Poorly Chest…

You want me to take full responsibility for smoking, yet you will not listen to my reasons why, the symptoms of my concern or anything that I say. You expect my respect because you are a qualified, ” DOCTOR”. In my opinion, this tittle does not warrant such expectations. I respect people who have the patience to converse and not just dictate. I respect people that give equal opportunities to all. I respect people who listen and not just assume. I respect people who have the ability to empathise.
The NHS BSMHT and I assume many other regions, have issued a smokefree ban, the reasoning behind this, I would like to believe had all patients best interests at heart but an organisation that exists because of vulnerable people, designed to provide help for such people, should still not have the authority to dictate what leagul habits may and may not take place in people’s lives. The environment of institutionalisation is stressful enough as it is! Quitting smoking is an intense challenge to engage in, most affective when the individual wants to. Forcing people who may be sectioned or detained by the mental health act is a barbaric strategy. In my case, the ban and all of it’s generic and outdated reasoning and nicotine replacements, have actually sent me backwards and I will not take full responsibility for this!
I have Spoken about this a few times now, shared my story re. Smoking. In short I had willingly given up and replaced the habit with vaping, and had managed to succeed in this without medical aid. The mental health hospital that I am in (Oleaster, Queen Elizabeth, Birmingham) would not let me vape, even pure ejuice with 0 nicotine! I was not allowed outside, and so I accepted all of the nicotine replacements available. 50 hrs later, upon release, I discovered that my vape no longer did the trick! Once satisfying, it had lost its kick. I then felt like I needed to go back to cigarettes for satisfaction. I now have a cold and some kind of chest infection.
I have been physically ill the past few days. Unable to stop coughing and wheezing . I have been hot and cold. This morning I threw up straight after medication and could not stomach my breakfast, only to be told that I shouldn’t flush and show a nurse next time! I had been asking for the doctor for days, he finally came and said that my observations were fine! Well they hadn’t been checked in twelve hours and although my temperature was high the night before but fine this morning, he didn’t check himself. He just said smoking is bad for you! Really!? I wonder how many years he trained to discover that theory!?
My point is, smoking may well be the cause of my symptoms but the symptoms need remedy regardless. He offered none. I am cross at him, the system, the ban and myself. Yet I am the only one who is suffering.
The mental health trust says that it supports patients in giving up smoking with NRT’s (Nicotine Replacement Therapy) such as inhulators and patches but also talking therapy and hands on support. In my experience, they just load you up with replacements and send you on your way. This layed back approach seriously needs to change before the patients protest and riot for their rights!
With the right support, I would be happy to quit again! Smoking stinks, is bad for your insides and outs, and ridiculously expensive. If I had, had the right support, the kind of support that the NHS Mental Health Trust says that they provide, I would be richer and healthier at present. All the while, patients without leave are absolutely climbing the walls.
Some staff smoke themselves and some don’t. Some staff show empathy and others don’t. Regardless of opinion, smoke withdrawal should be treated as sensitively as drug withdrawal, when in the confinement’s of hospital!

Struggles With Voices Are The Worst!

When you are down, low and insecure, there is nothing worse then the added pressure of hearing voices. For the reader’s that have never experienced psychosis, imagine wanting complete quiet but you have two people shouting into each ear at the same time, plus the radio on full volume, the TV on full volume and the piercing sound of all electricity, the lights, heating, just a volcano of noise that you cannot control or ignore. Plus everything being said is critical, condescending and demanding of you. That is the best way that I can describe my experience of hearing voices. It is agonising and can lead to catastrophic consequences’. I may be happy one second and then like a smack in the face, it can all come on and all at once. I can have the cleanest diet, be alcohol free, exercise daily, distract myself with music, poetry, TV, whatever. I could go on a heavy night out, drink all night, socialise and dance. I can be stuck in bed for days. I keep trying to diagnose my own triggers and think that is where I am going wrong. Such symptoms are simply part of my illness, what I do does not determine a relapse, it is just the nature of my illness. I take my medication, communicate with support but neither or are cures, they are just put in place to decrease such symptoms, not eradicate them. This is an acceptable theory upon reflection but not helpful at all when in the moment. I just want to switch off for a bit.

Buzzzzzzzzzzz!
Buzzzzzzzzzzz!
Swish!
Swash!
Swish!
Can you hear it?
Buzzzzzzzzzzz!
Buzzzzzzzzzzz!
Swish!
Swash!
Swish!
Can you hear it?
I can!
I am sick of it!
It’s not as it may seem,
The noise I mean.
It is like tuning into a radio station,
Before they went digital!
Nonsensical sound waves,
They then commit,
Translate,
And strongly exist…
Listen to me!
Listen to me!
Oi,
Jade,
Listen!
Seriously,
Can you not hear it?
I can!
It goes on and on,
And on and on,
Intense,
Overpowering,
Tightening,
Instructing and demanding.
I hear it!
I cannot turn it down.
Where’s the mute button?
The stop button.
They say they will,
If I succumb.
You are insignificant!
You are unworthy!
You are vermin!
You have the stench of death about you!
People would be better off without you!
You are no one special.
Pigeons are like Rats with wings,
You are like a rat with two legs.
A pest!
Get over yourself,
Everyone around you,
Strangers that meet you,
Loved ones too,
They don’t want you,
You know it’s true.
Darkness and gloom seeps in and out of your nostrils,
What you inhale is pure,
But release is deadly!
So I unwillingly spread darkness?
Make it stop?
No one wants you around,
It doesn’t have to be said!
Just read between the lines,
You are an unwanted inbred.
No one wants a burden,
You’d be better off dead!
You can try to keep up.
You can try and beat it,
Defeat it,
But is there any point?
Weighing people down,
Bringing people down,
Drowning and gagged,
Sinking deeper and deeper,
Let go and release them,
Everyone and thing you touch ends up in disaster,
Your darkness spreads like fire!
So let them all go,
Or they’ll all burn with you!