A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #reality

Shells Of Egg…

In a tangled web,
With shells of egg,
I fear where exactly I should tread,
Unbalanced from clouded dread,
Struggling to interpret the silence of forbidden hushed words unsaid.

Please check out No One’s Lounge, a sparkling and brand new mental health chat show, via my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone created by yours truly. In order to embrace and fully understand mental illness, we must open up, talk and learn from one another, knowledge is power!!! Let’s disregard the stigma attached to the taboo subject of mental health…

No One’s Lounge: Christmas Pilot Trailer

For those of you that suffer from ill physical and/or ill mental health and just cannot get out and about.
For those of you with restrictive anxiety that holds you back from communicating with friends or family.
For those of you with crippling depression that holds you captive in your own home.
On behalf of those that are homeless and on the streets with no security or food to eat.
On behalf of the elderly whom are lonely and seemingly forgotten.
On behalf of children and young people in foster care with no loyal, loving and supportive family.
On behalf of substance abusers that cannot break their cycle of bad habits.
On behalf of the mentally ill whom are institutionalised, suicidal, lonesome and feeling insignificant.
I spare a thought of kindness for you all.
I empathise.
I recognise.
I accept and do not reject you.
This pilot is mostly about Christmas,yet I acknowledge that the above does not only exist at this festive time, in fact things for these people probably escalate at this time! I have been institutionalised at Christmas, unwell at Christmas and my eyes are open to all of it. I acknowledge you.
No One’s Lounge is a chat show for people whom feel like they miss out on going out and being entertained, and miss out on meaningful conversation. From my lounge, directly to yours, I want to discuss the vast spectrum of ill mental health whilst also enjoying live entertainment.
I need a producer, financial support and public acknowledgement. Put all three together and we will have a very good season on our hands 🤞 please watch the pilot, subscribe and look out for the full episode, December 24th 🎅❤🎅

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes…

Why do we still set ourselves up?
To fail,
To fall,
To disappoint?
It’s no wonder that there has been an increase in stress and depression,
Whilst we contend with this obsession,
Of wrapping up the future in cotton wool.
Why have we not yet learnt,
That no lasting good reigns from being corrupt!?
Sugar is the Devil,
And only morons dare wear its coat!
It’s inevitable that we shall fall,
Fail,
And disappoint,
When we are inundated by lies and deceit,
From the very moment we take our first breath.
When eventually in receipt of the truth,
It is no wonder our worlds cave in,
Leaving us unfulfilled.
Micro managed via politics and money,
Man made ideals,
Man made rules,
That manipulate,
Build and dictate society,
We simply must conform,
Follow suit,
Abide,
And engage in reproduction.
Yet there is no Prince Charming or Fairy Godmother,
The human fuel to children’s dreams,
Tarnish those distributed by the sandman,
As adults,
We know this,
So why do we bother!?
Despite the catchy tune,
Even lullaby’s,
And Fairy Tale’s,
Are all rubbish and lies,
Heads,
Shoulders,
Knees,
And toes,
Is not actually about where your hand goes,
But preparation for all of the woes,
That we will surely face past puberty,
When the make believe stories loose their security,
We shall have overwhelmed heads,
Weight on our shoulders,
Fall to our knees,
From our down trodden toes,
Because life is not what we once thought it to be,
The way it was portrayed and told to be,
It will most likely end up nothing like your fantasy,
No rainbows and magic,
What an anti climax,
How tragic!
Real life is rarely like what dreams are made of,
But more of a living nightmare,
Full of pain,
Disappointment,
And despair,
The boogie man is not under your bed,
His everywhere.

The Vulnerable Seem To Suffer The Most

There is nothing worse then the feeling of being unheard, dismissed and passed around in an unpleasant circle of pain, despair and wasted time! I don’t want to complain, I am acknowledged in the mental health system, I do receive continuous care which I am aware is luckier then most! I am not ungrateful, I appreciate the care in which I receive but when I fall, I fall hard and unfortunately feel that either I am not helped at all or helped to late. There are numbers to call, people to speak to but rarely instantly and when in crisis, time is of the essence! I do not talk of suicide lightly but the rates are high and I believe that a lack of instant intervention is the reason why. Like myself, there are many vulnerable people out there. It is understandable when friends and family cannot understand the realms of mental health and more importantly crisis but not acceptable when the professionals paid to help, simply don’t. I have lost faith in the mental health system, so much so that I am growing tired of reaching out and baring my soul because it is emotionally exhausting and seems to get me nowhere. I could be doused in petrol and rolling around in flames and still get overlooked.
I have tried to tell the help about my symptoms that have escalated, the reason why I believe they have and absolutely nothing has been done to pacify, comfort or help me. They have nothing new to offer, nothing helpful, hopeful or of any use. I don’t expect a miracle or an easy ride. I am willing to graft, I am fighting every single day, every hour and every minute anyway! I seek help but remain disappointed.
Depression is horrific and intense, having an overwhelming feeling of self loathing and insignificance, when smiles are fake, tears are heavy and your energy is drained.
Anxiety has you physically shaking, gasping for air and an overwhelming feeling of suffocation, which instigates panic.
Borderline, Personality Disorder has you dragged up and down an unstoppable and unstable scale of uncertainty and instability. There are moments of mania and moments of horrendous lows. There are moments of numbness and moments of piercing pain. I, having no control over how I feel and why I feel it, endure a spiral of rational,irrational, emotional and unemotional outbursts. I have an inability to regulate emotions, but I try my hardest to monitor and therefor recognise symptoms before the storm, or at least throughout. I continuously end up in a constant battle with myself!. I do everything I can to stay well. I Take my medication. I engage with appointed help. I document my triggers in order to find patterns that may be telling in the future. I continuously try to distract myself from over analysing or from unwanted psychosis but the reality is, I am vulnerable. I am emotionally unstable and a normal day to others is no longer a normal day for me. My days mostly consist of emotional turmoil. A bump in the road to others may be catastrophic to me. Having a simple idea may escalate to intense euphoria and unrealistic idealisation. An awful lot of emotions run through my veins and I surf from rational to irrational in an erratic synchronisation with a pendulum. I tiptoe on the thin line of sanity and insanity. I loath my forever changing reflection and look upon professionals for protection whilst I endure an infinity of pain.
I think back fondly of the days when I was able to get by and cry with regret that those days are over. Until you have endured the excruciating and life shattering whirlwind of psychosis, you will never fully understand it. You can read about it, listen to the testimonies of those that have suffered but still have no idea of the strength, pain and power of the combination of my woes unless you to, endure it! I would wish it upon no one.
I apologise to all that I confuse and hurt by my honest declarations’ but do so to make other sufferers feel some comfort in knowing that they are not alone, and to give the professionals some substance to work with. Although I have given this website to around forty plus professionals and I would be surprised if even 2% have bothered to log in!
You can try to convince me that the voices are not real, tell me to tell them to #### off but that would only result in me looking more insane and add fuel to the fire. It seems acceptable to hurt ones self and redeemed safe if I am not a physical threat or violent towards others. This notion is bizarre to me and adds to the fuel of me feeling insignificant.
You don’t need to fear me but I fear myself. I am scared at how easily I am effected and disrupted by the behaviour of others. I am scared that when irrational I may one day succeed in taking my own life and leave my loved ones perhaps ahead of time, especially my sister. I am scared that I will never be free of this pain, suffering and these vile symptoms. I am scared that I will never achieve anything again. I am scared that I will never be understood and loved romantically by a man when I have such unpredictable baggage. I am scared that I will never become a mother. I am scared that I may succeed in suicide, because it seems like the only true route to escape this burden. A lifetime of this!? I am scared that I do not have the strength to endure it. I am scared that my purpose is to die in honour of others that need saving. I long for peace, calm and silence. I wish to be helped. Why do the vulnerable ones always seem to suffer the most!?
I am reckless at times, because I want to feel alive, forget all of this pain, be careless and free, to enjoy some time without negativity, to trick my mind into believing that I am happy. I think this is why alot of borderlines have drug and alcohol addictions. For the most part, creativity is my vice but I would probably try anything right now, just to feel warm and nice! Not rotten, cold inside and full of dread, with an enormous rodent running wild and spreading poison in my head.
Perhaps delusional but I have a feeling that one day my words will be discovered, used for good purpose, be quoted and recognised but I will be here no longer. What will be will be. People have said that they find comfort in my honesty, beauty and sadness in my poetry and often learn from my blogs. This illness will live on way beyond my existence, regardless to when I die. I can only hope it will be received and dealt with more sensitively in years to come. I think of the young ones who are suffering, hormones on top of all the rest. I write to help and educate everyone but always have the youngers at the forefront of my mind. Please help me raise awareness by sharing any of my work with people that you feel may benefit from reading what is essentially an enormous autobiographical dissertation on the realms of living with severe mental health problems and the trials and tribulations of survival, with creative and poetic undertones’, documented from 2013 for the unforeseeable future. A literacy version of reality TV, for those that prefer to read. This site and all within it comes from the truth and nothing but the truth of, No One!

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