Social Friends In Cyber Media…. Cysober…

For the blaggers,
The bull-shitters,
The false friends,
And fake lovers!
All of my Cysober sister’s and brother’s.
The people that, “like” without opening your post.
The people that comment without reading your post.
The selfies,
The tagging,
The Internet bragging,
Attention seeking,
Sob stories,
The bitchy comments,
Exclusion,
The hott list,
The not list,
The group chats,
The blanking,
The rants,
The pestering (guilty as charged),
The sharing,
The over sharing,
The overbearing,
Ignoring,
Blocking,
The friend requests,
The stranger requests,
The stalking,
Not messaging back,
The friend count,
The like count,
The video watched count.
The chain messages,
Advertising,
Chastising,
Grooming,
Bullying,
Pranking,
Punking.
The people from your past,
The insincere,
The numbers mean nothing,
The live video’streaming, mantras and selfies a facade!
In this instance my intentions are genuine,
I am here,
I am asking for your help!?…
The majority of you will not read this,
The rest won’t know what I am talking about,
Because this isn’t about fashion or reality TV,
Perhaps it should be…
Reality TV,
But this is an opportunity to make positive change for charity!
JustGiving/JadeLaurie-Hart
Please donate/share/help me,
Help others!?
www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk

Listen to Cyscober by noone adiaryfromnoone #np on #SoundCloud

Is this fun for you?

Ladies and gentlemen,
This isn’t a play,
I’m devastated that it has gone down this way.
How long do I have to stay?
It’s June now,
I came in,
In May!
Stop looking at me in that arrogant way.
Is this fun for you?
I don’t wanna play.
Let’s sit-down nurse,
Talk it out and converse.
Your attitude stinks
And it’s making me worse.
Let us talk about it,
Before I drop a bomb and scream and shout.
Ultimately we want the same thing,
To figure out what this is all about.
I’m all ears and willing to admit my deepest fears.
It’s time to get things sorted,
It has been years.

Everything you need to know about being sectioned…

I may have blogged about this before, but it was from the perspective of my own research. Today I give you facts, straight from a mental health nurses mouth…
Below are the current facts about each type of section.
5.4 6hrs holding power. Issued by psychiatric nurses for psychiatric inpatients only.
5.2 72hrs holding power. Issued by mental health doctors.
Review;
A) Section 2. 28days holding power. Impatient assessment period.
B) Section 3. Up to 6months. Usually given to people who have been in hospital before and have a mental health history.
C) Informal. Voluntary hospital admittance. The length depends on the individual and their circumstances.
136 72hrs issued by the police.
37.41 Forensic. This does not have a set time but you can be held upto 3months without personal consent whilst the crime is assessed. These patients are put into a medium secure unit.

I hope that this information provides Some clarity for you. I myself have been threatened but not actually sectioned. I have always been informal. I have also known patients to get their section reduced or cancelled for being compliant and practicing good behaviour. If you operate in a respectful manor and co-operate, depending on one’s circumstance, it appears that sections can be quite flexible. They are put in place for the safety of an individual, not to punish people.

Conform

Society put’s so much pressure on us all as a civilisation.
We must conform.
We must follow the unspoken rules.
In return….
There’s nothing in return!
Punishmsent is certain, if you don’t follow the rules,
But there is no reward for following them.
Not really.
And so we plod along,
Being dictated to,
And manipulated by the government.
You play ball,
Or you’re gonna fall,
And they ain’t to keen on second chances.
This is a rich man’s world.
Freedom does not exist to its full potential.
They have us believe it,
But we must conform!

I know that I am difficult, but it is not what I intend to be!

I know that I am difficult, but it is not what I intend to be! You think it’s bad for you? It is even worse for me. I don’t understand it but will try to explain it…
My emotions are far to random to put on a timescale, my mood changes are frequent yet inconsistent. There doesn’t have to be a trigger, or perhaps what triggers me off at one moment, will not effect me another.
I am indeed sensitive, that plus the paranoia and psychosis, makes the simplest encounters and/or communication with others rather difficult for me. The wrong look can set me off, let alone physical contact or conversation.
Some day’s seem so much harder for me to get through then others. A good day or two usually results in a bad day or two, as if I am being punished for doing well. My whole body aches. My thoughts become overwhelming, I long for silence and rest but something bad inside of me fights and talks of knives, self harm and suicide.
I try to analyse, understand, pick apart how I am feeling, what I am feeling, why I am feeling, also what I am not feeling and why at times I am so vacant and numb.
I know that my mental health condition was noticed and flagged by professionals when I was only sixteen years of age, but I was not told or officially diagnosed until I was twenty-nine years of age. Research has lead me to believe that they witheld that information as an attempt to protect me, giving me a chance to ride it out alone, hoping that it may pass with adolescents but they were wrong to do so. You wouldn’t witheld physical information about a patient, for example, not tell someone that they have a broken leg and without offering care or medication, send them on their way. It sounds ludicrous! Why would medical professionals ever knowingly send an ill patient away without care and treatment? Research suggests that should you still have a personality disorder after your twenties, it becomes harder to heal and move on, harder to learn from and shake off the symptoms, harder to pursue a career and find ones place in society.
Some research suggests, “The course of Borderline Personality Disorder is quite variable. Borderline personality disorder is likely to remit(50% by 2yrs, and 85% by 10yrs) and once it remits, it usually does not relapse. Unfortunately after 10yrs, only about 20% have stable relationships and employment).” I have had it fifteen years. Where does that leave me?
So what the hell is this illness that I have got! This illness that along with depression and anxiety, leads to psychosis and has catapulted me to four different mental health hospitals in the past three years, lead me to self harm, take overdoses, to resent myself and my life, to loose rationalism and priorities, forget loved ones and crave darkness, silence, solitude and death?
Research offers the following diagnostic criteria, “Emotionally unstable (Borderline) personality disorder is characterised by definite tendancy to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable capricious (sudden and unaccountable behaviour). There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and an incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendancy to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted (prevented) or censored. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterised predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the Borderline type, characterised in addition by disturbances in self image, aims and internal preferences, by chronic feeling of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendancy to self destructive behavior, including suicide gestures and attempts.”
Well that is me to in a nut shell! I am undertaking therapy, support, medication and regularly engage with my community nurse. I have just come out of a terrible spell of self harming, although this time I am aware of the cause, loosing two family members, one of which that I loved unconditionally, was an awful lot to handle. I feel the creeps of something beginning as I type, something has been emerging since yesterday, this is why I am writing this blog, to try and channel some rationalism but more fool me to be honest. I cannot distract myself all day, everyday but perhaps at least, this will give you an insight to my peculiar behaviour and marginally explain what is going on with me.
I share to inform those who care, educate those who are intrigued, give knowledge and comfort to those who relate and to filter out those who are small minded, vain, ignorant and shallow. This site lays my cards on the table, should anyone fear, not understand, refuse to acknowledge, be put off by my honesty and conditions, leave before I get to know you and become attached. May honest blogs like this filter the bad from the good, sincere to insincere, I invite you to reject me at the first hurdle as it will hurt less then the last.

Bloody Red Drops

Like tears,
The bloody red drops,
And just for a momet,
The other pain stops.
Oh the constant search for tranquility,
Moon walking through the stars,
Misery marks its territory,
And leaves terrible battle scars.
Oh how to stop,
I do not know?
I mask the pain,
Don’t let it show.
My secret,
Somehow it works though.
Like tears,
The bloody red drops,
And just for a moment,
The other pain stops.

Blogging?!

I would firstly like to say that the internet is full of absolute nonsensical, unrealistic, inaccurate drivel! The modern generation depends so heavily on the internet, worldwide web, whatever you want to call it. A simple click of a button here and a click of a button there and anything and everything seems possible. Ask a question and an answer of some form, you shall receive. There is no guarantee that your search will provide you with accurate and truthful information, but you wont be left hanging, it will definitely provide you with something. Even better, it takes seconds. You don’t have to spend hours on end trawling through the dictionary, treasures, atlas, bible, historical literature because one’s computer can do it all for you. The only trouble, well perhaps not only, but it certainly ranks high, the trouble with the internet, you have no idea who has provided that information, where it comes from, how accurate it maybe, opinions get mixed up with fact, just because they provide you with something in black and white does not make it factual. You wouldn’t knowingly take medical advice off an architect for example, but there lies the problem, the internet has no face, perhaps that is exactly what you are doing, when the pop up answer to your search engine question comes up, you go along with it no questions asked. Perhaps you should ask, who the hell is answering my question? The internet is great, do not get me wrong. You can practically do anything and everything on line. You can buy clothes, food, music. You can talk to your friends. You can watch the news. We literally don’t have to leave the house but don’t believe everything that you see or read. The internet can lead you down a rabbit hole and into a maze of self diagnosis, inaccurate tests with nonsense theories, fraud. It isn’t as shiny and spectacular as they have you believe. I guess you just need to keep your wits about you and acknowledge that a real football match outside come rain or shine is healthier then a computer game that relies on fingers and thumbs. A night out with friends and face to face conversation is undoubtedly better then cruising social media all evening and hiding behind a picture taken over a decade ago! A trip to your doctor, optician and/or dentist in person is detrimental to one’s health and undeniably better then cruising the likes of NHS direct for example. Please note, no disrespect to NHS direct services intended.

Hypothetical response, “What about my anxiety? It prevents me from leaving the house, the internet keeps me in touch with the world!”

I completely understand from first hand experience, how difficult leaving the house can be. How much easier it is to confide in your search engine and history rather then actually communicate in person with another being. I know how hard it can be to say things out loud, to ask for help. That is why I created this website, I write my poems and share my thoughts via blogs because, yes it is therapeutic for me but most importantly I don’t want you to feel alone, misunderstood, unheard. You are not alone reader, I promise to always endeavourer to understand you and will always listen. I speak the truth from my heart. I share because I want to help you, others, everyone. I speak from first hand experience, I am not making things up. You can relate to me. Obviously bare in mind that we are all different and unique in our own way and what works for me may not work for you and vice versa but I share non the less and you can draw from it as you wish.

I have recently been considering visual and audio blogging via You Tube. I have spent most of today checking out what (in regards to mental health, particularly depression, Emotional unstable personality disorder, anxiety hallucinations and self harm, the problems that I have, my reality.) is already out there and I was surprised to not find that much of relevance. I would say that people often enjoy watching and or listening, if you are having trouble concentrating due to hallucinations those options can be easier than reading. I believe that this may be an avenue that I need to adventure. The trouble is, after all of the technical stuff that I will need to figure out, video footage makes things seem so much more real. No alias name like, “Noone” to hide behind. The idea of exposing myself visually makes me feel vulnerable, anxious and panicky but I am trying to remember that the messages that I intend to share are so much more important then any of my self image hang ups. Mental illness isn’t pretty and it doesn’t smell like roses. It’s raw, painful, limiting and ugly but it isn’t yours alone, nor mine, strength in numbers. We may not be able to beat it but we can accept and fight it together.

One thing that I saw when I was researching was this glamorous, young and beautiful woman explaining about how she hadn’t blogged for a few weeks because she was depressed but all was now well and she was ready to blog again. I am trying my best not to question how quickly her depression both appeared and disappeared, I have been struggling with it for a good sixteen years and counting but who am I to judge? As I have said before, we are all different. Not one remedy can cure us all. The girl spoke of how she didn’t believe in taking any kind of anti-depressant and how she was an advocate for healthy eating and healthy living, that was the only medication that she needed. She was talking about herself and what works for her but I found it offensive. Yes to healthy eating. Yes to healthy living and a healthy lifestyle but don’t reject the idea of medication. We strive to cope, understand, fit in, smile, feel well and if medication helps to enable such qualities of life, I don’t think completely dismissing medication is wise. I also don’t believe in the magic pill or that taking copious amounts of medication will cure us all together but one must explore all options for themselves and find a happy medium.

For those of you that read, watch and listen to blogs on line, please always be mindful that we are not all cut from the same cloth, what works for one may not work for you. Some people blog for the likes of fame, money, popularity. They may discuss things that they don’t know or care about. I don’t vow to know everything about the pro’s and con’s of mental health but I promise that I care, and I welcome you to accompany me on this crazy mental health journey. You may hide behind me, I will show face for all of us. Together we can share and draw upon our experiences in order to learn, educate and move forward.

It was a long one, thanks for reading.

Noone