This is just a quick update. Thank you to those who read my blog last night. I must stress that it was written as a therapeutic outlet, rather then a cry for help. I apologise for upsetting, misleading and therefore worrying anyone.
I went to the local mental health hospital and confessed all that is currently not right. They took note and prescribed some anti anxiety meds to go long with my usual cocktail. This particular drug (Lorazepam) has really helped me out when I have had heightened symptoms before.
I went to the gym for 2.5 hours and have now taken my meds and so I hope that together they will start to release some sort of calmer effect. Either way, I will let you know.
All of the positive things in my life are simply wonderful but I cannot forget that I am suffering from several brutal and intense mental health problems. I cannot just turn my illness off. Yes, I have moments, sometimes days and weeks of, “normality” but I live in cycles and cycles of extreme highs and extreme lows. The pattern is irregular but it seems that if I have a good time, it is always followed by a long, hard and confusing time. I long for the days of nothingness. Hopefully either the meds or therapy will cure me of this in time, perhaps I will just be better at controlling them. I already know that supressing them does not work, stuff always finds a way of coming back, rising up even worse then before. Who knows!? Just know that I am trying and when I have the ability to think rationally, the last thing that I want to do is cause pain and suffering to anyone. Only you must understand, my rationalism is often clouded by continuous negative and controlling thoughts, voices, hallucinations and psychosis. I am battling against them everyday, I just choose not to talk about this to much as I don’t want to give them the power to control my life even more! I think it is all almost impossible for you to understand if you haven’t experienced it, but I thank you for trying. When I choose to disclose via the means of poetry, they are always cryptic, I can write what I am feeling in a creative manner, I don’t spell things out and it helps me make sense of it all. I really hope that my honesty offers many of you comfort in knowing that if you have similar problems, you are not alone.