Two day’s straight without tears!

I didn’t cry at all Monday and haven’t thus far today (Tuesday)! What I am sure most people would consider normal, feels like a great achievement to me. The day’s are far better without tears. My day’s are still consumed with psychotic hallucinations which trigger self destructive tendencies, which links to my anxiety, but considering that I am still in crisis…. crossing one huge symptom off the list has given me a bit of a rest bite. Yey and hooray for the silver lining. If my illness has taught me anything, it is to not take the good times and good moments for granted, To not take having the freedom of being in the community for granted. It’s a sad state of affairs if not crying makes a good day, but when you have been crying for months, dry eyes feel good. It is just as important to say this as it is to note my downs. Up’s are few and far between but on day’s like today, I feel blessed to have such amazing people in my life, they are but a few but they mean the world to me. People who take the time to ask that I am ok? People who have taken the time to research my illnesses. People who touch base just to remind me that I am loved and remind me that I do have people who care for me, because I often question such things and mistrust everyone, “How can people love and care for me when I don’t love and care for myself”, kind of thing. My immediate family, my someone and my few friends are like oxygen to me. The people that answer the phone to me day or night. The people who know what is really going on, behind my mask/computer screen. The people that put their feelings aside when I am unwell and unable to think rationally, those very same people that are consistent and stand by my side.
Mental health problems can leave people isolated, reclusive, passionless and out of touch with everyone. As we grow older, the number of genuine friends that we have generally decrease, mental health problems can accelerate that because we can be quite trying. We really don’t mean to be difficult, extra sensitive, selfish or hard work. We just want to love and be loved in return, like everyone else, we just perhaps need reminding a little more then thought to be normal. I personally have to combat general paranoia which is intensified by the voices that I hear, which are currently all day every day. It’s like having two bullies by my side, who are complete, “Debbie Downers” who make fun of me, question all things good, focus on all things bad and have a vendetta to make me miserable and sad. They win usually, leaving me emotionally burnt out and desperate for silence. The love from my parents, my sister, my someone, my best friend and the support that I have had daily from the home treatment team, my exercise and the medication have definitely contributed to the last two tearless day’s. Long may they reign! Only, there are a lot of hours in just one day and it takes but a moment for me to relapse. I am usually up and down like a yoyo but it really is nice to have not cried. Thank you people, thank you universe and all things powerful, thank you.

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