A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #politics #voting #nhs #mentalhealth #treatment #111 #distress # suicide #selfharm

I will vote but will it count!?

I feel obliged to vote,
But insignificant doing so,
Pressured by hero’s in history,
I have to vote,
I have to go,
Not just my paranoia,
But also my observations,
Make me question the voting system,
People are bringing in ink pens,
Worried about the durability of a pencil,
If this is something to fear,
The counting system may not be honest and clear,
In seconds our decisions can dissapear,
Alterations may reappear,
It is a worthy possibility to suspect,
No one sees the person counting,
Politicians are renowned for being corrupt,
Yet the voting system requires so much of our trust,
The delicate procedure of unfolding and beholding,
Only the elite hear the whispers,
Only the elite have the power to manipulate the balet,
Every vote is the same,
A shocking result,
We are given glitz and glamour,
Promised the earth,
Only to be given disappointment.
I buy into it not!
Obliged to vote I may be,
But it would be nice to at least once in my life,
To feel of significance and part of something worthy.
To play a major part in positive change,
Noted in history,
To give sunshine and opportunity for our youngers destiny’s.

DEMAND CHANGE…

Scroll to the bottom if you would prefer to listen, otherwise… happy reading. Please share this one, it means an awful lot to me. Thanks for visiting, come back soon!? XX

DEMAND CHANGE!

If the last four years are anything to go by,
Excuse me as I start to cry,
Because my psychologist told me that I will have this monster of an illness for the entirety of my life!
What!?
I see her every three months or so,
Go in,
Come out,
Who knows what the fuck we talk about!?
I am just another number,
Case load,
For her to box and shelf,
To prove to the bankers’ that I have been seen and “helped”,
But she hasn’t,
Helped me, that is!
Help ignites hope,
But she blew out my candle when she condemned me to an eternity of helpless misery.
I shout my woes,
Confess my sins,
Tell them all of the out’s and in’s,
But they neither see nor hear me,
Not one of all of the professionals that supposedly support me,
They just give me more pills to sooth me,
No,
Silence me!
People in my very small social and immediate family network ask that I at least communicate with them before battling with self-destruction,
But how can I purposefully burden my friends and family?
Firstly, If I disclose all the intricate details of my intense suffering,
I fear that they may section me,
And believe me,
I have been institutionalised enough times already!
The full truth,
The whole truth,
Nothing but the truth,
Will make people not want to speak or listen to me.
And so I write,
And I write,
And I write.
I may not be as articulate and witty as the professional’s,
Lack in vocabulary somewhat,
Be short of the spark that creates recognition and popularity,
A magnitude of followers,
The camera skills to go viral,
The voice of an angel,
Musicality like Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart,
But this is my art!
Speaking from the heart,
Everything that I say is true.
It may be a matter of preaching to the converted for now,
I see you nodding your head,
Taking in every word that I have said,
Thank you,
Give me an Amen!?
The budget cuts in the mental health system,
The up rise in mental health patients,
The increase in the number of people with mental health problems on the streets,
Scrapping for food to eat,
As if they don’t already have enough problems.
The black hole between help in the community and hospital admittance,
The loss of mental health control,
Less beds,
More med’s,
The increase in suicide!
I struggle to cope every single day!
I see and hear things that other people can’t,
Lucky them!
I don’t eat,
I don’t sleep,
I don’t shower,
Brush my hair or teeth,
Or I eat too much,
Sleep too much,
OCD kicks in and you could seriously eat off my dustbin!
I cry,
I panic,
I hallucinate,
I self-harm,
I hate myself,
And contemplate suicide most days!
If you have to ask why?
You haven’t been listening!
If you find my revelations a bit intense,
Then I am truly sorry,
But this is the reality,
My reality,
My life story forever more,
As my never ending diagnosis of;
BPD,
Depression,
Anxiety,
And Psychosis has been bestowed upon me for eternity!
I long for the times when I could distinguish the difference between bad days and good.
I once had the capability to actually believe in myself.
I have always had ill mental health,
First therapy session at twelve,
On pills since sixteen,
But there was still enough space in my life to dream,
Even moments when I conquered,
But I am no longer on this planet for me,
But for the people who love me!
Even though they may not fully know or understand me,
I can forgive them for that,
I do not fully know or understand myself,
But for some reason,
Some amazing people do actually love me!
And so I am very confused by this but recognise their love,
And therefor I am extremely thankful and lucky.
I fear and feel for those that have no one,
Those that receive no love at all and feel weak because of this.
Think about how isolating it is for those that have absolutely no one to share their experiences with.
There are people that have no one to aid their struggles with physical and psychological pain.
It is my pleasure and self-administrated duty to share with and represent my fellow Borderline’s,
Depressive’s,
The Anxious,
My neighbours The Schizophrenic’s,
The Bi-Polar’s,
And all of the above,
All of you,
The list is as long as my battered and bruised arms.
It takes personal experience to understand sometimes,
But you do not need a degree to practice listening or conjure empathy.
You do not need to be mentally ill yourself to acknowledge how integral mental health is in our society.
As a result of increased and continuous budget cuts in a financially deprived yet desperate area of NHS Health,
People are dying every single day.
This is a fact that deeply saddens me to say,
But this is an increasing problem that will not just calm down and go away.
We must unite and demand change.
Demand change.
DEMAND CHANGE!
With change we can help people very much in need.
With change we can potentially cut down the suicide.
With change tomorrow may not seem as grey!

The facts….

If you feel mentally unwell, depressed, anxious, out of sorts, please acknowledge the symptoms and go to your GP. I know that admitting such feelings is hard, but putting them to the back of your mind does not a well person make. Would you ignore a fever or nausea? I believe the answer is no. Would you be ashamed of a fever or nausea? I believe the answer is no, but what is the difference? The body is a complex thing but if you block out the noise and get in touch with one’s self, trust your intuition, you may actually find that the body often cry’s out for what it needs, what it likes, what doesn’t suit you, you only have to listen and trust in yourself!
There are apparently two categories of mental health patient care. Primary care and secondary care. Strangely enough, if you identify your symptoms early on, the level of care available is quite impressive should you choose to engage, early intervention treatments are available, magic pills, talking therapy and you are on your way. Secondary care is for the slightly more intense people, for example with substance abuse problems, self harm/suicidal tendencies. For a reason unbeknownst to me, there is very little help available right away, especially out of office hours. You only need to read my past couple of blogs for proof. There is a national shortage of mental health beds across the UK. This has captured a lot of media attention but there also isn’t very much care available to help you before you get to the point of needing a bed if you are having a crisis. You have to be assigned to home treatment team for help after hours, they will not and cannot take your call if you are not on their books, getting registered in the middle of night whilst you are in crisis does not exist. Here lies the problem. Paramedics wont come out to you unless you have some sort of physical injury. Your in to much of a state to make your own way to A&E. What do you do?
I have some news, there’s a new pilot after office hours intervention. If you are distressed, at risk of hurting yourself, please call 111. They are NOT a 24hr service but they do cover at least a good five hours that we never had before. I have not tried them myself yet but they have been recommended to me by my mental health care coordinators. I think it is just good to know that there is “apparently” help available. I think that their office hours are until around 10pm. Until there is 24hr care available, I will endeavour to keep writing and sharing with you the reader, my friends but at least today, I have some good news.
Thank you,
Noone x

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