Melanin In A Humans Skin…

I feel the pain of my ancestors beating like a drum,
The rhythm of my heart,
I feel the weight of pain and oppression on my shoulders,
And carrying it inevitably contributes to my depression.
I’m lost,
I’m in the dark,
So far, far, far away from where our ancestors expected us to be one day,
When they abolished slavery,
And said that we would all be free!
What a joke!
What a travesty!
The white man mocked them,
They mocked us,
They mocked we,
Including me.
… So an offer of opportunity to better ourselves,
To go to places like England and America,
To get jobs and have a better life than in the Caribbean or Africa,
But then when my ancestors came,
Especially my personal and immediate family to,
“Great Britain”,
Travelling weeks and weeks and weeks over seas,
To reach a wonderful destiny,
Only to face a bleak reality,
Not as much physical contact,
But brutal ridiculing for being black.
“Ou Ou Ou Monkey”,
“Ou Ou Ou Go Back To Your Own Country!”
How dare they!
How dare they?
How dare they!?
We had supposedly equal rights,
The common Wealth,
We were supposed to be received by a welcoming union,
But twas a make believe that we were connected,
And would therefore be accepted.
Chaos and violence as my people were rejected,
Treated like we were infected,
There was nothing wrong with my family,
They were not dirty,
They were not ill,
They were not sick,
They were not bad doers or ill wishers,
They just wanted to be left alone and able to humbly work hard to grow on their own,
To live,
To develop,
To blossom,
They came here to England for better opportunity,
But unfortunately faced a very bitter reality,
And you may wonder why I say WE in 2021,
So far from the 1950’s and The Wind Rush and so on,
But you’d be very niaeve to think that the pain just stops with one person.
It carries on and on and on overtime,
Through generation to generation.
The magnitude of pain that was put upon my fellow brothers and sisters,
My uncles and aunties,
My grandparents and parents,
My cousins,
My family,
Your family,
Our family,
The black people,
Us black people,
We,
People like me.
I wonder if my ill mental health is because I am emotionally in tune,
And therefor I cannot ignore or forget,
The bitter taste bestowed upon people like us,
Like me
There still has not been a grand enough apology,
There is no easy remedy,
They may be able to get a Vaccine out for a deadly virus that spreads and kills,
But there is no Vaccine for prejudice,
And racism,
And stigma,
And Taboo,
Because that is a mindset
And no matter how little teaching they do,
And once a blooming year we have,
Black History Month,
It’s not enough.
There is a process that in unison we must go through,
To move away from our past,
To transition with all loose ends tied up to the here and now,
In the present day,
To move forward and progress to the future.
Right now,
And for sometime now,
The time line is stuck,
And that’s why there is anger,
That is why our pain is triggered,
Nothing has been dealt with and so our pain lingers in the air,
We cannot pretend that we don’t care,
And ignorant oppressors can no longer pretend that we are not there,
Black President,
Black Monarchy,
Many Black Pillars of Society,
See and hear us now,
God Almighty!
Yet we cannot and will not ignore the past
Give out a free pass and move on,
All of a sudden.
Yes the worst are now dead and gone,
But still
Too many of today’s society think they can move,
Speak,
And fight,
Exclude,
Ignore,
Refuse,
Because they have the right,
Being light,
Having white privilege,
To look down on us,
Lie to our faces,
Or even worse,
Hide behind computer screens and offcom complaints,
Disrespecting us,
Trying to shut us down and silence us,
All because of the dark shade of a person’s skin,
Paying absolutely no attention to what is within,
In 2021,
How disgusting!
There is an expectation to not put all people in the same category,
The irony,
Such is the root of racial disparity.
I cannot forgive,
Because racism is still trickling down the system,
I cannot ignore that racism still exists.
With all the knowledge our species has,
How can we as a society,
Still be so transfixed with the melanin in a humans skin!?

Great Britain isn’t Great for all!

Great Britain is not so great close up. What do I know? After all I am Black British, not just British straight up and certainly not the top of the crop; White British! Should I be greatful to have British in my tittle at all? That would be naive. Should I beg for all of man kind to open their eyes but close their prejudice, close their racist and just see and hear me, no preconceptions, no mask, no makeup no autosound. I’m lost, I have no identity because the truth is unravelling and I realise that I have been blind, I have misheard and struggled with understanding my entire life! I thought most of racism (at leat in the so-called developed country that I have only ever known as my home) washed out with the abolishment of slavery. My ancestors took lashings and so generations to come could be free. My beloved grandparents basically came to this country in receipt of an invitation, an opportunity to better themselves, to walk the golden patched streets of Great Britain, to be close to their Queen, to start a fresh and be the very best, but there was no mention of hardship, ungratefulness, social and racial disparity, brutality, beatings and rushes uncalled for, “No Black’s, No Dogs, No Irish”. My family took it, for the likes of me and the youngers and in my eyes, there was vast room for improvement still but The beautiful family orientated Christmas Sainsbury’s advert 2020; Diversity (dance group) BGT 2020 dance interpretation of the pandemic and murder of Mr George Floyd has opened up a war of complaints, hidden behind letters and computer screens, those cowards and trolls are catapulting society backwards. This was not Martin Luther Kings dream and it is not mine. My heads been in the clouds. I cannot handle the truth, I wish it was still there!
Black, Brown, Women of colour praying their babies will be a shade lighter to ensure their children have a better future, that is what it has come to!
So my black ass explains why I’m a failure, riddled with mental illness because all of the rejection and abandonment that I have endured/received/encountered. Turns out most of which was out of my control. My fate was sealed from conception. Two black parents. Ontop I was as dark as can be. So people have thought themselves better, me not good enough, I just could not think why, it appears I missed the obvious. I’m tuned in now, I feel the weight, I feel the pain. I am too crushed to fly the flag, ignite the torch and fight.
A few marches this year, does not cut it. A few news reports when nothing is resolved and the full truth is held back, undisclosed. An apology to me. There is an awful lot of work to be done to make things fair. We don’t want glitz and glamour, elaborate attempts of showing change. We just want it to happen, to be accepted as fellow mankind, out and proud and behibd closed doors too,but I’m personally loosing faith, not because it is too late but perhaps because it was never truely possible at all!

Rainbow

All stories come from stories,
Fables and tales of old,
Get twisted,
Torn,
Pulled apart,
And made a new.
The art is to refurbish and tell like never before,
Leaving hints of familiarity,
Subtle enough for you to question the clarity,
Yet get you hooked,
And entertain you once more.
Words pour out of my mouth like water,
Vivid,
Fast and pure,
Never preplanned,
Or to mine ears been heard before,
I must have been a muted poets daughter,
Kept back by prejudice,
In a life before,
Now reincarnated I am still kept back with not much more to gain,
So much time has passed,
Yet judgement and exclusion remains the same,
My gender now not to blame,
But this time my brain,
Some lable me as insane,
Making publishing my work a gamble,
Excusing the discrimination with health and safety,
Keeps me at the back of the line,
Instead of the front where I deserve to be.
I want to open my mind,
Open and let you all in creatively,
I’ll keep you entertained with many a story,
Some real,
Some fantasy,
Some as dark as reality can be.
Yet people don’t want to take a gamble on me,
Be it the colour of my skin,
My battle scars out and showing,
My mental health diagnosis,
My fragility,
Potential crisis.
If I was a celebrity,
Publishing offers would fly to me,
Which is something I cannot fathom!?
I am no one imparticular,
Which makes me all the more spectacular,
Because I represent you all,
Anyone and everyone,
The masses.
I could be you,
Or the girl next door,
You’re daughter,
Best friend,
Or cousin.
Instead of allowing me to rise and connect with you,
You step over me,
You do not see me,
You will not listen to me,
Despite with all of my experience,
For the curious,
Those in the dark that need a guiding light,
Someone other to hold their hand,
To understand,
I am the connect to help you through.
The one without private health care like you,
The one who has to wait like you,
The one they medicate like you.
There is no personal Doctor on call,
Nowhere to just check in,
Thats the world of your celebrity.
I will not discriminate fleeting moments of ill mental health that others have indulged,
So why discriminate me.
My illness is longstanding,
I’ve been institutionalised,
Penalised,
Accosted,
Persecuted,
Snubbed,
Ignored,
Ganged up on,
Disrespected.
I have been to Hell,
I could tell you about that,
Demons and Psychosis,
Hallucinations,
Manifestations,
Paradise,
Euphoria.
I’ve been down to the darkest place.
I’ve been up to the highest and brightest.
I’ve spoken to the people that movie characters are made from.
My eyes and ears have explored every crack and crevice of the mind and beyond.
I could tell you a tale or two,
Some you may have heard before,
Some familiar,
Some brand new,
But I refuse to speak to buttoned up ears,
Lost in translation,
Focused on fame and vaneers.
I worry I may loose,
Or confuse what has been
As my memory looses stability,
Due to medication,
And emotional sensitivity,
And so I share snippets on here,
Both to remind and for those that support me.
One day I shall tell my full story,
Awake my imagination from slumber,
Mix everything together,
And share a rainbow of novels to suit everybody,
When the world wakes up and sees my potential as an endearing literature somebody,
Fueling books,
Theatre,
Television,
And film.
My stories,
Honest and brave,
Timeless.

Mental Health Awareness Day

There is no shame in admitting that you are suffering,
Impatient and unempathetic people may tire of hearing,
Struggling to recognise what you are feeling,
None believing because they are not seeing,
Ill mental health may appear to be invisible,
Some people need to see scans,
Broken bones and bleeding,
Or they suspiciously cross you off as deceiving,
And that is why we need to raise awareness,
There are other telling truths then seeing to believe in.
Struggling to get out of bed,
Find joy and motivation,
Psychosis consistent,
Becomes dominant,
Especially when support off others is infrequent,
Or none existant.
When your hallucinations are more common,
Than the occurance of communication off others,
Life is bleak,
You are a prisoner to darkness,
Unable to see any light,
Each day is a fright,
And there is only one way out.
Your friends loose interest.
Your family turn their backs,
The help is infrequent,
Your lover feels trapped,
It seems like you mean to push them all away,
But just like you don’t know what to do or say,
Neither do they.
Social media is false representation,
Liking a post is not interaction,
Real acknowledgment,
Or appreciation.
Choosing to not discuss life depending issues,
Does not make them disappear.
Invitations become less.
Not one text.
You are living your life,
Avoiding the mess.
Not grasping that your neglection interjects even more stress.
So instead of being strong
Firm,
Consistent,
You just slip away,
Awkwardly as you know not what to say,
Until one day it happens to you,
And you get it,
But it is all just a little to late.
Take responsibility in knowing the basics of understanding the power of the mind.
We all have mental health,
And therefor we can and most likely will,
All experience ill mental health to some degree,
So take the opportunity to understand and be prepared,
We are not all hero’s,
If you can’t,
Or don’t want to help others,
At least help yourself.
Once you understand,
Pass the baton,
The more we know,
The more that know,
The less stigma and exclusion,
More respect and inclusion,
Hopefully leading to saving lives.
We loose too many to suicide.
Rip to those that have gone,
In your memory may we be strong,
Join forces,
Learn healing,
And live on.

Colour

The, “N” words,
Nigger or Negro,
Shot, Shot!
The, “B” word,
Black,
Shot!
The, “C” word,
Coloured,
Shot!
Words are just words,
Yet the intension of how they are said,
Delivered with clarity,
Doused with…
Venom,
And…
Spite,
They are as powerful as a bullet to the head!
Shot, shot, shot shot!
Is this what you see when you look at me?
What you think I am?
How you describe me?
Yes,
I am black and proud,
If asked to describe me physically,
Is colour the first thing that springs to mind?
Surely you understand that such language and choice of words like those above,
That is derogative and uncalled for!?
You can pretty them up,
In songs or rap,
Say them about me behind my back,
Hurl them at me in a racist attack,
But such strategies are wack,
You have to understand that I am black,
And I am proud of that,
Because the colour of my skin is part of me,
I was born with it,
It is part of my identity,
But not everything about me.
Prejudice and racism has not ceased it is still very much here,
Not just a part of our past or old tainted wives tales that you may hear,
But if you open your eyes and mind,
You will soon discover that the colour of my skin should not trigger fear.
Despite the colour of our exterior,
Our skin,
We are all just human beings.
I look in the mirror and just see me,
Not my colour,
I look deeper then that,
Trying to find the overall beauty,
Outside and in,
Strip off our skin,
We are all the same within,
So why fight one another?
There is so much cruelty, trauma, hate and sin in this world,
I want no part of it.
I don’t want revenge for those tortured, mistreated and killed because they look like me,
But I do want mercy and reconciliation,
Or it was all for nothing
I acknowledge the past,
And I will always remember those that suffered for equality,
I recognise that the scale of injustice and mistreatment has decreased dramatically,
But I shudder and weep when I study black history,
Rage when I think of all of the lives lost to death and slavery,
Just because of biology and anatomy!
I want to hold my head up high,
In silent protest,
And make the most of this life given to me.
I am privileged,
Lucky to have been born in a more equal part of the world,
Lucky to have been born at this time,
But that luck does not help starving babies in third world countries,
Black children getting less education,
Black teenagers peer pressured into gangs,
Black men being put into prison for just being black,
Black women being raped for just being black,
Just because the devil only see’s their colour,
Forgets that their lives matter,
People even up to now,
They don’t acknowledge that black lives matter.
For those of us with sight,
We are fortunate to see colour,
What a beautiful gift,
Only to be spoiled by the need of power,
Tainted,
And bruised,
Wasted due to inferiority.
Freedom,
That was rightfully ours,
And when I say ours,
I mean all of ours,
But was taken away,
Oblige or die,
Commands and decisions made by self appointed radicalists,
Every knock,
Every bump,
Every push,
Every whip,
My ancestors got back up
And they fought,
And they earned their freedom,
Tested again and again!
I would not be here if it were not for them!
I thank them,
And carry our torch with pride.
When I look at you,
I don’t see colour,
When I look at myself,
I just see me.
I hope that one day,
It can be like that for everybody.
If you pass me on the street and you think my life does not matter because of the colour of my skin?
Do yourself a favour,
Keep your thoughts within,
Button up those lips,
Clench your fists,
And just keep walking,
Because this world is not yours alone,
And my life is not yours to take,
Black lives matter,
Whether you agree or not,
Keep those racist and hurtful thoughts to yourself,
They are your thoughts of harm and pain,
Your problem to contend with,
This planet is for all of us to share!
Join us all,
Or quietly go elsewhere.
This is not a dictatorship?
But a vision to rule out segregation,
An invitation for all of us to be united as one in civilisation,
To include,
Not excluse,
Because of what you look like,
Or where you come from!
Man or Woman,
Black or White,
Gay or Straight,
Christian or Muslim,
Anything goes,
As long as you have a good soul,
Practice in acceptance,
Then there should be no grievance.

Health is health and often shall mental and physical cross paths, if you go into nursing as a career, perhaps remember that!

When did I become such a danger to society?
Four people they sent for me!
It was extremely intimidating,
Slightly humiliating,
Most certainly overwhelming.
As people carted me off,
From a general hospital to a mental health hospital,
I could hear their thoughts,
“Hip Hip Hooray”,
“The mad lady is on her way!”
The stigma alongside mental health,
Rings loud and clear in The Q.E,
Queen Elizabeth Hospital,
Birmingham.
I encounted some terrible behaviour this stay,
Stuck on The CDU Ward.
Not easily offended,
Yet I received some,
Offence that is,
Off fellow patients,
Family and friends,
Staff!
Subjected to racism,
Sharing a bay with supporters of none other than,
Donald Trump.
Words exchanged were outspoken and brash,
They spoke absolute trash,
Not even quietly,
But loud and proud,
As if to offend me!
“I only want a white doctor!”
“Well I don’t like the black nurses!”
If they are so high and mighty,
Open your purse,
Leave quietly,
And seriously do one!
Get care privately!
Perhaps then they wouldn’t have to deal with,
“People like me”.
The NHS is supposed to represent,
GREAT BRITAIN.
As citizens we must appreciate it’s assets,
And embrace the unity of every nationality,
Because that is supposed to be what puts the,
GREAT,
In Britain.
Not only racism,
But prejudice too.
Patients making remarks about funny farms,
Categorising others as mental,
Like mental is a dirty word!
Staff complaining about being pushed out of their job description,
“FUCKING MENTAL HEALTH PATIENTS,
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE GENERAL!”
Well welcome to the real world,
Idiots!
Mental Health and Physical Health are few and far between.
What happened to compassion?
Empathy?
People can really be so mean.
Some staff were Angels,
Don’t get me wrong.
I thank them for saving me,
Helping me,
And looking after me.
Sincerely.
The likes of Cat,
Chelsea and more,
But the good ones,
Like I said,
Were few and far between,
And the majority,
Unnnecessarily mean.