A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #trust #memory #therapy (page 1 of 2)

Group Therapy

It was unfortunately as bad,
If not worse then I expected,
I didn’t feel safe or accepted.
Put in a room with a bunch of rejects,
Unable to maintain their secrets.
I didn’t want to share,
I didn’t want to know,
From the moment that I got there,
I wanted to go.
The Stephen Merchant lookalike running the class,
He seemed insincere,
Clueless,
And invasive,
I didn’t warm to him,
Or anyone else.
I said no male therapist.
I said no groups.
Yet that is what I was given.
Perhaps if they had listened,
Today’s problems may not have risen.
The clammy hands,
The heart palpitations,
The tremors,
The panic,
The discomfort.
Mum seems cross,
Because I have writ it off,
But head down,
My tail between my legs,
I will go back again,
And again,
And again,
But I know that group therapy is not for me.
There is no compatibility.
My shoulders are heavy already,
My bones ache,
And my heart is broken.
I have so far to go,
I want self recovery,
I want help,
Not a lesson on others misery and history.
I appreciate that it is good to relate,
But their worries on top,
Make it very hard to concentrate.
I wont.
I can’t open up with others in the room.
I’m not there yet,
For that part of my journey,
It feels way to soon.

Lies disguised in lullaby’s…

It’s not as easy as I had hoped it would be,
As it potentially could be,
But I don’t blame you,
Of cause I blame myself,
That’s just what I do,
But I don’t mean to put pressure on you.
I blame the fairy tales,
The “Little” white lies,
That help you fantasise through innocent eyes.
The dreams that your peers encourage,
The lies.
They know that fairy-god mother’s, giant peaches, enchanted wardrobes and kissing frogs,
Are all incorrect and officially unobtainable.
They pump you up full of air,
Pretending to care,
Like fattening and grooming an animal before slaughter,
Showing love,
Sharing warmth and affection before chopping off their heads,
Only to watch us pop,
Deflate and drop.
Our eyes then open to the black and grim grey of reality,
Where nothing is certain but fatality.
There is no magic.
All is bleak.
The streets are not paved with the gold that you seek,
But drenched in blood from the past, present and future.
Divorce and prenups are our ever after.
There is no happy,
It’s a complete disaster,
Would it be easier should we have always been told the truth?
Do they hold it back at our expense?
Or to encourage some hope before all is lost?
Lies disguised in lullaby’s,
Until we grow old and realise,
The truth.

I feel so helpless… Wish me luck on this one!

Sometimes I really just don’t know what to do! I know that what comes up must come down but does it have to spiral so fast? Do I have to hit the ground so hard? I just don’t know what to do, and so I am trying to distract myself and heal by writing to you.
I have been having hallucinations on and off since Christmas. I keep seeing stuff out the corner of my eye. It’s almost like shadows, but shadows have to be cast by something right?
I just had a lovely weekend in the company of my new someone. I have been exercising. Sleeping well. Eating well. Doing everything tat normal and healthy people do.
Tonight I am alone for the first time in three day’s. I like my own company. The heating is on. I went to the gym today. I have had a bath and eaten my dinner but something dark has still surfaced.
I don’t want to burden my loved ones and those close to me by disclosing how I feel. I don’t want to worry people unnecessarily. If I try to articulate what is going on… I already know that, they wont get it. How can they? Even I don’t, and I am the one experiencing it.
It’s as if I am just not entitle to full blown, uncomplicated happiness. Thoughts and demons always get in the way. In good company, they are silenced but I am learning not to be fooled. All the badness just stores up and hits me in one go. I am paranoid about how I have come across, what silly things that I may have done and when darkness prevails, I feel like I am just a plague to everyone, that everyone would be so much happier without me in my life, and that deep down they realise this, which is why everyone always leaves. The suicidal feelings are then unavoidable. I look at the pills that I have in my kitchen and so far, little glimpses save me. I think about my mum, my step dad and my sister, I think about my new someone and a prospective future and whilst those images hold me back from darkness, the demons latch onto them by repeatedly saying that such people merely tolerate me, that they think they are fond of me, even love me, but if I leave, they will realise that being free of me will truly make them happy. How can I confess that to a loved one. They will try to persuade me otherwise, get offended that I am thinking so selfishly, so little of them, but it isn’t me. Yes these dark thoughts are mine, but they come from a place that I do not recognise.
So I have a bath, listen to music, watch TV. At the moment they are not strong enough distractions for me.
I self harm, try to take some control back. It starts to make me feel, feel something other then these nauseating thoughts and messages that I am in receipt of.
I cry.
I try to ease the three panic attacks that I have had over the past four hours by trying to regulate my breathing.
I plan to go and seek help tomorrow. Perhaps the professionals can shed some light. Perhaps their aid will rectify all the wrongs that are so dominant tonight. Perhaps this isn’t a relapse and a rather harsh reminder that I am still very much unwell.
Sometimes when in good company, I forget that I take all those bloody pills for a reason that if I am overcome with exhaustion, I must rest. I am entitle to, “A normal life” with, “normal” shenanigans, such as romance and socialising but I cannot block out the fact that I do suffer from various mental health problems. Such problems should not determine who I am and who I want t be, but they are indeed a very huge part of me, of who I am and who I am going to be.
The way that I feel is similar to the feel of being bullied. I can’t do right for doing wrong. Like tooth decay, I am rotting from the inside. It is painful and impossible to fight alone. There lies the catch, how can people help me if I don’t articulate what is going wrong? It is easier to tell a professional, they are impartial, they do not have sentimental ties towards me. They are familiar with what I am going through. They don’t always get it right but it’s worth a try as I know that I can’t fight this alone. I do not want to relapse. I do not want to put both my body and loved ones into trauma. I do not want to go back into hospital. I just want a peaceful and quiet time, to not feel invaded and helpless. Wish me luck on this one.
xx
Noone

Disconnected

So very clearly disconnected,
I have forgotten the feeling of being whole,
Having control.
Eye’s wide open,
And a restless mind,
Yet motionless and still,
Paralysis has set.
I cannot move,
Yet I desire comfort,
To feel rested and self assured.
Completely separate,
Friction sparks,
Against one another,
Sending mixed signals.
Complete overdrive,
Yet running on empty.
Unsure of both,
Unable to do one.
My body remains static,
As my head jumps and skips from thought to thought.
And so this turmoil,
As it seems,
Is now my life.

Together Somehow

I am aware that I can get carried away,
I see the light in you.
Our individual circumstances are far from perfect,
But I see your imperfections in a positive light,
You could still be perfect for me.
Helping each other would therefore help ourselves.
Being together without any substance but water,
Could have been catastrophic.
Together somehow,
We came together.
I don’t know whether we want, need or have the strength to commit.
But I know that something is there and we got to ride it.
Together in a bubble of music,
A bubble of conversation,
And restrained penetration,
We fit.
And so lets hold on,
Enjoy the rush of the fast train,
And see where we end up.
No lies,
No fabrication,
Just truth and honesty,
Will lead us to our destiny.
Whether we still fit or go out separate ways,
Life with you now,
In the midst of ill health,
With you around,
I see better days to come.

Relationships with an adult with BPD/EUPD

Relationships with someone with BPD/EUPD (Borderline Personality Disorder/ Emotionally unstable Personality Disorder)

This one is important and very specific to my life right now. As I research it, I would like you to accompany me.
I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, given out love and acceptance quite easily but often found that it has not been reciprocated.
I love people, loving people and making friends. Having to move back to Birmingham has been tough as your friends in London, especially when you haven’t been raised there and move there as an adult, friends in London become as good as family. I miss them all everyday (you know who you are, or at least you should do!).
People have always come and gone in my life, especially when I was on the acting circuit, you form fantastically strong bonds with these wonderfully new people and then when the job finishes… POOF! They all disappear back to their original loved ones, as do you, with your buddies.
I am not naturally the argumentative type but I do realise that I can be quite challenging, especially when intoxicated (I’ve not grown out of that one)! I know that I can be quite intense, I have always struggled in romantic relationships, picking the wrong guys, saying and doing the wrong thing and getting myself into trouble.
Apart from the acting bubble stuff that I mentioned previous and relationships with friends from school, college and drama school that petered out. As an adult, I have never fallen out with as many people as I have this past year!
Some friendships don’t last forever, that is standard, they just fizzle out, and with the stability of your really good friends/family. Friendships that pass don’t have any lasting, emotional repercussions.
Without naming names, an old school friend just wiped me from her life and a few ladies that I recently befriended have now terminated our friendships and called me, “Selfish”, accused me of, “playing the victim” and felt the need to remind me that I am indeed, “BLACK, you know!”
I must stress that this blog is not about revenge or accusations but to enable me to draw from experience and move forward. At the same time, I would like to home in on the fact that it is 2015 and such comments about the colour of my skin are not acceptable! I live in England, I was born here and I am English. Saying that, I do embrace my culture, which is Caribbean descent. I know about black history and my family history but being second generation English I pride myself in being a modern day black woman. I am more then aware that I am black but not aware that because of this, I should act, think or talk in a certain way!? It is ignorant to assume that I am not aware of the colour of my skin and barbaric that someone of similar heritage should feel the need to remind me so. This topic is not worth discussing further.
If I was selfish, I would not care about what they have said or be bothered at their choice to cease our friendships. Instead of playing /being the victim (which I don’t believe that I do, I share a lot because I find it therapeutic and nurturing, the purpose of my blog has never been and never will be designed to gain sympathy from my readers) I have decided to put the shoe on my other foot and explore what being friends and/or having a relationship with someone with BPD/EUPD is like, In order to understand how people perceive me.
I have a mental illness, well several actually, but it’s not all of me. I try to embrace it and I am trying to live and deal with it. I accept it and the people in my life need to be aware and accept it also. I am no angel, and I don’t claim to be. This is not about excuses and/or trying to hide behind my diagnosis. It’s about learning, because sometimes things just aren’t that simple.
Communicating with someone with BPD/EUPD
“Communication is a key part of any relationship but communicating with a borderline person can be especially challenging. People in a close relationship with a borderline adult often liken talking to the borderline adult to arguing with a small child. People with BPD/EUPD have trouble reading body language or a conversation. The borderline adult may say things that are cruel, unfair or irrational. The fear of abandonment can cause the borderline adult to overreact to anything perceived so, no matter how small and their aggression can result in impulsive fits of rage, verbal abuse or even violence.” HELPGUIDE.ORG
This makes sense to me, I am emotionally unstable and I do fear abandonment and rejection but I am more of a danger to myself then anyone else.
“The problem for people with BPD/EUPD is that the disorder distorts both the messages that they hear and those that they try to express. BPD/EUPD expert and author Randi Kreger likens it to, ‘having aural dyslexia, in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways and devoid of context.’” HELPGUIDE.ORG
Well I am the regular kind of dyslexic anyway and often seem to get the wrong end of the stick and so this also makes sense to me.
If you don’t acknowledge that the person with BPD/EUPD has behavioural symptoms rather than physical symptoms that are obvious and you can physically see. If you don’t accept that people with BPD/EUPD do not choose to have the illness, do not enjoy it and cannot control it and/or recognise it in times of crisis, then of cause we will wind you up and tire you out. They are sparse, but in moments of clarity, I do have the ability to reflect. I usually beat myself up but have learnt from writing and researching that it isn’t always my fault. The brain is an organ like many others in our bodies and it can have a defect like all of the others. The brain is not magically exempt from ailments, it can fracture, it can break and support can help you heal. Not malicious comments or inaccurate accusations but patience and a little understanding.
If you have a relationship with me for example, I do interpret things differently from most. I may well take offence when none was intended. I may seem angry, moody, unreasonable, erratic, and it may seem unprovoked but things that you do or say, the environment and my temperament can trigger irrational emotions in me. I can switch from happy to sad in a nanosecond and constantly feel that people are out to get me, judging me, winding me up and in an act of desperation, wanting to be loved desperately, I lose the plot! I make accusations and do and say things that I don’t mean. I feel unconfident, unworthy, and almost dirty (my psychosis symptoms and hallucinations add to my paranoia). Trying to fight for acceptance, I am lead to believe that I come across full on and therefore push people away, which is exactly the opposite to what I intend to do!

BPD/EUPD relationships are often tricky because traits of the illness are low emotional intelligence, impulsive aggression, rejection sensitivity and childlike characteristics. None of which are deliberate or personal towards you the friend/partner. Please bare this in mind when in an altercation with someone with BPD/EUPD, and if you are having the altercation with me, please know that I am working on myself and in constant pursuit of being a better person. I never intend to hurt or offend anyone and only hope to be treated the same in return.
The internet is full of facts about BPD/EUPD, some of it applies to me and some of it doesn’t, but the fine line is… no one is perfect! If you don’t care enough to pursue a relationship with someone, then perhaps don’t lash out and accuse them of this and that, don’t just abandon them, be tactful and bear in mind that people can be delicate, take some responsibility and be amicable. It takes two to tango.

I know that I am difficult, but it is not what I intend to be!

I know that I am difficult, but it is not what I intend to be! You think it’s bad for you? It is even worse for me. I don’t understand it but will try to explain it…
My emotions are far to random to put on a timescale, my mood changes are frequent yet inconsistent. There doesn’t have to be a trigger, or perhaps what triggers me off at one moment, will not effect me another.
I am indeed sensitive, that plus the paranoia and psychosis, makes the simplest encounters and/or communication with others rather difficult for me. The wrong look can set me off, let alone physical contact or conversation.
Some day’s seem so much harder for me to get through then others. A good day or two usually results in a bad day or two, as if I am being punished for doing well. My whole body aches. My thoughts become overwhelming, I long for silence and rest but something bad inside of me fights and talks of knives, self harm and suicide.
I try to analyse, understand, pick apart how I am feeling, what I am feeling, why I am feeling, also what I am not feeling and why at times I am so vacant and numb.
I know that my mental health condition was noticed and flagged by professionals when I was only sixteen years of age, but I was not told or officially diagnosed until I was twenty-nine years of age. Research has lead me to believe that they witheld that information as an attempt to protect me, giving me a chance to ride it out alone, hoping that it may pass with adolescents but they were wrong to do so. You wouldn’t witheld physical information about a patient, for example, not tell someone that they have a broken leg and without offering care or medication, send them on their way. It sounds ludicrous! Why would medical professionals ever knowingly send an ill patient away without care and treatment? Research suggests that should you still have a personality disorder after your twenties, it becomes harder to heal and move on, harder to learn from and shake off the symptoms, harder to pursue a career and find ones place in society.
Some research suggests, “The course of Borderline Personality Disorder is quite variable. Borderline personality disorder is likely to remit(50% by 2yrs, and 85% by 10yrs) and once it remits, it usually does not relapse. Unfortunately after 10yrs, only about 20% have stable relationships and employment).” I have had it fifteen years. Where does that leave me?
So what the hell is this illness that I have got! This illness that along with depression and anxiety, leads to psychosis and has catapulted me to four different mental health hospitals in the past three years, lead me to self harm, take overdoses, to resent myself and my life, to loose rationalism and priorities, forget loved ones and crave darkness, silence, solitude and death?
Research offers the following diagnostic criteria, “Emotionally unstable (Borderline) personality disorder is characterised by definite tendancy to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable capricious (sudden and unaccountable behaviour). There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and an incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendancy to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted (prevented) or censored. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterised predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the Borderline type, characterised in addition by disturbances in self image, aims and internal preferences, by chronic feeling of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendancy to self destructive behavior, including suicide gestures and attempts.”
Well that is me to in a nut shell! I am undertaking therapy, support, medication and regularly engage with my community nurse. I have just come out of a terrible spell of self harming, although this time I am aware of the cause, loosing two family members, one of which that I loved unconditionally, was an awful lot to handle. I feel the creeps of something beginning as I type, something has been emerging since yesterday, this is why I am writing this blog, to try and channel some rationalism but more fool me to be honest. I cannot distract myself all day, everyday but perhaps at least, this will give you an insight to my peculiar behaviour and marginally explain what is going on with me.
I share to inform those who care, educate those who are intrigued, give knowledge and comfort to those who relate and to filter out those who are small minded, vain, ignorant and shallow. This site lays my cards on the table, should anyone fear, not understand, refuse to acknowledge, be put off by my honesty and conditions, leave before I get to know you and become attached. May honest blogs like this filter the bad from the good, sincere to insincere, I invite you to reject me at the first hurdle as it will hurt less then the last.

A quote from the wonderful Charles Dickens…

Great expectations, Miss Havisham, “It is wise not to plan the years ahead to completely, everything that was certain can change in a heartbeat!”

It just got me thinking. I used to be so sure, so confident, I believed that I knew myself, my worth and believed that my dreams and desires would come true. I thought that I knew my friends, who loved me and whom I loved in return. I had such great expectations. Where things went wrong, I do not know. I struggle with the memories of my past, the uncertainty of the present and daunting prospects of the future. I no longer have great expectations. Depression amongst other mental health problems has suffocated me and left but only a shadow of what I once knew, devowerd every expectation that I once had. Everything that was certain has changed. I am certain of nothing and nothing I have become. Once strong, now weak. I daren’t dream because they never come true.

Tonight you may sleep with the stars as tomorrow you will embark upon a new adventure xxx

A baby is born,
Thus begins the circle of life,
We celebrate.
Like fireworks we struggle and stumble,
Fall and get up again,
Make our journey through life.
We die,
We commiserate,
The never ending circle of life.

As I stare at the moon and and the stars,
Feel the breeze gently brush against my skin,
I try to connect and be with you somehow,
Feel you somehow.
Like lit lanterns floating up into the sky,
My memories escape me with each exhale that I take.
Connected,
I share them with you tonight because I need to be sure that you both knew and know how much I loved you.
Tomorrow we lie your body to rest,
Set you free to roam the galaxy and far beyond,
Whether it be heaven, the white place reincarnation or some other place unimaginable,
Don’t hang around to long for us.
We set you free.
Be free.
And one day, we shall meet again.
Until then,
with all of the love that we have in our hearts for you.
Please take comfort and pride yourself in knowing,
Our love for you will never die nor shall you ever be forgotten.
Rip, my Grandad John XXX

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