Lane

Who has been in touch?
Whose asked you how you are?
Who knows you are hurting even if physically they are apart from a far?
Whose true in your life?
Gifted or cursed with the all knowing of your current reality,
Tolerant enough to stick around through all notions,
Being emersed alongside you through euphoria or brutality?
Many today are entertaining the smokes and mirrors charade,
Only showing their best cards,
Once a fool to this sorcery,
I self measured sparring with the bullshit,
But now I want all out anf to be rid,
Washing my hands,
No part of it,
My Pinocchio sparks curiosity,
Into the world of celebrity,
But the craft of orchestrating or hiding from paparazzi,
I acknowledge and thank is lightyears away from me,
So why reveal anything,
Essentially to nobody,
Once fooled such networks were made to document,
When on the contrary they are built for the business of popularity,
And I seek not a spotlight upon me,
I will engage privately,
Especially with imagery,
But my minds often constraints me,
Regurgitating unwanted mental photographic projection,
That I only know to express in metaphors,
Blogs and poetry,
I must release to give my head space,
For turbulent matters to wreak havoc and pace,
Where people can choose to check in to learn and relate,
This worded place has no ladder to popularity,
No motive but to seek mental clarity.
Real is personal and direct,
A transferable transaction,
Hosted privately.
The act of back and forth,
Must flow that way precisely,
Frequency changes,
I believe are bound to occur,
But now older and less naive,
I acknowledge can result in permanent damage,
And irretrievable wreckage.
Who stuck to you like glue in your past,
So tight you never dared doubt that the bond may not last?
Who is in your present?
Are they a gift or a blooded tyrant?
Who will journey with you to the days ahead and unknown?
Memories fade,
Sometimes a blessing when practicing forgiveness.
Yet burdened scars bare permanent marks carried to the grave,
External or internal,
Some pain never drains,
Forever holding us hostage,
A haunting hold passed through bloodline,
Most complex without the hold of remembrance,
As triggers to avoid,
We know not,
Yet decclining emotion,
Mental stability,
We loose,
Confused we try to facade,
To cling to dignity,
From pressures of certain public persona,
As if wearing fragile emotion is a disability.
How do you weigh,
Measure,
The impact of bumping heads?
When trying to avoid conflict,
Yet acquire self respect,
Whilst acknowledging your worth?
The only inevitability in life as far as I see is death,
If you have entered this world as yet.
Being mindful,
Is not to revel in regret,
Or sit and wait for what hasn’t evolved yet,
Nor have to try too hard in relationships,
But to perhaps simply accept that sail has slipped and shipped,
And that’s ok,
If love was once shared,
It will always be there,
Even if unbeknownst,
Or unawear,
Worms meat is biogradable,
The universes capacity to treasure and share is amongst us and obtainable beyond our power out there,
But when trust is lost,
Your heart is ripped,
With no owned responsibility,
Warranted apology,
Palatable explanation,
And when no ofference has sincerely been made to truely fix it,
Redemption,
A line must be drawn,
For our tiny mind expantion is not infinite.
We are intended to always be on the move,
Going backwards isn’t easy,
Yet somewhow we all do it,
Nor is being in a spin,
Yet we all get stuck in loops,
There is absolutely no point in side stepping,
Going forward is the intention, And in my opinion not a cliche but accuracy,
Life is a marathon,
Learning many lessons as you march on.
In my lane there is room for support,
But now especially,
No room for baggage,
Being dropped myself too many times,
It pains me to reach this point,
But a door mat I am not!
I am pure and full of love,
I am light,
But not a star to stay constant for whomever,
Whatever,
No matter what and whenever,
My lane form is turning narrow,
With love I intend to part from many of you with one last hoorah,
Not maliciously,
Nor with sorrow,
But independently,
For a brighter tomorrow,
Deserved and contained,
Pastures new,
If you are part of my life,
You’ll personally know it,
Because you’ll be in my lane.

Not your average patient…

Read between the lines,
This does not mean judge.
Listen,
Don’t preempt.
See me,
Not my medical records.
Articulation and intelligence are not inaccessible due to mental illness,
Mental health does not diminish integrity,
Trauma does,
Not only the impact before you get out your pen and paper,
Flick through the pages of text from psychiatry books that remain in your mind from years ago,
And have not been updated nor refreshed,
But your stigma,
Makes me ill,
Your lack of seeing me,
Makes me cry,
You are not a shoulder nor a rock that I can lean upon,
Or rely,
So I continue to suffer,
But I hold back and lie,
Because I don’t want to frequent your units,
Have you in and out of my house,
I’d rather get a blade out,
Suffer in silence,
Bleed out,
Not utter a word of it and cover up when you are scheduled to reach out.
Mental health system,
You never fail to disappoint.
My silence says much more than you realise.
My words rattle your cage,
You cannot process when I protest.
If my knowledge exceeds yours,
You switch to flight,
Say oh she’s not ill,
She’s alright.
I’m complex,
But this is not a test,
And should not be a fight,
I am more than your ignorance and outdated opinion,
I’m the one that may slip away in the night.
This is more than 9-5,
This is my fucking life!

Not An Opportunity To Brand…

There’s a reason why I don’t watch the news,
There’s no room left on my body to bruise,
Pain and tragedy are my poetic muse,
And my heads already full,
I long for a break,
Someone to cut the fuse,
But I’m weighed down with heartache,
Longing for a retake,
Because for so long now society has played the same tape,
Never learning or owning upto their mistakes.
It has taken me a lifetime to waft away the haze,
Strip the glaze,
And truely see,
How society sees my reflection,
And why I have never reached perfection.
The odds have never been in my favour,
I was blind,
I was deaf,
I was dumb,
As to where all the hate,
Rejection,
And poor self reflection spawned from,
But now I see very clearly.
I don’t need your validation,
To feel like a valid creation.
Yet I am not deluded,
No longer musguided by secure ignorance,
My messages,
My stories,
Need hearing ears to fall upon,
No more suffering in silence,
That won’t stop the hate,
Stop the prejudice,
Stop the racism,
Scrutiny,
Murder,
Exile,
Violence,
Suicide,
Inherited opression,
Depression,
Injustice.
I don’t want to play hide and seek,
I am not a prisoner for you to keep,
Nor treasure for you to reap.
I am a human of colour,
I just wish to be seen,
Not judged,
Heard,
Not silenced,
Chances a new,
Not second hand,
To be seen as an individual,
Not an opportunity to brand.

Black, Female and Mentally Ill…And Fighting Still!

There is a fine line between sanity and insanity.
I stare at my reflection,
Seeking perfection,
Honestly having no idea about what that truely is.
I’m on the borderline of stability and instability,
Every ounce of me fragmented,
And scattered further than the eye can see,
Between Black and White,
Spread way out to beyond infinity.
My mind is heavy,
The weight affecting my physicality,
Heavy shoulders crush my body and psyche,
Mascarade my identity.
Tight lipped,
Yet open,
I share,
But do not declare all,
As that would make me vulnerable beyond repair,
And I need to try and be present,
As I continuously try to process,
What others don’t see,
Know,
Nor understand,
Combating the high demand,
Constant flickers of my mind,
A glitch,
Each switch,
Pain like bolts of lightening,
The tornado,
The storm,
No choice but to surpress,
I cannot confess,
If I wish to rub shoulders,
Walk beside you,
Clean up the mess of injustice and segregation.
I play the game,
To appear the same,
To not appear to roam to far off track,
Because once your off the grid,
You can never come back.
I must not be too loud,
I must not appear angry,
My foots in the door,
But there’s a long journey ahead of me,
Especially with the ill mental health struggles that I adhere to daily,
That debilitate me.
I’m black,
I’m a woman,
With BPD,
Whose going to give a platform to me?
Nobody!
I must fight my own fight,
There is no option of flight,
People need to hear me,
See me,
For help,
Understanding,
And rationality,
21st century,
And yet still I am denied because of my nationally,
Hindered by my gender,
Muted for my disability.
Stigma boxes me,
Taboo blocks me,
But nothing will silence me,
People will find me,
As I won’t campaign quietly,
You can extinguish my fire,
But I will start another,
And another,
Until we are accepted by society,
And welcomed to equality.

Without Me

Smokes and Mirrors,
Filtered,
All on show,
Yet secrets non disclosed,
You are not supposed to know.
I need not search,
Nor ask,
Nor seek,
There are enough clues,
To sherlock the secrets you keep.
The biggest secret is now mine,
As I cannot unsee,
The pictures speak words,
You didn’t have the courtesy to tell me!
I am hurt,
The pain runs deep,
But I shall not report how you have made me weep.

adiaryfromnoone declares you have nothing to prove…

Started off as a dream,
So possible and real it tasted,
I devoured that cream.
Manifested into a nightmare,
A brutal scare,
My thrown now a rusty chair,
My crown,
Now made of thorns,
Slicing my scalp and cutting my hair.
Prayers silenced,
Praise scorned.
All this pain and suffering,
Viscously corrupting,
Emerged so abruptly,
As I lost everything,
Relentless and unsubtley,
Never saw it coming,
Never heard a sound,
Just all of a sudden I couldn’t cope being around,
Not long term,
Short term,
Day by day,
I wanted to permanently disappear,
One way,
To go away,
And I tried so hard,
A number of times,
But the Lord never took me,
Perhaps punishing me for my crimes,
Equality is not what it seems,
Poverty,
Racial disparity,
A black child dared to dream,
Nightmares a reality,
Made me feel unclean,
Unworthy,
Undeserved,
Untalented,
I then understood the world I live in,
Why I never made the final cut,
Got the guy,
Got the part,
Never had good luck,
But I,
Got bullied,
Ridiculed,
Rejected,
As injustice has found me over and over again,
I cannot remember now,
The last time when,
I felt entitled to dream,
And able to start again!
Perhaps in another life,
A reincarnation,
Unless a higher being pardons me,
Grants access to fair accessibility,
Maybe I will reach that destiny,
Eventually,
The greatest achievements,
They never come easily,
A blackbelt in combat,
Battling all things bad,
All things sad,
Maybe one day I’ll make Mumma glad that she had me,
Make her proud,
Maybe the end of my story wont be so bad,
I’ll amount to something,
Use my pain and suffering,
To help others when they get angry and mad,
When their tears keep pouring and they can’t shake the sad,
When they make poor choices and do something bad,
adiaryfromnoone won’t judge,
adiaryfromnoone does not exclude,
adiaryfromnoone declares you have nothing to proove.
You are good enough,
There is no spell,
Nor magic pill,
But with patience and skill,
You can do better,
I believe you will.
I am no Messiah,
Miracle maker,
I have my limits too,
But self belief,
And the blessing of another,
Is a secret super power,
To clear the self hate and clutter,
Making room to get better,
Together.

6 week bender…

Back in the day, this tittle may have suggested parties and substanceabuse in one way or another, now its a realisation that I have been somewhat manic all year thus far. Stepping out and actually thinking about iy all, I spot self image and splitting issues, I really consider myself (Jade) to be entirely seperate to adiaryfromnoone but we shate the same heart and mine is broken!
As adiaryfromnoone I am strong, resilient, passionate, brave, open, honest, processing, investigating, reflecting, relating, educating and bossing mental health awareness.
I had been familiarising myself with like minded people, in Facebook groups and sharing my informative videos from the BPD playlist on my YouTube channel adiaryfromnoone only to discover that some groups are very territorial, not fans of my sharing, most likely in fear of me taking the spotlight. I cannot believe (especially the BPD) groups are so pernickety and controlling about my posts. I want to reach out and help, my style of which is by sharing my weekly video’s. Trying to stick to one post a day, despite having a personal odd relationship with time, gave me purpose and healing, to have this access taken away, by the groups designed to help me is hypocritical, contradictory, damaging and absurd.
So now, rejected with no idea of how long I will be blocked and then the need to try and not have that block repeated is unsettling and upsetting. I am fragile, this knock may seem small but I do not cope well with change, my hours and hours of busying myself with adiaryfromnoone every single day, has been taken away.
I don’t know how else to reach out. This is why I have created the Facebook group; MENTAL HEALTH CHAT to not be selfish and limiting, to obviously be weary of trigger posts but to allow people to share and communicate through whatever avenue suits them best, poetry, art, chit chat, offloading etc,so please join our currently small but exciting and refreshing group, “MENTAL HEALTH CHAT”.
So if you read this, on my behalf, please share the following on all socials;
YouTube channel adiaryfromnoone and the BPD playlist, the more people I reach, the more peole I can connect with.
https://youtube.com/channel/UCpOtZyoRdlme1v3uX-fhYTA
Love & Light ❤️ ☀️ xx adiaryfromnoone
Your subscriptions let me know loud and clear, that my mission to raise mental health awareness is being received loud and clear 🙏🏾
Plus I thank you for always finding the time to pop by here and read my latest. Thank you.

I Matter!

There’s a gun shot,
Everyone looks at me.
There’s a scream in the crowd,
Everyone looks at me.
There’s a riot,
Everyone looks at me.
I once thought that look was a look of care,
How naive I was!
My so called friends,
My allies,
Strangers,
Peers,
Mentors,
White faces,
Surround me,
Many times I am the one black face in the crowd,
I thought you stayed close out of loyalty,
Not to monitor me,
Keep your friends close,
But your enemies closer,
Yet whom declared that we are enemies at all?
No one told me.
Words unspoken,
Now are deafening,
As I realise the truth.
You never thought we were equal,
Always suspecting,
Always suspicious,
Always weary of me,
Just because of the exterior you see.
I am human just like you,
We breath the same air,
Share the same planet,
Yet you feel more entitled,
And act accordingly to enforce power,
Hold the reigns.
You only see me when you need someone to blame,
Take the rap.
If there is blame,
You blame and shame me immediately,
On no other grounds but as to what you see,
A black somebody.
If there is an altercation,
You blame me.
When there is wrong doing,
You blame me.
I was blind,
But now I see.
I strive to walk freely,
Proud of my identity,
I will stand my ground peacefully,
Stare straight back at you when you stare at me,
Keeping my dignity,
No longer oblivious to your suspicions,
Not allowing you to control me.
I still walk amongst you kindly,
But I will not allow you to ogle me everytime there is indecent activity,
Not knowing and all assuming,
As you are more likely the sinner than me.
Black Lives Matter.
This is not derogatory to any other lives,
But a reminder to those whom are ignorant,
Whom forget,
Whom haven’t figured it out yet.
Oppressed for years,
The punch bag to many,
I wondered what was wrong with me.
Microdosed insertion of power always looming over my head,
I lost my self worth.
Damaged goods from the lacerations of slavery,
Entrapment,
Poverty,
Does make me angry,
Has weakened me,
But not defeated me.
You need not fear me,
Just acknowledge,
Treat me and my Kin fairly,
Because they matter,
All black lives matter,
I matter.

Talk To People…

So the caption and advice of, “Talk To People” is an endless trending message re. Mental Health these days and I thank those with a platform whom are willing to discuss ill mental health, as we live in a follow fashion society and celebrities posts are listened to, influence, motivate Joe public more than The Royals/Politicians/mental health specialists and survivors in recovery like myself these days, especially for the young ones, whom inevitably are our future.
I like that mental illness is being discussed rather than shunned and hushed, it’s on the radar and people are getting more acquainted with mental illness and what it may mean. Yet there is still an ambience of being sugar coated, polished, filtered, watered down and cut. Ill mental health has a vast spectrum and many, many layers. It is complex, it has no cap or guaranteed time limit. Each experience is personal. Most experiences have a domino effect and the pain unintentionally ripples through our nearest and dearest. Some people just aren’t equipped to help and support people in immediate/impulsive/high risk/sudden/long standing crisis and that is OK, often there needs to be professional intervention. Unless someone has been through something similar personally or knows of someone and how the mental health system works, therefor having empathetic ears and memorised go to responses, hearing that someone is suicidal is a huge responsibility that may have a knock on affect and cause detrimental damage to the chosen someone, making them feel guilty, some part responsible, to blame and then mentally unwell due to the strain and guilt. Not everyone is equipped to deal with another in a mental breakdown/psychotic episode/crisis and that is OK, but something we must teah and preech before sending out a global message to those that are unwell, saying just tell someone/anyone when not everyone can handle the responsibility and then the rejection could make the ill more sick.
Not everyone has empathy and emotional common sense. Generation’s/Religion/Nature/Nurture/Upbringing/Exposure may sway our minds in response to comprehending the magnitude of seriousness mental health issues obtain.
Many people turn to social media for help, not understanding that social media is simply smokes and mirrors, people are more into putting out than even giving attention to what comes in. The ill persons message and cry for help may not be seen until too late, maybe just not even at all. People love to post messages of love and heartache after lives are lost rather than being around to comfort when people are on the line. It is all rather insincere.
Clueless people yet my own loved ones have said, “Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like that”, “Do you think you are the only one”, “If you’re going to do it (commit suicide) hurry up and get on with it”, “We are all fucked up, not just you”, “You know we love you” post suicide attempts and so that is why I do not reach out to anyone, because abandonment and rejection are two heavy symptoms of my Borderline Personality Disorder, if I am feeling suicidal, reach out to friends whom never check in, family whom say the above, my impulsivuty will be the final straw. If you reach out for help and don’t receive it, it will make you worse, so being advised to just confide in anyone is poor advice, it’s a goal but we are not all there yet! Maybe that someone is great the first time but flash forward three years, they are over it with a call my bluff attitude or tough love, or even nonchalant way of thinking, distancing themselves from you, purposefully excluding you, segregating you, not realising that the sick persons actions are not a choice and cannot be switched off for respite. I guarantee that the strain they put on you does not even contend with what they are going through. Please don’t neglect your duty of care to your daughter/sister/mother etc. External support can be critical but love is a powerful medicine!
Sometimes when in need, I haven’t even been able to get in touch with my mental health team and two-five hours later when I do, the advice is nothing more than common sense, which is not a remedy for someone out of their mind.
If you cannot call anyone that you know, please call the likes of the semaritans.
If you don’t like talking or even know where or how to start, please call 999 or 111 and they will act accordingly.
Please think about what options you have and try them all before attempting the final straw.
Flashback a few months to a year before you hit rock bottom. Please go to your GP and disclose your ailments, they will refer you accordingly. Figure out what distraction techniques work for you when you are having a bad/hard time. Even if without detail, let someone you are close to (family/friend/colleague/partner) know and so they are in the loop. Remember mental illness is more common than you would think and therefor the stats of ignorance and ridicule are slowly dropping.
If you cannot talk face to face or via text, please write a letter or blog or poem, you don’t have to send or post but it may be an easier way for you to share your vulnerability.
Someone out there loves you or that someone is coming. You deserve love, kindness, patience, understanding and happiness.
Who knows what happens when we go, I guess in this lifetime we will never know and so please hold on, it’s a bumpy ride, but try not to check out before the end, it will come, so please wait and let it, this suffering may have a purpose but only time will tell, if you keep defying and reaching, don’t let the darkness eat you! ❤️ ;

Glorious…

Somewhere beyond the grave, Beyond the clouds,
Beyond the stars,
Beyond the galaxies,
There is a place that so far I can only dream of.
A place where only the good may roam.
I cannot see it,
I cannot hear it,
But I can taste it,
I can feel it,
I believe in it.
This is the place where we are all destined to go,
Yet how we conduct ourselves in this lifetime may stop us from reaching.
Whether we all make it,
All my loved ones and I,
I do not yet know,
But some secrets are to be kept,
As we are unable to fully comprehend them as yet.
I trust in it,
And hopefully one day I will see it,
Make it,
Reach it,
Meet all of my loved ones there,
From the past,
My future,
And present,
And spread my wings.
It will be glorious.