A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #suicide #selfharm #voices #hallucinations #isolation #fear #nighares #livinghell #nhs #mentalhealth #psychosis #bpd (page 1 of 2)

Not Alone

NOT ALONE
THIS BLOG WAS INSPIRED BY, “NOT ALONE”. A NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY WITH THIS FEATURED DISCRIPTION…
“An 18-year-old struggling to understand her best friend’s suicide talks to teenagers who have grappled with mental illness and suicidal thoughts.”
In my opinion, this documentary was both moving and empowering, it is honest and straight to the point, not an easy watch but the message is poignant, delicate but loud and clear, as real life people disclose their personal suffering and demons in order to help and encourage others that may experience similar difficulties.
Teenagers in America speak out about mental illness after teenage suicide rates hit the red zone. The documentary was made to break down the barrier surrounding mental health, encouraging teenagers to talk about how they are really feeling, not just by selfies, pictures, emoji’s, social media and texts but urging contact and deep connection. The brave teenagers featured, one of which whom confessed to trying to take her own life only a month before filming, now have aspirations for a full blooming future for themselves. They advise fellow teenagers to reach out, to not be afraid and to seek help and treatment.
Social media seems to have been a huge trigger for the majority of teenagers involved. There is an awful lot of pressure to obtain the most likes/followers/requests in order to feel relevant, included and important rather than ugly, irrelevant, left out or boring. The common misconception of social media is that it enables you to feel connected and part of something, where as in reality; it is just a smokescreen that portrays a filtered and edited sense of self, rather than the full story. Throw in a mix of trolls and cyber bullying and being part of such an apparent simple social network, can quite rapidly turn into a living hell, causing major psychological damage. As if peer pressure wasn’t already gruelling in the days before the internet, now it invades our homes and beyond, constantly on the go with our phones permanently attached to our hands, in this pro technology era, it never stops!
The teenagers encourage others to be pro-active and vigilant about themselves and their friends. Now that is a community spirited attitude. Yet what exactly should one be looking out for? Some symptoms may be overly obvious and alarming, but others can be very subtle and so I would personally advise touching base with your cared for and loved ones, in person, on the regular, as we have already established the smoke screen and mirrors that social media and non-verbal or physical contact can portray. To name but a few symptoms…
• Change in personality
• Withdrawal
• Mood swings
• Lack of motivation
• Lack of interest
• Fatigue
• Over eating
• Loss of appetite
• Self-neglect
• Absence
• Silence
• Dismissive
• Emotional
• Substance abuse
• Reckless behaviour
• Promiscuity
• Self-harm
• Suicidal behaviour
Potential causes for such behaviour…
• Feeling insignificant
• Feeling unimportant
• Feeling worthless
• Low self esteem
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Feeling lost
• Feeling out of place
• Falling out of touch with reality
• Falling behind
• Peer pressure
• Bullying
• Unstable home life
• Isolation
• Feeling stuck
• Hearing voices
• Hallucinations
• Self-loathing
• Insecurities
• Suffocation
All of the teenagers interviewed had struggled in various ways, but they all came to the same conclusion, suicide was there only way out, the only way to stop their troubles and finally be free. They had all tried to commit suicide and yet they all survived. Their paths to recovery were long and most of which were still receiving treatment at the time this documentary was filmed. I think they bravely shared their stories, in hope that others would not have to conquer so many demons before finding help, they were handing out life lines, and this is what they believe will help you escape the spiralling rabbit hole of depression and suicidal behaviour and help you get back onto the right track, in order to reignite dreams, and give you the strength to fight for a healthy and positive future…
• Let someone in
• Reach out for help
• Share your problems
• Accept help
• Acknowledge triggers
• Devise healthy coping strategies
• Accept that you do not have to fight alone
• Find something or someone to fight for
• Be kind to yourself
• Give yourself a chance
• Communicate
• Explore coping strategies, meditation, therapy, mindfulness, yoga, medication, hospitalisation, support networks, talking, being heard
• Take recovery at your own pace
• Breath
This documentary featured real teenagers and young adults openly discussing their mental struggles, I acknowledge that this is not an easy thing to do. I am also personally aware that being at the receiving end of suicidal thoughts and acting out on suicidal behaviour is not easy, nor selfish (a common misconception) but more like, just in that moment an inescapable attempt at finally ending loosing and obliterating a seemingly never ending battle. Having access to real life people, opening up about their real life struggles, through a media outlet as renowned as Netflix, is testament that people are really starting to wake up and acknowledge that ill mental health is a serious and legitimate disability, a life threatening illness. Perhaps the more open we are about the taboo subject of mental health and all of its many symptoms, the less fearful people will be about reaching out, the less ignorant the people around you may be.
Although this particular documentary focusses on teenagers from America, we must not forget that this is a global problem and can hit any one of us at any time in our lives. I am thirty-three years old, I identify with nearly all of the personal accounts in this documentary and have an awful long way to go before my own recovery. It has been less than twelve months since my last suicide attempt. I last self-harmed approximately seven days ago. My main professional mental health support network is slack in most areas and I have reached out countless times, only to be left with no help and in the same predicament. I do not feel like it, and I often wonder why, but I am obviously a fighter and a survivor. Psychosis, hallucinations, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, dissociation, self-harm and suicidal behaviour are constantly hanging just above my, “Borderline” head but I am still here, and like all the brave teenagers who have genuinely overcome their woes, I hope to myself someday, but for now, it is more important for me to help others. It does not matter where you come from, how old you are, your ethnicity or sexual orientation, we are all human, humans that are susceptible to ill mental health, whether it be one in four or one in three, may your battle be long or short, it is important to be educated and have empathy. It is important to remove all stigmas from the topic of mental health, to no longer be silenced and shushed but to speak out loud and proud and so people can learn. Enough of the misleading headlines and inaccurate babble from online, old book’s and outdated theories, hear it from the horse’s mouth if you really want to learn, if you really want to be part of positive change and help save lives. The knowledge gained from experiences shared is invaluable.
I am genuinely sorry for the millions of lives lost due to ill mental health, and I will continue to share both my story and others, in hope that eventually the numbers of lives saved will outweigh the numbers of lives lost.
Please check out, “No Ones Lounge” via my YouTube Channel, noone adiarfromnoone subscribe for more and if you can, please donate in order for me to keep funding the invaluable messages that will be shared in every episode. Here’s a taster trailer, https://youtu.be/CP7sBZpf7mU and the donation link, https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone
“When Life Gets Tough, Please Remember That You Are Not Alone!”
Quote from, “Not Alone” netflix

Institutionalised

This song was written within the confinement’s of institutionalisation. They have sectioned me but they may never section my creativity. I thank my wonderful, generous, caring, patient friends for their emotional and creative support. They came with the tools to temporarily fix my wings and accompany them whilst soaring the sky. What a view, what a feeling, what an honour. I thank the five of you for your magnificence xxxx
Have a listen…

Listen to INSTITUTIONALISED WITH VISITORS by noone adiaryfromnoone #np on #SoundCloud

If you believe in the power of creativity and expression, have an interest in memtal health, please look at my fundraising pledge and share/donate xx

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/jade-laurie-hart?fb_action_ids=10154847961099221&fb_action_types=og.comments&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B1257924794295228%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22og.comments%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D

This was last year’s,it was amazing and with your help, it came be again.

DEMAND CHANGE…

Scroll to the bottom if you would prefer to listen, otherwise… happy reading. Please share this one, it means an awful lot to me. Thanks for visiting, come back soon!? XX

DEMAND CHANGE!

If the last four years are anything to go by,
Excuse me as I start to cry,
Because my psychologist told me that I will have this monster of an illness for the entirety of my life!
What!?
I see her every three months or so,
Go in,
Come out,
Who knows what the fuck we talk about!?
I am just another number,
Case load,
For her to box and shelf,
To prove to the bankers’ that I have been seen and “helped”,
But she hasn’t,
Helped me, that is!
Help ignites hope,
But she blew out my candle when she condemned me to an eternity of helpless misery.
I shout my woes,
Confess my sins,
Tell them all of the out’s and in’s,
But they neither see nor hear me,
Not one of all of the professionals that supposedly support me,
They just give me more pills to sooth me,
No,
Silence me!
People in my very small social and immediate family network ask that I at least communicate with them before battling with self-destruction,
But how can I purposefully burden my friends and family?
Firstly, If I disclose all the intricate details of my intense suffering,
I fear that they may section me,
And believe me,
I have been institutionalised enough times already!
The full truth,
The whole truth,
Nothing but the truth,
Will make people not want to speak or listen to me.
And so I write,
And I write,
And I write.
I may not be as articulate and witty as the professional’s,
Lack in vocabulary somewhat,
Be short of the spark that creates recognition and popularity,
A magnitude of followers,
The camera skills to go viral,
The voice of an angel,
Musicality like Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart,
But this is my art!
Speaking from the heart,
Everything that I say is true.
It may be a matter of preaching to the converted for now,
I see you nodding your head,
Taking in every word that I have said,
Thank you,
Give me an Amen!?
The budget cuts in the mental health system,
The up rise in mental health patients,
The increase in the number of people with mental health problems on the streets,
Scrapping for food to eat,
As if they don’t already have enough problems.
The black hole between help in the community and hospital admittance,
The loss of mental health control,
Less beds,
More med’s,
The increase in suicide!
I struggle to cope every single day!
I see and hear things that other people can’t,
Lucky them!
I don’t eat,
I don’t sleep,
I don’t shower,
Brush my hair or teeth,
Or I eat too much,
Sleep too much,
OCD kicks in and you could seriously eat off my dustbin!
I cry,
I panic,
I hallucinate,
I self-harm,
I hate myself,
And contemplate suicide most days!
If you have to ask why?
You haven’t been listening!
If you find my revelations a bit intense,
Then I am truly sorry,
But this is the reality,
My reality,
My life story forever more,
As my never ending diagnosis of;
BPD,
Depression,
Anxiety,
And Psychosis has been bestowed upon me for eternity!
I long for the times when I could distinguish the difference between bad days and good.
I once had the capability to actually believe in myself.
I have always had ill mental health,
First therapy session at twelve,
On pills since sixteen,
But there was still enough space in my life to dream,
Even moments when I conquered,
But I am no longer on this planet for me,
But for the people who love me!
Even though they may not fully know or understand me,
I can forgive them for that,
I do not fully know or understand myself,
But for some reason,
Some amazing people do actually love me!
And so I am very confused by this but recognise their love,
And therefor I am extremely thankful and lucky.
I fear and feel for those that have no one,
Those that receive no love at all and feel weak because of this.
Think about how isolating it is for those that have absolutely no one to share their experiences with.
There are people that have no one to aid their struggles with physical and psychological pain.
It is my pleasure and self-administrated duty to share with and represent my fellow Borderline’s,
Depressive’s,
The Anxious,
My neighbours The Schizophrenic’s,
The Bi-Polar’s,
And all of the above,
All of you,
The list is as long as my battered and bruised arms.
It takes personal experience to understand sometimes,
But you do not need a degree to practice listening or conjure empathy.
You do not need to be mentally ill yourself to acknowledge how integral mental health is in our society.
As a result of increased and continuous budget cuts in a financially deprived yet desperate area of NHS Health,
People are dying every single day.
This is a fact that deeply saddens me to say,
But this is an increasing problem that will not just calm down and go away.
We must unite and demand change.
Demand change.
DEMAND CHANGE!
With change we can help people very much in need.
With change we can potentially cut down the suicide.
With change tomorrow may not seem as grey!

The Vulnerable Seem To Suffer The Most

There is nothing worse then the feeling of being unheard, dismissed and passed around in an unpleasant circle of pain, despair and wasted time! I don’t want to complain, I am acknowledged in the mental health system, I do receive continuous care which I am aware is luckier then most! I am not ungrateful, I appreciate the care in which I receive but when I fall, I fall hard and unfortunately feel that either I am not helped at all or helped to late. There are numbers to call, people to speak to but rarely instantly and when in crisis, time is of the essence! I do not talk of suicide lightly but the rates are high and I believe that a lack of instant intervention is the reason why. Like myself, there are many vulnerable people out there. It is understandable when friends and family cannot understand the realms of mental health and more importantly crisis but not acceptable when the professionals paid to help, simply don’t. I have lost faith in the mental health system, so much so that I am growing tired of reaching out and baring my soul because it is emotionally exhausting and seems to get me nowhere. I could be doused in petrol and rolling around in flames and still get overlooked.
I have tried to tell the help about my symptoms that have escalated, the reason why I believe they have and absolutely nothing has been done to pacify, comfort or help me. They have nothing new to offer, nothing helpful, hopeful or of any use. I don’t expect a miracle or an easy ride. I am willing to graft, I am fighting every single day, every hour and every minute anyway! I seek help but remain disappointed.
Depression is horrific and intense, having an overwhelming feeling of self loathing and insignificance, when smiles are fake, tears are heavy and your energy is drained.
Anxiety has you physically shaking, gasping for air and an overwhelming feeling of suffocation, which instigates panic.
Borderline, Personality Disorder has you dragged up and down an unstoppable and unstable scale of uncertainty and instability. There are moments of mania and moments of horrendous lows. There are moments of numbness and moments of piercing pain. I, having no control over how I feel and why I feel it, endure a spiral of rational,irrational, emotional and unemotional outbursts. I have an inability to regulate emotions, but I try my hardest to monitor and therefor recognise symptoms before the storm, or at least throughout. I continuously end up in a constant battle with myself!. I do everything I can to stay well. I Take my medication. I engage with appointed help. I document my triggers in order to find patterns that may be telling in the future. I continuously try to distract myself from over analysing or from unwanted psychosis but the reality is, I am vulnerable. I am emotionally unstable and a normal day to others is no longer a normal day for me. My days mostly consist of emotional turmoil. A bump in the road to others may be catastrophic to me. Having a simple idea may escalate to intense euphoria and unrealistic idealisation. An awful lot of emotions run through my veins and I surf from rational to irrational in an erratic synchronisation with a pendulum. I tiptoe on the thin line of sanity and insanity. I loath my forever changing reflection and look upon professionals for protection whilst I endure an infinity of pain.
I think back fondly of the days when I was able to get by and cry with regret that those days are over. Until you have endured the excruciating and life shattering whirlwind of psychosis, you will never fully understand it. You can read about it, listen to the testimonies of those that have suffered but still have no idea of the strength, pain and power of the combination of my woes unless you to, endure it! I would wish it upon no one.
I apologise to all that I confuse and hurt by my honest declarations’ but do so to make other sufferers feel some comfort in knowing that they are not alone, and to give the professionals some substance to work with. Although I have given this website to around forty plus professionals and I would be surprised if even 2% have bothered to log in!
You can try to convince me that the voices are not real, tell me to tell them to #### off but that would only result in me looking more insane and add fuel to the fire. It seems acceptable to hurt ones self and redeemed safe if I am not a physical threat or violent towards others. This notion is bizarre to me and adds to the fuel of me feeling insignificant.
You don’t need to fear me but I fear myself. I am scared at how easily I am effected and disrupted by the behaviour of others. I am scared that when irrational I may one day succeed in taking my own life and leave my loved ones perhaps ahead of time, especially my sister. I am scared that I will never be free of this pain, suffering and these vile symptoms. I am scared that I will never achieve anything again. I am scared that I will never be understood and loved romantically by a man when I have such unpredictable baggage. I am scared that I will never become a mother. I am scared that I may succeed in suicide, because it seems like the only true route to escape this burden. A lifetime of this!? I am scared that I do not have the strength to endure it. I am scared that my purpose is to die in honour of others that need saving. I long for peace, calm and silence. I wish to be helped. Why do the vulnerable ones always seem to suffer the most!?
I am reckless at times, because I want to feel alive, forget all of this pain, be careless and free, to enjoy some time without negativity, to trick my mind into believing that I am happy. I think this is why alot of borderlines have drug and alcohol addictions. For the most part, creativity is my vice but I would probably try anything right now, just to feel warm and nice! Not rotten, cold inside and full of dread, with an enormous rodent running wild and spreading poison in my head.
Perhaps delusional but I have a feeling that one day my words will be discovered, used for good purpose, be quoted and recognised but I will be here no longer. What will be will be. People have said that they find comfort in my honesty, beauty and sadness in my poetry and often learn from my blogs. This illness will live on way beyond my existence, regardless to when I die. I can only hope it will be received and dealt with more sensitively in years to come. I think of the young ones who are suffering, hormones on top of all the rest. I write to help and educate everyone but always have the youngers at the forefront of my mind. Please help me raise awareness by sharing any of my work with people that you feel may benefit from reading what is essentially an enormous autobiographical dissertation on the realms of living with severe mental health problems and the trials and tribulations of survival, with creative and poetic undertones’, documented from 2013 for the unforeseeable future. A literacy version of reality TV, for those that prefer to read. This site and all within it comes from the truth and nothing but the truth of, No One!

Group Therapy

It was unfortunately as bad,
If not worse then I expected,
I didn’t feel safe or accepted.
Put in a room with a bunch of rejects,
Unable to maintain their secrets.
I didn’t want to share,
I didn’t want to know,
From the moment that I got there,
I wanted to go.
The Stephen Merchant lookalike running the class,
He seemed insincere,
Clueless,
And invasive,
I didn’t warm to him,
Or anyone else.
I said no male therapist.
I said no groups.
Yet that is what I was given.
Perhaps if they had listened,
Today’s problems may not have risen.
The clammy hands,
The heart palpitations,
The tremors,
The panic,
The discomfort.
Mum seems cross,
Because I have writ it off,
But head down,
My tail between my legs,
I will go back again,
And again,
And again,
But I know that group therapy is not for me.
There is no compatibility.
My shoulders are heavy already,
My bones ache,
And my heart is broken.
I have so far to go,
I want self recovery,
I want help,
Not a lesson on others misery and history.
I appreciate that it is good to relate,
But their worries on top,
Make it very hard to concentrate.
I wont.
I can’t open up with others in the room.
I’m not there yet,
For that part of my journey,
It feels way to soon.

Thanks for reading…

Hi readers,
This is just a quick update. Thank you to those who read my blog last night. I must stress that it was written as a therapeutic outlet, rather then a cry for help. I apologise for upsetting, misleading and therefore worrying anyone.
I went to the local mental health hospital and confessed all that is currently not right. They took note and prescribed some anti anxiety meds to go long with my usual cocktail. This particular drug (Lorazepam) has really helped me out when I have had heightened symptoms before.
I went to the gym for 2.5 hours and have now taken my meds and so I hope that together they will start to release some sort of calmer effect. Either way, I will let you know.
All of the positive things in my life are simply wonderful but I cannot forget that I am suffering from several brutal and intense mental health problems. I cannot just turn my illness off. Yes, I have moments, sometimes days and weeks of, “normality” but I live in cycles and cycles of extreme highs and extreme lows. The pattern is irregular but it seems that if I have a good time, it is always followed by a long, hard and confusing time. I long for the days of nothingness. Hopefully either the meds or therapy will cure me of this in time, perhaps I will just be better at controlling them. I already know that supressing them does not work, stuff always finds a way of coming back, rising up even worse then before. Who knows!? Just know that I am trying and when I have the ability to think rationally, the last thing that I want to do is cause pain and suffering to anyone. Only you must understand, my rationalism is often clouded by continuous negative and controlling thoughts, voices, hallucinations and psychosis. I am battling against them everyday, I just choose not to talk about this to much as I don’t want to give them the power to control my life even more! I think it is all almost impossible for you to understand if you haven’t experienced it, but I thank you for trying. When I choose to disclose via the means of poetry, they are always cryptic, I can write what I am feeling in a creative manner, I don’t spell things out and it helps me make sense of it all. I really hope that my honesty offers many of you comfort in knowing that if you have similar problems, you are not alone.
xx Noone

Why not?

After a mismatched relationship with someone far to young, immature and from a family which nightmares are made of, the idea of starting again with someone new seemed an exhausting prospect. Being ill and in and out of mental health hospitals over the last three years, living in the unfamiliar city of where I grew up, but had never been my home as an adult. I was living a lonely, isolated and somewhat reclusive lifestyle. I never thought that I would meet someone that could potentially be a romantic flame! With it being winter and Christmas around the corner, an empty social calendar and nothing but wind and rain outside, like anyone would… I felt lonely and felt a raging envy towards anyone who was fortunate enough to have a spooning partner! Lol!
I recently met someone online, it didn’t take long to sift threw the odd bods and find my new Prince. I had corresponded with a few guys, filtering the few good from the many bad. After experiencing way to many, “Dick Pics” then I cared for, guys asking me out on a date and then deleting my profile, chatting to men with babies, drug problems, anger management problems, foot fetishes, sex addictions, online dating seemed so far removed from the realms of reality.
The men were more entertaining then anything else. It was like the cyber version of EastEnders and I had the lead female role. (Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love EastEnders!) Somehow, whilst trawling through the non compatibles, I found the guy that I now call my boyfriend (it seems so strange to say it, sometimes surreal, I have to pinch myself on a daily basis as my low self esteem makes the reality of exclusively dating a man, a real human being, an actual gentleman has only been a fantasy for quite sometime.) The idea of someone liking me, accepting me, finding me physically attractive, wanting to get to know me, spend time with me seems so surreal as I have become accustom to being used, mistreated, disrespected, rejected and abandoned by men. Yet somehow the genre of the orientation of my online dating experience changed from. “Soap” to “Fairy-tale”. It’s early days but I really have made a connection with someone, a really lovely someone. As undeserved of this as my demons, paranoia and insecurities may make me feel, I will not let this one go without trying.
It’s no secret that I am unwell, that I have both manic and depressive episodes, that I am susceptible to psychosis and hallucinations, that I have attempted suicide more times then I can count on my one hand over the last three years, that I have self harming and self destructive tendencies and a rather vicious dermatological illness but none of these things seems to phase him. (He sounds a little to good to be true right? I promise that he is real not just someone that I have conjured up from my head, as other people have seen him, yes, sane people!)He has taken me from face value and seems to accept all of me, every last bit, from good to bad. This has already helped me start to look at myself in a new light, a more positive light.
I am a romantic idealist but I am no fool. Relationships have come and gone in my past and they will most likely do in my future but I don’t want to fixate on that. I am trying out just living in the moment, the present. Whatever illness I may or you may not have, it does not have to exclude us from happiness and companionship. After all, love is the best drug known to man. It’s not the right way round but I have always been a bit upside down. If someone else can like you, maybe you should/could like yourself. If someone else can love you, maybe you should/could love yourself. If others don’t segregate you from such possibilities, don’t segregate yourself. An illness does not a whole person make. Don’t let it restrict you from such possibilities. Maybe, just maybe there is enough out there for all of us. Whether it be romantic, platonic, from family or other, if you open yourself up to it, you might just receive it.
Mental health problems can be soul destroying, have us riddled in pain and surrounded by sadness, forming positive relationships just might give us the incentive that we need to wake up another day.
So reader, please open yourself up to new things this new year, join me and you may also find some happiness. Depression cuts us off, we fear that all doors are shut and locked and we feel stuck but what if one opens? You don’t know until you try. Worst case scenario, your fears were true, which wont come as a surprise to you. Should it open though… who knows what is in store for you?
Keep sane, be true to yourself, be strong,

Love from Noone. xx

Ain’t Ever Coming Back

Upsy Daisy,
Upside Down,
Whilst Life Is Spinning Round And Round,
Once Head Strong,
Old Head On Young Shoulders,
Instead Of Progression,
Dropped Down To Regression,
A Child Again.
Old Head,
Young Mind,
How It Happened I Cannot Describe,
But I Hope To Figure It All Out With You By My Side.
I Can’t Afford Nor Manage A Compromise.
Off Track.
Ran Off The Road.
Not Like You.
I Will Strive To Get On The Right Side.
Stop Standing Still,
Or Going Backwards,
And Find The Yellow Brick Road,
That Leads To The Gold And All Things Shiny And Nice.
God Forbid I Loose My Way Again.
Go Down The Wrong Path.
This Route Twice Over,
I Could Not Hack.
If I Find The Strength,
I Ain’t Ever Coming Back.

Disconnected

So very clearly disconnected,
I have forgotten the feeling of being whole,
Having control.
Eye’s wide open,
And a restless mind,
Yet motionless and still,
Paralysis has set.
I cannot move,
Yet I desire comfort,
To feel rested and self assured.
Completely separate,
Friction sparks,
Against one another,
Sending mixed signals.
Complete overdrive,
Yet running on empty.
Unsure of both,
Unable to do one.
My body remains static,
As my head jumps and skips from thought to thought.
And so this turmoil,
As it seems,
Is now my life.

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