A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #mind

Rainbow

All stories come from stories,
Fables and tales of old,
Get twisted,
Torn,
Pulled apart,
And made a new.
The art is to refurbish and tell like never before,
Leaving hints of familiarity,
Subtle enough for you to question the clarity,
Yet get you hooked,
And entertain you once more.
Words pour out of my mouth like water,
Vivid,
Fast and pure,
Never preplanned,
Or to mine ears been heard before,
I must have been a muted poets daughter,
Kept back by prejudice,
In a life before,
Now reincarnated I am still kept back with not much more to gain,
So much time has passed,
Yet judgement and exclusion remains the same,
My gender now not to blame,
But this time my brain,
Some lable me as insane,
Making publishing my work a gamble,
Excusing the discrimination with health and safety,
Keeps me at the back of the line,
Instead of the front where I deserve to be.
I want to open my mind,
Open and let you all in creatively,
I’ll keep you entertained with many a story,
Some real,
Some fantasy,
Some as dark as reality can be.
Yet people don’t want to take a gamble on me,
Be it the colour of my skin,
My battle scars out and showing,
My mental health diagnosis,
My fragility,
Potential crisis.
If I was a celebrity,
Publishing offers would fly to me,
Which is something I cannot fathom!?
I am no one imparticular,
Which makes me all the more spectacular,
Because I represent you all,
Anyone and everyone,
The masses.
I could be you,
Or the girl next door,
You’re daughter,
Best friend,
Or cousin.
Instead of allowing me to rise and connect with you,
You step over me,
You do not see me,
You will not listen to me,
Despite with all of my experience,
For the curious,
Those in the dark that need a guiding light,
Someone other to hold their hand,
To understand,
I am the connect to help you through.
The one without private health care like you,
The one who has to wait like you,
The one they medicate like you.
There is no personal Doctor on call,
Nowhere to just check in,
Thats the world of your celebrity.
I will not discriminate fleeting moments of ill mental health that others have indulged,
So why discriminate me.
My illness is longstanding,
I’ve been institutionalised,
Penalised,
Accosted,
Persecuted,
Snubbed,
Ignored,
Ganged up on,
Disrespected.
I have been to Hell,
I could tell you about that,
Demons and Psychosis,
Hallucinations,
Manifestations,
Paradise,
Euphoria.
I’ve been down to the darkest place.
I’ve been up to the highest and brightest.
I’ve spoken to the people that movie characters are made from.
My eyes and ears have explored every crack and crevice of the mind and beyond.
I could tell you a tale or two,
Some you may have heard before,
Some familiar,
Some brand new,
But I refuse to speak to buttoned up ears,
Lost in translation,
Focused on fame and vaneers.
I worry I may loose,
Or confuse what has been
As my memory looses stability,
Due to medication,
And emotional sensitivity,
And so I share snippets on here,
Both to remind and for those that support me.
One day I shall tell my full story,
Awake my imagination from slumber,
Mix everything together,
And share a rainbow of novels to suit everybody,
When the world wakes up and sees my potential as an endearing literature somebody,
Fueling books,
Theatre,
Television,
And film.
My stories,
Honest and brave,
Timeless.

#bupamindawards

Proud and honoured to say that we won baby!!!!!! My now dear friend @marverinecole won journalist of the year for #blackgirlsdontcry and so I am as proud as punch to have been involved in this original, very much needed to be spoken about documentary which explores #blackwomen #mentalhealth #mentalillness please have a listen and share. All media content of the night shall be posted on my Instagram in due cause. In the meantime please check out what I do best, which is raise #mentalhealthawareness via www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk for the readers, “No One’s Lounge” via my #YouTuberChannel noone adiaryfromnoone for those that prefer to sit and watch.
I have suffered from #depression for more than half of my life, I was diagnosed at just 16 years old. I had a breakdown 2013 and got diagnosed with #BPD #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #EUPD and after bad times of self harming, suicide attempts, constant hospitalisation, I have managed to stay out of hospital for almost two years now, I am on a slow road to recovery and want to keep sharing my story to help others…
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0b9zfws
I am so impressed with @mindcharity for recognising, identifying, challenging, accepting the vast spectrum of mental illness and for championing and acknowledging those that are brave enough to share their stories. Apparently they have been for over 20 years. That is impressive. Together we are strong and as for next year, I hope to be a shortlister and to be invited to come along to cry, laugh, applaud, relate, be inspired, appreciate once more, next year 2020.

Whatever Makes You Happy (even if just for a moment)…

I was christened Methodist at birth but most of my foundations and early beliefs of religion came from attending and being educated in a Catholic Primary School named, St Martin De Porres. My nan still says, “Say your prayers” everytime we speak. Yet after primary school, religion wasn’t ever really part of my life. Like most western people my age, growing up, family Sunday dinner (even if just Mum, the dog and I) was a ritual, not going to Church. I was always curious about religion though, I guess it was more about understanding my surroundings rather than looking for a saviour. Birmingham, England is and always has been extremely multicultural, I wanted to understand what my peers were upto, believed in and committed to. I was just curious and therefor Religious Studies was one of my favourite subjects at secondary school. There was so much to learn about, it made me question how all of which fit together, who was I to say what was fiction and none fiction, that one religion or another made more sense or not and so I vowed that until I found the time to study every single religion, it would not be fair for me to side with any which one without all the information. To this day I have never found the time to do so and so I stand by the tittle Agnostic, which for me means… I believe in some sort of higher power but as to which exactly, I do not know. Most of the people that I know are Atheists. The truth is I don’t mind what religion anyone follows, as long as they do not force it upon others.
I consider myself to be rather spiritual. Believe me or not, I have no reason to lie, I have psychic dreams, I have had three encounters with angels and I am still figuring it all out but this year I started to attend a spiritualist church. It is my saviour. With the nature of depression, I am down more often than not, whether it manifests out of me as suicidal or manic and many complex shades in between, I find it hard to be still, calm and have a free mind, but spiritual healing enables me to explore being zen, even if just for a moment every week which I attend. Hands on healing is extremely powerful. At its best, I can only explain the transaction between the healer and I with this metaphoric description; before healing I am a battery controlled object in an inanimate state, when I am touched the very first contact is like being plugged in on super charge, my body hair pricks up and a wave of cold hits me from head to toe and then heat is transferred to the areas in which I am touched, I am physically and mentally awoken, walls are broken down and restored. Sometimes I cry, sometimes my head hurts, sometimes I feel sea sick as I tend to be gently rocked both forward and back, side to side by the comforting powers that be. There is nothing human that I can compare it to, nothing that I have personally experienced, but please take my word for it, it is wonderful.
Healing/Church/Religion/Spirituality may not be for you but I urge you to try something substance and toxic free to help clear your mind and recharge, life is hard and with no you time, to reset, self reflect and self focuss, life can be an unpleasant, continuous and seemingly pointless cycle. I do not insist but encourage you to experiment if you have not yet discovered your happy place to reboot, maybe explore with yoga, meditation, mindfulness, any activity that focuses on self attention and reflection without the aid of distraction and find your happy place. You deserve it. We all deserve to feel wholesome, even if just for a moment in our fragmented lives. You might not find your thing straight away, it took me 35 years to connect the dots but we are all fragile and all deserve to be healed.
I just think everyone deserves an occasional worry free, float in the clouds, lifted, supported, enabling energy/feeling every now and then because we all fall down sometimes and it is so nice to be helped back up.

Dark Mind…

The most scary place that I have ever seen,
Is far worse then you can imagine,
Way beyond your darkest dreams,
Because you are not confronted with how real it seems,
But a reality most revealing,
Where terror brews not from paranoia,
Fear of the unknown,
But simply,
And unmistakably,
What is,
I have been,
I have witnessed,
I have been imprisoned,
In the timeless,
Commonly never opened,
Nor revealed,
Vermin infested part of the mind,
Where what we commonly know as darkness,
Is light,
Leaving nothing out of sight,
No boundaries,
No filter,
All monsters roam free,
There is nowhere to hide,
And they are all after Me,
If you don’t believe,
Stay blissfully in denial,
If intrigued,
I warn You,
Stay away,
You are free,
This is a place of horror,
That you do not want to visit,
Or see,
Because there is no coming back,
It has a hold of many,
And has brutally captured Me,
Life now,
Will never be the same as it used to be.

Dancing out 2017

Sitting on the frosted curb,
Left with a sprinkle of premature December snow,
Whilst delicately seperating my festive mince pie,
Like breaking bread in church,
Preparing bite size portions,
In order to waste not,
And leave not,
A telling trail of crumbs and succulent fruit.
Tis Yuletide once more!
2017 has passed with the lightening speed of a Polaroid camera flash,
Had me Waltzing around the ballroom,
Frantically changing style,
The purposeful march of the Tango,
The military Quick Step,
The merriment of Jive,
Freestyle contemporary,
Dirty Meringue,
Repetative schottische,
The Rumba in my feet,
The Samba in my mind,
Picking up pace,
And then falling behind,
The manic Quick Step,
And monotonous Two Step,
Frozen in the Spotlight,
And dancing in the rain,
All in twelve months,
My very own,
“Marathon ’33” endurance test,
Bewildered at how I ended up in this wretched contest!?
Competing with my past,
Struggling in the present,
Unenthusiastic about the future,
Fatigue engulfing both my body and mind,
Whilst the other contendors race ahead,
Leaving me behind.
Finally,
I sit,
I notice that my bruised and swollen feet,
Pang in tune with the beat of my mirroring heart,
My exterior,
In this delicate moment,
Where I have stolen a moment,
To stop,
Paints a picture of a tired,
Yet recovering soul,
But let it fool you not,
As I am still stuck down the rabbit hole,
It is here when I decide whether I want to crawl out,
And I do,
Without a shadow of a doubt,
But tis a complicated process,
I cannot merely scream and shout,
Rely fully on others to get me out,
But your love,
Support,
Empathy,
Consideration,
Patience,
And understanding,
Would help the log fire of my being,
Not fully burn out,
Give me the motivation to get up,
And keep dancing it out,
Demanding change,
As I dance free of the chains,
That have held me captive this 2017.

Could You Press Pause?

When life is good,
And you feel fit,
Feisty with fire,
That ignites the power within you,
To fight with all of your might.
No mountain too high,
No river too low,
Good to go.
Like an eagle you soar the sky’s,
You see the whole world,
Tiny,
Through your powerful eyes,
From the very top,
All powerful and mighty,
You take it all in,
Knowledgeable and wise.
Nothing to fear,
Safe up so high,
Near where heaven lyes.
You thought out of harms way,
Yet monsters are real,
And they will find you if they want to,
Day or night,
Dark or light,
With the power of their third eye,
They can always find you,
So don’t ever let your guard down,
Or they will surprise you!
When darkness comes,
Like a magician’s cloak,
It swoops down and covers the light.
Senses lost,
With sudden change,
You are out of control.
Catapulted out of safety,
And highly at risk!
When life is bad,
You feel only sad,
It’s not something that you would choose,
Being stuck with the blues.
The monsters of the night,
Scurry and reep all good from you,
And around you.
Only bad news left,
Wishing you could walk in another man’s shoes,
Any other shoes would do!
When stood on the volcanic and jagged rocks of a cliff,
Your head as high as the slight and distant twinkling stars,
Pretty from a far,
But shooting ones will strike right through you,
Like a bullet from a gun.
Beneath,
A pit of fire.
All of a sudden,
Such an ugly place to be!
Could you press pause?
Take it all in?
Breath in?
Reset?
Manipulate your environment to your liking?
Turn around and walk with caution,
Don’t look back,
Only forward?
Or jump without hesitation?
Cut out the frustration,
Eternal probation of some kind of higher power,
That is holding you back from revelation,
With sleep deprivation,
You fall into the Devils heart,
Only wild dogs hear you cry.
Ashes to Ashes,
As you singe to dust.
Leaving nothing but the toxic stench of death,
Obliterated,
No time left for tears,
Remorse,
Or regret.

BBC ONE…. FEATURING NONE OTHER THAN I…

Thursday 30th March 2017 was a fantastical day for me. With very short notice (which in high insight worked only in my favour) I was invited to London to speak to a small group of brave and inspirational fighters of ill mental health. All four of us had very different experiences of ill mental health, yet became United when we all acknowledged how empowering both embracing and communicating our experiences have been rewarding and healing on our journeys to recovery. My consistent contact with my support worker for example, talking, sharing and expressing my feelings to her are both refreshing and therapeutic. Some people talk to friends, lovers, family, psychiatrists, whom ever you talk to, a huge part of the healing affect that, that gives you, mostly comes from within, because you have allowed yourself to acknowledge and release!
There are still so many misconceptions about mental health, the subject carries an awful lot of stigma and negativity and is still often considered as a, “Taboo” subject. Until people are brave enough to speak out, loud and honestly about their experiences within the realms of mental health, we cannot blame people for their ignorance and misunderstanding. The best way to educate people about mental health is to speak openly about it, not to be ashamed and feel like you have a dirty little secret. Bottling up leads to denial and increases pain and suffering. Acknowledging and sharing your experiences helps you to process and is a huge step towards recovery. People need to speak and people need to listen, embracing this attitude creates a safety net, takes the weight off your shoulders and brings people together.
Celebrities are starting to admit and share their mental health experiences, the platform of networking that they have means more and more people are becoming aware that mental health exists, that people from all walks of life can have episodes and highlights the fact that it is OK and actually quite common to be vulnerable.
Suffering from BPD, Anxiety, Depression and psychosis myself, I have many stories to tell and share about my experiences, what it is like to be me hour by hour, what being institutionalised is like, how successful/incompetent NHS Mental Health Care staff can and cannot be. The list goes on…
The saddest thing is that even though more and more people are acknowledging and accepting that mental health is just as important as physical health, the budgets just keep getting cut. I am personally fundraising for a community and family friendly festival to celebrate mental health awareness and also donating the majority of the proceeds to “Changing Minds” charity, who distribute the money they receive between Birmingham and Solihull Mental Health Foundation Trust. I don’t have a huge networking platform or a huge social media following. I am just no one in particular that is trying to do an extremely good thing whilst simultaneously suffering with mental health and fighting to stay on the road to recovery. It has nearly been a year since my last hospital admittance. Hooray! Yet realistically I could quite easily relapse tomorrow, staying safe and alive are two extremely difficult tasks for me. I am fortunate enough to have both family and professional support and I do communicate but even I often edit the truth, hold back on being completely free and sharing because I don’t want to go back to hospital! So please don’t feel that I do not understand how hard it is to voice and share how you feel and how you are or are not coping. The idea is that once initiated, it may get easier. I think at the very least, this is a great avenue to explore and if it is difficult, try to persevere. Nothing is easy but your life is worth fighting for.
Please check out the BBC link, I feature just after 20 minutes in…


Also please share/talk about/donate towards my crowdfunding…

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/jade-laurie-hart?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Yimbyprojectpage&utm_content=jade-laurie-hart&utm_campaign=projectpage-share-owner&utm_term=3wyAXEnQp

Keep communicating, thank you for reading.
X

When The Curtains Close…

When the curtain’s close,
And the applause dies down,
I enter another dimension,
Spinning dizzy on an irrational Merry Go Round.
My mask scrubbed off,
Costume neatly hung,
Lines stored for tomorrow,
I cannot pretend anymore,
And I am left in sorrow.
My hands shake,
Arms ache,
As I try to embrace myself,
Rocking back and forth,
Backwards and forth.
Most people get nervous when the stage lights go up,
Yet for me,
It is when the lights go down.
My heart sinks.
There is no platform to pretend anymore.
I loose my voice,
My heart heavy and sore.
Weak in the knee’s,
Unsteady feet,
The magic fades,
Leaving me weak.
The star has gone,
I am No One,
Someone,
Anyone,
Everyone,
No sense of self,
Or belonging,
Alone,
Just me!
Whoever that may be!?

© 2019 A Diary From Noone

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑