Low…

They say,
“Here today,
Gone tomorrow”.
One should feel relieved,
To rise,
When it be ‘morrow!
Yet with every new day,
For me,
My heavy heart,
Pangs with disappointment,
And wrenching sorrow,
The cycle never ends,
Nor does it thaw out,
Become hollow,
The lacerations are internal,
The exterior,
Just a front,
A show,
A cover Up,
For just how low,
I get,
And go.

13 Reasons Why…

After watching The Netflix Original, “13 Reasons Why” I decided to think about my own 13 reasons, as I often feel suicidal.The show is complex and realistic, it tells the story of a teenage girl who struggles to fit in and find herself, make positive and strong relationships with friends or lovers. She is both exposed to and experiences horrific trauma, she is bullied and misunderstood. She struggles with communicating her problems and slowly gives up after far to many unpleasant turn of events. I think that the message is, don’t give up, there is always help and a positive way out but in my personal situation, even with help intense medical treatment, currently fighting everyday from hospital, if not, then from home! The struggle remains, regardless of age or location. Here are my 13 reasons, +4… 1)Isolation (no one unprofessional person I can be 100% honest with 24/7) 2) rejection (biological father, modeling agency as child, step father, boyfriends, employees, friends and family) 3) abandonment (father, step father, boyfriends) 4) unsuccessful (dreams/career/unacomplished for my age) 5) unlucky (in general, in love, in health) 6) undesirable (baggage) 7) alopecia (embarrassing and confusing to lovers) 8) self harm (scars) 9) weight (plus size without intense maintenance that I sometimes cannot keep up with ill health) 10) mental health (mood swings, odd behaviour is demanding and requires intense patience) 11) impulsive (unpredictable and unsafe = dependant on help of any kind) 12) temperamental (good times and bad times cannot be forcast) 13) victimised (bullied) 14) Trauma (sexually assulted) 15) Pain (I feel sick to my stomach with the hatred I feel towards myself and cannot control, manage or contend with being me) 16) Voices (the theory) 17)Dissociation (the unknown, random, unexplained danger that I find myself in)
Reasons to live, 1) ideally a parent should never have to bury their own child. 2) I do not want to mess up my little sisters life! 3) I want to help other people with their mental health struggles and that….. that is currently it. I am honestly so tired of fighting this forever proving, endless and tiresome game. I know that this confession is a shame and may seem attention seeking or defeatist but it is my truth. I currently see no light, no rainbow, no gold, no silver lining. I have sort for help but after two months and counting, I am by No means cured. I think that I need to learn to live with this but the thought of this forever is not appealing in the slightest.

I am so bored of this inprisonment..

I go from 100 to 0 within less then 24hrs every single day. I often still manage to smile but it only lasts a short while. When in good spirits with good people, it is often as if my sadness does not exist. When alone, I busy myself with this site and other things such like. Then there are dark times when I cannot bring myself to be around other people because emotions are contagious and I don’t want to bring other people down. Sometimes I reach out to people but people are busy with their own problems, happiness and general lives. What did I do so wrong to deserve this hex, this curse that aches my heart and burns my soul!? I feel deflated, defeated and cannot get did of this dark cloud that looms above my head, weighs down my shoulders and vacuums all of the goodness from within me. What kind of life am I living!? How can I keep the beast at bay? I try so very hard to live and fit into this world but I must confess how overwhelming it is. I sit and I cry. From the outside in I probably look a little distant at times, but if you could see inside. See the floors in the mechanics of my mind. Hear the constant war from inside my head. Asphyxiated by psychosis, anxiety and depression. When will it stop? When will I be able? I like it best when I sleep, sleep with a steady heartbeat and dream of being free. I awake to the nightmare of my reality and often wish that I did not wake at all. Some people live in a bubble, somewhere light and free. I habitate in a cold and dark, rotting cell. Little steps like a baby, I try to move forward and recover but I keep falling, keep failing and lagging behind. When I manage to keep up and stay on top, there are moments when I forget my ill health. Then I come crashing back down, hitting the ground hard, as gravity holds me down. All hopes and dreams of really living cease as goblins feast on my spirit and mood, swallowing anything good, whole. I cling on for the people I love, the people that I hate, not for myself, who would want to cling onto this! Is it something to do with the world being balanced? Did I just get the bad deal? I don’t understand why I feel the way I am feeling and I would never wish it upon anyone else.