A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #reflection

Fat Disguise

I didn’t recognise you,
You brushed away your tears,
And flashed a slight smile,
If you hadn’t done that,
Initiated some form of contact,
I would have walked straight past.
Still looking youthful,
Yet an ora of tiredness,
Your face much rounder than before.
Large breasts,
Extra large tummy,
Extra extra large thighs,
From head to toe you look bigger and bigger.
Your once slight figure,
Now doubled in size,
Quadrupled in size,
Who’s been eating all the pies?
All that fat is like a disguise,
I knew you once so very well,
Forgive me for saying so,
But now you look as unhealthy as hell.
Staring back hard,
I wanted you to walk away,
You’re dramatic change in appearance,
Had me lost for words,
I didn’t know what to say,
Perhaps just a smile in return?
On the same page,
You did the same,
At exactly the same time,
Then I realised you weren’t an old friend of mine,
There was no other way to define,
You were a reflection of mine!

I Know

I whisper,

But my message is strong,

From witness,

And endurance,

From my sole,

I sing our song.

I step forward,

To escape where I am coming from,

But overcome with stillness,

I cannot transit in the right direction.

Shattered glass,

That stranger is not my reflection,

Not even a resemblance,

My cocoon now a burden,

Heavy,

Fragile,

And old,

I cannot manoeuvre this creature that is apparently I,

And even get out of bed.

I feel alone in a room full of people,

I once bloomed under the spotlights,

And waltzed around the room,

Charming,

And delightful,

But this spiteful cognitive impediment,

Grows by the day,

All consuming,

Leaving me changed,

My old self defied the law of gravity,

Evaporation seemingly permanent,

Just drifted away one day,

But my soul,

Thoughts,

Emotions,

Still weigh heavily,

Anchored.

My intentions to comfort others,

Rather than seek Solace,

Are a selfless and natural act.

Retribution from a past life perhaps,

Have lead me down this long and winding path.

I know pain,

I know anxiety,

I know depression,

I know psychosis,

I know dissociation,

I know BPD,

I know ADHD,

I know.

If the endurance of this suffering has one silver lining,

It means that I can hear you without judgement,

I offer you my hand,

You can lean on my shoulder,

And together we can soldier you through to the next chapter.

I must physically let you go at this stage,

Let you take flight,

To help yourself and others fight,

But will think of you always,

As what we share,

Enables a deep connection,

A bond that cannot be broken,

Makes us one,

Dancing out 2017

Sitting on the frosted curb,
Left with a sprinkle of premature December snow,
Whilst delicately seperating my festive mince pie,
Like breaking bread in church,
Preparing bite size portions,
In order to waste not,
And leave not,
A telling trail of crumbs and succulent fruit.
Tis Yuletide once more!
2017 has passed with the lightening speed of a Polaroid camera flash,
Had me Waltzing around the ballroom,
Frantically changing style,
The purposeful march of the Tango,
The military Quick Step,
The merriment of Jive,
Freestyle contemporary,
Dirty Meringue,
Repetative schottische,
The Rumba in my feet,
The Samba in my mind,
Picking up pace,
And then falling behind,
The manic Quick Step,
And monotonous Two Step,
Frozen in the Spotlight,
And dancing in the rain,
All in twelve months,
My very own,
“Marathon ’33” endurance test,
Bewildered at how I ended up in this wretched contest!?
Competing with my past,
Struggling in the present,
Unenthusiastic about the future,
Fatigue engulfing both my body and mind,
Whilst the other contendors race ahead,
Leaving me behind.
Finally,
I sit,
I notice that my bruised and swollen feet,
Pang in tune with the beat of my mirroring heart,
My exterior,
In this delicate moment,
Where I have stolen a moment,
To stop,
Paints a picture of a tired,
Yet recovering soul,
But let it fool you not,
As I am still stuck down the rabbit hole,
It is here when I decide whether I want to crawl out,
And I do,
Without a shadow of a doubt,
But tis a complicated process,
I cannot merely scream and shout,
Rely fully on others to get me out,
But your love,
Support,
Empathy,
Consideration,
Patience,
And understanding,
Would help the log fire of my being,
Not fully burn out,
Give me the motivation to get up,
And keep dancing it out,
Demanding change,
As I dance free of the chains,
That have held me captive this 2017.

My Condition…

I have a condition,
I am super skinny,
Fit,
And beautiful.
When I look in the mirror,
My reflection is wrong!
When people comment on my weight,
Their opinions are wrong!
When I get on the scales,
The numbers are wrong!
I am not big boned,
I am strong!
I am not fat,
I am simply perfect!
Every man’s wet dream!
All women are green eyed with envy,
When they look at me!
This is self diagnosed,
And perhaps delusional,
But if I believe in it enough,
It may actually,
Truely become my condition!

Ending My Life…

By the roadside,
I ponder,
Trying to process,
Each thought like a knife in my chest!
I would openly confess,
They need not interrogate me like I am under arrest,
All is unclear,
Time lost.
I cannot remember before,
I am struggling with today,
And fearful of tomorrow,
Carrying my heavy burden of sorrow.
I was fast,
I was quick,
Gliding down the motorway,
I ran out of fuel,
Landed on a side road,
Out of harms way.
Blinkers on,
But no power to carry on.
My phone has full battery,
But I have no one to call.
Looking down,
I see my seat belt on,
This sequity measure assures me that this was not planned,
I am guessing that I was on a mission,
Definitely going forward,
And in a second,
It ended,
My purpose,
My focus,
My control,
My goal,
Just stiff and numb,
Everything stopped,
Time,
Sound,
Smell,
Stuck in my own personal hell,
Left with slight feeling,
And full sight.
Looking into the mirror,
My reflection does not look right,
Looking older than my years,
Fading away,
Out of fight.
My bare feet on the cold ground,
I feel the vibration of a large vehicle drawing close,
The headlights are bright,
Intense without sound.
I step into the light,
Immediately ending all of my pain and strife,
Subsequently ending my life.

You Fat Cow 🐮

Do something about it!
I know all about it,
I don’t need you to speak of it,
Or shout it!
I got scales all over my body,
That’s why I ain’t with nobody.
A skinny girl in a fat woman’s body,
My reflection is distorted,
I don’t know this body.
I fantasise all day long,
About physically changing from what I am now,
Which is wrong.
It’s the tablets that have changed my physicality,
But taking them is essential,
A practicality.
I got fat stashed,
Like a millionaire has cash,
Five foot two and nowhere to hide it.
From my head to my chest and my knees and feet,
Weight has conquered,
I admit my defeat.
They say beauty comes from within,
But we know that’s a lie,
Who are they kidding!

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