Destined For…

I share,
Because I care,
I’m on the Borderline,
But I’m aware!
An expert at reaching out to all of you everywhere,
Used to needing care myself but people not being there.
My vocabulary,
Elegant ability to articulate,
Does not mean I am serving you the full plate!
I’m a clever fox,
Full of empathy
But useless at reaching out for people to help me.
I’m scared because of my history,
People reprimanding me for my disability,
The blame,
The shame,
Has silenced me.
I say just enpugh to help,
To include,
To give hope,
But get none of this myself.
Silently I observe the love and care,
Time and effort,
People are prepared to give others,
But its never me.
I feel cursed,
So I try to flip it,
Turn my pain into another someones gain.
It works,
I’m a healer,
A teacher,
An advocate,
A facilitator,
But I am not as strong a warrior as I have you believe.
My acting talents help me deceive,
Like a magical scarf up a magician’s sleeve,
Scared to disclose all,
Because I don’t know if I can get up again after the next big fall.
I want a future now,
But what if that is not my purpose!?
Not what I am destined for!?

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Who do you turn to?

Just had a wobble,
A relapse,
Takes me back,
Like no time has passed,
Like I had never moved on,
Turned a corner,
Learnt to manage my self in a civilised order.
I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone,
To ask for help and support,
Because I am terrified of rejection.
I often feel like a cock roach,
Vermin,
Never ending,
Drowning,
Burning,
Noose,
Pills,
Sharps,
I’m indestructible,
I just keep coming back.
So many times I have intended to take flight,
When I am all out of line,
I cannot bare not feeling right,
Yet time and time again this feeling reoccurs.
What would I gain from sharing my pain?
I will just end up loosing people again.
So in silence I pour my heart out on this page,
As I try and navigate silently away from self destruction,
I think of my angels,
The comfort of burning sage,
As I try to flush out this internal sadness,
Pain,
And rage.

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Worms Meat

I’m sorry that I get lost,
And for whatever cost that conjures up for you.
Just hear me now when I say that it is never my intention to hurt you,
Just like the pain you often unconsciously & constantly impact upon me.
Drowning,
Suffocated by the waves of the sea,
Unable to speak,
Reach out,
Lungs first filled with dispair,
Now lacking oxygen and air,
No one anywhere,
To help me,
No one sees me,
No one hears me,
No rescue,
And even if…
No remedy,
So with great tragedy,
I am taken,
Before you awaken to the facts of BPD,
Recognise how your actions,
Or lack of,
Have affected me.
How you may have triggered me relentlessly,
Saying you’d be there,
But keeping your distance from me,
Making me feel a menace,
Because my times of despair don’t suit thee.
How you showered me with assumptions,
False testament that you care,
Would always be there.
No professional support,
Lacking supervision,
Troubled mind,
Troubled soul,
Constantly fighting,
In competition,
Against the dark.
Beginning to dream of the light,
The dark reigns to tight,
Engolfed me,
Strangulation,
Dumping me,
Asphyxiation,
Abandoning me eternally,
I die,
Fighting until the last breath of my life,
Which I have taken,
Keen to try the unknown,
As ripped apart,
My connection to this world no longer sewn.
Typically late,
Perhaps once gone my transparency shall be found,
And then you will hear my story,
And perhaps understand me,
Learn from me and my legacy,
Help others whom are like me,
As my archives will be available for eternity,
And I hope I won’t be bitter,
All will be forgiven,
Despite your triggers of rejection,
Abandonment,
Inability to understand when I needed you to help me,
Ultimately making worms meat of me.
I may leave this mortal coil,
But my soul shall shine eternally.

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Shoot…

Like a supernatural force,
A dark and heavy energy,
I fear my next piece of writing,
May be my self written eulogy.
Tired of trying to defend myself and explain,
When your ears are closed and your response is exactly the same,
Causing me greater pain.
Numb and mute,
I try to compute,
The root,
But my finger is already on the trigger ready to shoot…

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adiaryfromnoone

Hello me lovelies, just a reminder that my YouTube channel adiaryfromnoone BPD playlist releases new footage every week on a Sunday. I will do my best to provide you all with food for thought every week of 2021, but of cause suffering from BPD myself may make my goal impossible; yet thusfar (30/03/21) I have kept my pact, despite being in hospital for an entire week but it was very demanding and hard work. I must be real with both all of you and myself, there may be some blank weeks. To stay on top, on track and to never miss out… Please show your support and share videos like…

And please subscribe asap, it gives me drive, because analytics, if not likes/subs/comments proove that I am reaching people and hopefully helping/educating/relating/processing bringing love and light through truth and reflection of mine own experiences and empathy. I am not a medical professional nor mental health practitioner but I am a self appointed mental health advocate. I believe sometimes you have to know somethings through experience, not learn through textbooks but life itself. adiaryfromnoone is about helping others and encouraging togetherness because of strength in numbers, so please join me and share both this website and YouTube channel to help ke help others?
❤️☀️🙏🏾 Just copy and paste either below…
adiaryfromnoone…
https://youtube.com/channel/UCpOtZyoRdlme1v3uX-fhYTA
BPD Playlist…

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Small Wedding

When celebrities talk about ill mental health,
The whole world becomes intrigued about that someones wellbeing,
Not knowing how much closer to home someone may be suffering,
That they aren’t hearing or seeing.
Judging family and friends,
But sympathising with celebrities.
It makes no sense to me.
These same very people profess their innocence,
Rather than admitting to administrated distance,
They put between themselves and the mentally ill,
Exhibiting ignorance,
Not there day to day,
But just for the thrill.
“I never knew”,
They say!
“I should have done more”,
They say!
Whilst expecting you to just wish your mental illness away.
Like you have full control for it to go or stay.
As adiaryfromnoone I express myself very clear,
Determined to help anyone and everyone out there,
But Jade is insecure,
Jade is sick in hospital,
I don’t want to be,
I don’t like nor wish to be,
Just to be clear,
My anxiety is sky high,
I am all alone,
Psychosis is rife,
And it is hard to handle all this pain and strife.
Friends online plenty galore,
But in real life,
I have learnt not many at all!
I’m ok with my little family,
But have taken note at just how quick people have forgotten me,
And should I ever pass away early,
It will be those same absent people championng me.
I am here in hospital for ill physical health,
But everything is connected.
5 days in,
Much has been noted and reflected.
I know there is a pandemic but I feel somewhat disposable and unaccepted.
Then the BPD cycle begins as I feel misunderstood,
Unheard,
Abandoned,
And rejected,
I’ll happily delete plenty from the wedding list now,
So it wont be so expensive!

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I cannot dismantle my entirety to suit you!

When the flip shall the two meet,
I know I have Mental Health Issues,
And I don’t expect anyone or regular health staff to fall at my feet,
But a bit of empathy would be a real treat.
I am not violent or eratic,
So people think I am just sensative and perfetic,
But I got news for you,
We have a variety of personalities just like you,
Cus we be humans too!
There’s no need to belittle,
Speak over,
Condescend me like you do,
I’m here for ill physical health,
But meatal illness and BPD is part of me too!
If you got a problem with that,
Don’t make it mine,
You do you,
Boo!

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adiaryfromnoone declares you have nothing to prove…

Started off as a dream,
So possible and real it tasted,
I devoured that cream.
Manifested into a nightmare,
A brutal scare,
My thrown now a rusty chair,
My crown,
Now made of thorns,
Slicing my scalp and cutting my hair.
Prayers silenced,
Praise scorned.
All this pain and suffering,
Viscously corrupting,
Emerged so abruptly,
As I lost everything,
Relentless and unsubtley,
Never saw it coming,
Never heard a sound,
Just all of a sudden I couldn’t cope being around,
Not long term,
Short term,
Day by day,
I wanted to permanently disappear,
One way,
To go away,
And I tried so hard,
A number of times,
But the Lord never took me,
Perhaps punishing me for my crimes,
Equality is not what it seems,
Poverty,
Racial disparity,
A black child dared to dream,
Nightmares a reality,
Made me feel unclean,
Unworthy,
Undeserved,
Untalented,
I then understood the world I live in,
Why I never made the final cut,
Got the guy,
Got the part,
Never had good luck,
But I,
Got bullied,
Ridiculed,
Rejected,
As injustice has found me over and over again,
I cannot remember now,
The last time when,
I felt entitled to dream,
And able to start again!
Perhaps in another life,
A reincarnation,
Unless a higher being pardons me,
Grants access to fair accessibility,
Maybe I will reach that destiny,
Eventually,
The greatest achievements,
They never come easily,
A blackbelt in combat,
Battling all things bad,
All things sad,
Maybe one day I’ll make Mumma glad that she had me,
Make her proud,
Maybe the end of my story wont be so bad,
I’ll amount to something,
Use my pain and suffering,
To help others when they get angry and mad,
When their tears keep pouring and they can’t shake the sad,
When they make poor choices and do something bad,
adiaryfromnoone won’t judge,
adiaryfromnoone does not exclude,
adiaryfromnoone declares you have nothing to proove.
You are good enough,
There is no spell,
Nor magic pill,
But with patience and skill,
You can do better,
I believe you will.
I am no Messiah,
Miracle maker,
I have my limits too,
But self belief,
And the blessing of another,
Is a secret super power,
To clear the self hate and clutter,
Making room to get better,
Together.

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6 week bender…

Back in the day, this tittle may have suggested parties and substanceabuse in one way or another, now its a realisation that I have been somewhat manic all year thus far. Stepping out and actually thinking about iy all, I spot self image and splitting issues, I really consider myself (Jade) to be entirely seperate to adiaryfromnoone but we shate the same heart and mine is broken!
As adiaryfromnoone I am strong, resilient, passionate, brave, open, honest, processing, investigating, reflecting, relating, educating and bossing mental health awareness.
I had been familiarising myself with like minded people, in Facebook groups and sharing my informative videos from the BPD playlist on my YouTube channel adiaryfromnoone only to discover that some groups are very territorial, not fans of my sharing, most likely in fear of me taking the spotlight. I cannot believe (especially the BPD) groups are so pernickety and controlling about my posts. I want to reach out and help, my style of which is by sharing my weekly video’s. Trying to stick to one post a day, despite having a personal odd relationship with time, gave me purpose and healing, to have this access taken away, by the groups designed to help me is hypocritical, contradictory, damaging and absurd.
So now, rejected with no idea of how long I will be blocked and then the need to try and not have that block repeated is unsettling and upsetting. I am fragile, this knock may seem small but I do not cope well with change, my hours and hours of busying myself with adiaryfromnoone every single day, has been taken away.
I don’t know how else to reach out. This is why I have created the Facebook group; MENTAL HEALTH CHAT to not be selfish and limiting, to obviously be weary of trigger posts but to allow people to share and communicate through whatever avenue suits them best, poetry, art, chit chat, offloading etc,so please join our currently small but exciting and refreshing group, “MENTAL HEALTH CHAT”.
So if you read this, on my behalf, please share the following on all socials;
YouTube channel adiaryfromnoone and the BPD playlist, the more people I reach, the more peole I can connect with.
https://youtube.com/channel/UCpOtZyoRdlme1v3uX-fhYTA
Love & Light ❤️ ☀️ xx adiaryfromnoone
Your subscriptions let me know loud and clear, that my mission to raise mental health awareness is being received loud and clear 🙏🏾
Plus I thank you for always finding the time to pop by here and read my latest. Thank you.

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Radio 5/ YouTube get involved with all things adiaryfromnoone

So firstly I am so excited to know that I am still getting regular traffic on this website and that my words are appealing.
For a bit of a change, all 2021 should things go to plan… I will be releasing weekly video’s about mental health in hope of making people feel less alone.
My YouTube channel is adiaryfromnoone and you’ll want to check out the BPD playlist for new material.
All my social media is adiaryfromnoone
I have also started to build a safe space and place to chat to like minded souls about your woes and feelings, troubles, achievements etc. Please join Facebook Group; MENTAL HEALTH CHAT
Here’s a link to my latest YouTube upload. Is it a story about psychosis or the supernatural!? I think both. https://youtu.be/Dko9Ce7VbVU
Lastly… TONIGHT BBC RAFIO 5 LIVE from 5.45pm I should pop up and share some of my pandemic and mental health struggles andvthoughts on racial disparity. So please tune in ❤️

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