Rouge In Lavender Fields…

The gift you never asked for,
Never knew you grew,
Flourishes unapologetically,
Shines for all of you,
And I hope someday for me, Myself too!
A pool of darkness distorts my reflection.
I’m tainted,
Struggling to see what you do.
An undeniable beauty,
Mislabelled as an obscurity!
Difference seems to always be,
Unfairly tested,
Rejected,
Unprotected.
Stop and look for yourself,
Do you embrace or recoil?
Do you gaze upon?
This rouge flower,
Tis me,
Rouge in Lavender Fields.
Delicate,
Unique,
Favourable to the eye,
Honestly extremely hard to come by,
So underrated,
So many of you just cast me aside,
Or pass me by.
Yeild me,
Without protection I am weak,
Depression looms above,
I try to keep it out of reach,
But there’s alot of it,
Unapologetic and non discreet!
I deserve something different,
More worthy,
Something for me,
I share because I care,
But just a pocket full of integrity,
May protect me from exogenous negativity bestowed upon me,
And the lingering pain that consumes me.
Better off snatching love,
Than to give up or retreat.
It is happiness I seek!
Love,
Safe Home,
Marriage,
Children,
A family,
Humble dreams,
For me,
The basics bestowed upon you so easily,
That you therefore take forgranted,
I speak of blessings,
And they are not bestowed upon everybody!
Set backs left and right,
Forward and back,
When will the universe shower me,
With all the things that you have,
Given so generously,
That you acquired so easilly?
Leaps and bounds ahead of me,
I try to not compete,
Bow down in defeat,
Be bitter,
So I wait patiently.
But why?
Is it my ethnicity?
Background of poverty?
Did I sin?
So bad it weighs unforgivable?
The clock is ticking,
Time is running,
Seasons running out.
Trying to manifest,
At my best,
Forgive all lifes unpleasant tests,
But I will never forget,
Flipping loss and blazing trauma.
Somehow still defiant,
Gaining strength,
In hope of prospect of a shot,
Sharing my beauty,
We will be a team,
An army,
A family,
Leave nature be,
If I trigger you badly,
But I truely wish you no harm.
I need tending to,
To help me along,
Glow and flourish,
Not disintegrate into rubbish,
Leaving no trace amongst the Lavender.
If you embrace,
There is enough space,
For us to place besides one another,
Strong and together.
Only fate and destiny know what opportunities may present to me,
My pain is testament to my past,
But in this present day,
Please embrace me,
Acknowledge and accept me,
Reach out,
I do need help,
To transition,
And catch up at last.
Diversity shouldn’t be a curse for me,
My mental illness should not hinder me,
Ignorance should not be an opportunity!
Embrace with me,
I’m the rouge,
Rouge in Lavender Fields,
I welcome your acknowledgement,
Nurture,
Support,
Understanding,
And admiration.
I hope to blossom,
And spread seed,
Generation,
To generation.

Worms Meat

I’m sorry that I get lost,
And for whatever cost that conjures up for you.
Just hear me now when I say that it is never my intention to hurt you,
Just like the pain you often unconsciously & constantly impact upon me.
Drowning,
Suffocated by the waves of the sea,
Unable to speak,
Reach out,
Lungs first filled with dispair,
Now lacking oxygen and air,
No one anywhere,
To help me,
No one sees me,
No one hears me,
No rescue,
And even if…
No remedy,
So with great tragedy,
I am taken,
Before you awaken to the facts of BPD,
Recognise how your actions,
Or lack of,
Have affected me.
How you may have triggered me relentlessly,
Saying you’d be there,
But keeping your distance from me,
Making me feel a menace,
Because my times of despair don’t suit thee.
How you showered me with assumptions,
False testament that you care,
Would always be there.
No professional support,
Lacking supervision,
Troubled mind,
Troubled soul,
Constantly fighting,
In competition,
Against the dark.
Beginning to dream of the light,
The dark reigns to tight,
Engolfed me,
Strangulation,
Dumping me,
Asphyxiation,
Abandoning me eternally,
I die,
Fighting until the last breath of my life,
Which I have taken,
Keen to try the unknown,
As ripped apart,
My connection to this world no longer sewn.
Typically late,
Perhaps once gone my transparency shall be found,
And then you will hear my story,
And perhaps understand me,
Learn from me and my legacy,
Help others whom are like me,
As my archives will be available for eternity,
And I hope I won’t be bitter,
All will be forgiven,
Despite your triggers of rejection,
Abandonment,
Inability to understand when I needed you to help me,
Ultimately making worms meat of me.
I may leave this mortal coil,
But my soul shall shine eternally.

adiaryfromnoone

Hello me lovelies, just a reminder that my YouTube channel adiaryfromnoone BPD playlist releases new footage every week on a Sunday. I will do my best to provide you all with food for thought every week of 2021, but of cause suffering from BPD myself may make my goal impossible; yet thusfar (30/03/21) I have kept my pact, despite being in hospital for an entire week but it was very demanding and hard work. I must be real with both all of you and myself, there may be some blank weeks. To stay on top, on track and to never miss out… Please show your support and share videos like…

And please subscribe asap, it gives me drive, because analytics, if not likes/subs/comments proove that I am reaching people and hopefully helping/educating/relating/processing bringing love and light through truth and reflection of mine own experiences and empathy. I am not a medical professional nor mental health practitioner but I am a self appointed mental health advocate. I believe sometimes you have to know somethings through experience, not learn through textbooks but life itself. adiaryfromnoone is about helping others and encouraging togetherness because of strength in numbers, so please join me and share both this website and YouTube channel to help ke help others?
❤️☀️🙏🏾 Just copy and paste either below…
adiaryfromnoone…
https://youtube.com/channel/UCpOtZyoRdlme1v3uX-fhYTA
BPD Playlist…

I cannot dismantle my entirety to suit you!

When the flip shall the two meet,
I know I have Mental Health Issues,
And I don’t expect anyone or regular health staff to fall at my feet,
But a bit of empathy would be a real treat.
I am not violent or eratic,
So people think I am just sensative and perfetic,
But I got news for you,
We have a variety of personalities just like you,
Cus we be humans too!
There’s no need to belittle,
Speak over,
Condescend me like you do,
I’m here for ill physical health,
But meatal illness and BPD is part of me too!
If you got a problem with that,
Don’t make it mine,
You do you,
Boo!

adiaryfromnoone declares you have nothing to prove…

Started off as a dream,
So possible and real it tasted,
I devoured that cream.
Manifested into a nightmare,
A brutal scare,
My thrown now a rusty chair,
My crown,
Now made of thorns,
Slicing my scalp and cutting my hair.
Prayers silenced,
Praise scorned.
All this pain and suffering,
Viscously corrupting,
Emerged so abruptly,
As I lost everything,
Relentless and unsubtley,
Never saw it coming,
Never heard a sound,
Just all of a sudden I couldn’t cope being around,
Not long term,
Short term,
Day by day,
I wanted to permanently disappear,
One way,
To go away,
And I tried so hard,
A number of times,
But the Lord never took me,
Perhaps punishing me for my crimes,
Equality is not what it seems,
Poverty,
Racial disparity,
A black child dared to dream,
Nightmares a reality,
Made me feel unclean,
Unworthy,
Undeserved,
Untalented,
I then understood the world I live in,
Why I never made the final cut,
Got the guy,
Got the part,
Never had good luck,
But I,
Got bullied,
Ridiculed,
Rejected,
As injustice has found me over and over again,
I cannot remember now,
The last time when,
I felt entitled to dream,
And able to start again!
Perhaps in another life,
A reincarnation,
Unless a higher being pardons me,
Grants access to fair accessibility,
Maybe I will reach that destiny,
Eventually,
The greatest achievements,
They never come easily,
A blackbelt in combat,
Battling all things bad,
All things sad,
Maybe one day I’ll make Mumma glad that she had me,
Make her proud,
Maybe the end of my story wont be so bad,
I’ll amount to something,
Use my pain and suffering,
To help others when they get angry and mad,
When their tears keep pouring and they can’t shake the sad,
When they make poor choices and do something bad,
adiaryfromnoone won’t judge,
adiaryfromnoone does not exclude,
adiaryfromnoone declares you have nothing to proove.
You are good enough,
There is no spell,
Nor magic pill,
But with patience and skill,
You can do better,
I believe you will.
I am no Messiah,
Miracle maker,
I have my limits too,
But self belief,
And the blessing of another,
Is a secret super power,
To clear the self hate and clutter,
Making room to get better,
Together.

6 week bender…

Back in the day, this tittle may have suggested parties and substanceabuse in one way or another, now its a realisation that I have been somewhat manic all year thus far. Stepping out and actually thinking about iy all, I spot self image and splitting issues, I really consider myself (Jade) to be entirely seperate to adiaryfromnoone but we shate the same heart and mine is broken!
As adiaryfromnoone I am strong, resilient, passionate, brave, open, honest, processing, investigating, reflecting, relating, educating and bossing mental health awareness.
I had been familiarising myself with like minded people, in Facebook groups and sharing my informative videos from the BPD playlist on my YouTube channel adiaryfromnoone only to discover that some groups are very territorial, not fans of my sharing, most likely in fear of me taking the spotlight. I cannot believe (especially the BPD) groups are so pernickety and controlling about my posts. I want to reach out and help, my style of which is by sharing my weekly video’s. Trying to stick to one post a day, despite having a personal odd relationship with time, gave me purpose and healing, to have this access taken away, by the groups designed to help me is hypocritical, contradictory, damaging and absurd.
So now, rejected with no idea of how long I will be blocked and then the need to try and not have that block repeated is unsettling and upsetting. I am fragile, this knock may seem small but I do not cope well with change, my hours and hours of busying myself with adiaryfromnoone every single day, has been taken away.
I don’t know how else to reach out. This is why I have created the Facebook group; MENTAL HEALTH CHAT to not be selfish and limiting, to obviously be weary of trigger posts but to allow people to share and communicate through whatever avenue suits them best, poetry, art, chit chat, offloading etc,so please join our currently small but exciting and refreshing group, “MENTAL HEALTH CHAT”.
So if you read this, on my behalf, please share the following on all socials;
YouTube channel adiaryfromnoone and the BPD playlist, the more people I reach, the more peole I can connect with.
https://youtube.com/channel/UCpOtZyoRdlme1v3uX-fhYTA
Love & Light ❤️ ☀️ xx adiaryfromnoone
Your subscriptions let me know loud and clear, that my mission to raise mental health awareness is being received loud and clear 🙏🏾
Plus I thank you for always finding the time to pop by here and read my latest. Thank you.

2020

Oh 2020,
You have taken so much from us,
And given us plenty,
Of unwanted inconvenience,
Pain,
Debt,
And misery.
This pandemic,
Has turned the planet upside down,
Dam it!
Covid 19 will go down in history,
Murdered many,
Attacked many,
Annihilated freedom,
Seperating everybody,
Causing global suffering,
As we have had to contend with you.
From where hence you came is still a mystery,
But my goodness you have evoked enormous tragedy.
The government does not disclose everything,
But if you think,
There isn’t too much of a mystery,
The death rates shared connect only to the virus,
Not the neglected terminally ill that have been passed a side,
And the medical emergencies cast aside,
The homicides,
The suicides,
All connected,
As in one way or another,
We have all been affected,
Had snowball effects to contend with.
My mental health has suffered,
The uncertainty of this year brings huge cruelty to those vulnerable mentally,
Contending with the day to day,
Without support,
In this current climate,
Is beyond hard.
When you have mental health difficulties,
It is not just the paranoia and fear,
But the mistreatment,
Inaccuracy,
Incompetence,
Inconsistency,
The inability to provide care,
Has really shocked me,
And taken its toll.
I worry for those with nobody,
And wish I could personally help everybody,
Because I have empathy,
Which this year has confirmed to me,
Is completely lacking in the mental health industry,
At least with those whom are connected to me.
As Christmas time dawns,
I worry for those whom feel forgotten and lonely,
If you cannot connect with somebody,
I welcome you to contact and lean on me,
Because I am genuine,
I care sincerely,
About you and your mentality,
It’s not about job targets and a salery,
My kindness comes freely.
You deserve hope and Christmas cheer,
Just as much as anybody else,
I value your existence,
And want you to have a happy new year.
If not adiaryfromnoone,
As I am only one someone,
Try sane,
Mind,
The semaritans.
Your existence is a blessing,
So please fight to stay here with us,
Better days are ahead of us,
And I don’t want you to miss them.
It is OK to struggle,
You need not justify,
This year alone,
Is answer enough.
Just don’t keep it all in,
Lips buttoned up,
Release and be rid of your pain,
To stay healthy and sane.
Let us remember those we have lost this year,
Be weary of more deaths to come,
As the end of 2020 dawns,
We can leave it alone with its prickly thorns,
And be hopeful for better,
Safer,
Less isolated,
Happier days in 2021.

Covid and BPD

2020
You’ve given us plenty,
Of crap we could have done without,
But if I scream and shout,
Who exactly would I be helping out?
The elderly,
The vulnerable,
All brushed to one side,
As corona we prioritise,
But I am struggling mentally,
Given up on grounds incapability,
The lack of care,
No one there,
The blame they dish out,
But never admit,
No apology,
For the strain on my mind and body,
A drought of the drugs you so-called critically prescribe,
Termination of support being beside me,
Disregarding my disclosure,
Of suicidal thoughts,
Paying no mind to my plans,
I know I am a lucky one,
Because I have love,
And all that terminates my plans at this time,
But I fear for those whom have no one to keep them about,
Because no matter how much you scream and shout,
The help seem to babble alot of nonsense,
Have no moral conscience,
Promise the world,
And when it comes down to it,
They have no inclination of how to help,
Despite it being in their favour,
Because this abandonment way means,
Less traffic,
Less demand for beds,
We’re no longer a problem,
And so they are released of our burden when we are dead!
There has been no intervention,
Because suicide prevention,
Means more bodies,
More fuss,
More voices,
Popular advice,
Just shhhhhh!

Mr Speaker

Dear Mr Speaker,
I am a vulnerable adult,
My mental illness has been rife,
Since way before this Pandemic strife,
Ergo this is my life.
You say no people are allowed around my house,
But the gas man just called me up to say his entitled to visit,
So now I have to accommodate a person who is in and out of bubbles for a living,
If Corona hasn’t affected him,
Still God only knows what he might be carrying,
What he may bring in with him!?
I have many rights,
But apparently this I cannot fight.
Just one phonecall for them,
An unrequited large dose of stress for me,
I’m shaking to the extent that you can see visibly.
I tried to explain,
Back up,
Maybe they felt unappreciated and like I was going to complain,
They threatened to turn my gas off completely,
Pressing my buttons,
I did not give in,
It’s lock down and I’m not in,
I’m elsewhere self isolating.
I know you don’t mess with gas,
But you cannot just impose,
And force your way in,
To properties that already vulnerable people live in.
No empathy,
Just pressure on me,
When I am just trying to be stable,
As bad news in 2020 just keeps on flooding in.
I don’t want a stranger in my house,
It’s not the right time,
I’m in a fragile state of mind,
Just a job for you,
This phonecall alone has me stressing,
Physical interaction with a stranger at this time,
At mine,
Has my head spinning,
Do I really have to let them in?
Put myself through mental times of testing?
I am left physically shaking.
Thanks for such an unpleasant awakening,
I am stressed to high heavens now,
And the days just beginning.

No One

Looking in the mirror,
I think I may have lost my identity,
When I broke down so much of my substance leaked out of me,
Some achieve hiding the cracks and honour that with pride,
I am unable to mask my ruptured crevices and so I cannot hide,
Hesitantly I share my journey,
But that does not make me an exhibitionist,
And please hear me when I say that attention is not what I seek,
I sacrifice all bad judgement in sake of helping others,
I tell all to help other people out.
As a woman of a certain age,
I’ve been left on the shelf,
Abandonment has erupted my ill mental health,
In search of sanity,
I pray for clarity,
Yet remain lost in a haze of memories and dreams,
Triggered psychosis,
Nothing is at it seems,
I know unhappiness,
Loneliness,
Deep, dark depression,
Anxiety,
PTSD,
OCD,
They are all a part of me,
But who am I actually?
With the baggage,
The tears,
The cover ups,
The fears,
Who I am doesn’t matter,
I could be anyone and everyone,
No one in particular,
Just unhappy,
I don’t know how to be anyone else,
Even though I no longer recognise myself