mind from years ago,
And have not been updated nor refreshed,
But your stigma,
Makes me ill,
Your lack of seeing me,
Makes me cry,
You are not a shoulder nor a rock that I can lean upon,
So I continue to suffer,
But I hold back and lie,
Because I don’t want to frequent your units,
Have you in and out of my house,
I’d rather get a blade out,
Suffer in silence,
Not utter a word of it and cover up when you are scheduled to reach out.
Mental health system,
You never fail to disappoint.
My silence says much more than you realise.
My words rattle your cage,
You cannot process when I protest.
If my knowledge exceeds yours,
You switch to flight,
Say oh she’s not ill,
But this is not a test,
And should not be a fight,
I am more than your ignorance and outdated opinion,
I’m the one that may slip away in the night.
This is more than 9-5,
This is my fucking life!
There’s a reason why I don’t watch the news,
There’s no room left on my body to bruise,
Pain and tragedy are my poetic muse,
And my heads already full,
I long for a break,
Someone to cut the fuse,
But I’m weighed down with heartache,
Longing for a retake,
Because for so long now society has played the same tape,
Never learning or owning upto their mistakes.
It has taken me a lifetime to waft away the haze,
Strip the glaze,
And truely see,
How society sees my reflection,
And why I have never reached perfection.
The odds have never been in my favour,
I was blind,
I was deaf,
I was dumb,
As to where all the hate,
And poor self reflection spawned from,
But now I see very clearly.
I don’t need your validation,
To feel like a valid creation.
Yet I am not deluded,
No longer musguided by secure ignorance,
Need hearing ears to fall upon,
No more suffering in silence,
That won’t stop the hate,
Stop the prejudice,
Stop the racism,
I don’t want to play hide and seek,
I am not a prisoner for you to keep,
Nor treasure for you to reap.
I am a human of colour,
I just wish to be seen,
Chances a new,
Not second hand,
To be seen as an individual,
Not an opportunity to brand.
There is a fine line between sanity and insanity.
I stare at my reflection,
Honestly having no idea about what that truely is.
I’m on the borderline of stability and instability,
Every ounce of me fragmented,
And scattered further than the eye can see,
Between Black and White,
Spread way out to beyond infinity.
My mind is heavy,
The weight affecting my physicality,
Heavy shoulders crush my body and psyche,
Mascarade my identity.
But do not declare all,
As that would make me vulnerable beyond repair,
And I need to try and be present,
As I continuously try to process,
What others don’t see,
Combating the high demand,
Constant flickers of my mind,
Pain like bolts of lightening,
No choice but to surpress,
I cannot confess,
If I wish to rub shoulders,
Walk beside you,
Clean up the mess of injustice and segregation.
I play the game,
To appear the same,
To not appear to roam to far off track,
Because once your off the grid,
You can never come back.
I must not be too loud,
I must not appear angry,
My foots in the door,
But there’s a long journey ahead of me,
Especially with the ill mental health struggles that I adhere to daily,
That debilitate me.
I’m a woman,
Whose going to give a platform to me?
I must fight my own fight,
There is no option of flight,
People need to hear me,
And yet still I am denied because of my nationally,
Hindered by my gender,
Muted for my disability.
Stigma boxes me,
Taboo blocks me,
But nothing will silence me,
People will find me,
As I won’t campaign quietly,
You can extinguish my fire,
But I will start another,
Until we are accepted by society,
And welcomed to equality.
The gift you never asked for,
Never knew you grew,
Shines for all of you,
And I hope someday for me, Myself too!
A pool of darkness distorts my reflection.
Struggling to see what you do.
An undeniable beauty,
Mislabelled as an obscurity!
Difference seems to always be,
Stop and look for yourself,
Do you embrace or recoil?
Do you gaze upon?
This rouge flower,
Rouge in Lavender Fields.
Favourable to the eye,
Honestly extremely hard to come by,
So many of you just cast me aside,
Or pass me by.
Without protection I am weak,
Depression looms above,
I try to keep it out of reach,
But there’s alot of it,
Unapologetic and non discreet!
I deserve something different,
Something for me,
I share because I care,
But just a pocket full of integrity,
May protect me from exogenous negativity bestowed upon me,
And the lingering pain that consumes me.
Better off snatching love,
Than to give up or retreat.
It is happiness I seek!
The basics bestowed upon you so easily,
That you therefore take forgranted,
I speak of blessings,
And they are not bestowed upon everybody!
Set backs left and right,
Forward and back,
When will the universe shower me,
With all the things that you have,
Given so generously,
That you acquired so easilly?
Leaps and bounds ahead of me,
I try to not compete,
Bow down in defeat,
So I wait patiently.
Is it my ethnicity?
Background of poverty?
Did I sin?
So bad it weighs unforgivable?
The clock is ticking,
Time is running,
Seasons running out.
Trying to manifest,
At my best,
Forgive all lifes unpleasant tests,
But I will never forget,
Flipping loss and blazing trauma.
Somehow still defiant,
In hope of prospect of a shot,
Sharing my beauty,
We will be a team,
Leave nature be,
If I trigger you badly,
But I truely wish you no harm.
I need tending to,
To help me along,
Glow and flourish,
Not disintegrate into rubbish,
Leaving no trace amongst the Lavender.
If you embrace,
There is enough space,
For us to place besides one another,
Strong and together.
Only fate and destiny know what opportunities may present to me,
My pain is testament to my past,
But in this present day,
Please embrace me,
Acknowledge and accept me,
I do need help,
And catch up at last.
Diversity shouldn’t be a curse for me,
My mental illness should not hinder me,
Ignorance should not be an opportunity!
Embrace with me,
I’m the rouge,
Rouge in Lavender Fields,
I welcome your acknowledgement,
I hope to blossom,
And spread seed,
Hello me lovelies, just a reminder that my YouTube channel adiaryfromnoone BPD playlist releases new footage every week on a Sunday. I will do my best to provide you all with food for thought every week of 2021, but of cause suffering from BPD myself may make my goal impossible; yet thusfar (30/03/21) I have kept my pact, despite being in hospital for an entire week but it was very demanding and hard work. I must be real with both all of you and myself, there may be some blank weeks. To stay on top, on track and to never miss out… Please show your support and share videos like…
And please subscribe asap, it gives me drive, because analytics, if not likes/subs/comments proove that I am reaching people and hopefully helping/educating/relating/processing bringing love and light through truth and reflection of mine own experiences and empathy. I am not a medical professional nor mental health practitioner but I am a self appointed mental health advocate. I believe sometimes you have to know somethings through experience, not learn through textbooks but life itself. adiaryfromnoone is about helping others and encouraging togetherness because of strength in numbers, so please join me and share both this website and YouTube channel to help ke help others?
❤️☀️🙏🏾 Just copy and paste either below…
Started off as a dream,
So possible and real it tasted,
I devoured that cream.
Manifested into a nightmare,
A brutal scare,
My thrown now a rusty chair,
Now made of thorns,
Slicing my scalp and cutting my hair.
All this pain and suffering,
Emerged so abruptly,
As I lost everything,
Relentless and unsubtley,
Never saw it coming,
Never heard a sound,
Just all of a sudden I couldn’t cope being around,
Not long term,
Day by day,
I wanted to permanently disappear,
To go away,
And I tried so hard,
A number of times,
But the Lord never took me,
Perhaps punishing me for my crimes,
Equality is not what it seems,
A black child dared to dream,
Nightmares a reality,
Made me feel unclean,
I then understood the world I live in,
Why I never made the final cut,
Got the guy,
Got the part,
Never had good luck,
As injustice has found me over and over again,
I cannot remember now,
The last time when,
I felt entitled to dream,
And able to start again!
Perhaps in another life,
Unless a higher being pardons me,
Grants access to fair accessibility,
Maybe I will reach that destiny,
The greatest achievements,
They never come easily,
A blackbelt in combat,
Battling all things bad,
All things sad,
Maybe one day I’ll make Mumma glad that she had me,
Make her proud,
Maybe the end of my story wont be so bad,
I’ll amount to something,
Use my pain and suffering,
To help others when they get angry and mad,
When their tears keep pouring and they can’t shake the sad,
When they make poor choices and do something bad,
adiaryfromnoone won’t judge,
adiaryfromnoone does not exclude,
adiaryfromnoone declares you have nothing to proove.
You are good enough,
There is no spell,
Nor magic pill,
But with patience and skill,
You can do better,
I believe you will.
I am no Messiah,
I have my limits too,
But self belief,
And the blessing of another,
Is a secret super power,
To clear the self hate and clutter,
Making room to get better,
You have taken so much from us,
And given us plenty,
Of unwanted inconvenience,
Has turned the planet upside down,
Covid 19 will go down in history,
Causing global suffering,
As we have had to contend with you.
From where hence you came is still a mystery,
But my goodness you have evoked enormous tragedy.
The government does not disclose everything,
But if you think,
There isn’t too much of a mystery,
The death rates shared connect only to the virus,
Not the neglected terminally ill that have been passed a side,
And the medical emergencies cast aside,
As in one way or another,
We have all been affected,
Had snowball effects to contend with.
My mental health has suffered,
The uncertainty of this year brings huge cruelty to those vulnerable mentally,
Contending with the day to day,
In this current climate,
Is beyond hard.
When you have mental health difficulties,
It is not just the paranoia and fear,
But the mistreatment,
The inability to provide care,
Has really shocked me,
And taken its toll.
I worry for those with nobody,
And wish I could personally help everybody,
Because I have empathy,
Which this year has confirmed to me,
Is completely lacking in the mental health industry,
At least with those whom are connected to me.
As Christmas time dawns,
I worry for those whom feel forgotten and lonely,
If you cannot connect with somebody,
I welcome you to contact and lean on me,
Because I am genuine,
I care sincerely,
About you and your mentality,
It’s not about job targets and a salery,
My kindness comes freely.
You deserve hope and Christmas cheer,
Just as much as anybody else,
I value your existence,
And want you to have a happy new year.
If not adiaryfromnoone,
As I am only one someone,
Your existence is a blessing,
So please fight to stay here with us,
Better days are ahead of us,
And I don’t want you to miss them.
It is OK to struggle,
You need not justify,
This year alone,
Is answer enough.
Just don’t keep it all in,
Lips buttoned up,
Release and be rid of your pain,
To stay healthy and sane.
Let us remember those we have lost this year,
Be weary of more deaths to come,
As the end of 2020 dawns,
We can leave it alone with its prickly thorns,
And be hopeful for better,
Happier days in 2021.
You’ve given us plenty,
Of crap we could have done without,
But if I scream and shout,
Who exactly would I be helping out?
All brushed to one side,
As corona we prioritise,
But I am struggling mentally,
Given up on grounds incapability,
The lack of care,
No one there,
The blame they dish out,
But never admit,
For the strain on my mind and body,
A drought of the drugs you so-called critically prescribe,
Termination of support being beside me,
Disregarding my disclosure,
Of suicidal thoughts,
Paying no mind to my plans,
I know I am a lucky one,
Because I have love,
And all that terminates my plans at this time,
But I fear for those whom have no one to keep them about,
Because no matter how much you scream and shout,
The help seem to babble alot of nonsense,
Have no moral conscience,
Promise the world,
And when it comes down to it,
They have no inclination of how to help,
Despite it being in their favour,
Because this abandonment way means,
Less demand for beds,
We’re no longer a problem,
And so they are released of our burden when we are dead!
There has been no intervention,
Because suicide prevention,
Means more bodies,
Looking in the mirror,
I think I may have lost my identity,
When I broke down so much of my substance leaked out of me,
Some achieve hiding the cracks and honour that with pride,
I am unable to mask my ruptured crevices and so I cannot hide,
Hesitantly I share my journey,
But that does not make me an exhibitionist,
And please hear me when I say that attention is not what I seek,
I sacrifice all bad judgement in sake of helping others,
I tell all to help other people out.
As a woman of a certain age,
I’ve been left on the shelf,
Abandonment has erupted my ill mental health,
In search of sanity,
I pray for clarity,
Yet remain lost in a haze of memories and dreams,
Nothing is at it seems,
I know unhappiness,
Deep, dark depression,
They are all a part of me,
But who am I actually?
With the baggage,
The cover ups,
Who I am doesn’t matter,
I could be anyone and everyone,
No one in particular,
I don’t know how to be anyone else,
Even though I no longer recognise myself