13 Reasons Why…

After watching The Netflix Original, “13 Reasons Why” I decided to think about my own 13 reasons, as I often feel suicidal.The show is complex and realistic, it tells the story of a teenage girl who struggles to fit in and find herself, make positive and strong relationships with friends or lovers. She is both exposed to and experiences horrific trauma, she is bullied and misunderstood. She struggles with communicating her problems and slowly gives up after far to many unpleasant turn of events. I think that the message is, don’t give up, there is always help and a positive way out but in my personal situation, even with help intense medical treatment, currently fighting everyday from hospital, if not, then from home! The struggle remains, regardless of age or location. Here are my 13 reasons, +4… 1)Isolation (no one unprofessional person I can be 100% honest with 24/7) 2) rejection (biological father, modeling agency as child, step father, boyfriends, employees, friends and family) 3) abandonment (father, step father, boyfriends) 4) unsuccessful (dreams/career/unacomplished for my age) 5) unlucky (in general, in love, in health) 6) undesirable (baggage) 7) alopecia (embarrassing and confusing to lovers) 8) self harm (scars) 9) weight (plus size without intense maintenance that I sometimes cannot keep up with ill health) 10) mental health (mood swings, odd behaviour is demanding and requires intense patience) 11) impulsive (unpredictable and unsafe = dependant on help of any kind) 12) temperamental (good times and bad times cannot be forcast) 13) victimised (bullied) 14) Trauma (sexually assulted) 15) Pain (I feel sick to my stomach with the hatred I feel towards myself and cannot control, manage or contend with being me) 16) Voices (the theory) 17)Dissociation (the unknown, random, unexplained danger that I find myself in)
Reasons to live, 1) ideally a parent should never have to bury their own child. 2) I do not want to mess up my little sisters life! 3) I want to help other people with their mental health struggles and that….. that is currently it. I am honestly so tired of fighting this forever proving, endless and tiresome game. I know that this confession is a shame and may seem attention seeking or defeatist but it is my truth. I currently see no light, no rainbow, no gold, no silver lining. I have sort for help but after two months and counting, I am by No means cured. I think that I need to learn to live with this but the thought of this forever is not appealing in the slightest.

Sun is fun but not a cure!!

Your frustration with me will not cease my symptoms,
Your hostility will not snap me out of it.
Your acceptance would be wonderful but how could you do so,
If you remain on the fence,
Or put up guards of offense.
If I cannot confide in you,
If I cannot speak of how I really feel,
Then I cannot be real with you.
I am suppressing,
Compressing,
Avoiding confessing,
And it both hurts and tires me.
I am passive,
I don’t want to fight.
I just want us all to get along and feel alright,
More then alright!
How many tears must I hide.
This code of conduct,
Grin and bare it,
I feel I cannot much longer abide.

Mental Health “Care”

I am by no means a veteran of mh hospitals but I have stayed in four, both in London and Birmingham, over the last three and a half years. In regards to atmosphere, Oleaster’s Melissa suite is by far the best. This time I found, “The Venue” extremely beneficial, it is basically a room and court yard off the wards, all inpatients are welcome and they provide varied entertainment all day, everyday. On the ward, I kept myself to myself, from experience making friends in a mental health environment is not wise, if not eating in the communal area, I would be in a side room playing guitar ? or in my room blogging, www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk but I met some very like minded people in the venue, people that also carried note books everywhere, people who also wrote poetry and lyrics, people who played musical instruments, people who wanted to sing and jam with me. The staff were non judgemental, accommodating, non invasive, helpful and detrimental towards my crisis recovery. Since being discharged, I would have loved to continue going for support and something positive to do. It was not explained to me that once discharged from home treatment, I would not be entitle to attend, if I knew, I would have been lots of times by now, I would have taken advantage of the opportunity. My options were not made clear. I asked for a referral, thinking that I could enjoy the venue as the next step to recovery after home treatment. Unfortunately because of where my general doctor’s is situated, I am not entitled to attend the venue, I have to go to the day centre at the Zinnia Centre instead. Logistically the decision completely makes sense but my feelings and well being have not been taken into account. I found a place of Zen and it deeply saddens me that I can not go back again! The decision has left me feeling angry and emotional, especially as it wasn’t made clear and explained to me these last few weeks, I could have at least utilised a bit of time there. My only other complaint is that staff need to be trained up on how to sensitively yet professionally handle people with BPD. I think that the illness is completely misunderstood and therefor handled incorrectly. If you have been admitted to a psychiatric hospital, it has not been decided lightly, there is a national shortage of beds, if you have been allocated one, you definitely deserve to be there and should be treated accordingly. I was told, “People like you should not be here”. That statement was an inaccurate matter of opinion. My time in hospital definitely helped me get through crisis.It’s all over the internet, people with BPD, feel Ike they are dismissed and not taken seriously by mh professionals, but BPD is often not the only illness that people suffer from and if you have been allocated home treatment or admitted into a psyche ward, it is mostly because of the patient being depressed or under heavy psychosis or a danger to themselves or all of the above, therefor acute admission is beyond necessary.

Why can’t you hear me?

Over and over and over again,
The same thing keeps on having!
As I continue to be unheard,
You continue to be absurd!
It’s all about points, goals and dates with you.
These things take time as I don’t function like you do!
If I speak my mind,
You say that I am being unrealistic,
I try to stay calm and kind,
But my patience is running thin and you’re acting like a prick.
So just leave!
Get out of my house!
If you cannot hear what I am saying,
Let’s just end this shit because I am done playing!