VORTEX…

I have a vortex of solemn energy that lingers above my soul and heart,
No vacuum of pills nor therapy can suck it away,
Love,
Hope,
Nor positivity can shrink it,
Or banish it,
Trick it,
Or lead it astray.
No one can be more frustrated about this than I,
I constantly try to shift it,
But its tangled and knotted roots,
Are so thick and deep,
They have tricked my body into thinking they belong.
I want to run,
I want to hide,
But there is no getting away from this,
It’s in me,
Part of me,
This giant tardis,
Of numbness and misery,
Why it chose me is a mystery,
But I know in my heart,
That I will never be free,
As each day it gets more firmly rooted,
Holds me back from my potential destiny,
Deviding me from my friends and family.
Alone I must suffer and endure this,
Riddled in pain,
Watching life go by,
And all the things that I will miss,
Because there is no escaping this.
This poison will stay with me for as long as I exist.
I did not ask for this.
I do not relish in it.
I did not choose to be a host.
You think I am self indulged and selfish,
Able to set myself free,
Embrace love and be happy.
Oh how you are wrong!
I did not invite or agree,
For this curse to be bestowed upon me,
To live life in constant misery,
It chose me!
You’ll never understand it unless you also have experience it,
And so the fact that you don’t,
Ignites relief within me,
I would rather your frustration,
And gradual segregation,
Then for you to have to live through the same as me,
In order to fully understand me.
As this black hole of darkness eats away at me,
I would not even wish it upon my biggest enemy,
The constant…
Chronic pain,
The tears,
The stress,
The darkness,
The paranoia,
Dissociation,
Hallucinations,
Anxiety,
Panic attacks,
Fatigue,
Is not the type of life that I would wish for me,
Or anybody,
But I caught it,
And resentfully,
I must undergo all that comes with it.
The vortex,
The black hole,
Of ill mental health,
Eats away at you,
Until one way or another,
There is nothing left of you,
And seemingly no way out!

Destined For Catastrophy

They say that in life,
When we are born,
We are all on a certain path,
But what they don’t tell you,
Is that one decision,
One simple decision,
Can change and alter that path,
In some cases for eternity,
In others,
You may get lost for a little while,
As each path leads to another,
And another,
But the lucky ones,
They finally get back on track,
And fulfil their born destiny,
The luckier ones hurtle in their born direction,
From birth until their end,
But some of us get so lost,
And bewildered in the darkness,
That we loose a sense of self,
And without knowing ones self,
How can one know their own destiny?
I feel that I fall into the later category,
I feel like I am drifting out into the endless and bottomless sea,
And before I took sail,
I had lost every part of me,
Not misplaced,
But lost forever more,
And so I go on,
And on,
And on,
Drifting,
And drifting,
Not sure of my future.
I fear that I may have forsworn my born destiny,
But somehow know that it will be a lonely and bitter end for me,
Whoever, “Me” may be!
I dream and fantasise that one day,
Someone will come along and save me,
But as time passes,
Second’s,
Minute’s,
Hour’s,
Day’s,
Week’s,
Month’s,
Year’s,
That notion seems more and more improbable,
I just cling to it for comfort.
I don’t know what I was born to be,
What life could or should have had in store for me,
But I feel in my bones what will be,
What looms above me,
And it is not pleasant,
Welcomed,
Nor warranted.
It is disaster and catastrophe!