Great Britain isn’t Great for all!

Great Britain is not so great close up. What do I know? After all I am Black British, not just British straight up and certainly not the top of the crop; White British! Should I be greatful to have British in my tittle at all? That would be naive. Should I beg for all of man kind to open their eyes but close their prejudice, close their racist and just see and hear me, no preconceptions, no mask, no makeup no autosound. I’m lost, I have no identity because the truth is unravelling and I realise that I have been blind, I have misheard and struggled with understanding my entire life! I thought most of racism (at leat in the so-called developed country that I have only ever known as my home) washed out with the abolishment of slavery. My ancestors took lashings and so generations to come could be free. My beloved grandparents basically came to this country in receipt of an invitation, an opportunity to better themselves, to walk the golden patched streets of Great Britain, to be close to their Queen, to start a fresh and be the very best, but there was no mention of hardship, ungratefulness, social and racial disparity, brutality, beatings and rushes uncalled for, “No Black’s, No Dogs, No Irish”. My family took it, for the likes of me and the youngers and in my eyes, there was vast room for improvement still but The beautiful family orientated Christmas Sainsbury’s advert 2020; Diversity (dance group) BGT 2020 dance interpretation of the pandemic and murder of Mr George Floyd has opened up a war of complaints, hidden behind letters and computer screens, those cowards and trolls are catapulting society backwards. This was not Martin Luther Kings dream and it is not mine. My heads been in the clouds. I cannot handle the truth, I wish it was still there!
Black, Brown, Women of colour praying their babies will be a shade lighter to ensure their children have a better future, that is what it has come to!
So my black ass explains why I’m a failure, riddled with mental illness because all of the rejection and abandonment that I have endured/received/encountered. Turns out most of which was out of my control. My fate was sealed from conception. Two black parents. Ontop I was as dark as can be. So people have thought themselves better, me not good enough, I just could not think why, it appears I missed the obvious. I’m tuned in now, I feel the weight, I feel the pain. I am too crushed to fly the flag, ignite the torch and fight.
A few marches this year, does not cut it. A few news reports when nothing is resolved and the full truth is held back, undisclosed. An apology to me. There is an awful lot of work to be done to make things fair. We don’t want glitz and glamour, elaborate attempts of showing change. We just want it to happen, to be accepted as fellow mankind, out and proud and behibd closed doors too,but I’m personally loosing faith, not because it is too late but perhaps because it was never truely possible at all!

All over the TV

This girl can bare the character of many faces, Believe me she’s going places, On the right path she’s going to the top,
She ain’t never gonna stop.
Her big dream,
Achievable,
Not a fantasy,
Reality,
This is her destiny.
All the bumps fuel the pumps of ignition,
She’s wound up and ready to go, Despite many attempts of ruining her flow,
You supported her she needed that,
But now all is lost,
To the debt of a mighty cost, Once proud now ashamed and distant practically lost.
I never meant to embarrass you, I never meant to let you down,
I never took away all the air,
I never wanted to drown.
Now so many have surpassed me,
I see them all over TV,
Whilst I stay back suffering from mental fragility,
I know the top is a place,
A place that has no room or space for a loser like me,
Mentally fit and positively different I wish it could be, I’ll be the one on the box for all to see,
I’ll be the one making you proud cashing in the money,
And because I’m not,
You’ve forgotten how to love me,
I never needed you back then when I was independent and strong,
I was on the right path on the right track and knew where I belong,
Out of everything that I’ve lost what saddens me the most is losing you,
I’m truly sorry for any pain or torture I put you through,
I wish you understood that my mental instability is not not a path that I would have chosen for me or to hurt you,
BPD is not what I ever believed I had,
Would ruin me,
Ouch this path pains me,
More than it does you,
It’s true,
And no matter what though,
I love you.

Performing…

I thought that spoken word was so easy,
That being myself was the best kind of performing,
Because you write your own script,
Direct,
Produce,
Visualise,
Create,
Everything yourself,
But I fear that I may have been mistaken.
Performing is performing,
And performing I love you,
But my psychosis is now sabotaging my gift of creativity.
When you don’t have a character to hide behind,
Sharing your own art is a very difficult thing to do.
With my acting background,
With my head in the game,
Crowds don’t phase me,
I can deliver,
I like it,
I feel at home on the stage,
But I did not take my honesty into consideration,
My ill health into consideration.
I get so much pleasure from helping others,
Expressing myself creatively,
Reaching out to those curious, similar or exactly like me,
But have absoluteluy no idea how to help myself.
I wish my performance was a play,
But these days I showcase my own life,
And now it is over for a while,
I really feel the pain and strife.
The audience receive a short summary of what my life is like,
When it finishes,
For them it ends,
But I cannot escape my own life!
I didn’t realise at the time,
But I became an actor to take advantage of executing different emotions,
Emotions that as human beings we all need to express and feel,
Being emotionally unstable,
This was a playground for me,
Acting allowed me to play,
Experiment and release,
To feel emotions that we so desperately need to experience to progress,
And grow naturally.
Now speaking spoken word,
With Words That Are Nothing But True,
I have all of these emotions and I simply don’t know what to do.
So for now,
I decided to start with writing to you!
I have no regrets,
Only envy,
Hope helps troubled minds,
But I have been medically informed that my illness will always be a part of me,
With no escape,
A condemned eternity of misery.
A huge cloud now hangs above my destiny,
I am trying to process and accept the character that this makes me,
But this is not the way that I wanted things to be,
And I mustn’t fool myself that what lye’s ahead will be easy.

Pictures…

We put pictures up of the ones that we love,
So where are the pictures of me?
I may not like the way that I look,
But is it any wonder?
Your neglect is affecting me!
Filling me with negativity,
As your actions loudly prove that you do not love me.
Your insensitivity is detrimental to me,
It fuels my psychosis,
Which always leads to crisis.
Perhaps a bit of sensitivity,
Will make your actions less of a liberty.
Just a small declaration from you,
Would prove that you love me,
So you don’t have to say you do.