A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #support (page 1 of 2)

Black Girls Don’t Cry… Returns

As a self appointed mental health advocate, I have been fortunate enough to be approached by the BBC a few times throughout my crazy journey of ill mental health and my latest opportunity was being able to share parts of my story via the BBC Radio4 and Made In Manchester documentary, “Black Girls Don’t Cry”. Due to resounding success, it is available once more. It airs January 3rd at 8pm BBC Radio4 but is also currently available on iPlayer. Simply Google, “Black Girls Don’t Cry” or https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0b9zfws and you shall be able to hear two other brave black ladies as well as myself, share our stories of ill mental health. Catch it while you can. It really gives great food for thought.

No One needs Your help!?…

I want to reach more people. I want to help more people. I want to make the topic of mental health more socially acceptable. I want to reach those in need. I want people to feel less alone and alien. I want people to accept their ailments. I will share my story and experiences of ill mental health time and time again, because I believe doing so sets an inclusive atmosphere for us all to share. I am no one, no one special, no one in particular, just a being like you, that is happy to share, providing my truth helps others contend with their own woes.
I will always write, but I am trying a new avenue of exposure. Visable documentary! Yet I need your help to do it properly. Please check out my Christmas 2017 pilot, both in trailer and/or full, via noone adiaryfromnoone on my YouTube Channel and please subscribe as well as share.

#shoutouts for those with #insomnia #Depression #anxietyproblems #worries #troubles #bpd #personalitydisorders #schizophrenia #ptsd #pnd any and every ill mental health #MentalHealthMatters & knowledge should be shared not silenced, please help me reach out to make more https://youtu.be/4mC_l48Ixkc via https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone/dashboard asap

justgiving/jadelaurie-hart

Hit The Target with two days to spare!

A FESTIVAL FROM NO ONE RETURNS! May it be just as successful if not more so then last years…

I would like to publically thank all that have supported me so far this year, those of you that visited me in hospital, those that have stayed in contact with me throughout my mental health struggles, in person, via social media, phone calls, emails and texts, those of you that celebrated my birthday with me whilst I was released from hospital for a few hours and those of you who have shared, posted and donated towards my crowdfunding. I am now out of hospital. I am continuing my journey of recovery and my main priority right now is organising my festival, “A FESTIVAL FROM NO ONE RETURNS”! I am very proud to announce that I have hit my target of £1100!!! This would not have been possible without your help. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you and promise to organise the most inspiring, motivational, informative, creative and insightful day on July 22nd that I can and that the contributions donated to charity will be put to good use within the mental health system. This is a joint venture and I thank all that have helped once more. You are all saints! As always, this year has had so much sadness and disaster but so much so on our doorsteps of late. I am so sorry for the people that have lost loved ones in Manchester and London this year. I admire the vast amount of good people in my social media network who have come together and helped those in need. It proves that there is still goodness and that there are still kind hearted people in this world, and we must hold onto that in solidarity.
I focus on mental health because it is close to my heart and such a big part of my own life, my empathy for others whom struggle gives me strength to fight for the cause of mental health awareness. I have always cared about others more then myself. It is hard work but a great pleasure to try and create something positive for the greater good of others! This world without selfless acts and genuine good will is one that I do not want to be a part of, one person can idealise, a unity of people can actually make things happen. Together we are! Join me, and we shall! xxx

13 Reasons Why…

After watching The Netflix Original, “13 Reasons Why” I decided to think about my own 13 reasons, as I often feel suicidal.The show is complex and realistic, it tells the story of a teenage girl who struggles to fit in and find herself, make positive and strong relationships with friends or lovers. She is both exposed to and experiences horrific trauma, she is bullied and misunderstood. She struggles with communicating her problems and slowly gives up after far to many unpleasant turn of events. I think that the message is, don’t give up, there is always help and a positive way out but in my personal situation, even with help intense medical treatment, currently fighting everyday from hospital, if not, then from home! The struggle remains, regardless of age or location. Here are my 13 reasons, +4… 1)Isolation (no one unprofessional person I can be 100% honest with 24/7) 2) rejection (biological father, modeling agency as child, step father, boyfriends, employees, friends and family) 3) abandonment (father, step father, boyfriends) 4) unsuccessful (dreams/career/unacomplished for my age) 5) unlucky (in general, in love, in health) 6) undesirable (baggage) 7) alopecia (embarrassing and confusing to lovers) 8) self harm (scars) 9) weight (plus size without intense maintenance that I sometimes cannot keep up with ill health) 10) mental health (mood swings, odd behaviour is demanding and requires intense patience) 11) impulsive (unpredictable and unsafe = dependant on help of any kind) 12) temperamental (good times and bad times cannot be forcast) 13) victimised (bullied) 14) Trauma (sexually assulted) 15) Pain (I feel sick to my stomach with the hatred I feel towards myself and cannot control, manage or contend with being me) 16) Voices (the theory) 17)Dissociation (the unknown, random, unexplained danger that I find myself in)
Reasons to live, 1) ideally a parent should never have to bury their own child. 2) I do not want to mess up my little sisters life! 3) I want to help other people with their mental health struggles and that….. that is currently it. I am honestly so tired of fighting this forever proving, endless and tiresome game. I know that this confession is a shame and may seem attention seeking or defeatist but it is my truth. I currently see no light, no rainbow, no gold, no silver lining. I have sort for help but after two months and counting, I am by No means cured. I think that I need to learn to live with this but the thought of this forever is not appealing in the slightest.

Social Friends In Cyber Media…. Cysober…

For the blaggers,
The bull-shitters,
The false friends,
And fake lovers!
All of my Cysober sister’s and brother’s.
The people that, “like” without opening your post.
The people that comment without reading your post.
The selfies,
The tagging,
The Internet bragging,
Attention seeking,
Sob stories,
The bitchy comments,
Exclusion,
The hott list,
The not list,
The group chats,
The blanking,
The rants,
The pestering (guilty as charged),
The sharing,
The over sharing,
The overbearing,
Ignoring,
Blocking,
The friend requests,
The stranger requests,
The stalking,
Not messaging back,
The friend count,
The like count,
The video watched count.
The chain messages,
Advertising,
Chastising,
Grooming,
Bullying,
Pranking,
Punking.
The people from your past,
The insincere,
The numbers mean nothing,
The live video’streaming, mantras and selfies a facade!
In this instance my intentions are genuine,
I am here,
I am asking for your help!?…
The majority of you will not read this,
The rest won’t know what I am talking about,
Because this isn’t about fashion or reality TV,
Perhaps it should be…
Reality TV,
But this is an opportunity to make positive change for charity!
JustGiving/JadeLaurie-Hart
Please donate/share/help me,
Help others!?
www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk

Listen to Cyscober by noone adiaryfromnoone #np on #SoundCloud

Hot Coals…

Prematurely,
Petrified,
Terrified,
I walked across hot coals,
Bare foot,
Vulnerable,
Exposed,
Scolding,
I did it for you!
Would you have done it for me too!?
Current evidence seems to prove not.
Because I am out of sight,
It seems that you have forgot,
It is the only reason that I can think of,
To justify just how rotten,
Your lack ofor support has been.
One should always consider complications,
Things aren’t always as they seem,
But in this case,
Whilst I suffer,
You seem to have wiped your hands clean!

J

When you sobbed,
I cried for you,
Not realising that I was crying for me to!
Only sixty,
Not old at all,
In our day and age,
But your brain is at such an older stage,
You barely engage,
You get so forgetful,
You are so vulnerable,
Rather more like a child then a lady,
Unable to process,
You come across a little crazy,
But you are so sweet really,
Fraustrating at times,
But impossible to dislike.
Your husband honours your wedding vows,
He is dedicated unconditionally to you,
There to support you,
Committed like clock work,
It must be hard for him,
Having to witness,
As everyday you let a little more go,
He truly loves you so,
He visits and calls you every single day,
I only hope that I will find someone to love me that way.
My family don’t know the half of it,
Where to start,
What to do,
What to say,
I often wonder if they would miss me if I went permanently away?
Always polite,
Never wanting to offend,
Whilst I still can,
I just pretend,
Pretend that I am ok!
Year after year,
As things get worse,
And I have to endure this heartless curse,
A pattern seems to emerge,
I’m well,
Then unwell,
And well again,
But never truly the same,
Qualities get lost,
And I cannot regain,
Whilst circling around this gruelling chain,
Each fall leaves it’s mark,
Dulling my spark,
Regardless of where crisis springs from,
Rational,
Or frequently more so,
Irrational,
The consequences are real,
Not at all fun.
This rollercoaster of peaks and troughs,
Eats away at my heart,
My soul,
My brain,
And I can no longer maintain,
A fruitful life with out pain.
Are you the lady that I am to become?
Except the situation will be worse,
Because I do not have that special someone?
If so,
My future,
Be it long or short,
Is bleak,
I forget all together when I peak,
Hurtling through spells of mania,
But this fear eats away at me when I am weak.
This journey,
Alone,
Without a rock to lean upon,
Is a very sad one,
A life and future of only this,
Is a life not worth living,
That I want to run away from,
And escape!

A Festival From No One, the first!

A Festival From No One

I had a dream. A rather huge one. I wanted to physically make a difference, reach out to people and raise awareness. I wanted to do something other then blogging, poetry and social media. I wanted to send my message face to face, do something more personal. I collaborated with many talented people and managed to organise and create a mini festival, to raise awareness for mental health. There was a wonderful turn out and such a huge presence of love and support. People left refreshed and inspired. People came together because of my event. We embraced and acknowledged that mental health can happen to anyone, we all have mentality, we all have the capability of forming ill mental health just as we all have the capability of having good mental health. It isn’t a black and white issue. Mental health is complex and hinders one in four of the entire population. I have had poor mental health for exactly half of my life thus far, possibly even more. I know of people that have fallen sick without warning and recovered just the same. I know of people who have lost the battle and died. I know of people in full recovery. I know of many people like myself who just take it a day at a time.
I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, mental health nurse or mental health professional but I believe that information from the horses mouth, someone who has experienced a diverse range of mental health symptoms, been in various mental health institutions for substantial periods of time, made friends with people with mental health, witnessed many different types of mental health, has given me a great deal of knowledge and empathy. I don’t know all of the answers but I do know the common denominators. People with mental health feel judged and misunderstood and therefor feel irrelevant and inadequate. People feel ashamed and tired of going in circles of explaining and feeling judged and misunderstood. When it feels like the entire world is on your shoulders, a hand off a friend, ear off a family member, the option of offloading without being judged can make a huge difference. The stigma against mental health can make it very hard for people to acknowledge it in themselves, to deal with by themselves, to recognise in themselves or acknowledge in others. All of my raising awareness work, the stuff that I put out there, is to help others realise that they are not alone. I speak the truth and share my pain because people can identify with my woe’s and experiences. Everything on this site or my Facebook page and soon to be running YouTube channel (@adiaryfromnoone) is non-fiction. I speak my truth, from an abstract manor to blunt and honest, and everything in-between. It very much depends on how I am feeling when I write, all of my poems just come to me, they are not preconceived, they are sparked by a variety of triggers (although I can’t tell you what) and if I don’t get them down there and then, they vanish. I retell my experiences. I share to educate the people who know nothing about mental health, the people who want to know and understand everything about mental health, the people who cannot understand and/or therefor help their friends, family, loved ones or colleagues because of a lack of communication and accurate information. I share to give people someone real to identify with. I write about mistreatment. I write about good treatment. I am honest about what it feels like to be suicidal, to self harm, to feel unloved and unheard with no strength to carry on. I write about the scary and dangerous hallucinations and psychosis. I am an open book. Ignorant people will interpret my work as, “airing dirty laundry” or “to much information” because my blogs and poems may come across a little to honest and detailed, but such is the truth of mental heath, we cannot wrap it up in cotton wool, it is serious, it takes lives and needs to be recognised.
I want everyone to acknowledge and understand mental health. To reach out to people all over the world that do not live in places where mental health is acknowledged and are forced to conceal their ill health. I want to encourage training in all business’s, especially across the NHS. I want teachers to educate the children, our future, on mental health. I want to encourage people to engage in the positives of mental health for well being, good diet, exercise and breathing etc.
I don’t have the same platform as some of the huge mental health charities that already exist and do great things, like Mind, Sane Head’s Together etc. I don’t feel like there is a charity out there that is as personal as what I envisage, want to create and oversee. I am No One, no one in particular, reaching out to everyone, excluding no one. I want people to be known and communicate under their names, not medical numbers. I want to build a positive webbed community where people can exchange stories of both ill and good metal health and learn from one another. Sometimes peers are a lot easier to connect with then someone in uniform.
This is very much just a dream at the moment. I am not to well and my mood changes all through the day, all day, everyday. I am not always compos mentis but for now, I endeavour to write and ask you to share anything @adiaryfromnoone to help me raise awareness as much as you can for me.

Is this fun for you?

Ladies and gentlemen,
This isn’t a play,
I’m devastated that it has gone down this way.
How long do I have to stay?
It’s June now,
I came in,
In May!
Stop looking at me in that arrogant way.
Is this fun for you?
I don’t wanna play.
Let’s sit-down nurse,
Talk it out and converse.
Your attitude stinks
And it’s making me worse.
Let us talk about it,
Before I drop a bomb and scream and shout.
Ultimately we want the same thing,
To figure out what this is all about.
I’m all ears and willing to admit my deepest fears.
It’s time to get things sorted,
It has been years.

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