Colour

The, “N” words,
Nigger or Negro,
Shot, Shot!
The, “B” word,
Black,
Shot!
The, “C” word,
Coloured,
Shot!
Words are just words,
Yet the intension of how they are said,
Delivered with clarity,
Doused with…
Venom,
And…
Spite,
They are as powerful as a bullet to the head!
Shot, shot, shot shot!
Is this what you see when you look at me?
What you think I am?
How you describe me?
Yes,
I am black and proud,
If asked to describe me physically,
Is colour the first thing that springs to mind?
Surely you understand that such language and choice of words like those above,
That is derogative and uncalled for!?
You can pretty them up,
In songs or rap,
Say them about me behind my back,
Hurl them at me in a racist attack,
But such strategies are wack,
You have to understand that I am black,
And I am proud of that,
Because the colour of my skin is part of me,
I was born with it,
It is part of my identity,
But not everything about me.
Prejudice and racism has not ceased it is still very much here,
Not just a part of our past or old tainted wives tales that you may hear,
But if you open your eyes and mind,
You will soon discover that the colour of my skin should not trigger fear.
Despite the colour of our exterior,
Our skin,
We are all just human beings.
I look in the mirror and just see me,
Not my colour,
I look deeper then that,
Trying to find the overall beauty,
Outside and in,
Strip off our skin,
We are all the same within,
So why fight one another?
There is so much cruelty, trauma, hate and sin in this world,
I want no part of it.
I don’t want revenge for those tortured, mistreated and killed because they look like me,
But I do want mercy and reconciliation,
Or it was all for nothing
I acknowledge the past,
And I will always remember those that suffered for equality,
I recognise that the scale of injustice and mistreatment has decreased dramatically,
But I shudder and weep when I study black history,
Rage when I think of all of the lives lost to death and slavery,
Just because of biology and anatomy!
I want to hold my head up high,
In silent protest,
And make the most of this life given to me.
I am privileged,
Lucky to have been born in a more equal part of the world,
Lucky to have been born at this time,
But that luck does not help starving babies in third world countries,
Black children getting less education,
Black teenagers peer pressured into gangs,
Black men being put into prison for just being black,
Black women being raped for just being black,
Just because the devil only see’s their colour,
Forgets that their lives matter,
People even up to now,
They don’t acknowledge that black lives matter.
For those of us with sight,
We are fortunate to see colour,
What a beautiful gift,
Only to be spoiled by the need of power,
Tainted,
And bruised,
Wasted due to inferiority.
Freedom,
That was rightfully ours,
And when I say ours,
I mean all of ours,
But was taken away,
Oblige or die,
Commands and decisions made by self appointed radicalists,
Every knock,
Every bump,
Every push,
Every whip,
My ancestors got back up
And they fought,
And they earned their freedom,
Tested again and again!
I would not be here if it were not for them!
I thank them,
And carry our torch with pride.
When I look at you,
I don’t see colour,
When I look at myself,
I just see me.
I hope that one day,
It can be like that for everybody.
If you pass me on the street and you think my life does not matter because of the colour of my skin?
Do yourself a favour,
Keep your thoughts within,
Button up those lips,
Clench your fists,
And just keep walking,
Because this world is not yours alone,
And my life is not yours to take,
Black lives matter,
Whether you agree or not,
Keep those racist and hurtful thoughts to yourself,
They are your thoughts of harm and pain,
Your problem to contend with,
This planet is for all of us to share!
Join us all,
Or quietly go elsewhere.
This is not a dictatorship?
But a vision to rule out segregation,
An invitation for all of us to be united as one in civilisation,
To include,
Not excluse,
Because of what you look like,
Or where you come from!
Man or Woman,
Black or White,
Gay or Straight,
Christian or Muslim,
Anything goes,
As long as you have a good soul,
Practice in acceptance,
Then there should be no grievance.

Let history stay in the past, let us learn from today, and share in the future.

Life is hard for many people, usually very hard for people who are different and diverse. It has always been that way, and although there has been some positive change over the thousands and thousands of years since the human race began, ignorance and fear still breeds terror and prejudice! We are judged, marked and labelled from the day we are born. Put into categories from the moment that we take our first breath!
This life is hard and hard for many. Some people are luckier then others, they have a status, are of high class, have security in fortune, access to the best education, looks, love, wealth, brains, opportunities, all in their favour. I loose no sleep for them. I have nightmares about people of colour being abused, wrongfully judged, accused and killed by racists because of their skin tone. Homosexual’s being hung for their sexuality. Transgender’s not fitting into the mainstream categories and therefor being ostracised. Lady’s in Burka’s being feared by western society. Disabled children being bullied for being different. People who have been raped by other’s that believe they are superior. The mentally ill who are stigmatised for being dangerous to others.
This world was clearly built for some but not for others, it is just messed up! Yet we are all stuck on the same planet, if we can’t all get along, perhaps we aren’t trying hard enough. We cannot even manage to agree to disagree or turn a blind eye. This question is for the diverse, “Do we put up and shut up” or “Fight for our rights”?
I choose to exercise my freedom of speech. The world can be a dangerous, cruel and lonely place. I represent black young women. I represent women in general. I represent the black and British. I represent people from and in Britain. I represent people with mental health problems. I represent the people, people who are both emotionally and academically clever enough to realise and accept that being different and being a minority does not necessarily a bad person or criminal make. I believe in individuality. I admire people who know themselves, who are true to themselves.
Life is about more then selfies and reality television. It is and always has been survival of the fittest. If religion soothes you and you do not force it upon another, then fine. If alcohol is your poison and you can manage to consume it in moderation, fine. If you prefer holistic to western medicine, fine. The point is, each to their own. We are not robots. We all get one life and we can waste it or utilise it to the best of our abilities. A lot of people are fortunate enough to create their own paths. Of cause nature and nurture play their parts and chance might limit you, but as we have our own bodies, our own hearts, our own brains, I wish we could all make, “The right” and “fair” decisions, but history repeats itself time and time again. We keep making the same mistakes and as a mass population, learn absolutely nothing along the way.
People may think me selfish, wittering on about depression when there are wars going on out there, people dying at the hands of others everyday. Poverty. Rape. Slavery. Abuse. Crime. If someone had a blog about having cancer and dying, and there are people dying everyday, would you think them selfish? If someone made a blog about having a miscarriage, when the world is already crowded and overpopulated, would you find their pain unjust? If someone made a blog about a chocolate addiction, when there are people dying of starvation, would you think them selfish? If yes, you and I are polar opposites. I don’t think anyone reading this would say yes, I think you get my point, as would many more, only if I could reach them!
You are entitled to your own opinion and as long as you do not enforce that opinion upon others, I believe that is fair. It isn’t that easy though, not when the media or religion or culture brain wash you to keep us all in order, manipulate you to make you feel a certain way and receive information in a certain way.
It is hard to grasp certain information when it is hurtled at you in desensitised bullet points. I blog, vlog, write and share my story because I am experiencing something very real, something dark and uncertain. The realities of mental health are serious, it often leads to self harm, outward harm and suicide. It happens. When tragedies occur, like murder or crime, huge chunks of the story are left out, altered and filtered out to the public with the intention of causing shock, horror and fear. Which spirals into hate crime, riots and segregation. Bad mental health, mental illness, it can lead to the likes of crime, substance abuse, suicide and murder, but it most definitely isn’t all about that! Intervention should be put into place way before that. Only why would people admit to having bad mental health when most of society’s preconceptions and the connotations are all negative? Why confess to feeling something that could ultimately get you locked up, make you loose your job, your home, your family? People are ashamed, people are in hiding and reluctant to seek help out of fear. Other’s may not even recognise their symptoms because most of the information to do with mental health out there tends to focus on events at the end of the line, not from the beginning, the symptoms, the traits to look out for etc. Most of the accessible information is clinical, all from a text book, or a specialist who is qualified enough to know all the right answers, but shows no compassion or empathy regarding the delicate issue because he/she cannot personally relate, therefor researched results often come up negative, which makes people ashamed.
I am keeping it real when I share with you. No secrets spared. This entire website, my Facebook Page, Twitter, YouTube, all come under, “adiaryfromnoone” and it is all personal, no filter, no fabrication. My reasoning is to stop the stigma and taboo’s but also to allow people to realise that no one is exempt from mental illness. It is more common then you think, not always as harrowing as the media may portray and actually quite common and all around us! If we don’t share, evaluate and reevaluate, how will we ever learn? How can we expect change? My voice is small but my message is strong. If you read this blog, please share it with someone, lets get people talking, get people acknowledging and stop running!
Let history stay in the past, but always remember. Let us learn from today, improving on what we knew before. Let us share in the future, in order to grow.

Fatty McFatty

I have gotten fat again,
So I am eating crap again!
Why is this lesson so hard to learn?
I prefer the blurred lines,
Distorted vision,
An inaccurate mosaique of darkness and reds,
When I cultivate and project the demons from inside my head.
My eyes long to see the girl that I was,
Not the creature that I have become,
Solid,
Chunky,
Fat, Fat, Fat,
Disgusting round and large,
A full figure that I cannot camouflage.
The tablets that I take,
Encourage and provoke weight gain,
Blow up your frame,
And change peoples perceptions of you.
Someone I know once said that I look like Precious (Gabourey Sidibe),
A ridiculous notion,
I was a size twelve at the time,
Always curvey,
But proud.
Now that statement forever haunts me,
As I fill out in all the wrong places,
Get heavier,
Feel heavier,
My paranoia is conformed as I see horror in peoples faces,
They think it true,
That I do,
look like precious,
And now I feel,
that I do.
The actress I speak of is content with her weight,
She says she is happy,
She works it,
She is living the dream,
Her size works for her.
I don’t mean to hate but I honestly do despise her now,
Because when I look into the mirror,
I see her,
I hate her,
She is not who I want to see or be!
She is not me,
And I am sure she wouldn’t want to be.
A skinny girl in a fat chicks body,
I worry about bullies and my health.
If you can own it,
Like and accept it,
Work it!
I dream of anorexia,
I wretch after I eat,
Wishing for one step further,
But cannot,
And so from bulimia I retreat.
I hide from the camera,
The stage,
The spotlights.
I don’t want to be called bubbly,
To be told that I have more to love.
I want to wear my old clothes,
To languish in vanity.
I diet,
I exercise,
No matter what I do,
Thirteen to sixteen tablets a day will have this effect on you.
I am short, crazy and fat,
If you’ll accept me for that,
Maybe I could handle that,
Think more about my health and wellbeing,
Then achieving and being a size “0”,
Which I have never been.
Please take everything into consideration and don’t be mean,
I inflict enough pain on to myself,
Without you adding to the mix.
Words do hurt,
The audible ones that you throw at me with received pronunciation,
Even the looks that you throw at me with silent communication.
Just leave me be.
You provoke frustration by inflicting intimidation.
Where your motivation comes from I do not know,
But your torture won’t make me thin so,
Come forth with love,
Or take a step back,
My physicality does not effect your reality,
And if I was well,
I think we would need to assess your mentality,
Not mine!