Don’t tell me I’m selfish for trying to hurt you.

Don’t call it abandonment for trying to leave you.

My decisions are not about you.

My decisions come from a place I wish that you never discover.

A place with no name,

But such power and determination.

It tells me to do what I do.

Think what I think.

Stop when I stop.

So I try to block…

This thing inside is a part of me.

If I hurt it, it might stop.

Kill it, it will stop.

I hurt it, it does stop and gives me control, power, releases tension, creates ease.

To kill it, it’s trickier.


How much?

How little?

Does it mean killing me?

I want to destroy it.

Obliterate it from inside of me.

And just be…


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