You Can Take It Or Leave It, But Not Me!

Living with mental illness,
Feels like a life sentence of imprisonment,
A one way ticket to Hell.
Feels like burning in eternal flames.
Feels like suffercation.
A comatose nightmare.
Operated by The Devil as a puppeteer.
I am the helpless fly,
Entangled in the spiders web.
I am drowning,
Completely lost at sea.
I am but half the person that I hoped to be.
The socialite,
That no one now wants to see.
Washed up goods.
Abandoned in the woods.
I radiate pain,
So you turn a blind eye to me.
Convince yourself that this situation was somewhere that I wanted to be.
I never wanted to be unhappy,
Cast aside,
Left behind,
Have a little more respect for me!?
If you don’t understand,
Have no time to try,
At least try to accept,
That the life that I live,
I never chose this path for me,
This torture,
This misery,
You can take it or leave it,
But this is real,
And you may not like what you hear and see,
But this is real life,
And really happening to me!

Tide Of Mentality…

The tide of my illness,
drifts as fluently as the current of the Sea,
And as storms,
And Tsunami’s cannot be tamed,
Neither can the turbulence of my poisonous mentality,
Evoking pain,
And catastrophe,
Wherever I roam,
Wherever I shall be,
I cannot cease,
What is a genetic part of me,
Man has power,
But only acts of God,
Determine our destiny.

13 Reasons Why…

After watching The Netflix Original, “13 Reasons Why” I decided to think about my own 13 reasons, as I often feel suicidal.The show is complex and realistic, it tells the story of a teenage girl who struggles to fit in and find herself, make positive and strong relationships with friends or lovers. She is both exposed to and experiences horrific trauma, she is bullied and misunderstood. She struggles with communicating her problems and slowly gives up after far to many unpleasant turn of events. I think that the message is, don’t give up, there is always help and a positive way out but in my personal situation, even with help intense medical treatment, currently fighting everyday from hospital, if not, then from home! The struggle remains, regardless of age or location. Here are my 13 reasons, +4… 1)Isolation (no one unprofessional person I can be 100% honest with 24/7) 2) rejection (biological father, modeling agency as child, step father, boyfriends, employees, friends and family) 3) abandonment (father, step father, boyfriends) 4) unsuccessful (dreams/career/unacomplished for my age) 5) unlucky (in general, in love, in health) 6) undesirable (baggage) 7) alopecia (embarrassing and confusing to lovers) 8) self harm (scars) 9) weight (plus size without intense maintenance that I sometimes cannot keep up with ill health) 10) mental health (mood swings, odd behaviour is demanding and requires intense patience) 11) impulsive (unpredictable and unsafe = dependant on help of any kind) 12) temperamental (good times and bad times cannot be forcast) 13) victimised (bullied) 14) Trauma (sexually assulted) 15) Pain (I feel sick to my stomach with the hatred I feel towards myself and cannot control, manage or contend with being me) 16) Voices (the theory) 17)Dissociation (the unknown, random, unexplained danger that I find myself in)
Reasons to live, 1) ideally a parent should never have to bury their own child. 2) I do not want to mess up my little sisters life! 3) I want to help other people with their mental health struggles and that….. that is currently it. I am honestly so tired of fighting this forever proving, endless and tiresome game. I know that this confession is a shame and may seem attention seeking or defeatist but it is my truth. I currently see no light, no rainbow, no gold, no silver lining. I have sort for help but after two months and counting, I am by No means cured. I think that I need to learn to live with this but the thought of this forever is not appealing in the slightest.

Could You Press Pause?

When life is good,
And you feel fit,
Feisty with fire,
That ignites the power within you,
To fight with all of your might.
No mountain too high,
No river too low,
Good to go.
Like an eagle you soar the sky’s,
You see the whole world,
Through your powerful eyes,
From the very top,
All powerful and mighty,
You take it all in,
Knowledgeable and wise.
Nothing to fear,
Safe up so high,
Near where heaven lyes.
You thought out of harms way,
Yet monsters are real,
And they will find you if they want to,
Day or night,
Dark or light,
With the power of their third eye,
They can always find you,
So don’t ever let your guard down,
Or they will surprise you!
When darkness comes,
Like a magician’s cloak,
It swoops down and covers the light.
Senses lost,
With sudden change,
You are out of control.
Catapulted out of safety,
And highly at risk!
When life is bad,
You feel only sad,
It’s not something that you would choose,
Being stuck with the blues.
The monsters of the night,
Scurry and reep all good from you,
And around you.
Only bad news left,
Wishing you could walk in another man’s shoes,
Any other shoes would do!
When stood on the volcanic and jagged rocks of a cliff,
Your head as high as the slight and distant twinkling stars,
Pretty from a far,
But shooting ones will strike right through you,
Like a bullet from a gun.
A pit of fire.
All of a sudden,
Such an ugly place to be!
Could you press pause?
Take it all in?
Breath in?
Manipulate your environment to your liking?
Turn around and walk with caution,
Don’t look back,
Only forward?
Or jump without hesitation?
Cut out the frustration,
Eternal probation of some kind of higher power,
That is holding you back from revelation,
With sleep deprivation,
You fall into the Devils heart,
Only wild dogs hear you cry.
Ashes to Ashes,
As you singe to dust.
Leaving nothing but the toxic stench of death,
No time left for tears,
Or regret.

From Noya

My latest piece of art, as usual started with pen to paper and has since manifested into this wonderful collaborative collage of movement, live music, poetry/drama/spoken word. My company of creative artists with a variety of talents, blend percussion, guitar, movement and song with my honest story telling. This style of spoken word is unique. I haven’t really seen this kind of combination before and have thoroughly enjoyed bringing it to life with my company. Mia Depper is an actress, poet, artist and belly dancer. Kate Wilkins is a musical composer, percussionist, pianist, singer and literacy editor. Debbie Aldous is a mindfulness specialist, the founder of a mental health app and event organiser. David Rees-Jones is a percussionist, commedian and actor. I used to be a professional actor but since my breakdown, I mostly practice poetry, blogging, song writing, singing, creative writing and commit to raising mental health awareness in any which way that I can. Helping others is so very rewarding and second nature to me, much easier then helping myself!
Today I had the pleasure of performing as No One And Company, sharing “Spoken With Words That Are Nothing But True”. I had to introduce myself beforehand, you would think talking about yourself would be the easiest topic in the world but if you are sharing your deepest darkest secrets and your experiences of unhappiness, depression and your struggles in life, it is not easy to convey those issues without wearing your heart on your sleeve and becoming somewhat emotional. Afterwards our performance went very well. They then showed the premier screening of Noya, a film about mental health, family, insecurities, acceptance, remorse and regret. The overall message being that bottling up your struggles only distances you from help and support, communication can open you up enough to confide your woes in someone. It was a wonderful story and portrayed excellently. Last but not least, a panel of individuals related to mental health, both personally and professionally, took to the stage for a Q&A with the audience.
Discussing mental health and communicating seems to be popular at the moment. Celebrities, popular mental health charities, film and documentary industries and the news are all discussing communicating when mentally unwell.
This evening, after the event, talking to the audience, feeling proud and ready to celebrate, I have come home rather depressed. My psychosis has been triggered and has left me in distress.I feel like I may have overshared and exposed to much but all is done now. Feeling unbalanced, I decided to take the popular advice and speak to a trained professional about my feelings, self doubt and neglect. I have phoned The Samaritans twice in the last hour and an automated response has informed me that all of the lines were busy. If in a worse place, I would try home treatment after hours but that is not available to anyone. It is somehow to late for 111 or 101, I always forget which is medical and which is for the police. 999 would not really be able to help me in this state, I am having thoughts but don’t feel like it would be worthwhile calling them if I hadn’t taken any self distructive action, which I haven’t. So I have cried, over analysed and have now taken to writing to process how I am feeling, to report the reality of how difficult reaching out to communicate can be, not just from a trust or emotional point of view but because of knowledge and accessibility. An awful lot of need for help due to mental health problems and issues occur out of office hours and there is not enough support out there. I know for a fact that as little as two members of staff have been on duty of out of hours and been allocated and expected to look after the whole of Birmingham. That is ridiculous. We need more staff, help and support but the NHS Mental Health budget cuts keep increasing, the affect being an increase on suicide and crime, fuel for stigma and taboo’.
Knowledge is power and understanding is the best way towards positive change.
The focus does not have to be on vulnerable people opening up and communicating, this can be a long and painful process that won’t happen over night. Communicating with the world, inspires us to acknowledge and understand, accept and build a foundation of understanding, room to grow, accept and understand.
Please help me fundraise for, “just giving Jade Laurie-Hart Hart and come to m
I have tired myself out now… I will go to sleep. Night x

Biscuit Challenge… Mental Health affects One in Four!

Please help me get this viral! I just want to do a good thing, if you ask yourself, is that a bad thing? Of cause not! I invite you to join me. Record a video, munch those biscuits, nominate 4 people and then say (even I messed up on this part) “MENTAL HEALTH AFFECTS ONE IN FOUR” How many biscuits can you munch whilst speaking at the same time? This is a bit of fun to reach the masses but the topic is serious and I am fundraising to do something good…

It’s Kind Of A Funny Story…

So I have been feeling unwell for a while now, well actually upon reflection, all of my life. A whole thirty-two years, but more recently I have been struggling through yet another relapse, avoiding hospital narrowly and accepting home visits for a while. When I say unwell, I mean mentally. I haven’t always known it, which made it easier to ignore, but now I realise, stuff like this will always catch up on you. I don’t want to sound like a cliché but I am the female with the, “Daddy Issues”! Love is hard to find, most of us take it for granted but as human being’s, whether we admit it or not, it is an empowering emotion that we all need and seek. We can fool ourselves into thinking that we have control of who we love and who loves us and perhaps we can manipulate love when it comes to platonic relationships and romantic relationships but an integral part of our upbringing and who we are and who we become, stems from the love that we should have received from the day we were born, the unrequited, unconditional love of those we are born from or those who have raised us. Of cause not all of us are lucky enough to have experienced that, I am not naïve and I acknowledge this, but also see that the repercussions that can lead from this can have detrimental results. I was unplanned, like a lot of babies are, my biological parents only just passed as adults, which is common but neither which are my fault. If there is anything that will fast track you from being a teenager or bone idol eighteen year old, it should be the birth of an innocent, dependant new addition to life. How can you not dote upon and fall in love with a someone who is basically a part of you!? It may take time to come to terms with, but in my opinion, becoming a parent is something that you cannot and should not run away from, ready or not, you make your bed, you must lye in it! The repercussions of being dismissed can be catastrophic, trust me, I know! So my father never planned me, accepted me, took responsibility of me and disowned me. To him that may be the end, done and dusted, but the pain weighs me down each and everyday and my idea and understanding of love is very messed up and complicated as a result. It isn’t all about him but I believe him to be a root to a lot of my mental health issues, not just emotionally but genetically, as he has Bi-Polar! I thank my Mother for doing the right thing, accepting, loving and raising me. For a long time it was just the two of us, but now she has an additional family of her own and my step father and his family are wonderful, I have a beautiful little sister who I adore, but I still often feel ostracised and like an inconvenient and spare part, especially now as I am less independent as I used to be. My needs now as an ill adult are much more then what my needs were as a child. I do not begrudge the situation but being the emotionally unstable person that I am, I often feel that life is to hard, that I am a burden and that it would be better and easier for everyone if I was no longer here. Throw in some psychosis, getting my buttons pushed and goaded into taking action and physically removing myself from everyone, everything and this world, albeit scary to transition into the unknown, the concept seems less painful then being who I am.
For the last three years, I have been stuck on a carousal of darkness. I seem to mend and make progress, I have millions of ideas about what I want to do, who I want to be, and then all of a sudden and all at once, I fall back into depression and self loathing. Up and then down and then up and then down! I sabotage myself and life in one way or another, get sucked back into hospitals, psychiatric wards, then home treatment, and then released back into the community, living independently, only for the same thing to happen all over again and again, thus has been the pattern of my life since 2013 and I cannot seem to break it. There were fractures before, chinks in the armour but I kept getting back up, I still want to but it is no longer as easy, What changed? I honestly don’t know. I guess I could not hide from the truth anymore. With all of my heart, I wish that I could. I don’t want to hurt those that my life has meaning to, just the idea of it makes me feel sick, but only when I am thinking rationally, which if I am honest, is not always. There lye’s the problem and that is what scares me! When I loose my rational state of mind, when I cannot see clearly, all that I am and all that I know is pain and I just want it to end, whatever the consequences! When in crisis, there are no consequences, no after thought, no guilt, just a wish for silence and pain free tranquillity. What more can I do, I take my medication, engage with my support, live my life distracting myself from harmful thoughts and ideas, document my feeling’s, try to make a positive from a negative and write to and for you readers, to show you some light, remind you that you are not alone, but all the while, I personally feel alone, frustrated and unhappy because I would not wish this agonising cycle of life upon anybody, not even the man who made me.
I am a very creative person. I have a degree in Drama, I used to act professionally, I now write poetry, enjoy singing and learning to play guitar. I also like to watch films and TV in the genre’s of satire and drama. Raising awareness for mental health is my passion, alongside this website I am in the middle of getting my autobiography edited with the intent of publishing as a free e-book, I want to write a play and I have started vlogging on YouTube, “adiaryfromnoone”.
Social Media, Film, Television and Theatre are the platforms that I aspire to reach and share with. I am a believer in seeing what is already out there, because being out there proves that it works. I want to decode why it works because that will be my way in. Such ambition is difficult when some days I cannot even get out of bed, when I am isolated and not really aware of what is actually going on in the real world beyond my bubble. Without the key knowledge, any experience, support or training on how to network, target and successfully raise awareness and become established, I feel stuck and blocked from successfully interacting with the amount of people that I could potentially help. I am happy to admit my truth, and recognise the hope and comfort in this that it gives to others alike and with interest. The silver lining is, for the most part it keeps me busy. Although I have a short attention span and it is impossible for me to get all of my ideas done, let alone one.
Today I watched a movie called, “It’s Kind Of A Funny Story” which was described as a romantic, comedy drama. It caught my eye because the brief synopsis described a teenager (aged sixteen) who checks into a psychiatric ward. I was diagnosed and prescribed medication for depression at the age of sixteen, I have been on many psychiatric acute wards but much later on in life, none the less I could identify with the scenario and thought it may be worth my while to watch. There is a great power in empathy, be the story fiction or non-fiction, most ideas spin from some kind of truth and this is a film that I felt that I needed to watch. It has a four and a half star rating on Amazon Prime, so many people all over the world must have watched it, or at least have access to it and so I wanted to know what it was about this film that made it so appealing to the public, just like the cult classic, “Girl Interrupted” and “Prozac Nation”, what spice do I need to make my work appealing to all!?
Without giving to much away, I could relate to a lot in the film, many of the issues that the characters had, but I must admit that I recognised a fine editing brush that glossed over the more serious matters and issues in the story. As an English ex-patient (baring in mind that the film was American and set in Brooklyn, America) who has been admitted to hospital’s both in London and Birmingham, from my experience,they do not have mixed gender wards anymore, there is 0% chance that you can escape the ward unnoticed, bedrooms are all independent now, visitors can not enter restricted area’s such as your bedroom, you do not get daily therapy, most relationships formed with fellow patients in hospital don’t last when released back into society and the community, only being admitted for a week does not usually happen. The film covered a very serious taboo and issue (the realms of mental health and mental health care) in a very light way, challenges were solved rapidly and the fairy-tale romance seemed far from realistic to me. The story is told through the eye’s of a sixteen year old, perhaps that is why it was portrayed so lightly!? I felt uneasy as it finished, it seemed extremely positive, (this is not intended to be a spoiler but just the way that I perceived it) boy gets girl, boy recovers and finds himself in just one week, boy goes on to recover, boy moves forward, boy develops new dreams and lives a happy life! It is more of a coming of age story then a story about the complicated ins and outs of mental health. It was more of an introduction to mental health then a heartfelt and telling story, perhaps this is where I am going wrong, perhaps my accounts are to truthful and deep. People want to see romance and a happy ending, they don’t want the tears, the sob stories, to hear of people actually taking their own lives and perhaps in order to reach more people, I need to meet in the middle but the reality is, the world of mental health is harrowing, there is blood, sweat, tears and death and I know this to be true because it is my reality. I am not bitter, I am glad that the protagonist felt that he could cope, barely looked back and went on to live a happy, fulfilled and successful life but as someone who knows that world, as someone that hasn’t recovered, as someone who has been told by a professional that I will never recover, I would be a liar if I did not admit to be envious of that sixteen year old boy!
I would recommend watching it but ask you not to be fooled by the happy ending because from what I know, that is very rare. In all honesty, the story isn’t very funny at all! Suicide or contemplating suicide is very far from funny, it was more of a lucky story, the boy found help before he became helpless, that notion makes me happy.


You will find a link to my YouTube channel at the bottom of this post, please check out my new vlog entitled, “Circles”.
Beforehand, please see two poems that I wrote in relation to two pop songs (Cyndi Lauper’s True Colours and Rhianna’s Stay) that inspired me for a spoken word performance. You will also find a live recording of that performance on my YouTube page, under, “NO ONE & KK!”

True Colours…

I live in a multi-coloured world.
A diverse universe,
A parody of the Planet we Human’s call earth.
I see beauty in your sadness,
And sadness in your smiles.
Of cause there is tragedy but mostly comedy,
No poverty,
No hierarchy,
No monastery,
No political parties,
No war,
No prejudice,
No racism,
No hate crime!
Saying this out loud, of cause it is pure fantasy,
Perhaps this is why I am certified crazy!?
But I see your true colours,
And I know in which world I would rather be!


Even in my world there is heartache,
Yes, even in my multi-coloured world!
Like glass it shatters into pain wrenching particles,
Leaving an “Ora” of only black!
Your heart stops beating,
A heart attack.
The pain projected upon you seeps through your skin,
Into your blood,
And swims through your veins.
Asphyxiated by abandonment,
Turned ice cold,
Blue upon rejection.
Life’s meaning fades,
Imprisoned by love lost.
There is only one remedy,
That he will come back to me,
Come back to me and stay!
His return determines my fate.
Oh please come back,
Come back and stay!?