I go from 100 to 0 within less then 24hrs every single day. I often still manage to smile but it only lasts a short while. When in good spirits with good people, it is often as if my sadness does not exist. When alone, I busy myself with this site and other things such like. Then there are dark times when I cannot bring myself to be around other people because emotions are contagious and I don’t want to bring other people down. Sometimes I reach out to people but people are busy with their own problems, happiness and general lives. What did I do so wrong to deserve this hex, this curse that aches my heart and burns my soul!? I feel deflated, defeated and cannot get did of this dark cloud that looms above my head, weighs down my shoulders and vacuums all of the goodness from within me. What kind of life am I living!? How can I keep the beast at bay? I try so very hard to live and fit into this world but I must confess how overwhelming it is. I sit and I cry. From the outside in I probably look a little distant at times, but if you could see inside. See the floors in the mechanics of my mind. Hear the constant war from inside my head. Asphyxiated by psychosis, anxiety and depression. When will it stop? When will I be able? I like it best when I sleep, sleep with a steady heartbeat and dream of being free. I awake to the nightmare of my reality and often wish that I did not wake at all. Some people live in a bubble, somewhere light and free. I habitate in a cold and dark, rotting cell. Little steps like a baby, I try to move forward and recover but I keep falling, keep failing and lagging behind. When I manage to keep up and stay on top, there are moments when I forget my ill health. Then I come crashing back down, hitting the ground hard, as gravity holds me down. All hopes and dreams of really living cease as goblins feast on my spirit and mood, swallowing anything good, whole. I cling on for the people I love, the people that I hate, not for myself, who would want to cling onto this! Is it something to do with the world being balanced? Did I just get the bad deal? I don’t understand why I feel the way I am feeling and I would never wish it upon anyone else.