Destined For Disaster…

Staring at the wall again,
Trying to remember when,
Everything was so good back then,
Looking back at photo’s,
Trawling through social media,
The filtered photo’s deceive ya,
Me and the Girls,
Me and the Boys,
Cocktails,
Mocktails,
Endless joys,
Youth,
Freedom,
Expression,
Creativity,
Power,
Sexy,
Sassy,
PARTY!
Those years were golden,
I now understand the phrase,
But gradually everyone has grown,
Moved on,
Progressed to the next phase,
Transitioned in only the best ways,
Detached from the old days,
And the only one left in pain,
Sad and angry,
Is me!
Stuck in a rut,
The door hammered shut,
I am so far removed from them,
They don’t bat an eyelid,
But even if they did,
They don’t see,
They don’t recognise me,
I am the lone soldier,
That basks in the memories,
That they did leave.
How is it fair,
That those who have done me wrong,
Have moved forward,
Happy and strong?
I was insignificant then,
And I am insignificant now.
Staring at the wall again,
Straining to remember when,
There were no voices.
What shall I do?
Take some pills and end it?
Make myself bleed to control it?
Talk to someone?
I cannot.
If things don’t mend and positively change,
I just don’t think I can go on.
Anchored by trauma,
Separating me from old dreams,
Repelling dreams a new,
I loose my desire to push for a break through,
I cannot foresee anything,
I feel so weak,
Not strong,
Perhaps I was destined for despair all along!?

Too late…

You should have been there,
You should have noticed,
You should have helped me,
You should have saved me!
You could have asked,
You could have told me,
You could have had my help,
You could have been saved!
I tried!
I Tried!
No you turned your back on me,
No you looked the other way,
No you didn’t listen,
No you didn’t help!
You put up a brick wall,
You looked fine,
You shut me out,
You didn’t ask!
I Tried!
I Tried!
I wish that we spoke,
I wish that I could have communicated with you,
I wish that I could feel that you cared,
I wish things ended differently!
Your pain did not translate,
Your suffering wasn’t clear,
You kept me at arms length,
Things could have ended differently!
Now I am gone!
Now you are gone!
Yet there is a lesson to be learnt here,
Which may lead to truly saving someone!

If you know someone who suffers from mental illness, checking in on them regularly could be a deal breaker. Feeling just an ounce of significance can save lives! Knowing you have someone to turn to can save lives. Feeling acknowledged can save lives. Knowing that support is available and warrented can and does save many lives. So be a sport, show some love and support, always be mindful that when people are mentally unwell, reassurance of security can be detrimental.
This following clip is of season 1, episode 2 of, “No One’s Lounge” my new mental health chat show via my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone all about stigma and taboo. Please check it out and share it all about. Donations will assure more episodes to come, crowd funding throughout the year… only 7 more to go and halfway there to number 3 🤞🏾❤

Roundabout…

Inspired by the TV show, West World…

See the record spinning?
Neither head nor tail,
Where’s the end or the beginning?
Round and around,
Full circle on demand,
Yet seemingly free,
Deceit!
Tis all engineered,
Placed by God,
Or something supernatural,
A force beyond our understanding,
It’s all engineered,
Designed,
Rigged,
Already chosen,
A hidden force manipulates,
What we perceive to be free Will.
Play,
Stop,
Skip,
Handle with care,
Delicately,
Avoiding wear and tear,
Scratch that,
And the sound will slack,
Skipping,
Trying to take it back.
It loops,
Circling like a hoola hoop,
Rhythm fast,
Rhythm slow,
Rhythm go,
Go,
Go,
Over and Over,
Because the master made it so.
A mirage of freedom,
In reality,
A soul trapped against its Will,
Destined only for fatality,
Things aren’t what they appear to be,
Russian roulette,
A fascade of tranquillity,
When really brutality,
A journey that you will endlessly repeat,
Yet we still forget,
The purpose as to why,
We do not know yet,
Bewitched,
Trickery,
We learn with regret,
And then we try to learn some more,
Starved with zero power,
I am mentally impaired,
But a sensitive suffragette,
Slightly aware that things are not right,
Stuck in an endless maze,
I hope for something more,
That there is some reason behind this treason,
But for now,
We lack control,
Lost in a game that we did not sign up for,
Chained to the tightest strings,
We are but puppets,
Stuck in a wretched game,
That we are forced to Play,
On this tainted roundabout,
In shades of grey.

JUST ONE MORE DAY UNTIL THE 2018 TRAILER OF NO ONE’S LOUNGE…PLEASE SUBSCRIBE AND STAY UP TO DATE VIA MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL, noone adiaryfromnoone

Subscribing, sharing, reposting, posting, tweeting, retweeting all of this and the crowd funding pledge below, will really help me lift this project off the ground. The proof is in the pudding, the more shows I do, the more information and 8nsight will be revealed. I just want to help people by raising mental health awareness. I am forever finding new ways to connect with people and this is my latest way. No One’s Lounge is a show for the people by the people, exploring the depths of mental health whilst appreciating serious creative forms of expression.

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone?utm_source=Facebook

13 Reasons Why…

After watching The Netflix Original, “13 Reasons Why” I decided to think about my own 13 reasons, as I often feel suicidal.The show is complex and realistic, it tells the story of a teenage girl who struggles to fit in and find herself, make positive and strong relationships with friends or lovers. She is both exposed to and experiences horrific trauma, she is bullied and misunderstood. She struggles with communicating her problems and slowly gives up after far to many unpleasant turn of events. I think that the message is, don’t give up, there is always help and a positive way out but in my personal situation, even with help intense medical treatment, currently fighting everyday from hospital, if not, then from home! The struggle remains, regardless of age or location. Here are my 13 reasons, +4… 1)Isolation (no one unprofessional person I can be 100% honest with 24/7) 2) rejection (biological father, modeling agency as child, step father, boyfriends, employees, friends and family) 3) abandonment (father, step father, boyfriends) 4) unsuccessful (dreams/career/unacomplished for my age) 5) unlucky (in general, in love, in health) 6) undesirable (baggage) 7) alopecia (embarrassing and confusing to lovers) 8) self harm (scars) 9) weight (plus size without intense maintenance that I sometimes cannot keep up with ill health) 10) mental health (mood swings, odd behaviour is demanding and requires intense patience) 11) impulsive (unpredictable and unsafe = dependant on help of any kind) 12) temperamental (good times and bad times cannot be forcast) 13) victimised (bullied) 14) Trauma (sexually assulted) 15) Pain (I feel sick to my stomach with the hatred I feel towards myself and cannot control, manage or contend with being me) 16) Voices (the theory) 17)Dissociation (the unknown, random, unexplained danger that I find myself in)
Reasons to live, 1) ideally a parent should never have to bury their own child. 2) I do not want to mess up my little sisters life! 3) I want to help other people with their mental health struggles and that….. that is currently it. I am honestly so tired of fighting this forever proving, endless and tiresome game. I know that this confession is a shame and may seem attention seeking or defeatist but it is my truth. I currently see no light, no rainbow, no gold, no silver lining. I have sort for help but after two months and counting, I am by No means cured. I think that I need to learn to live with this but the thought of this forever is not appealing in the slightest.

The Train…

Dark, Cold, Still and Silent,
Until the tailored key is inserted and turned clockwise to ignite,
With a kiss of life,
Initiating an exuberant space,
Designed to facilitate the needs of those with beating hearts.
The vibrations of the engines churn,
And there is light,
Heat,
Motion,
And the roar of power has been born.
Movement begins,
Steady and clear direction on the track,
Gliding smoothly on the designated path.
Choo Choo,
Chucka Chucka,
Choo Choo,
Chucka Chucka,
Start, Stop, Start, Stop,
Wooshing along and tearing through the air,
Punctual,
Vital,
Certain and with clear direction.
A safe haven for people to rest their feet and travel from A-Z.
But what about me?
I remember being one of those people,
Amongst those people.
Having a purpose,
Dreams to pursue,
Always moving up and forward,
Never looking back,
But I fell off track.
I got lost,
Stuck,
And I am waiting,
Wishing,
Dreaming,
Fantasising,
But I don’t think it is ever coming back.
So I stand alone in the darkness,
Without shelter,
Warmth,
Food,
Or a map,
Destitute with no means of contact.
I hear you all,
Coming and going,
You can’t be that far away.
That glimmer of hope is all that I have and hold onto.
Do you ever hear my screams?
You don’t acknowledge them!
I seem to have been forgotten.
I have definitely been left behind.
Yet I stand waiting to be helped and found,
Day after Day.

Salvation…

I barely recognise myself,
When I look into the mirror,
The reflection is a stranger.
My body ages in line with time,
But my mind is stuck,
Broken,
Barely evolving,
No direction or motion,
Trapped in an unstraight line.
I am the garden without gas,
The fire without coal,
The light bulb without electricity.
Bewildered,
I try to fight,
Push through,
But the force holding me back is stronger than I or you,
There is nothing more that I can do,
But ride the waves,
And hope for salvation.

stuck

All appears normal with a blink of an eye,

They don’t see me,

Not really,

They see what they want to see,

I can’t control it anymore,

My ability to project normality is slipping.

There ignorance is cracking,

All is not what it seems.

Should we just stop for a while,

All may be revealed.

Time wont stop,

The clock is ticking,

The world is spinning,

You’ll are moving forward,

Whist I am stuck.