Destined For Disaster…

Staring at the wall again,
Trying to remember when,
Everything was so good back then,
Looking back at photo’s,
Trawling through social media,
The filtered photo’s deceive ya,
Me and the Girls,
Me and the Boys,
Cocktails,
Mocktails,
Endless joys,
Youth,
Freedom,
Expression,
Creativity,
Power,
Sexy,
Sassy,
PARTY!
Those years were golden,
I now understand the phrase,
But gradually everyone has grown,
Moved on,
Progressed to the next phase,
Transitioned in only the best ways,
Detached from the old days,
And the only one left in pain,
Sad and angry,
Is me!
Stuck in a rut,
The door hammered shut,
I am so far removed from them,
They don’t bat an eyelid,
But even if they did,
They don’t see,
They don’t recognise me,
I am the lone soldier,
That basks in the memories,
That they did leave.
How is it fair,
That those who have done me wrong,
Have moved forward,
Happy and strong?
I was insignificant then,
And I am insignificant now.
Staring at the wall again,
Straining to remember when,
There were no voices.
What shall I do?
Take some pills and end it?
Make myself bleed to control it?
Talk to someone?
I cannot.
If things don’t mend and positively change,
I just don’t think I can go on.
Anchored by trauma,
Separating me from old dreams,
Repelling dreams a new,
I loose my desire to push for a break through,
I cannot foresee anything,
I feel so weak,
Not strong,
Perhaps I was destined for despair all along!?

Extra Time…

That poor child with a hole in his heart,
He has a pocket full of dreams.
Adventurous,
Brave,
Smart,
And cheeky,
Eager for his life to start!
“A Doctor” is what he said that he wanted to be,
And so he could help fellow sick people like he!
Then there is me,
Nearly thirty three,
Thirty years his senior,
A wasted soul,
Unhappy and ungreatful in life.
We both have hole’s iin our Herat’s,
Only his,
Literal,
And mine,
Metaphorical,
Still each scenario could lead to an unpleasant fatality.
He,
To him this whole notion is inconceivable,
Unbelievable,
Unfathomable.
I was once like him,
Determined to heal,
Beg,
Borrow,
And steal,
In order to be alive and feel!
I would give him my life if I could,
He would make the most of it,
I know he weould!
Life to me,
Does not feel as it should,
Full of heartache,
Misery,
Despair,
And negativity,
Running on misery,
No obvious destiny,
Broken and desperately misunderstood.
I want him to have my life,
Some extra time.
To you this may sound strange,
To me it is a fair exchange.
An opportunity to be the best that he can be.
The wires in my head are positioned incorrectly,
If I could give him my time,
My life,
Perhaps that would finally mean peace for me.
I would be his Guardian Angel,
With him day by day,
Guide him from wrong to right.
I would monitor his sleep,
Converse with the Sand Man,
Sucking out the venom that nightmares make,
And replace them with love,
Confidence,
Comfort,
And passion,
Whilst gazing upon him amongst the star light sky at night.