I Matter!

There’s a gun shot,
Everyone looks at me.
There’s a scream in the crowd,
Everyone looks at me.
There’s a riot,
Everyone looks at me.
I once thought that look was a look of care,
How naive I was!
My so called friends,
My allies,
Strangers,
Peers,
Mentors,
White faces,
Surround me,
Many times I am the one black face in the crowd,
I thought you stayed close out of loyalty,
Not to monitor me,
Keep your friends close,
But your enemies closer,
Yet whom declared that we are enemies at all?
No one told me.
Words unspoken,
Now are deafening,
As I realise the truth.
You never thought we were equal,
Always suspecting,
Always suspicious,
Always weary of me,
Just because of the exterior you see.
I am human just like you,
We breath the same air,
Share the same planet,
Yet you feel more entitled,
And act accordingly to enforce power,
Hold the reigns.
You only see me when you need someone to blame,
Take the rap.
If there is blame,
You blame and shame me immediately,
On no other grounds but as to what you see,
A black somebody.
If there is an altercation,
You blame me.
When there is wrong doing,
You blame me.
I was blind,
But now I see.
I strive to walk freely,
Proud of my identity,
I will stand my ground peacefully,
Stare straight back at you when you stare at me,
Keeping my dignity,
No longer oblivious to your suspicions,
Not allowing you to control me.
I still walk amongst you kindly,
But I will not allow you to ogle me everytime there is indecent activity,
Not knowing and all assuming,
As you are more likely the sinner than me.
Black Lives Matter.
This is not derogatory to any other lives,
But a reminder to those whom are ignorant,
Whom forget,
Whom haven’t figured it out yet.
Oppressed for years,
The punch bag to many,
I wondered what was wrong with me.
Microdosed insertion of power always looming over my head,
I lost my self worth.
Damaged goods from the lacerations of slavery,
Entrapment,
Poverty,
Does make me angry,
Has weakened me,
But not defeated me.
You need not fear me,
Just acknowledge,
Treat me and my Kin fairly,
Because they matter,
All black lives matter,
I matter.

Justice for George Floyd

What is it you see when you look at me?
I hope you see me,
All of me,
That I bare unashamed,
Unapologetically.
You may read between the lines,
There is no excuse at being blind,
I radiate my full truth,
And my black skin glistens,
Because of all the hardship that I have overcome.
My ancestors were slaves,
Beaten daily,
Working for free,
Treated like animals,
Trapped in captivity,
Stripped of all dignity,
Sold like property,
Fighting for freedom,
Fighting to be free.
Martin Luther King had a dream,
A dream as sweet as could possibly be,
Rosa Parks stood her ground for us,
These brave people would be outraged to see,
Just how cruel this white privilege has come to be,
What is concealed,
Hiding in plain sight,
Or uniforms,
So the world can pretend to be harmonious and full of equality.
A gentle giant was killed because of the colour of his skin,
Disregarded rights,
Abuse of power,
Still restraint,
Begging for his life,
A black man,
An innocent man was killed May 2020,
In Broad daylight,
By a man employed to keep the people safe,
A white man,
In the 21st century.
For no other reason but looking like himself,
Looking like me.
We cannot just let this go,
Start to resign to the fact,
That these things just happen,
Made to feel guilty for rightful accusations of racism,
We must pay attention to the people in charge,
The white man’s reaction,
And not be silenced due to our gender,
Sexual preference,
Or colour of skin.
We are calling you out,
If this world is ready for Me Too,
Then black people,
It should be ready for you.
Humans are wonderful creatures,
But greedy and savage.
I will not apologise for preeching that black lives matter.
Please don’t call me out for stating the obvious.
If white privilege does not exist,
Why is a murderer getting first class service in jail.
A life is a life,
No matter if black or white.
Am I expected to believe that this police man did not know the full power of his tool,
That he could not hear George’s call?
Murder in plain sight.
Abuse of power.
This has happened before,
What do we need to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again?
How can we get the people in charge to see reason?
Another life lost to ignorance,
Racism,
Prejudice,
Power,
Another life lost too soon.
May justice prevail.

All over the TV

This girl can bare the character of many faces, Believe me she’s going places, On the right path she’s going to the top,
She ain’t never gonna stop.
Her big dream,
Achievable,
Not a fantasy,
Reality,
This is her destiny.
All the bumps fuel the pumps of ignition,
She’s wound up and ready to go, Despite many attempts of ruining her flow,
You supported her she needed that,
But now all is lost,
To the debt of a mighty cost, Once proud now ashamed and distant practically lost.
I never meant to embarrass you, I never meant to let you down,
I never took away all the air,
I never wanted to drown.
Now so many have surpassed me,
I see them all over TV,
Whilst I stay back suffering from mental fragility,
I know the top is a place,
A place that has no room or space for a loser like me,
Mentally fit and positively different I wish it could be, I’ll be the one on the box for all to see,
I’ll be the one making you proud cashing in the money,
And because I’m not,
You’ve forgotten how to love me,
I never needed you back then when I was independent and strong,
I was on the right path on the right track and knew where I belong,
Out of everything that I’ve lost what saddens me the most is losing you,
I’m truly sorry for any pain or torture I put you through,
I wish you understood that my mental instability is not not a path that I would have chosen for me or to hurt you,
BPD is not what I ever believed I had,
Would ruin me,
Ouch this path pains me,
More than it does you,
It’s true,
And no matter what though,
I love you.

Whatever Makes You Happy (even if just for a moment)…

I was christened Methodist at birth but most of my foundations and early beliefs of religion came from attending and being educated in a Catholic Primary School named, St Martin De Porres. My nan still says, “Say your prayers” everytime we speak. Yet after primary school, religion wasn’t ever really part of my life. Like most western people my age, growing up, family Sunday dinner (even if just Mum, the dog and I) was a ritual, not going to Church. I was always curious about religion though, I guess it was more about understanding my surroundings rather than looking for a saviour. Birmingham, England is and always has been extremely multicultural, I wanted to understand what my peers were upto, believed in and committed to. I was just curious and therefor Religious Studies was one of my favourite subjects at secondary school. There was so much to learn about, it made me question how all of which fit together, who was I to say what was fiction and none fiction, that one religion or another made more sense or not and so I vowed that until I found the time to study every single religion, it would not be fair for me to side with any which one without all the information. To this day I have never found the time to do so and so I stand by the tittle Agnostic, which for me means… I believe in some sort of higher power but as to which exactly, I do not know. Most of the people that I know are Atheists. The truth is I don’t mind what religion anyone follows, as long as they do not force it upon others.
I consider myself to be rather spiritual. Believe me or not, I have no reason to lie, I have psychic dreams, I have had three encounters with angels and I am still figuring it all out but this year I started to attend a spiritualist church. It is my saviour. With the nature of depression, I am down more often than not, whether it manifests out of me as suicidal or manic and many complex shades in between, I find it hard to be still, calm and have a free mind, but spiritual healing enables me to explore being zen, even if just for a moment every week which I attend. Hands on healing is extremely powerful. At its best, I can only explain the transaction between the healer and I with this metaphoric description; before healing I am a battery controlled object in an inanimate state, when I am touched the very first contact is like being plugged in on super charge, my body hair pricks up and a wave of cold hits me from head to toe and then heat is transferred to the areas in which I am touched, I am physically and mentally awoken, walls are broken down and restored. Sometimes I cry, sometimes my head hurts, sometimes I feel sea sick as I tend to be gently rocked both forward and back, side to side by the comforting powers that be. There is nothing human that I can compare it to, nothing that I have personally experienced, but please take my word for it, it is wonderful.
Healing/Church/Religion/Spirituality may not be for you but I urge you to try something substance and toxic free to help clear your mind and recharge, life is hard and with no you time, to reset, self reflect and self focuss, life can be an unpleasant, continuous and seemingly pointless cycle. I do not insist but encourage you to experiment if you have not yet discovered your happy place to reboot, maybe explore with yoga, meditation, mindfulness, any activity that focuses on self attention and reflection without the aid of distraction and find your happy place. You deserve it. We all deserve to feel wholesome, even if just for a moment in our fragmented lives. You might not find your thing straight away, it took me 35 years to connect the dots but we are all fragile and all deserve to be healed.
I just think everyone deserves an occasional worry free, float in the clouds, lifted, supported, enabling energy/feeling every now and then because we all fall down sometimes and it is so nice to be helped back up.

I Know

I whisper,

But my message is strong,

From witness,

And endurance,

From my sole,

I sing our song.

I step forward,

To escape where I am coming from,

But overcome with stillness,

I cannot transit in the right direction.

Shattered glass,

That stranger is not my reflection,

Not even a resemblance,

My cocoon now a burden,

Heavy,

Fragile,

And old,

I cannot manoeuvre this creature that is apparently I,

And even get out of bed.

I feel alone in a room full of people,

I once bloomed under the spotlights,

And waltzed around the room,

Charming,

And delightful,

But this spiteful cognitive impediment,

Grows by the day,

All consuming,

Leaving me changed,

My old self defied the law of gravity,

Evaporation seemingly permanent,

Just drifted away one day,

But my soul,

Thoughts,

Emotions,

Still weigh heavily,

Anchored.

My intentions to comfort others,

Rather than seek Solace,

Are a selfless and natural act.

Retribution from a past life perhaps,

Have lead me down this long and winding path.

I know pain,

I know anxiety,

I know depression,

I know psychosis,

I know dissociation,

I know BPD,

I know ADHD,

I know.

If the endurance of this suffering has one silver lining,

It means that I can hear you without judgement,

I offer you my hand,

You can lean on my shoulder,

And together we can soldier you through to the next chapter.

I must physically let you go at this stage,

Let you take flight,

To help yourself and others fight,

But will think of you always,

As what we share,

Enables a deep connection,

A bond that cannot be broken,

Makes us one,

Destined For Disaster…

Staring at the wall again,
Trying to remember when,
Everything was so good back then,
Looking back at photo’s,
Trawling through social media,
The filtered photo’s deceive ya,
Me and the Girls,
Me and the Boys,
Cocktails,
Mocktails,
Endless joys,
Youth,
Freedom,
Expression,
Creativity,
Power,
Sexy,
Sassy,
PARTY!
Those years were golden,
I now understand the phrase,
But gradually everyone has grown,
Moved on,
Progressed to the next phase,
Transitioned in only the best ways,
Detached from the old days,
And the only one left in pain,
Sad and angry,
Is me!
Stuck in a rut,
The door hammered shut,
I am so far removed from them,
They don’t bat an eyelid,
But even if they did,
They don’t see,
They don’t recognise me,
I am the lone soldier,
That basks in the memories,
That they did leave.
How is it fair,
That those who have done me wrong,
Have moved forward,
Happy and strong?
I was insignificant then,
And I am insignificant now.
Staring at the wall again,
Straining to remember when,
There were no voices.
What shall I do?
Take some pills and end it?
Make myself bleed to control it?
Talk to someone?
I cannot.
If things don’t mend and positively change,
I just don’t think I can go on.
Anchored by trauma,
Separating me from old dreams,
Repelling dreams a new,
I loose my desire to push for a break through,
I cannot foresee anything,
I feel so weak,
Not strong,
Perhaps I was destined for despair all along!?

Stamp

I do not claim to be worse off than you,
Neither do I claim to be better,
I am who I am,
I plead for clarity to translate,
That all I can do,
Is be myself.
I may preach somewhat,
Use language to inform and inspire,
Turning pain to power,
Yet I am no veteran,
I did not formally study psychology,
But what I have seen,
And where I have been,
No text book could teach you,
I have a fountain of knowledge,
It runs through my veins,
I let my tap flow,
With pure intent,
To nurture all,
As at some point,
We all may fall,
My resources are both learnt and earnt from experience,
The pain that I endure,
You may think my weakness,
But I have always cared for others more than myself,
And so my misfortune is another man’s wealth,
I am no saint,
Nor do I vow to be,
Yet I am more humble than a sinner,
I genuinely want you to overcome and be a winner,
But I must also admit that,
Sharing with you,
Allows me to process too.
I hope to encourage progress if nothing more,
A familiar stranger from whom to draw,
When all seems lost and said and done,
Perhaps my insight will help you over come,
The boogie man that holds you down,
Whilst stealing the best parts of you,
Erasing your smile,
Stamping you with a frown,
Whilst your whole world turns upside down,
Your spirit and soul taken,
Whilst your cocoon is left to drown.

I will vote but will it count!?

I feel obliged to vote,
But insignificant doing so,
Pressured by hero’s in history,
I have to vote,
I have to go,
Not just my paranoia,
But also my observations,
Make me question the voting system,
People are bringing in ink pens,
Worried about the durability of a pencil,
If this is something to fear,
The counting system may not be honest and clear,
In seconds our decisions can dissapear,
Alterations may reappear,
It is a worthy possibility to suspect,
No one sees the person counting,
Politicians are renowned for being corrupt,
Yet the voting system requires so much of our trust,
The delicate procedure of unfolding and beholding,
Only the elite hear the whispers,
Only the elite have the power to manipulate the balet,
Every vote is the same,
A shocking result,
We are given glitz and glamour,
Promised the earth,
Only to be given disappointment.
I buy into it not!
Obliged to vote I may be,
But it would be nice to at least once in my life,
To feel of significance and part of something worthy.
To play a major part in positive change,
Noted in history,
To give sunshine and opportunity for our youngers destiny’s.

Tide Of Mentality…

The tide of my illness,
drifts as fluently as the current of the Sea,
And as storms,
And Tsunami’s cannot be tamed,
Neither can the turbulence of my poisonous mentality,
Evoking pain,
And catastrophe,
Wherever I roam,
Wherever I shall be,
I cannot cease,
What is a genetic part of me,
Man has power,
But only acts of God,
Determine our destiny.

Kate Wilkins…

When you sing,
Conduct,
And share your music,
Like an anchor sinks into the deep and seemingly endless sea,
A magnet of force,
Draws it directly to the very bottom,
My ears fall into a mythical utopia,
And your melodious sound engulfs me whole,
Hypnotised and mesmerised,
I feel every note,
Pump through my veins,
Clear my head,
My heart beats in unison with you,
My soul rises like the sun,
And time no longer bares any meaning,
I am with you,
And we are one.