Is this fun for you?

Ladies and gentlemen,
This isn’t a play,
I’m devastated that it has gone down this way.
How long do I have to stay?
It’s June now,
I came in,
In May!
Stop looking at me in that arrogant way.
Is this fun for you?
I don’t wanna play.
Let’s sit-down nurse,
Talk it out and converse.
Your attitude stinks
And it’s making me worse.
Let us talk about it,
Before I drop a bomb and scream and shout.
Ultimately we want the same thing,
To figure out what this is all about.
I’m all ears and willing to admit my deepest fears.
It’s time to get things sorted,
It has been years.

For My Mother…

When you look into the eyes of a loved one after a mental health episode, it is emotionally suffocating. You see the pain that you have caused them reflect from their over dilated pupils. The stains from tears upon their cheeks and heavy bags from lack of sleep. They look worse off then you do. Not being a mother myself, I cannot fathom the pain that I have put her through and only hope that she knows causing her pain whilst suffering from a poorly brain, is not what I intended to do. Nothing that you can say or do can cancel, delete or take away the emotional scarring that you have lasered upon them. All words of apology, any type of explanation disintegrate before they reach her ears because you have awakened her deepest fears. Unintentionally or not, the damage has already been done. Once in a state of clarity, I now see and acknowledge the wrongs that I have done and apologise whole heartedly. Please know that I love you and accept the damage that I have done. You are my Mum, my home and where I came from.

I wrote this for my Great Grandma just before she passed away… She has left us now but in our hearts she will always stay!

My Great Grandma,
You are like a star,
Shining all through your life from near or far,
Spreading light wherever you are,
You’ve packed your bags,
You’re going away,
It’s time to leave,
You can no longer stay.
We love you so much,
We don’t want you to go,
From the bottom of our hearts we love you so,
Because you are my Great Grandma.
We’re turning off the lights,
That you have shined so bright,
We’ll throw you in the sky to now spread your light,
And we’ll look up at you,
And always remember you,
Because we love you.
My Great Grandma.

Head Sore…

I often think that I was destined for more,
Just thinking about it makes my head sore.
I was on a mission and no obstacles would get in my way,
There was no time to hesitate or let things cause delay.
My dreams seemed achievable,
But life became an increasing obstacle.
I close my eyes often and question what is real,
And I feel the way that I used to feel.
But they are just memories with a hint of fabrication,
All of my dreams now are under heavy cancellation.

Making Friends…

Someone very wise once told me that if when we die, we can count all of our friends on one hand, we have had a good life

You would think that making friends would get easier with age,
Practice makes perfect,
We have been doing it all of our lives,
But on the contrary,
As we grow we obtain baggage,
It weighs us own,
We become more complex,
Less daring,
Less innocent,
Less forgiving,
And shut the door to the unknown,
Which we once welcomed with open arms,
We were not deterred by thoughts, worry or fear,
Our guards were once down,
But today,
Inevitable pain from loss and rejection effect’s us so much,
We learn to barricade ourselves off for protection,
But then often find ourselves alone!

Bird Watcher

I watch them fly over me,
The flock go back and forth,
Back and forth.
I was once amongst them,
Soaring the sky in unison,
Sometimes I would even lead.
Now injured,
I ly on my back,
Still watching them come and go,
Come and go.
They must continue,
They are obligated to,
They can’t just stop,
They don’t want to stop,
And so I must let them go.
My love for them cancels the anger,
Pacifies the jealousy.
Nostalgia provides great memories,
The best,
Which for now I keep close to my chest,
Should this be my final place of rest.
Undeterred,
I hold onto hope,
Hope that I may join them again,
One fine day.

6 deaths in 11months…

6 deaths in 11months,
They do say that these things all come at once,
I can’t understand it,
It’s just so sad,
Think about it to much and it will turn you mad.
I feel like things should ground to a halt,
If we shout loud and protest,
It’s got to be someone’s fault!?
Why these people keep leaving I do not know.
Is there a Heaven?
I truely hope so.
A place of rest?
Or happiness?
Until we walk in the shadow of death,
We will never know,
If there is such a place,
They all very much deserve to go!

Side by Side

I was blessed with a huge heart to love and although I do not give to receive, it would be nice to feel the warmth that I so easily give to others. I don’t know if it is a curse, bad luck or just as tough for everyone, normal perhaps, but I am very familiar with abandonment and rejection and after years and years of it, basically my whole entire life, it surprises me that I still try, I still require love so very much.

To imagine a life without you,
Seems no longer true.
Let us try to not worry about the past as it has gone,
The future is out there and tomorrow will come,
But let us focus on living in the moment and enjoying today.
As the hands of time rotate,
Let us acknowledge and not suppress,
Communicate yet not fixate on the troubles that we may create.
We should not run,
We cannot hide.
Just let me love you
And let’s stick together with pride,
Side by side.

REJECTION

Rejection, Rejection,
Upon my reflection,
Rejection, Rejection,
Punched right in the core.
Has left me to rot from within,
Poison running raw.
Fiends, Family, Loved One’s, Strangers and People that I simply adore,
I can’t take it anymore,
I don’t even remember a before.
I never asked for this,
Please give us a break and take me off your list.

Drifting…

Is it selfish of me to be cross?
To expect things from you that I cannot do myself?
Should a postcode determine a friendship?
Should making a journey deter you from seeing me?
Should my anxiety forbid me from travelling to you?
No!
But it has!
But it does!
I don’t want our relationship to require, “Making an effort”.
I don’t want to chase you.
I don’t want to have to say.
You should just know!
You used to!
And so it saddens me to admit,
yet I cannot deny,
that things have certainly changed.
Once a priority now it seems obligatory.
That leaves me alone and riddled in pain.
Alone,
A recluse,
hanging onto distant memories that fade everyday.