A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #love (page 1 of 4)

Broken Heart

I think the reason why I blog, write poetry, spoken word, music and reach out to people on social media is because I genuinely don’t want people to feel the pain that I do. I reach out to anyone and everyone because I feel like I have lost the contact and love from important people in my life and I try to fill that void by helping others. A heavy heart and tangled brain is a burden that often leads to isolation and fatality. A problem halved is a problem shared, because you need more than one hose to put out a fire.
I have lost friends, partners and family because I suffer from mental illness, BPD and all that sails in her. I have lost a huge part of myself, my dreams, my confidence, reputation because after being constantly bullied, denied/abandoned/banished by my biological father, excluded from family holidays and reunions and you can only pick yourself up and dust yourself off so many times. I can see a world without me in it, way more clearly than I can see a future for myself. I want my own family and their only burden would be to be smothered by my love and baffled by my pride, my husband and children would never doubt my love for them for as long as I live.
When you stop going out and attending social events/family occasions, inevitably the invites stop coming in, so do the phonecalls texts and all communication.
The only comments I receive are about my weight gain, belittling or denying my illness, I receive no love off the people that once gave me so much. Do I embarrass them? Offend them? Do they honestly think self harm and suicidal behaviour is something that I am proud of, that I take pleasure in?
When you come from a working class background and you don’t get private health care, even the professionals abandon you and let you down. I had a mini breakdown last year, because of the disgraceful way that I was treated in hospital.
A family member has said to me, “If you are going to kill yourself, just get on with it and do it!” I tried by the way. At least I know where I stand with that individual.
Life carries on. I think people loose patience with people like myself. The survivors have a strong network of support. So many others leave this world because fighting depression/anxiety/psychosis is like fighting an army and no human is strong enough to combat an entire battle alone. Not even fictional characters like Arya Stark from Game of Thrones! Even her badass needed much help.
I apologise to all whom I have hurt/disappointed/upset since my breakdown 2013. I need you to know (even if you do not understand) I am ill. Would you be able to resent someone with epilepsy? Sounds a bit silly and I am not literally comparing, but sickness is sickness.
I used to reach out alot more before than I do now, because I know that there isn’t really enough help, love and support out there for me from the people that I want and need. I got so confused, at one point I was even reaching out to people from my past, whom were left in my past for a reason, sorry! Desperation is a poorly lit torch. I now understand your side steps.
I don’t need to be ignored, excluded resented by my closest/oldest (long standing) /bestest and feel that I both have been and am being.
I feel like a spare part.
I feel so tired of fighting alone.
I feel like trouble and woes just keep falling upon my shoulders.
I cannot really help myself anymore, I try my hardest to be independent and self sufficient but my demons are often all consuming. I take my medication, accept professional help but it feels like prolonging the inevitable.
Friends come and go in life but best friends should stick around through ups and downs forever.
Partners come and go in life but should I loose my current one I really will explode.
Love is so important and we understand that it should be unconditional, but more often than not, it proves not to be.
Family are your family, blood is an undeniable bond but I don’t expect my third cousin in timbuktu to be there for me, yet I do get disappointed by my immediate family not.
Age is just a number when it comes to dealing with the emotional turmoil that I do, I still need a phone call, an I LOVE YOU, a cuddle, to be held and included. I hate confrontation and so I don’t scream & shout about all this but we all know.
I think people get tired of people like me, I just want those people to know that I do not choose to be this way. I don’t want you to have to tolerate me, feel obliged to be there for me, so I silently let you ditch me but it does upset me and doesn’t help me stay on top of recovery. I have tried to communicate and hint but you are all putting a wedge between us, just please hold on until I am secure with my special someone, I won’t survive on my one.
To my blog readers I am No One, a someone representing everyone and no one in particular, but to a few I should be a special someone, and all this someone wants is to feel loved and secure to fuel the fight and sun away those dark clouds.
So never feel a burden by messaging me guys, together we can silence those terror crys.

Devils Whisper…

I see what you donโ€™t!
I wish that I could open your eyes,
Rid of your blindness,
And finally let you see,
The beautiful colours around you,
That glistens around your circumference,
All at once,
From below,
And above,
Engulfing your whole mortal coil,
Your entirety,
Love radiates energy that transpires so loudly,
When it is pure,
And true,
It is visible to all,
But seemingly not you!
Somehow blind to it,
You are missing out on this organic beauty,
Is it your mistrust?
Or did I trust too much?
Are your faults to blame?
Or a fault of mine own?
Why am I even a factor?
I know that I have done no wrong,
At least not intentionally,
Itโ€™s a two person ticket on your love train,
But,
Envy,
Insecurity,
Suspicions of infidelity,
The devil whispers in your ear,
Clinging onto you,
Trying to ignite flames of jealousy,
Reaping from making you unhappy,
That negativity was his work,
Deceived,
You thought ill of me.
You being untrustworthy of me,
Has truly grazed me,
Bruised me,
And now I fear that it may not heal.
I know no other way to be but myself,
And so I wonder,
Am I at fault?
If so,
Will I continue to be,
Because I know not what to do,
But be myself,
Honest and true,
I would never betray you.
Has the Devil tainted your vision?
Distorted you perception?
Manipulated your impression?
Shaken you up enough to feel owed a confession?
When in fact this was the devils mission,
I have nothing to confess,
Yet I fear that my innocence has left you upset.
I now know not how to act,
What to do,
And fear that the only resolution is to distance myself from you.
I lose two,
But love should always come first,
If my absence is your remedy,
I back down humbly,
But let my actions not fool you,
I accept this duty for the saviour of your romance,
The only love I have ever had for either of you,
Has always been equally platonic.
Either way indecent thoughts were felt,
And travelled from a Devils whisper,
Delivered by your tongue,
Like a bullet to my head.
My heart belongs to another,
And even if there were any truth in the sabotage,
And Devils lies,
I hope one day you may recognise,
That I am loyal,
And would never betray someone,
Some two dear to me,
Never you,
Never you two,
I hope one day,
You may sincerely accept that fact loud and clear,
And come to love and trust me again too!

A Tribute To Sarah…

Listen to “A Tribute To Sarah” (Chosen adapted and sung by No One, Played and engineered by Mr J Goodall) by noone adiaryfromnoone #np on #SoundCloud

The link above will take you to an audio version of, “No One”… singing covers for none other then her dearest Grandmother, this notion should make you feel warm and fuzzy and so have a listen!?

Love!

Watching TV, seeing all of this freestyle spoken word got me thinking, I want to do that, give people substanance to chat. So challenging myself, I decided to freestyle. This clip came from the top of my head, No preparation, planning or pen to paper, no filter, nor fancy editting… if i did, i would have said inequality, I would have said racism over weighs love, hate over weighs love, vanity over weighs love… please share the love and check it out!? Xx
Please keep supporting me by sharing my posts, blogs, poetry and new chat show, “No One’s Lounge”. Follow, subscribe and feel free to contact me ‘re. Any mental health questions. I am just a self appointed mental health advocate, but sometimes you have to have lived, physically seen or experienced something, to get a genuine non bias foundation of knowledge. Chances are, I have seen it or experienced it first hand, when it comes to mental health, there for I have a huge amount of empathy. You shall not be judged by me. You will not be dismissed by me. I am No One, I represent everyone.
I believe that a fragment of inspiration for this piece transpired from the lyrics of the great, unfortunately late, “Amy Winehouse, love is a loosing game”. Sometimes life and unfortunate ailments and circumstances, stand between individuals and finding true Love, but to know it and taste it, like addictive poison, we forever seek more of it, but sometimes it cannot be found! Well you found it here… sending huge love out to You!
www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk
YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone

No One’s Lounge

To my readers,

Just as you support me by following this website and staying up To date with my poetry and blogs. Please help me in the same way by watching/sharing/supporting/following and subscribing to my YouTube channel, noone adiaryfromnoone and enjoy the festive pilot of my new chat show, No One’s Lounge. Enjoy acoustic music, magic and chit chat about Christmas traditions and how the season often evokes ill mental health within people. Comment, have your say and ask me anything. This show is for you. Merry Christmas 2017,

From No One ๐ŸŽ…โ˜ƒ๏ธ๐ŸŽ„

Three!

It has been so long,
Since anything has happened romantically,
For a long time there was no one,
And now there are three,
Cupid is finally paying attention to me,
Not with one bow but three,
A bisexual,
Lithuanian,
And a marriage divorcee,
I hope the numbers increase my chances,
In finding someone to love me,
As I have been waiting very patiently.

Little White Dove…

As the room spins and the ceiling lowers,
I lay alone on my sofa,
Romanticising about finally being with the one,
Someone,
Not alone,
For once,
When and will I ever meet my Prince,
As time passes,
It becomes increasingly hard to convince,
Me,
Convince me that one day I alone,
Shall become two!
I don’t want to be just me,
I want to be two,
But I must confess,
That loneliness,
Seems to linger,
And manifest,
I sparsely meet people,
And when I do,
The ones with potential,
They show no interest,
And the ones without,
They do,
So whilst the people around me,
Fall in love,
I must still fly solo,
A lonesome little white dove,
Just wishing that I could,
Be as lucky as the rest of you!
And so I must savour my fantasies,
As if they were my realities,
Because love cannot find everyone,
It keeps dodging me,
I must be,
That unlucky someone,
No loving for me,
The illegitimate bustard,
It was never part of my recipe,
And therefor not my destiny,
Love is not for all,
And it is not for me,
The sooner I realise,
The less pain and catastrophe my future will have in store for me.

Kate Wilkins…

When you sing,
Conduct,
And share your music,
Like an anchor sinks into the deep and seemingly endless sea,
A magnet of force,
Draws it directly to the very bottom,
My ears fall into a mythical utopia,
And your melodious sound engulfs me whole,
Hypnotised and mesmerised,
I feel every note,
Pump through my veins,
Clear my head,
My heart beats in unison with you,
My soul rises like the sun,
And time no longer bares any meaning,
I am with you,
And we are one.

No Love For Me!

How do you play the game of love? How do you even get to stage one? Dating!? Internet dating and I are really struggling to be on the same page. How much do you give away and how much should you keep zipped!? I have an awful lot of baggage, yet I wear my heart on my sleeve and don’t really like keeping secrets. I have become accustom to potential lovers getting on their bikes if they discover the skeletons in my closet, therefor in many ways, I would just like to get it all out and let them run before there is any danger of me getting attached! My mental health, alopecia and scars are a huge part of me but not all of me! I am loving, caring, funny, empathetic, generous and rather cute but I have alopecia, borderline personality disorder, scars and extra weight due to medication. All of my problems are genetic and through no fault of mine own. Whether I disclose just one or all or my problems, men just seem to run!
I threat that my fear of more rejection, makes me seem a little to keen and like I am in a rush but truth be told, I just want to fast forward to them running away and so I have no time to get hurt and can just move on to the next. You have to be in it to win it! I am thirty-three, all of my mates are home owners, married and having kids, whilst I am in mental health recovery, raising mental health awareness and struggling to get first dates! I want love, I am looking for love, but perhaps thus far in the wrong places!? I am searching online, speed dating and even applied for the but even they didn’t want me! So what do I do!? I call out to cupid quite often and only hope that one day he will answer and shoot some arrows for me because I want to be an awesome partner, loving wife and inspirational and doting mother.

My First Love…

My first love,
He was a millionaire,
These aren’t lies that I breath into the air,
What?
You don’t believe me?
It’s true!
And he was white too!
The love that we shared was real and true.
Against all odd’s,
We found each other,
We were young,
But we loved one another.
I,
The black girl,
From a council house,
With a young single mother,
Had unintentionally found someone quite opposite,
To be my lover.
We met in 2000,
The millennium.
Star crossed lovers,
From two very different houses,
Feeling all grown up,
In college now,
Ditched those school blouses,
A levels,
Studying English language,
Paying less attention to the teacher’s quotes,
Sending each other love notes,
Classic,
We slowly progressed from notes to texts,
At that time,
It wasn’t all about the internet,
Strangers,
Then lovers,
It was official,
Two had become one,
Inseparable,
Dependable,
Unbreakable,
Until,
We did,
Break!
Five years later,
Now adults,
Not teenagers,
we separated,
And spread our wings.
This boy,
This millionaire,
This millionaire white boy,
He loved me,
This girl,
This working class,
This working classed black girl,
I loved him.
Little did we realise,
How special this was,
Because it was so easy.
Now I get barely any attention,
And if I do,
It is so sleazy.
Most people peak at the end,
But I did at the start,
No one since,
Has truly had my heart,
But others have had his,
And so we remain apart.
Class,
Money,
Heritage,
Ethnicity,
Was irrelevant to us you see,
It wasn’t about colour,
Or money,
Our net worth,
Was our love,
That was our identity,
And yet no longer in contact,
I will always think of him fondly,
Because he accepted me,
All of me,
Embraced,
And loved me,
We needed nothing but each others company.
My first love,
Was just a boy,
And I was just a girl.

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