Happier without me..

Treading on eggshells most of my youth,
Conscious of others emotions,
I withdrew from sharing my truth.
Walking on a tightrope throughout adolescents,
Withholding from disobedience,
Out of respect.
Missing out on being young and care free,
Experimental,
Testing every boundary,
Unknowing that such characteristics are essential,
For ones development,
In order to become a wholesome being.
I can reflect,
Analyse,
And try to process,
But never go back,
As time for me stands still,
The hands of the clock keep ticking forward,
Everyone seems to be on a different path than I,
And I cannot help but wonder why?
Did I create this distance?
This parting between us?
Is this my punishment for wanting to die?
Suicidal behaviour is not based on a selfish lie,
But a complex compulsion,
Bigger than you or I,
Not to attention seek,
Not to gain pity,
But a desperate attempt to drain all sorrow,
And woes away,
A chance to wake from agony,
To sleep in peace forevermore.
I mean not to cause you pain,
And I wish I could explain,
None of this stops my love for you,
And I must accept that you can react in anyway that you want to,
To freeze me out now,
To make an easier good bye?
Seemingly a popular strategy?
Unfortunately,
The more you exclude me,
The weaker I become,
The gates and walls around me crumble,
Each time you drift away,
As we don’t speak,
All I have to hear is what the voices,
You come and go,
But they never stray,
And I alone must endure the horrible things that they do and say!
Watching you walk away,
Detach yourselves,
With no place for me,
Makes leaving this life more appealing,
But most of the time,
That is just a pain wrenching feeling,
Only when very unwell,
When this earth turns to hell,
And I see nothing,
Hear nothing,
Feel nothing,
But,
Pain,
Pain,
Pain,
Do I attempt to leave this mortal plane.
I am tiered of fighting,
And fighting alone,
You seem stronger and happier,
Without the weight of me in your zone,
The pictures,
The trips,
The days out,
Those happy moments,
You are happier without me,
And so I know if I leave,
You will continue to be!

Ending My Life…

By the roadside,
I ponder,
Trying to process,
Each thought like a knife in my chest!
I would openly confess,
They need not interrogate me like I am under arrest,
All is unclear,
Time lost.
I cannot remember before,
I am struggling with today,
And fearful of tomorrow,
Carrying my heavy burden of sorrow.
I was fast,
I was quick,
Gliding down the motorway,
I ran out of fuel,
Landed on a side road,
Out of harms way.
Blinkers on,
But no power to carry on.
My phone has full battery,
But I have no one to call.
Looking down,
I see my seat belt on,
This sequity measure assures me that this was not planned,
I am guessing that I was on a mission,
Definitely going forward,
And in a second,
It ended,
My purpose,
My focus,
My control,
My goal,
Just stiff and numb,
Everything stopped,
Time,
Sound,
Smell,
Stuck in my own personal hell,
Left with slight feeling,
And full sight.
Looking into the mirror,
My reflection does not look right,
Looking older than my years,
Fading away,
Out of fight.
My bare feet on the cold ground,
I feel the vibration of a large vehicle drawing close,
The headlights are bright,
Intense without sound.
I step into the light,
Immediately ending all of my pain and strife,
Subsequently ending my life.