Who The Fuck Cares, But I Don’t know You!

I know you think me rude,
But that opinion is misconstrued,
As it is you that intrudes,
I don’t respond because I don’t know you!
A Hi here,
A Hi there,
Direct,
Public,
And I’m quite sick of it,
God knows,
Who exactly are you?
Years have passed,
And my memories of you did not last.
The truth is,
I’d rather you stopped all of these messages,
As our “relationship” has ended,
Whatever platonic,
In your eyes ecstasy we may have had,
You are a figure of my past,
Time and dignity may have stopped you,
But I still receive messages of new,
And I still have no fucking clue,
Just who the hell are you?
Being terribly British,
I have not found the right words,
As to not offend,
But terminally end,
Whatever we had,
That is driving me mad,
As I don’t have a clue,
Just who the fuck are you?
So I have just not replied,
Avoiding offence, confrontation or violence,
But please,
Let this sink in,
My silence,
It’s deliberate,
A polite rejection,
Of your eager attention,
As I don’t want to upset you,
But you must acknowledge,
I just don’t know you.

Destined For Disaster…

Staring at the wall again,
Trying to remember when,
Everything was so good back then,
Looking back at photo’s,
Trawling through social media,
The filtered photo’s deceive ya,
Me and the Girls,
Me and the Boys,
Cocktails,
Mocktails,
Endless joys,
Youth,
Freedom,
Expression,
Creativity,
Power,
Sexy,
Sassy,
PARTY!
Those years were golden,
I now understand the phrase,
But gradually everyone has grown,
Moved on,
Progressed to the next phase,
Transitioned in only the best ways,
Detached from the old days,
And the only one left in pain,
Sad and angry,
Is me!
Stuck in a rut,
The door hammered shut,
I am so far removed from them,
They don’t bat an eyelid,
But even if they did,
They don’t see,
They don’t recognise me,
I am the lone soldier,
That basks in the memories,
That they did leave.
How is it fair,
That those who have done me wrong,
Have moved forward,
Happy and strong?
I was insignificant then,
And I am insignificant now.
Staring at the wall again,
Straining to remember when,
There were no voices.
What shall I do?
Take some pills and end it?
Make myself bleed to control it?
Talk to someone?
I cannot.
If things don’t mend and positively change,
I just don’t think I can go on.
Anchored by trauma,
Separating me from old dreams,
Repelling dreams a new,
I loose my desire to push for a break through,
I cannot foresee anything,
I feel so weak,
Not strong,
Perhaps I was destined for despair all along!?

noone adiaryfromnoone

My birth name is Jade Phipps, but as a self appointed mental health awareness advocate I go by the name, “No One”. No One stands for no one in particular, there for anyone and everyone. I represent and reach out to the people.
I personally suffer from, “Borderline Personality Disorder, type Impulsive” which for me includes, depression, anxiety, mania, dissociation and psychosis. I am managed by my community mental health team, I see my Community Psychiatric Nurse fortnightly and my Support Worker once a week. I was diagnosed after having a breakdown. I have always suffered from depression and was diagnosed with it at the age of sixteen but since my latest diagnosis, I subsequently found out that it was expected that I had BPD back then in 2000, but this information was not shared with me until being institutionalised in 2013.
I have been in and out of hospital at least once a year since then, always voluntary, but my last admittance in 2017 was initially under a section 2 for 28 days, which was completed, I then voluntarily stayed a further 2 months.
I am a very creative person by nature and discovered writing poetry whilst being considerably unwell and in and out of hospital. My website, “www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk” is a result of this. It basically includes my whole life story thus far and is added to whilst I remain on this journey. I have great support and followers that enjoy my writing, I always alert and shoutout when I put new stuff up, via my Facebook page or Twitter (noone adiaryfromnoone). Intrigue has allowed the curious and those of which identify to accompany me on this current path. It has bought great attention to my door, I have featured on BBC national news, BBC WM radio and a London based radio show called, “The Real Deal”. All outlets sourced me from discovering my website!
Reading is not for everybody and I want to reach as many people as possible and so I decided that I needed and wanted a different outlet, this gave birth to, “No One’s Lounge”! A new chat show with the focal point of mental health. Each episode consists of a panel and creative guest. Think “Loose Women”/”BBC Live Lounge”. I did a Christmas Pilot trailer… https://youtu.be/SOYO6Q8pg3Q and full length… https://youtu.be/4mC_l48Ixkc and then a trailer for what will hopefully be a ten episode season this 2018…https://youtu.be/CP7sBZpf7mU and season 1, episode 1 in full… https://youtu.be/5f3DEY1GXUg
My work and this new project have already sparked interest off BBC Radio 4.
Society needs to be made more aware of what mental health really is. We need a decrease in stigma and increase in knowledge. I do not fault the people who have tainted views of what ill mental health is, because unless you go looking for it, or personally experience it, the main sources of information out there are overwhelming, misrepresented, creating stigma and encouraging ignorance. I want to filter and leak information and experiences from real people, to and for real peoole, made obtainable to everyone. Knowledge is power. Communication and honesty equals power. This chat show features real people, who have had real life mental health experiences, it is the pinicle of reality. A touch of music or poetry is just a nice touch of alternative communication.
In my opinion, the majority of people don’t really know about mental health until they personally or their loved ones/colleagues/associates get unwell. Everyone is susceptible to ill mental health, there for everyone should have some sort of realistic understanding of what it is and/or can be, just as a safe guard. The topic should be accurate common Knowledge, and who better to learn from then the people who have experienced it themselves!?
My dream is big, I cannot reach the entire nation alone but with the help of others, by coming on my show, scattering it across social media, watching, sharing, talking about and subscribing, my message of hope, shameless communication, empowerment and understanding may reach further a shore.
In the meantime I am personally fighting to stay afloat every single day. Exhausted by accelerated mood swings, causing chronic lethargy, it is hard to fight and keep motivated but the bigger picture goes way beyond I, my fight is for the people because I am No One and noone represents everyone.
Check out anything noone adiaryfromnoone and please join me on this crusade of mental health awareness.

SOCIAL MEDIA DOWN (said with a frown)…

When social media becomes inaccessible,
living life feels impossible,
What is there left to do,
If one cannot like,
Or send a GIF,
My Facebook is down,
I was not prepared for this,
Imagine all the selfies that you are going to miss,
My endless links to poetry,
Access to converse with me,
My Facebook is down,
I felt I must explain,
As to why I may not reply,
Or react to you,
Believe me it is not in vain,
I can access nothing not,
Therefor I cannot even troubleshoot,
Or bloody complain!

justgiving/jadelaurie-hart

Hit The Target with two days to spare!

A FESTIVAL FROM NO ONE RETURNS! May it be just as successful if not more so then last years…

I would like to publically thank all that have supported me so far this year, those of you that visited me in hospital, those that have stayed in contact with me throughout my mental health struggles, in person, via social media, phone calls, emails and texts, those of you that celebrated my birthday with me whilst I was released from hospital for a few hours and those of you who have shared, posted and donated towards my crowdfunding. I am now out of hospital. I am continuing my journey of recovery and my main priority right now is organising my festival, “A FESTIVAL FROM NO ONE RETURNS”! I am very proud to announce that I have hit my target of £1100!!! This would not have been possible without your help. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you and promise to organise the most inspiring, motivational, informative, creative and insightful day on July 22nd that I can and that the contributions donated to charity will be put to good use within the mental health system. This is a joint venture and I thank all that have helped once more. You are all saints! As always, this year has had so much sadness and disaster but so much so on our doorsteps of late. I am so sorry for the people that have lost loved ones in Manchester and London this year. I admire the vast amount of good people in my social media network who have come together and helped those in need. It proves that there is still goodness and that there are still kind hearted people in this world, and we must hold onto that in solidarity.
I focus on mental health because it is close to my heart and such a big part of my own life, my empathy for others whom struggle gives me strength to fight for the cause of mental health awareness. I have always cared about others more then myself. It is hard work but a great pleasure to try and create something positive for the greater good of others! This world without selfless acts and genuine good will is one that I do not want to be a part of, one person can idealise, a unity of people can actually make things happen. Together we are! Join me, and we shall! xxx

Social Friends In Cyber Media…. Cysober…

For the blaggers,
The bull-shitters,
The false friends,
And fake lovers!
All of my Cysober sister’s and brother’s.
The people that, “like” without opening your post.
The people that comment without reading your post.
The selfies,
The tagging,
The Internet bragging,
Attention seeking,
Sob stories,
The bitchy comments,
Exclusion,
The hott list,
The not list,
The group chats,
The blanking,
The rants,
The pestering (guilty as charged),
The sharing,
The over sharing,
The overbearing,
Ignoring,
Blocking,
The friend requests,
The stranger requests,
The stalking,
Not messaging back,
The friend count,
The like count,
The video watched count.
The chain messages,
Advertising,
Chastising,
Grooming,
Bullying,
Pranking,
Punking.
The people from your past,
The insincere,
The numbers mean nothing,
The live video’streaming, mantras and selfies a facade!
In this instance my intentions are genuine,
I am here,
I am asking for your help!?…
The majority of you will not read this,
The rest won’t know what I am talking about,
Because this isn’t about fashion or reality TV,
Perhaps it should be…
Reality TV,
But this is an opportunity to make positive change for charity!
JustGiving/JadeLaurie-Hart
Please donate/share/help me,
Help others!?
www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk

Listen to Cyscober by noone adiaryfromnoone #np on #SoundCloud

BBC ONE…. FEATURING NONE OTHER THAN I…

Thursday 30th March 2017 was a fantastical day for me. With very short notice (which in high insight worked only in my favour) I was invited to London to speak to a small group of brave and inspirational fighters of ill mental health. All four of us had very different experiences of ill mental health, yet became United when we all acknowledged how empowering both embracing and communicating our experiences have been rewarding and healing on our journeys to recovery. My consistent contact with my support worker for example, talking, sharing and expressing my feelings to her are both refreshing and therapeutic. Some people talk to friends, lovers, family, psychiatrists, whom ever you talk to, a huge part of the healing affect that, that gives you, mostly comes from within, because you have allowed yourself to acknowledge and release!
There are still so many misconceptions about mental health, the subject carries an awful lot of stigma and negativity and is still often considered as a, “Taboo” subject. Until people are brave enough to speak out, loud and honestly about their experiences within the realms of mental health, we cannot blame people for their ignorance and misunderstanding. The best way to educate people about mental health is to speak openly about it, not to be ashamed and feel like you have a dirty little secret. Bottling up leads to denial and increases pain and suffering. Acknowledging and sharing your experiences helps you to process and is a huge step towards recovery. People need to speak and people need to listen, embracing this attitude creates a safety net, takes the weight off your shoulders and brings people together.
Celebrities are starting to admit and share their mental health experiences, the platform of networking that they have means more and more people are becoming aware that mental health exists, that people from all walks of life can have episodes and highlights the fact that it is OK and actually quite common to be vulnerable.
Suffering from BPD, Anxiety, Depression and psychosis myself, I have many stories to tell and share about my experiences, what it is like to be me hour by hour, what being institutionalised is like, how successful/incompetent NHS Mental Health Care staff can and cannot be. The list goes on…
The saddest thing is that even though more and more people are acknowledging and accepting that mental health is just as important as physical health, the budgets just keep getting cut. I am personally fundraising for a community and family friendly festival to celebrate mental health awareness and also donating the majority of the proceeds to “Changing Minds” charity, who distribute the money they receive between Birmingham and Solihull Mental Health Foundation Trust. I don’t have a huge networking platform or a huge social media following. I am just no one in particular that is trying to do an extremely good thing whilst simultaneously suffering with mental health and fighting to stay on the road to recovery. It has nearly been a year since my last hospital admittance. Hooray! Yet realistically I could quite easily relapse tomorrow, staying safe and alive are two extremely difficult tasks for me. I am fortunate enough to have both family and professional support and I do communicate but even I often edit the truth, hold back on being completely free and sharing because I don’t want to go back to hospital! So please don’t feel that I do not understand how hard it is to voice and share how you feel and how you are or are not coping. The idea is that once initiated, it may get easier. I think at the very least, this is a great avenue to explore and if it is difficult, try to persevere. Nothing is easy but your life is worth fighting for.
Please check out the BBC link, I feature just after 20 minutes in…


Also please share/talk about/donate towards my crowdfunding…

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/jade-laurie-hart?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Yimbyprojectpage&utm_content=jade-laurie-hart&utm_campaign=projectpage-share-owner&utm_term=3wyAXEnQp

Keep communicating, thank you for reading.
X

Botched Up Bodies…

I have always hated my breasts. They have always been large in size but the bigger the natural breast, the less kind gravity can be. That is a fact. I have always blamed my mother for encouraging me to sleep without a bra on as a teenager, whilst developing. Truth be told, I doubt that notion made to much difference, but it is easier to blame your mum then an anonymous God or fate!
I have always said, that if I win the lottery or come into money, I will be straight down the plastic surgeon’s. Boob uplift, liposuction, laser cellulite remover, the list goes on, the whole shebang! People say just exercise more or eat less. People say an awful lot! The reality is, I can honestly say that all of my ailments are not self inflicted. I do exercise. I eat rather well. Looking back at my pictures in my twenties, I looked fabulous, but even then I was body conscious. People have always picked on me for my weight, even as a child. Those voices are never silenced and will haunt me to the day I die. My issues are not just physical but mental because of being traumatised by criticism about my shape, size, appearance, looks, being dumped by partners or nagged by family members. I never got to truly and confidently enjoy my size when it was rather good. I used to have a natural four pack! I doubt that is ever coming back. One can wish, but actually, I would rather four kids.
Age has of cause played it’s part, like it does upon everyone else, but also depression has ignited comfort eating in the past, I used to sleep eat, sleep walk to the cupboards, snack and wake up feeling sick from poorly digested food and crumbs in my bed. Thank goodness that stopped, but now with BPD, depression, anxiety, psychosis, I have to take an awful lot of medication to steady my mood and weight gain is a side effect.
It is no secret that I self harm. I believe this makes me a little less screamish then most, but watching the inspiring weight dropper Josie Gibson under the knife on celebrities botched up bodies, the surgery really made me feel sick. Josie was asleep through all of it and woke up looking great but I am now in two minds. Not like I can afford surgery anyway but it has definitely opened my eyes to the seriousness of cosmetic surgery. Surgery is surgery and always life threatening.
I suppose that if I was fortunate enough to truly make a decision, under the knife or not under the knife, I am single and thirty-two with suicidal tendencies, if I am going to die, I wouldn’t mind dying whilst trying to look hot. I would wake up hot or wake up not. Chances are, it would be the first, then maybe I could find a man to love me, in this cruel, judgemental and shallow world that we live in. Most importantly, after thirty-two years of failing, maybe, just maybe, I could learn to love myself. I have a lot of love for everyone else but have never loved myself. If nothing else, it would be great to embrace that feeling.

https://m.soundcloud.com/therealdealradioshow/episode-27-mental-health-the

I was interviewed by, “The Real Deal Show” pulse.88 Monday 26th September 2016. A main section of the show was focussed on “Mental Health” and “Mental Health In The Black Community”.
I felt privileged to be given the platform to discuss my personal mental health and experiences.
I am passionate about raising awareness of mental health, it baffles me how there is so much stigma and shame projected towards the subject, so much fear and ignorance, which we all know leads to hate crime, exclusion and segregation. No one is immune to having bad mental health, it can be genetic, it can be random, it can be the repercussions of ones environment. The more the subject is discussed, the more people understand, I believe that will result in less negativity and lead to more support, understanding and empathy.
I held a festival in July (check out YouTube adiaryfromnoone) to raise awareness for mental health. I am in the middle of writing an autobiography which focusses on thr events leading upto my breakdown and my first steps towards recovery. I blog, I write poetry, I vlog and I am determined to raise awareness of mental health. I am not sure I can reach the world alone. Please help, either read my work on this site, listen/watch my vlog’s on YouTube, what ever you prefer. Not only that, please revisit and share! There are strengths in numbers and mental health is a valid cause.
I feature in the following clip, around thirty minutes in. Have a listen.

Blogging?!

I would firstly like to say that the internet is full of absolute nonsensical, unrealistic, inaccurate drivel! The modern generation depends so heavily on the internet, worldwide web, whatever you want to call it. A simple click of a button here and a click of a button there and anything and everything seems possible. Ask a question and an answer of some form, you shall receive. There is no guarantee that your search will provide you with accurate and truthful information, but you wont be left hanging, it will definitely provide you with something. Even better, it takes seconds. You don’t have to spend hours on end trawling through the dictionary, treasures, atlas, bible, historical literature because one’s computer can do it all for you. The only trouble, well perhaps not only, but it certainly ranks high, the trouble with the internet, you have no idea who has provided that information, where it comes from, how accurate it maybe, opinions get mixed up with fact, just because they provide you with something in black and white does not make it factual. You wouldn’t knowingly take medical advice off an architect for example, but there lies the problem, the internet has no face, perhaps that is exactly what you are doing, when the pop up answer to your search engine question comes up, you go along with it no questions asked. Perhaps you should ask, who the hell is answering my question? The internet is great, do not get me wrong. You can practically do anything and everything on line. You can buy clothes, food, music. You can talk to your friends. You can watch the news. We literally don’t have to leave the house but don’t believe everything that you see or read. The internet can lead you down a rabbit hole and into a maze of self diagnosis, inaccurate tests with nonsense theories, fraud. It isn’t as shiny and spectacular as they have you believe. I guess you just need to keep your wits about you and acknowledge that a real football match outside come rain or shine is healthier then a computer game that relies on fingers and thumbs. A night out with friends and face to face conversation is undoubtedly better then cruising social media all evening and hiding behind a picture taken over a decade ago! A trip to your doctor, optician and/or dentist in person is detrimental to one’s health and undeniably better then cruising the likes of NHS direct for example. Please note, no disrespect to NHS direct services intended.

Hypothetical response, “What about my anxiety? It prevents me from leaving the house, the internet keeps me in touch with the world!”

I completely understand from first hand experience, how difficult leaving the house can be. How much easier it is to confide in your search engine and history rather then actually communicate in person with another being. I know how hard it can be to say things out loud, to ask for help. That is why I created this website, I write my poems and share my thoughts via blogs because, yes it is therapeutic for me but most importantly I don’t want you to feel alone, misunderstood, unheard. You are not alone reader, I promise to always endeavourer to understand you and will always listen. I speak the truth from my heart. I share because I want to help you, others, everyone. I speak from first hand experience, I am not making things up. You can relate to me. Obviously bare in mind that we are all different and unique in our own way and what works for me may not work for you and vice versa but I share non the less and you can draw from it as you wish.

I have recently been considering visual and audio blogging via You Tube. I have spent most of today checking out what (in regards to mental health, particularly depression, Emotional unstable personality disorder, anxiety hallucinations and self harm, the problems that I have, my reality.) is already out there and I was surprised to not find that much of relevance. I would say that people often enjoy watching and or listening, if you are having trouble concentrating due to hallucinations those options can be easier than reading. I believe that this may be an avenue that I need to adventure. The trouble is, after all of the technical stuff that I will need to figure out, video footage makes things seem so much more real. No alias name like, “Noone” to hide behind. The idea of exposing myself visually makes me feel vulnerable, anxious and panicky but I am trying to remember that the messages that I intend to share are so much more important then any of my self image hang ups. Mental illness isn’t pretty and it doesn’t smell like roses. It’s raw, painful, limiting and ugly but it isn’t yours alone, nor mine, strength in numbers. We may not be able to beat it but we can accept and fight it together.

One thing that I saw when I was researching was this glamorous, young and beautiful woman explaining about how she hadn’t blogged for a few weeks because she was depressed but all was now well and she was ready to blog again. I am trying my best not to question how quickly her depression both appeared and disappeared, I have been struggling with it for a good sixteen years and counting but who am I to judge? As I have said before, we are all different. Not one remedy can cure us all. The girl spoke of how she didn’t believe in taking any kind of anti-depressant and how she was an advocate for healthy eating and healthy living, that was the only medication that she needed. She was talking about herself and what works for her but I found it offensive. Yes to healthy eating. Yes to healthy living and a healthy lifestyle but don’t reject the idea of medication. We strive to cope, understand, fit in, smile, feel well and if medication helps to enable such qualities of life, I don’t think completely dismissing medication is wise. I also don’t believe in the magic pill or that taking copious amounts of medication will cure us all together but one must explore all options for themselves and find a happy medium.

For those of you that read, watch and listen to blogs on line, please always be mindful that we are not all cut from the same cloth, what works for one may not work for you. Some people blog for the likes of fame, money, popularity. They may discuss things that they don’t know or care about. I don’t vow to know everything about the pro’s and con’s of mental health but I promise that I care, and I welcome you to accompany me on this crazy mental health journey. You may hide behind me, I will show face for all of us. Together we can share and draw upon our experiences in order to learn, educate and move forward.

It was a long one, thanks for reading.

Noone