J

When you sobbed,
I cried for you,
Not realising that I was crying for me to!
Only sixty,
Not old at all,
In our day and age,
But your brain is at such an older stage,
You barely engage,
You get so forgetful,
You are so vulnerable,
Rather more like a child then a lady,
Unable to process,
You come across a little crazy,
But you are so sweet really,
Fraustrating at times,
But impossible to dislike.
Your husband honours your wedding vows,
He is dedicated unconditionally to you,
There to support you,
Committed like clock work,
It must be hard for him,
Having to witness,
As everyday you let a little more go,
He truly loves you so,
He visits and calls you every single day,
I only hope that I will find someone to love me that way.
My family don’t know the half of it,
Where to start,
What to do,
What to say,
I often wonder if they would miss me if I went permanently away?
Always polite,
Never wanting to offend,
Whilst I still can,
I just pretend,
Pretend that I am ok!
Year after year,
As things get worse,
And I have to endure this heartless curse,
A pattern seems to emerge,
I’m well,
Then unwell,
And well again,
But never truly the same,
Qualities get lost,
And I cannot regain,
Whilst circling around this gruelling chain,
Each fall leaves it’s mark,
Dulling my spark,
Regardless of where crisis springs from,
Rational,
Or frequently more so,
Irrational,
The consequences are real,
Not at all fun.
This rollercoaster of peaks and troughs,
Eats away at my heart,
My soul,
My brain,
And I can no longer maintain,
A fruitful life with out pain.
Are you the lady that I am to become?
Except the situation will be worse,
Because I do not have that special someone?
If so,
My future,
Be it long or short,
Is bleak,
I forget all together when I peak,
Hurtling through spells of mania,
But this fear eats away at me when I am weak.
This journey,
Alone,
Without a rock to lean upon,
Is a very sad one,
A life and future of only this,
Is a life not worth living,
That I want to run away from,
And escape!

Anxiety holds me captive

Tomorrow I shall soar the sky like a bird, anxiety fills me, yet in speak of it not and so it is not heard! Flying I enjoy, I just fear my mental health unpredictability!

Whilst watching my favourite show,
My mind is suddenly consumed and I cannot take it in so,
I get distracted by the light peeping through the blinds,
Press mute,
And feast upon watching the day go by,
From light to dark,
It seems to accompany the aches in my heart,
Like a nocturnal beast,
All things black increase,
Attract and pull me from the light.
The street lamp flickers,
Like the distorted pictures,
That flicker like a flip book through my minds eye.
Pulse rate heightened,
Heartbeat on speed,
Psychosis chimes,
Ringing in my ears,
Projecting fears,
Tarnishing my ideas of fun in the sun!
Tomorrow I shall soar the sky like a bird,
Bounce upon the cotton, candy floss balls that mountain high in the sky,
I’ll be closer to loved ones lost,
As we hover around heavens gate,
Transported from one place to another.
Hopefully happy memories we shall make,
But I anticipate anxiously as my mind may make such memories hard to access and discover,
Negativity runs through me,
As it trys to pursue me,
Overtaking all things bright,
And turning them grey.
This demon is always here,
Will he ever disappear?
He blindfolds my eyes and shows me only lies.
He whispers in my ear initiating fear.
He runs through my vane’s and stains every inch of me.
I try my very best to surpress and conceal my woes,
As not to depress, worry or irritate other good souls,
I suffer this torture secretly,
Hold it in discretely,
But worry that it cannot be contained.