No One’s Lounge

Hello readers 🤗 I am absolutely ecstatic and delighted to report that the pilot for my new chat show has been watched over 170 times since it aired on my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone on Christmas Eve. My YouTube subscribers have also almost doubled but I need more of you to click on that red button.
My plan is to host a 10 episode season of No One’s Lounge throughout this year of 2018. I think it is important to be as creative and intriguing as possible, in order to keep people’s attention and constantly raise mental health awareness. This vibrant new show is all about real life people, with real life experience within the realms of mental health and speaking openly and honestly in order to connect with you, the people.
I will not be having a festival this year and so please support me in this project, as generously as you have over the last two years with, A Festival From No One.
If you didn’t catch the pilot or have not yet seen my fundraising pledge, please check out the details below.

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone?utm_source=Facebook

Much love, kisses, well wishes and appreciation to you all. Don’t forget to subscribe as Season1, Episode 1 is being filmed today and shall be aired in due cause. Come with me on this journey, as I fundraise and produce an insightful season of No One’s Lounge throughout the year. See where your donations go as it manifests and please keep sharing, as to broaden my network!?

Xx No One

VORTEX…

I have a vortex of solemn energy that lingers above my soul and heart,
No vacuum of pills nor therapy can suck it away,
Love,
Hope,
Nor positivity can shrink it,
Or banish it,
Trick it,
Or lead it astray.
No one can be more frustrated about this than I,
I constantly try to shift it,
But its tangled and knotted roots,
Are so thick and deep,
They have tricked my body into thinking they belong.
I want to run,
I want to hide,
But there is no getting away from this,
It’s in me,
Part of me,
This giant tardis,
Of numbness and misery,
Why it chose me is a mystery,
But I know in my heart,
That I will never be free,
As each day it gets more firmly rooted,
Holds me back from my potential destiny,
Deviding me from my friends and family.
Alone I must suffer and endure this,
Riddled in pain,
Watching life go by,
And all the things that I will miss,
Because there is no escaping this.
This poison will stay with me for as long as I exist.
I did not ask for this.
I do not relish in it.
I did not choose to be a host.
You think I am self indulged and selfish,
Able to set myself free,
Embrace love and be happy.
Oh how you are wrong!
I did not invite or agree,
For this curse to be bestowed upon me,
To live life in constant misery,
It chose me!
You’ll never understand it unless you also have experience it,
And so the fact that you don’t,
Ignites relief within me,
I would rather your frustration,
And gradual segregation,
Then for you to have to live through the same as me,
In order to fully understand me.
As this black hole of darkness eats away at me,
I would not even wish it upon my biggest enemy,
The constant…
Chronic pain,
The tears,
The stress,
The darkness,
The paranoia,
Dissociation,
Hallucinations,
Anxiety,
Panic attacks,
Fatigue,
Is not the type of life that I would wish for me,
Or anybody,
But I caught it,
And resentfully,
I must undergo all that comes with it.
The vortex,
The black hole,
Of ill mental health,
Eats away at you,
Until one way or another,
There is nothing left of you,
And seemingly no way out!

Dormant Volcano

I am the blackfish in the bowl of goldfish,
I am the monkey in a cage,
The actor on the stage,
All eyes are on me.
When I move,
The spotlight does not follow,
I am yesterday’s news,
Not tomorrow’s star,
I am in the game,
But my position is lame,
Because actually I am rather tame,
And that does not entertain.
I have no microphone,
No subtitles,
Bad lighting,
One must study closely,
To see what is happening.
Still,
Not swimming in circles,
Sitting,
Not frantically swinging around,
Modest,
The stage I stand upon,
No colour,
No sparkle,
No fireworks,
No flames,
But I wish you could peak into my brain,
Witness the insane,
Peak into my stomach,
See the flames of anxiety,
A storm is brewing,
This dormant volcano is bubbling,
And I have reached out,
Tried warning,
But on tired and deaf ears,
My revelations and fears fall,
Too articulate,
Too educated,
Too accomplished,
And fine tuned,
My passive attempts to communicate,
Are dismissed by you all,
All the while,
I slowly crumble and fall.

13 Reasons Why…

After watching The Netflix Original, “13 Reasons Why” I decided to think about my own 13 reasons, as I often feel suicidal.The show is complex and realistic, it tells the story of a teenage girl who struggles to fit in and find herself, make positive and strong relationships with friends or lovers. She is both exposed to and experiences horrific trauma, she is bullied and misunderstood. She struggles with communicating her problems and slowly gives up after far to many unpleasant turn of events. I think that the message is, don’t give up, there is always help and a positive way out but in my personal situation, even with help intense medical treatment, currently fighting everyday from hospital, if not, then from home! The struggle remains, regardless of age or location. Here are my 13 reasons, +4… 1)Isolation (no one unprofessional person I can be 100% honest with 24/7) 2) rejection (biological father, modeling agency as child, step father, boyfriends, employees, friends and family) 3) abandonment (father, step father, boyfriends) 4) unsuccessful (dreams/career/unacomplished for my age) 5) unlucky (in general, in love, in health) 6) undesirable (baggage) 7) alopecia (embarrassing and confusing to lovers) 8) self harm (scars) 9) weight (plus size without intense maintenance that I sometimes cannot keep up with ill health) 10) mental health (mood swings, odd behaviour is demanding and requires intense patience) 11) impulsive (unpredictable and unsafe = dependant on help of any kind) 12) temperamental (good times and bad times cannot be forcast) 13) victimised (bullied) 14) Trauma (sexually assulted) 15) Pain (I feel sick to my stomach with the hatred I feel towards myself and cannot control, manage or contend with being me) 16) Voices (the theory) 17)Dissociation (the unknown, random, unexplained danger that I find myself in)
Reasons to live, 1) ideally a parent should never have to bury their own child. 2) I do not want to mess up my little sisters life! 3) I want to help other people with their mental health struggles and that….. that is currently it. I am honestly so tired of fighting this forever proving, endless and tiresome game. I know that this confession is a shame and may seem attention seeking or defeatist but it is my truth. I currently see no light, no rainbow, no gold, no silver lining. I have sort for help but after two months and counting, I am by No means cured. I think that I need to learn to live with this but the thought of this forever is not appealing in the slightest.

Let Me Sleep Now!?

What Black Magic has been bestowed upon me!?
Which Witch has cast a deadly and toxic curse!?
What Wizards spell created my Voodoo Doll!?
What spiteful Troll tailored the pins,
That some unearthly Monster has used to control me!?
What Beast has hypnotised my third eye!?
All together,
The pack and their toys manipulate me.
I am fortunes fool!
I despise this wretched path that I have stumbled upon,
Unsuccessfully alone,
I am counting on someone to release me.
My heart is broken,
This pain I feel,
Like burning flames,
It feels so real.
I hear a calling,
I feel the pull,
From high above or down below?
Either way I want to go,
It cannot be worse then here,
Living in agony and constant fear!
Fighting for what?
Afraid of death,
I am not,
What I fear is living in constant sorrow,
Let me sleep now,
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow!

Extra Time…

That poor child with a hole in his heart,
He has a pocket full of dreams.
Adventurous,
Brave,
Smart,
And cheeky,
Eager for his life to start!
“A Doctor” is what he said that he wanted to be,
And so he could help fellow sick people like he!
Then there is me,
Nearly thirty three,
Thirty years his senior,
A wasted soul,
Unhappy and ungreatful in life.
We both have hole’s iin our Herat’s,
Only his,
Literal,
And mine,
Metaphorical,
Still each scenario could lead to an unpleasant fatality.
He,
To him this whole notion is inconceivable,
Unbelievable,
Unfathomable.
I was once like him,
Determined to heal,
Beg,
Borrow,
And steal,
In order to be alive and feel!
I would give him my life if I could,
He would make the most of it,
I know he weould!
Life to me,
Does not feel as it should,
Full of heartache,
Misery,
Despair,
And negativity,
Running on misery,
No obvious destiny,
Broken and desperately misunderstood.
I want him to have my life,
Some extra time.
To you this may sound strange,
To me it is a fair exchange.
An opportunity to be the best that he can be.
The wires in my head are positioned incorrectly,
If I could give him my time,
My life,
Perhaps that would finally mean peace for me.
I would be his Guardian Angel,
With him day by day,
Guide him from wrong to right.
I would monitor his sleep,
Converse with the Sand Man,
Sucking out the venom that nightmares make,
And replace them with love,
Confidence,
Comfort,
And passion,
Whilst gazing upon him amongst the star light sky at night.