Hospital Discharge

Today I got good news. News that I would indeed be let out of the psychiatric institution that has been my home for three weeks, aside from my short stay at the general hospital where they treated my blood infection (sepsis). I have transitioned from one of my worst crisis episodes over the past three and a half years since my breakdown to a place where I feel ready to go back home and get some normality. As much as the downside of being in hospital means very little alone time and definitely not alot of quiet time, I will almost miss help being at hand 24/7 and being amongst people. My life in London was very sociable. I had alot of friends and acquaintances and have barely any in Birmingham. I wish I could just get out there and meet new people, potential life long friends but it gets harder with age. Most people my age already have their solid group of friends, or they are settling down, getting married and/or having kids. I feel so very left behind. I like my own company and I need routine. Prior to hospital I was in a relationship which meant that I was alone less and my routine took second place to my old someone’s needs and desires. I wish that I could say no regrets as we had some good times but being poorly and emotionally unstable, the whole situation was handled in an insensitive manor by my old someone and that fed my demons. There was already so much going on, it is not surprising that I cracked. Unfortunately after so many relationship hiccups these past few years, one romantic, the rest all platonic, and with my anxiety in mind, I am less inclined to get out there and meet new people. If my energy is negative, it will only attract more negativity. I have never loved myself, perhaps there lye’s the real problem but I do plan to nurture myself back into a level where I can at least feel comfortable being me. A place where I can enjoy making memories with the very few nearest and dearest in my life. I am happy for everyone who has found love, who feels comfortable in their work and have great social lives and salaries. Do I feel slightly resentful for not being a more active part in their lives? Yes, but the world can’t go on hold until I catch up because in all fairness, with all the difficulties that I have had to endure, that I imagine will always be part of my life, I will never catch them up and as much as it hurts, I must not hinder there happiness and success. Someone has to miss out and/or loose out and it seems that I am that someone. The runt, the looser, the down trodden and forgotten. So the likes of yoga, wonder care smart and the gym shall be my loyal trustees’ until I gain some confidence back and then and only then will I take another chance at weighing up my options. I have so much love to give, I really don’t want to waste it. Let’s hope this discharge from hospital allows me to open a new chapter, to start afresh. Fingers and toes well and truely crossed.

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