Sleep is my hobby and escape,
A personal skill of perfection to the nine,
From which I acquired so naturally,
From the get go,
And yet tonight,
Despite being dosed up on my sanity medication,
Being fully prepared to escape reality and ill mentality,
I hoped to dream of unicorns and cotton candy,
Blissfully bobbing along on my all inclusive Mr Sandmans lullaby vacation,
Alas love is a powerful creation,
That has stirred something within,
My need to escape has shrunk,
As everyday has been a holiday,
But now you’ve gone away,
And the bitter side affect is insomnia,
As tonight my lover lies with me not,
And loneliness has returned,
A feeling I had unknowingly forgot.
What Black Magic has been bestowed upon me!?
Which Witch has cast a deadly and toxic curse!?
What Wizards spell created my Voodoo Doll!?
What spiteful Troll tailored the pins,
That some unearthly Monster has used to control me!?
What Beast has hypnotised my third eye!?
The pack and their toys manipulate me.
I am fortunes fool!
I despise this wretched path that I have stumbled upon,
I am counting on someone to release me.
My heart is broken,
This pain I feel,
Like burning flames,
It feels so real.
I hear a calling,
I feel the pull,
From high above or down below?
Either way I want to go,
It cannot be worse then here,
Living in agony and constant fear!
Fighting for what?
Afraid of death,
I am not,
What I fear is living in constant sorrow,
Let me sleep now,
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow!
When you wake up in floods of tears,
Because you have just had to face your deepest fears,
You realise that, “Queen Mab” has been to see you!
Inserting pricks of poison into your heavenly clouds of sleep,
To purposely unsteady your mind,
Trick and fool you,
Whilst comatose and blind,
Conjuring bad thoughts that are most unkind,
Leaving you emotionally spent and weak.
My dream may as well have been true,
You may think my inability to distinguish slumber from truth makes me a wuss,
But I argue that if this black magic had happened to you,
Even you would kick up a fuss.
My pillow soaked with puddles of tears,
My bed sheet’s soaked from fearful sweat,
Short of breath,
My mouth sore from holding in my secret.
Dishevelled and uneasy,
I feel like I have had no rest at all.
A nightmare conjured from demons of Hell,
How I wish that you don’t come true,
That I can somehow rid of you before you do,
May I banish all connections to the darkside,
Somewhere far away and so they cannot harm either I or you,
Blocking access to the venomous creatures of the night,
And welcome the sandman to evoke only light!
Or else I shall get no rest,
And the exhaustion and distress,
shall haunt me both day and night,
Stripping me of my armour,
Leaving me hollow and too weak to fight.
Leading me to consistent pain and misery,
Yet all that I want is to feel right and safe,
With some reassurance that all will be OK!
My nightmares run strong and deep,
Affecting my awake time,
Not just my sleep.
I banish you,
To fully take my control back someday.
Between the sheet’s she lye’s,
Unable to wake from slumber,
Just another number.
All sense of self forgot,
Seemingly still and at peace,
The person she was and now she is not,
When the temperature is low,
And the British air is crisp,
One desires a lifetime accomplice.
Loneliness is her poison,
And she drank it all at once.
You sleep alot don’t you!?
Don’t you want to wake up,
And breath the next day?
Sleep for you,
It is simply what you are obliged to do,
Something you have to get through.
I have a different relationship with sleep.
Days awake are something I am obliged to do,
Each a task that I have to get through,
And that might not make much sense to you,
But it is one hundred percent true.
Sleep is my oxygen,
A place to escape my painful reality.
Each waking day a nightmare,
Each sleep affair,
Like a little prayer,
Sleep saves me from despair.
It pays no bother to depression,
Does not acknowledge my anxiety
I can breath and it sets me free.
I know I cannot lay dormant for the rest of my life,
But I am addicted to sleeps powers of avoiding pain and strife.
Some sleep’s are bad,
When my brain shuts down with disassociation,
Loosing all consciousness and concentration.
I cannot awake from.
Or dreams that make you sad,
As you wake up sobbing into a soaked pillow.
Drunk with lethargy,
Eyelids glued shut,
I have no energy or motivation to move,
I feel sick to the stomach,
Have an aching head,
Crazed with a continuous mental and physical haze.
It is less pain then seeing the next day.
I sleep to keep my demons at bay!
If you are a returning reader, you will know that I have and have had various symptoms of psychosis and hallucinations, they are part of my many mental health problems. The visual ones ceased about a year ago (hooray and may they never come back) but I have had to contend with the audio ones since first falling really sick three years ago. I have named them both, “He” and “She” in order to identify which is talking and saying what, but if I am honest, they often talk in unison. They are by no means my version of the little devil and angel that sit on your shoulder and whisper advice, they aren’t my version of, “Jiminy Cricket” that helps me tap into my consciousness. They are paranoia provoking, upsetting, annoying, exhausting, unwelcome and disturbing. They make my life really difficult. I find it hard to focus and impossible to ignore. Could you ignore people invading your personal space and talking, whispering or shouting mean things directly into your ears? Try it. It is no fun at all. The scale of space invasion is hard enough as it is, then there is the discomfort of amplified sound and worst of all what is said, the bullying, hating and dark things that they say over and over again. I often need to play the television loud and music loud in order to drown them out. Or sometimes my ears are so sensitive, I need everything and everyone around me to be delicate and quiet because the overwhelming sound can be painful.
Last night I experienced something completely different, something out of this world. I was depressed Monday, manic Tuesday, I have rapid cycles and I am rarely in-between. On the night of the manic day, I just couldn’t rest, despite how much I wanted to. I was hovering and cleaning at 2am. Eventually tired, I ended up in bed by 3am. I barely slept but because of a new and unpleasant experience. It was as if there was a party in my bedroom. I heard an ocean of voices, like one hundred plus. There was also really loud music. Eye’s wide open or shut, I could hear something that I was not supposed to, not connected to and it was scary. There was no party near by last night, noone in my flat.It was a powerful hallucination.
When will it end? Will it ever end? What is it all about? I don’t want to be scared anymore.