FRIENDS

Like the good song say’s…

“I’ll Be There For You…”

“So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A.
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but

I’ll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I’ll be there for you
(Like I’ve been there before)
I’ll be there for you
(Cause you’re there for me too)”

And so on…

I am not ready to return to London to live or even hang out and visit, but it turns out that the city of London is where my best friends still reside, therefor as they wed and prepare to wed, I must return way ahead of schedule. May I be spared from having an episode and get through both events gracefully. Should the worst happen, at least I will score 10/10 for maximum effort. I can’t get a bus to town and so all of this travel may very well kill me but, “She died trying to surpress her mental health problems in order to make her best friends happy” should make an awesome headstone!

I may not have a very special romantic someone, life may not be as I had wished, but… I do have some smashing friends! This vlog talks of two in particular! Please check it out and share…

London Baby….

Seeing all of these beautiful women in their short shorts, bikini tops, tight Spanish dresses and heels makes me more self conscious then ever. When I get body envy I only want to comfort myself with more and more food, have an ice-cream, have a milk shake, drink wine and sangria, eat pizza!
I am so self conscious, I almost don’t want to go outside of the apartment at all. The weight, the scars on my body, the colour of my skin, it is not my paranoia, people are looking at me and I just want to shout, “What exactly is your problem!?” Only I already know their answer, disgust!
So back off people. There are people with worse physical appearance then I, and when I get home, I must hit the diet and exercise regime hard.
It is one thing getting looks of disgust off a stranger,they shouldn’t be so bloody nosey or shallow. I stare at the girls but conceal the envy and just try to look polite! I have a hen do and a wedding to contend with, old faces and outspoken people will be making comments, vocally, with their eyes or both. I am not sure I can handle it!
If anyone that I am bound to bump into that isn’t particularly close to me, if we haven’t stayed in touch. I am like double the size of when we last met. So deal with the shock, do a bit of bitching and please just enjoy the company when we meet. I am on a long, long, long journey of recovery and would not be going back to London as yet if it didn’t mean so much to my friends!
I take antidepressants and anti psychotic drugs every single day! Both of which have weight gain as the main side effect. I haven’t just been eating cake in Brum for the last three years. I began to loose weight and then got far to comfortable and relapsed entirely with my x, plus I was in hospital for 22days May /June and the food there is not healthy.
I hope you are all just thinking…. Get over yourself! For once, this attitude will not offend me. My future trips to London are for the grooms and bride to be, I’ll just be drinking in the corner, minding my own business. I have only wrote this post because I am self conscious enough, without extra digs or comments about my weight and health, I don’t want my low self esteem plus anxiety to result in me not showing up. I am not as independant as I once was and so will not be able to see friends and family outside of the hen and wedding. I will only return when I feel well enough mentally and confident enough physically. I just really don’t want to let my friends down! So please help me by accepting the situation, I have a huge objection to not make my situation permanent xx

Firsts, for the umpteenth time….

This particular poem deserves an explanation.
I have been catching trains, busses and the tube for years. I was the queen of public transport. No journey to long and far or near and short. I moved to London at the age of eighteen. I had already become familiar with the London underground from as young as sixteen, as I would often visit the, “Big City of London” to perfect my acting skills at the likes of, “The National Youth Theatre” where I lived in halls and ferried myself around the city, to and from classes. I also have a lot of family in London and would find myself travelling from north to south, quite frequently whilst in the city.
From fourteen, I would often catch a train alone, all the way from Birmingham to Devon and back again, to visit my best friend at the time.
I had been catching busses alone in Birmingham from the age of ten/eleven. Being a city girl and then growing up and moving to an even bigger city, I was always comfortable and confident using public transport. Somewhere along the way, after having my breakdown, I first had troubles leaving the house at all, then as my confidence began to grow back, surprisingly I began to experience panic attacks every time I had to travel via public transport. The sort that draw unwanted attention and have you quite beside yourself. I really thought that I was ready to travel again but evidently, I was not! It got to the point that I just had to stop trying. It was making me so unwell, the panic, the anxiety, simply wasn’t worth it. I then discovered walking. This is now my favourite type of transportation, providing that I am not wearing heels. I am not always financially equipped to rely upon taxi’s, yet I still had hospital appointments to commit to, and so I used my feet. Some days I walk over six miles but if I have my music on, know the route, comfortable shoes on, the whole travelling experience is far less stressful. The fresh air and exercise really helps my mental health, but sometimes either the weather, distance, or my state of mind, can hinder the option of walking.
Most of my best friends live in London, the city that was my home for eleven whole years. It is a little one sided expecting them to come and visit me all the time but whilst I am in recovery, such a huge journey to see them is not currently an option. I have missed many a special occasion, because my mental health has hindered my confidence, abilities and to some extent my freedom! Someone recently asked me, “Why would you let such a little thing like anxiety dictate your life and what you want to do with it? After all, what is the worst that could happen.” All though the question came from a good place, it sparked a flame of anger inside of me! No one lets their health deteriorate by choice. No one welcomes any illness or symptoms, whether it be an illness of the mind or body. No one opts for pain or misery. No one would welcome all that I have had to endure with my sickness over the years, the psychosis, hallucinations, suicidal feelings, self hate, self loathing, self-harm, the weight gain. No one chooses such things. After being so independent, it is frustrating to have to rely on professional help, support and medication on a daily basis. It is hard to understand things that do not relate to yourself, your own personal experiences, I get that. This is why this site exists. To give comfort to those that have had to endure what I have had. To educate those who have friends and family like myself and no idea what to do, how to react, get their heads around it all. To my family and friends that are simply wondering what on earth happened and where their Noone has gone!?
I was booked to attend an event this February 2016. My very best friends stag weekend. We were all invited around December 2015. I paid my deposit like everyone else. I didn’t really pay attention to details, the events venue, location, the dates etc. I paid the full fee by Christmas. Not quite realising what I was signing up for, how far away it was, how long it was for and how expensive. I just wanted to go and be with my best mate. I just wanted to celebrate and be happy both with and for him but I didn’t think about all of the travel involved. I would suddenly have to become healthy minded and confident like my old self in order to attend. I was in an unrealistic bubble, thinking that I could jump from 0-100. I would some how need to travel around 207km to get there and go through it again to come back. There were several travel options but nearly all surrounding public transport. I have been having hallucinations for the past three weeks, there has been an increase to my self harm and as the event draw’s closer, I have had to admit to myself that it would all unfortunately be a lot to much, to soon.
Before I came to this decision, my someone came up with a cunning plan. A practice journey to prep me for the journey to London alone (before the accompanied beyond). My someone lives in a place most famous for its cross (I shall reveal no more). This certain place is situated bang in the middle of London and Birmingham. My someone accompanied me one way and then I travelled back the other alone. Yes! Not a typo! I TRAVELLED ALONE! It was very hard but I was focussed. I wanted to accomplish this journey for my best friend. To prepare, as to not disappoint him. My someone put me on the train, my mother was waiting the other end and I hated the whole experience in between, but I did it. With more and more practice, I will hopefully get more and more control back. I know that I will get better with time and practice. Wild horses could not keep me from the wedding. As I went through all this for you (Jam) I may as well dedicate this poem to you also. Thanks for inspiring me to conquer one of my main anxieties. For you, Mr Dale Williams…

You call me to check that I am ok,
I put on a brave voice,
Holding back the tears,
As all my fears come to light.
A little white lie,
I say that I am fine,
When I am actually quite the opposite,
And could murder a glass of wine.
I put down the phone,
And try to embrace being alone.
Glancing out of the window past my reflection,
Lights twinkle and glisten like stars in the sky,
Through the miles and miles of darkness.
My heart still pounds.
With shaking hands I try to alleviate the overwhelming anxiety,
By transferring my thoughts to paper.
Not long to go now,
When I am off this thing,
I will feel a hell of alot safer.