A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #understanding (page 1 of 3)

Mental Health Awareness Day

There is no shame in admitting that you are suffering,
Impatient and unempathetic people may tire of hearing,
Struggling to recognise what you are feeling,
None believing because they are not seeing,
Ill mental health may appear to be invisible,
Some people need to see scans,
Broken bones and bleeding,
Or they suspiciously cross you off as deceiving,
And that is why we need to raise awareness,
There are other telling truths then seeing to believe in.
Struggling to get out of bed,
Find joy and motivation,
Psychosis consistent,
Becomes dominant,
Especially when support off others is infrequent,
Or none existant.
When your hallucinations are more common,
Than the occurance of communication off others,
Life is bleak,
You are a prisoner to darkness,
Unable to see any light,
Each day is a fright,
And there is only one way out.
Your friends loose interest.
Your family turn their backs,
The help is infrequent,
Your lover feels trapped,
It seems like you mean to push them all away,
But just like you don’t know what to do or say,
Neither do they.
Social media is false representation,
Liking a post is not interaction,
Real acknowledgment,
Or appreciation.
Choosing to not discuss life depending issues,
Does not make them disappear.
Invitations become less.
Not one text.
You are living your life,
Avoiding the mess.
Not grasping that your neglection interjects even more stress.
So instead of being strong
Firm,
Consistent,
You just slip away,
Awkwardly as you know not what to say,
Until one day it happens to you,
And you get it,
But it is all just a little to late.
Take responsibility in knowing the basics of understanding the power of the mind.
We all have mental health,
And therefor we can and most likely will,
All experience ill mental health to some degree,
So take the opportunity to understand and be prepared,
We are not all hero’s,
If you can’t,
Or don’t want to help others,
At least help yourself.
Once you understand,
Pass the baton,
The more we know,
The more that know,
The less stigma and exclusion,
More respect and inclusion,
Hopefully leading to saving lives.
We loose too many to suicide.
Rip to those that have gone,
In your memory may we be strong,
Join forces,
Learn healing,
And live on.

Broken Heart

I think the reason why I blog, write poetry, spoken word, music and reach out to people on social media is because I genuinely don’t want people to feel the pain that I do. I reach out to anyone and everyone because I feel like I have lost the contact and love from important people in my life and I try to fill that void by helping others. A heavy heart and tangled brain is a burden that often leads to isolation and fatality. A problem halved is a problem shared, because you need more than one hose to put out a fire.
I have lost friends, partners and family because I suffer from mental illness, BPD and all that sails in her. I have lost a huge part of myself, my dreams, my confidence, reputation because after being constantly bullied, denied/abandoned/banished by my biological father, excluded from family holidays and reunions and you can only pick yourself up and dust yourself off so many times. I can see a world without me in it, way more clearly than I can see a future for myself. I want my own family and their only burden would be to be smothered by my love and baffled by my pride, my husband and children would never doubt my love for them for as long as I live.
When you stop going out and attending social events/family occasions, inevitably the invites stop coming in, so do the phonecalls texts and all communication.
The only comments I receive are about my weight gain, belittling or denying my illness, I receive no love off the people that once gave me so much. Do I embarrass them? Offend them? Do they honestly think self harm and suicidal behaviour is something that I am proud of, that I take pleasure in?
When you come from a working class background and you don’t get private health care, even the professionals abandon you and let you down. I had a mini breakdown last year, because of the disgraceful way that I was treated in hospital.
A family member has said to me, “If you are going to kill yourself, just get on with it and do it!” I tried by the way. At least I know where I stand with that individual.
Life carries on. I think people loose patience with people like myself. The survivors have a strong network of support. So many others leave this world because fighting depression/anxiety/psychosis is like fighting an army and no human is strong enough to combat an entire battle alone. Not even fictional characters like Arya Stark from Game of Thrones! Even her badass needed much help.
I apologise to all whom I have hurt/disappointed/upset since my breakdown 2013. I need you to know (even if you do not understand) I am ill. Would you be able to resent someone with epilepsy? Sounds a bit silly and I am not literally comparing, but sickness is sickness.
I used to reach out alot more before than I do now, because I know that there isn’t really enough help, love and support out there for me from the people that I want and need. I got so confused, at one point I was even reaching out to people from my past, whom were left in my past for a reason, sorry! Desperation is a poorly lit torch. I now understand your side steps.
I don’t need to be ignored, excluded resented by my closest/oldest (long standing) /bestest and feel that I both have been and am being.
I feel like a spare part.
I feel so tired of fighting alone.
I feel like trouble and woes just keep falling upon my shoulders.
I cannot really help myself anymore, I try my hardest to be independent and self sufficient but my demons are often all consuming. I take my medication, accept professional help but it feels like prolonging the inevitable.
Friends come and go in life but best friends should stick around through ups and downs forever.
Partners come and go in life but should I loose my current one I really will explode.
Love is so important and we understand that it should be unconditional, but more often than not, it proves not to be.
Family are your family, blood is an undeniable bond but I don’t expect my third cousin in timbuktu to be there for me, yet I do get disappointed by my immediate family not.
Age is just a number when it comes to dealing with the emotional turmoil that I do, I still need a phone call, an I LOVE YOU, a cuddle, to be held and included. I hate confrontation and so I don’t scream & shout about all this but we all know.
I think people get tired of people like me, I just want those people to know that I do not choose to be this way. I don’t want you to have to tolerate me, feel obliged to be there for me, so I silently let you ditch me but it does upset me and doesn’t help me stay on top of recovery. I have tried to communicate and hint but you are all putting a wedge between us, just please hold on until I am secure with my special someone, I won’t survive on my one.
To my blog readers I am No One, a someone representing everyone and no one in particular, but to a few I should be a special someone, and all this someone wants is to feel loved and secure to fuel the fight and sun away those dark clouds.
So never feel a burden by messaging me guys, together we can silence those terror crys.

Black Girls Don’t Cry… Returns

As a self appointed mental health advocate, I have been fortunate enough to be approached by the BBC a few times throughout my crazy journey of ill mental health and my latest opportunity was being able to share parts of my story via the BBC Radio4 and Made In Manchester documentary, “Black Girls Don’t Cry”. Due to resounding success, it is available once more. It airs January 3rd at 8pm BBC Radio4 but is also currently available on iPlayer. Simply Google, “Black Girls Don’t Cry” or https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0b9zfws and you shall be able to hear two other brave black ladies as well as myself, share our stories of ill mental health. Catch it while you can. It really gives great food for thought.

Take A Look At Your Own Mentality!?

Yo!
They heckle.
Freak,
Nuts,
Insane,
Not all there,
Half brain.
Shout your insults,
I don’t care,
You can pick those words up from anywhere!
Not only do you need to expand your vocabulary,
But instead of dissing me,
Take a look at your own mentality.
So you pick on people,
Make them feel small,
Try and hover above us,
Get to us,
And so you feel tall.
How about just minding your own business!?
I have no time for those that are unwilling to learn,
You annoy me,
But I cannot give you the satisfaction,
Of being my main concern,
Nor will I throw shade back at you,
Spreading the blazing fire,
From whence the trigger you did ignite,
Jumping on the band wagon,
Entering a fight with forgotten purpose or insight.
From such scenarios,
The drama shadows the roots,
Heads turn for the wrong reason,
And instead of resolvement,
Acknowledgement,
Resolution,
Prompting inclusion,
Understanding,
And a solution,
The focus gets distorted by your animosity,
Inviting more vultures,
To pollute the minds of the the impartial,
Media gets it twisted,
More haters are enlisted,
The idea of global,
Social,
Empathy,
And Understanding,
Is lost in ignorance pollution.
To the haters,
The trolls,
The small minded,
Blind,
Ignorant,
Judgemental,
I am drowning you out,
Because the venom from your mouth,
Is not worth a whisper,
Definitely nothing to shout about,
And unworthy of me to talk about.
I put my hands up,
With absolutely no shame,
I suffer from mental illness,
Which is a cognitive impediment in the brain.
I still have a heart to Love,
A soul to anchor feeling,
Being a mental health advocate is my choice,
And as I raise awareness,
I do it all for us,
Anyone,
And everyone,
Representing all of us,
With for now,
Just one voice,
But you are welcome to join me,
It is your choice!?

www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk
“No One’s Lounge” via my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone
All social media, adiaryfromnoone

Too late…

You should have been there,
You should have noticed,
You should have helped me,
You should have saved me!
You could have asked,
You could have told me,
You could have had my help,
You could have been saved!
I tried!
I Tried!
No you turned your back on me,
No you looked the other way,
No you didn’t listen,
No you didn’t help!
You put up a brick wall,
You looked fine,
You shut me out,
You didn’t ask!
I Tried!
I Tried!
I wish that we spoke,
I wish that I could have communicated with you,
I wish that I could feel that you cared,
I wish things ended differently!
Your pain did not translate,
Your suffering wasn’t clear,
You kept me at arms length,
Things could have ended differently!
Now I am gone!
Now you are gone!
Yet there is a lesson to be learnt here,
Which may lead to truly saving someone!

If you know someone who suffers from mental illness, checking in on them regularly could be a deal breaker. Feeling just an ounce of significance can save lives! Knowing you have someone to turn to can save lives. Feeling acknowledged can save lives. Knowing that support is available and warrented can and does save many lives. So be a sport, show some love and support, always be mindful that when people are mentally unwell, reassurance of security can be detrimental.
This following clip is of season 1, episode 2 of, “No One’s Lounge” my new mental health chat show via my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone all about stigma and taboo. Please check it out and share it all about. Donations will assure more episodes to come, crowd funding throughout the year… only 7 more to go and halfway there to number 3 🤞🏾❤

No One needs Your help!?…

I want to reach more people. I want to help more people. I want to make the topic of mental health more socially acceptable. I want to reach those in need. I want people to feel less alone and alien. I want people to accept their ailments. I will share my story and experiences of ill mental health time and time again, because I believe doing so sets an inclusive atmosphere for us all to share. I am no one, no one special, no one in particular, just a being like you, that is happy to share, providing my truth helps others contend with their own woes.
I will always write, but I am trying a new avenue of exposure. Visable documentary! Yet I need your help to do it properly. Please check out my Christmas 2017 pilot, both in trailer and/or full, via noone adiaryfromnoone on my YouTube Channel and please subscribe as well as share.

#shoutouts for those with #insomnia #Depression #anxietyproblems #worries #troubles #bpd #personalitydisorders #schizophrenia #ptsd #pnd any and every ill mental health #MentalHealthMatters & knowledge should be shared not silenced, please help me reach out to make more https://youtu.be/4mC_l48Ixkc via https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone/dashboard asap

Relationships Awry… Seperation Without An Explanation Or Goodbye!

How is it possible,
To drift apart as far as we have?
The thought alone,
Makes me very sad!
Is it punishment?
Protection?
A loss of effection?
This brutal wedge was not my intention.
My lack of perfection,
Has caused this rejection.
We weren’t two,
But one,
Now that bond has gone.
My illness has broken many things,
But the worst is loosing you,
My special someone,
And I fear that this is something that we cannot come back from.

13 Reasons Why…

After watching The Netflix Original, “13 Reasons Why” I decided to think about my own 13 reasons, as I often feel suicidal.The show is complex and realistic, it tells the story of a teenage girl who struggles to fit in and find herself, make positive and strong relationships with friends or lovers. She is both exposed to and experiences horrific trauma, she is bullied and misunderstood. She struggles with communicating her problems and slowly gives up after far to many unpleasant turn of events. I think that the message is, don’t give up, there is always help and a positive way out but in my personal situation, even with help intense medical treatment, currently fighting everyday from hospital, if not, then from home! The struggle remains, regardless of age or location. Here are my 13 reasons, +4… 1)Isolation (no one unprofessional person I can be 100% honest with 24/7) 2) rejection (biological father, modeling agency as child, step father, boyfriends, employees, friends and family) 3) abandonment (father, step father, boyfriends) 4) unsuccessful (dreams/career/unacomplished for my age) 5) unlucky (in general, in love, in health) 6) undesirable (baggage) 7) alopecia (embarrassing and confusing to lovers) 8) self harm (scars) 9) weight (plus size without intense maintenance that I sometimes cannot keep up with ill health) 10) mental health (mood swings, odd behaviour is demanding and requires intense patience) 11) impulsive (unpredictable and unsafe = dependant on help of any kind) 12) temperamental (good times and bad times cannot be forcast) 13) victimised (bullied) 14) Trauma (sexually assulted) 15) Pain (I feel sick to my stomach with the hatred I feel towards myself and cannot control, manage or contend with being me) 16) Voices (the theory) 17)Dissociation (the unknown, random, unexplained danger that I find myself in)
Reasons to live, 1) ideally a parent should never have to bury their own child. 2) I do not want to mess up my little sisters life! 3) I want to help other people with their mental health struggles and that….. that is currently it. I am honestly so tired of fighting this forever proving, endless and tiresome game. I know that this confession is a shame and may seem attention seeking or defeatist but it is my truth. I currently see no light, no rainbow, no gold, no silver lining. I have sort for help but after two months and counting, I am by No means cured. I think that I need to learn to live with this but the thought of this forever is not appealing in the slightest.

J

When you sobbed,
I cried for you,
Not realising that I was crying for me to!
Only sixty,
Not old at all,
In our day and age,
But your brain is at such an older stage,
You barely engage,
You get so forgetful,
You are so vulnerable,
Rather more like a child then a lady,
Unable to process,
You come across a little crazy,
But you are so sweet really,
Fraustrating at times,
But impossible to dislike.
Your husband honours your wedding vows,
He is dedicated unconditionally to you,
There to support you,
Committed like clock work,
It must be hard for him,
Having to witness,
As everyday you let a little more go,
He truly loves you so,
He visits and calls you every single day,
I only hope that I will find someone to love me that way.
My family don’t know the half of it,
Where to start,
What to do,
What to say,
I often wonder if they would miss me if I went permanently away?
Always polite,
Never wanting to offend,
Whilst I still can,
I just pretend,
Pretend that I am ok!
Year after year,
As things get worse,
And I have to endure this heartless curse,
A pattern seems to emerge,
I’m well,
Then unwell,
And well again,
But never truly the same,
Qualities get lost,
And I cannot regain,
Whilst circling around this gruelling chain,
Each fall leaves it’s mark,
Dulling my spark,
Regardless of where crisis springs from,
Rational,
Or frequently more so,
Irrational,
The consequences are real,
Not at all fun.
This rollercoaster of peaks and troughs,
Eats away at my heart,
My soul,
My brain,
And I can no longer maintain,
A fruitful life with out pain.
Are you the lady that I am to become?
Except the situation will be worse,
Because I do not have that special someone?
If so,
My future,
Be it long or short,
Is bleak,
I forget all together when I peak,
Hurtling through spells of mania,
But this fear eats away at me when I am weak.
This journey,
Alone,
Without a rock to lean upon,
Is a very sad one,
A life and future of only this,
Is a life not worth living,
That I want to run away from,
And escape!

The Vulnerable Seem To Suffer The Most

There is nothing worse then the feeling of being unheard, dismissed and passed around in an unpleasant circle of pain, despair and wasted time! I don’t want to complain, I am acknowledged in the mental health system, I do receive continuous care which I am aware is luckier then most! I am not ungrateful, I appreciate the care in which I receive but when I fall, I fall hard and unfortunately feel that either I am not helped at all or helped to late. There are numbers to call, people to speak to but rarely instantly and when in crisis, time is of the essence! I do not talk of suicide lightly but the rates are high and I believe that a lack of instant intervention is the reason why. Like myself, there are many vulnerable people out there. It is understandable when friends and family cannot understand the realms of mental health and more importantly crisis but not acceptable when the professionals paid to help, simply don’t. I have lost faith in the mental health system, so much so that I am growing tired of reaching out and baring my soul because it is emotionally exhausting and seems to get me nowhere. I could be doused in petrol and rolling around in flames and still get overlooked.
I have tried to tell the help about my symptoms that have escalated, the reason why I believe they have and absolutely nothing has been done to pacify, comfort or help me. They have nothing new to offer, nothing helpful, hopeful or of any use. I don’t expect a miracle or an easy ride. I am willing to graft, I am fighting every single day, every hour and every minute anyway! I seek help but remain disappointed.
Depression is horrific and intense, having an overwhelming feeling of self loathing and insignificance, when smiles are fake, tears are heavy and your energy is drained.
Anxiety has you physically shaking, gasping for air and an overwhelming feeling of suffocation, which instigates panic.
Borderline, Personality Disorder has you dragged up and down an unstoppable and unstable scale of uncertainty and instability. There are moments of mania and moments of horrendous lows. There are moments of numbness and moments of piercing pain. I, having no control over how I feel and why I feel it, endure a spiral of rational,irrational, emotional and unemotional outbursts. I have an inability to regulate emotions, but I try my hardest to monitor and therefor recognise symptoms before the storm, or at least throughout. I continuously end up in a constant battle with myself!. I do everything I can to stay well. I Take my medication. I engage with appointed help. I document my triggers in order to find patterns that may be telling in the future. I continuously try to distract myself from over analysing or from unwanted psychosis but the reality is, I am vulnerable. I am emotionally unstable and a normal day to others is no longer a normal day for me. My days mostly consist of emotional turmoil. A bump in the road to others may be catastrophic to me. Having a simple idea may escalate to intense euphoria and unrealistic idealisation. An awful lot of emotions run through my veins and I surf from rational to irrational in an erratic synchronisation with a pendulum. I tiptoe on the thin line of sanity and insanity. I loath my forever changing reflection and look upon professionals for protection whilst I endure an infinity of pain.
I think back fondly of the days when I was able to get by and cry with regret that those days are over. Until you have endured the excruciating and life shattering whirlwind of psychosis, you will never fully understand it. You can read about it, listen to the testimonies of those that have suffered but still have no idea of the strength, pain and power of the combination of my woes unless you to, endure it! I would wish it upon no one.
I apologise to all that I confuse and hurt by my honest declarations’ but do so to make other sufferers feel some comfort in knowing that they are not alone, and to give the professionals some substance to work with. Although I have given this website to around forty plus professionals and I would be surprised if even 2% have bothered to log in!
You can try to convince me that the voices are not real, tell me to tell them to #### off but that would only result in me looking more insane and add fuel to the fire. It seems acceptable to hurt ones self and redeemed safe if I am not a physical threat or violent towards others. This notion is bizarre to me and adds to the fuel of me feeling insignificant.
You don’t need to fear me but I fear myself. I am scared at how easily I am effected and disrupted by the behaviour of others. I am scared that when irrational I may one day succeed in taking my own life and leave my loved ones perhaps ahead of time, especially my sister. I am scared that I will never be free of this pain, suffering and these vile symptoms. I am scared that I will never achieve anything again. I am scared that I will never be understood and loved romantically by a man when I have such unpredictable baggage. I am scared that I will never become a mother. I am scared that I may succeed in suicide, because it seems like the only true route to escape this burden. A lifetime of this!? I am scared that I do not have the strength to endure it. I am scared that my purpose is to die in honour of others that need saving. I long for peace, calm and silence. I wish to be helped. Why do the vulnerable ones always seem to suffer the most!?
I am reckless at times, because I want to feel alive, forget all of this pain, be careless and free, to enjoy some time without negativity, to trick my mind into believing that I am happy. I think this is why alot of borderlines have drug and alcohol addictions. For the most part, creativity is my vice but I would probably try anything right now, just to feel warm and nice! Not rotten, cold inside and full of dread, with an enormous rodent running wild and spreading poison in my head.
Perhaps delusional but I have a feeling that one day my words will be discovered, used for good purpose, be quoted and recognised but I will be here no longer. What will be will be. People have said that they find comfort in my honesty, beauty and sadness in my poetry and often learn from my blogs. This illness will live on way beyond my existence, regardless to when I die. I can only hope it will be received and dealt with more sensitively in years to come. I think of the young ones who are suffering, hormones on top of all the rest. I write to help and educate everyone but always have the youngers at the forefront of my mind. Please help me raise awareness by sharing any of my work with people that you feel may benefit from reading what is essentially an enormous autobiographical dissertation on the realms of living with severe mental health problems and the trials and tribulations of survival, with creative and poetic undertones’, documented from 2013 for the unforeseeable future. A literacy version of reality TV, for those that prefer to read. This site and all within it comes from the truth and nothing but the truth of, No One!

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