Worms Meat

I’m sorry that I get lost,
And for whatever cost that conjures up for you.
Just hear me now when I say that it is never my intention to hurt you,
Just like the pain you often unconsciously & constantly impact upon me.
Drowning,
Suffocated by the waves of the sea,
Unable to speak,
Reach out,
Lungs first filled with dispair,
Now lacking oxygen and air,
No one anywhere,
To help me,
No one sees me,
No one hears me,
No rescue,
And even if…
No remedy,
So with great tragedy,
I am taken,
Before you awaken to the facts of BPD,
Recognise how your actions,
Or lack of,
Have affected me.
How you may have triggered me relentlessly,
Saying you’d be there,
But keeping your distance from me,
Making me feel a menace,
Because my times of despair don’t suit thee.
How you showered me with assumptions,
False testament that you care,
Would always be there.
No professional support,
Lacking supervision,
Troubled mind,
Troubled soul,
Constantly fighting,
In competition,
Against the dark.
Beginning to dream of the light,
The dark reigns to tight,
Engolfed me,
Strangulation,
Dumping me,
Asphyxiation,
Abandoning me eternally,
I die,
Fighting until the last breath of my life,
Which I have taken,
Keen to try the unknown,
As ripped apart,
My connection to this world no longer sewn.
Typically late,
Perhaps once gone my transparency shall be found,
And then you will hear my story,
And perhaps understand me,
Learn from me and my legacy,
Help others whom are like me,
As my archives will be available for eternity,
And I hope I won’t be bitter,
All will be forgiven,
Despite your triggers of rejection,
Abandonment,
Inability to understand when I needed you to help me,
Ultimately making worms meat of me.
I may leave this mortal coil,
But my soul shall shine eternally.

Destined For Disaster…

Staring at the wall again,
Trying to remember when,
Everything was so good back then,
Looking back at photo’s,
Trawling through social media,
The filtered photo’s deceive ya,
Me and the Girls,
Me and the Boys,
Cocktails,
Mocktails,
Endless joys,
Youth,
Freedom,
Expression,
Creativity,
Power,
Sexy,
Sassy,
PARTY!
Those years were golden,
I now understand the phrase,
But gradually everyone has grown,
Moved on,
Progressed to the next phase,
Transitioned in only the best ways,
Detached from the old days,
And the only one left in pain,
Sad and angry,
Is me!
Stuck in a rut,
The door hammered shut,
I am so far removed from them,
They don’t bat an eyelid,
But even if they did,
They don’t see,
They don’t recognise me,
I am the lone soldier,
That basks in the memories,
That they did leave.
How is it fair,
That those who have done me wrong,
Have moved forward,
Happy and strong?
I was insignificant then,
And I am insignificant now.
Staring at the wall again,
Straining to remember when,
There were no voices.
What shall I do?
Take some pills and end it?
Make myself bleed to control it?
Talk to someone?
I cannot.
If things don’t mend and positively change,
I just don’t think I can go on.
Anchored by trauma,
Separating me from old dreams,
Repelling dreams a new,
I loose my desire to push for a break through,
I cannot foresee anything,
I feel so weak,
Not strong,
Perhaps I was destined for despair all along!?

Placenta…

Who,
what,
Or how,
May impregnate,
But the birth itself is the trauma,
And the placenta is the monster,
Thus mental illness is born.

The thorny crown,
Heaviness on my shoulders,
Weighing me down,
Imprinting a crown,
That I force upwards,
Away from the ground,
To fool you all,
And appear sound.
Drip,
Drop,
My tears fall,
Consumed with worry,
I want to bang my head against the wall,
Caught consuming negative emotions,
Like catching a ball.
My picture fell,
As I dwell upon my worries,
Is this a sign from hell,
Telling me what is to become,
I am definitely unwell,
History suggests that this won’t end well,
Poisened I am cursed in this endless torturous mental health spell!

Low…

They say,
“Here today,
Gone tomorrow”.
One should feel relieved,
To rise,
When it be ‘morrow!
Yet with every new day,
For me,
My heavy heart,
Pangs with disappointment,
And wrenching sorrow,
The cycle never ends,
Nor does it thaw out,
Become hollow,
The lacerations are internal,
The exterior,
Just a front,
A show,
A cover Up,
For just how low,
I get,
And go.

Dead

I fantasise about becoming worms meat,
And must admit defeat,
No longer dreaming about what may be ahead,
In the here and now,
I wish that I was dead.

Dedicated to Kaz Foncett

The purpose to all fights is to conquer,
To win,
To beat the opponent,
The threat,
The enemy,
Regardless of where the substance begins,
Whether the catalyst be,
Religion,
Addiction,
Ill health,
Politics,
Financial crisis,
Oil,
Land,
sea,
Or,
Something petty,
There’s always at least two sides,
Striving for victory,
Only one side can win,
Making history.
Turning a blind eye to some if it,
Is easy when you are not directly part of it,
No amount of ignorance,
Or swag,
Can avoid when things get personal,
Really bad.
Lives lost,
At what cost!?
Some fights are so unrealistic,
To break war over diamonds and gold,
How materialistic.
The bigger congregations always seem to win.
Fighting for God is surely a sin,
I am not in understanding of some people’s mentality,
It is baffling,
Warranting inflicting havoc,
Chaos,
And pain on another being,
To attack,
Just because they think different,
Don’t accommodate,
Or understand,
The confinement of peace within free will.
The worst type of fight,
Is when one must fight themself,
Usually within the realms of ill health,
When our mentality,
Physicality,
And immune system,
Declares war from within,
Attack us from beneath the skin.
The big,
“C”,
Our biggest enemy,
Takes way to many,
Young,
Old,
Men,
Women,
LGBT,
This poison ruins everyone and everything,
No status,
Wealth,
Nor bribe,
Can make you exempt,
We have learnt ways to try and prevent,
But no theory is yet one hundred percent,
Cancer is against all,
It is vile,
Cruel and always wants to win,
It is the test of all tests,
That I cannot fully understand,
Because from that I am not suffering.
I do know how it feels,
When a medical enemy creeps up,
Often silently,
Most untimely,
From somewhere deep within.
I know,
And I have seen,
Witnessed strong individuals fighting,
Their heads sink,
In a spin,
Constantly crying,
Helpless,
Relying on the Doctors and nurses,
Reaching out spirituality,
To eradicate bad spirits and curses,
To break the rotten chain,
Latched onto their web of mentality.
Loved ones,
Treading on eggshells not sure what to say,
What they can or should do,
Stiff upper lip,
Trying to appear solid and strong,
A pillar for the sick to lean upon,
Encouraging them to keep pushing on.
Oh how brave such casualties are,
Oh how clever the pharmaceutical scientists,
And medics are,
But oh how brave are all of the sick,
But the ones with the,
“Big C”…
Everyday putting up with needles,
Quarantine,
Transfusions,
Vomit,
Hospitals,
Operations,
And bad news,
Sickness is a war that we don’t choose,
And so it is most disappointing when you loose.
Thankfully it does not always play out like that,
People do fight,
Inspire,
Shine,
And live on,
Super strong,
With a little help,
Strength,
And faith,
Put your mind to it and,
You may just get that chance to move on.
My friend is exactly that someone,
Blessed with beauty,
Brains,
And creativity,
A modern day women,
An asset to society,
But now,
Even though she is sick,
She still knows how to handle,
And work It,
She knows what she wants,
And will fight hard to get it,
She is more than worth it.
How she copes,
I personally hope to never know,
But whole heartedly,
I hope this monster quits,
And let’s her go,
Girls got songs to sing,
Fashion to model,
A husband to love,
A dog to snuggle,
A family,
And great friends,
This is not her time to go,
My girl still needs time to shine,
And so to all the powers that be,
I implore you,
That door needs to stay open and so she can walk through,
Turning her back on you,
It’s not her time to depart,
And you know it’s true,
She has so much more to do,
So let her come through,
Return to the world she once knew,
Before she crossed paths with you,
Worry not,
She will never forget you,
But will be as proud as punch,
For beating,
Surviving,
Escaping,
And winning,
Because she is not deserving,
Of all of this suffering!

Happier without me..

Treading on eggshells most of my youth,
Conscious of others emotions,
I withdrew from sharing my truth.
Walking on a tightrope throughout adolescents,
Withholding from disobedience,
Out of respect.
Missing out on being young and care free,
Experimental,
Testing every boundary,
Unknowing that such characteristics are essential,
For ones development,
In order to become a wholesome being.
I can reflect,
Analyse,
And try to process,
But never go back,
As time for me stands still,
The hands of the clock keep ticking forward,
Everyone seems to be on a different path than I,
And I cannot help but wonder why?
Did I create this distance?
This parting between us?
Is this my punishment for wanting to die?
Suicidal behaviour is not based on a selfish lie,
But a complex compulsion,
Bigger than you or I,
Not to attention seek,
Not to gain pity,
But a desperate attempt to drain all sorrow,
And woes away,
A chance to wake from agony,
To sleep in peace forevermore.
I mean not to cause you pain,
And I wish I could explain,
None of this stops my love for you,
And I must accept that you can react in anyway that you want to,
To freeze me out now,
To make an easier good bye?
Seemingly a popular strategy?
Unfortunately,
The more you exclude me,
The weaker I become,
The gates and walls around me crumble,
Each time you drift away,
As we don’t speak,
All I have to hear is what the voices,
You come and go,
But they never stray,
And I alone must endure the horrible things that they do and say!
Watching you walk away,
Detach yourselves,
With no place for me,
Makes leaving this life more appealing,
But most of the time,
That is just a pain wrenching feeling,
Only when very unwell,
When this earth turns to hell,
And I see nothing,
Hear nothing,
Feel nothing,
But,
Pain,
Pain,
Pain,
Do I attempt to leave this mortal plane.
I am tiered of fighting,
And fighting alone,
You seem stronger and happier,
Without the weight of me in your zone,
The pictures,
The trips,
The days out,
Those happy moments,
You are happier without me,
And so I know if I leave,
You will continue to be!

Relationships Awry… Seperation Without An Explanation Or Goodbye!

How is it possible,
To drift apart as far as we have?
The thought alone,
Makes me very sad!
Is it punishment?
Protection?
A loss of effection?
This brutal wedge was not my intention.
My lack of perfection,
Has caused this rejection.
We weren’t two,
But one,
Now that bond has gone.
My illness has broken many things,
But the worst is loosing you,
My special someone,
And I fear that this is something that we cannot come back from.