Today I feel the presence of the beast. I call depression the beast because it is the perfect name for it. It sprawls out over my body from head to toe, the burden of the weight makes me feel so heavy, I can’t get up out of bed. It’s teeth sink into my brain and like a virus, it filters its poison throughout my entire body. My eyelids are heavy, I cannot open them. Hypnotised and paralysed I lye down, asphyxiated and comatose, I just cannot get up. All plans unfulfilled, I lay in my bed. The law of physics expand beyond reason and gravity keeps me down. Like a pirate ship, my brain usually swings up and down, left to right, the highs and the lows. Today there is no light. No up’s. No highs. Merely darkness and only down. I want to get up. I want to do the things that I have to do. I can’t because I am bed ridden, with loss of all control, I simply cannot move. Drowsy, my state of mind drifts from conscious to unconscious repetitively. I need to eat. I need light and life but the beast holds me down!
The voices are constant. They urge me to take an overdose, to cut myself and bleed, bleed out until I die. With all of my might I plead to the beast, “Please let me go, let me get up, let me seek help?” He laughs and applies more pressure, weighs me down further.
I want to be well and able, I want to confide in someone, seek help but I now feel worthless, unworthy of any help at all. I turn my phone off and suffer in silence, give in to the beast that has devoured all hope.
Scared and so very alone, I wish with the little strength that I have left, I wish that these feelings will pass. I try to think of the good, caring, constant, stable, empathetic and loving people in my life. There are but a few, but a few all the same! The hope gets pushed down and I am left with only paranoia and doubt! Does anyone really care? All that I have is the beast, perhaps if I obey and succumb, he will be less nasty, less controlling. If I accept him, maybe his grasp will ease. I will do anything for this madness to stop. Anything. I cut and bleed and cry, then cut and bleed and cry, and then cut and bleed and cry some more. I seek calm, peace and contentment, it is all so very unobtainable until….until… until… it softens, the beast loosens his grip, my heartbeat starts to regulate, I can move! I can breath! He hasn’t gone, not completely but it’s over… for now!…
It’s not as easy as I had hoped it would be,
As it potentially could be,
But I don’t blame you,
Of cause I blame myself,
That’s just what I do,
But I don’t mean to put pressure on you.
I blame the fairy tales,
The “Little” white lies,
That help you fantasise through innocent eyes.
The dreams that your peers encourage,
They know that fairy-god mother’s, giant peaches, enchanted wardrobes and kissing frogs,
Are all incorrect and officially unobtainable.
They pump you up full of air,
Pretending to care,
Like fattening and grooming an animal before slaughter,
Sharing warmth and affection before chopping off their heads,
Only to watch us pop,
Deflate and drop.
Our eyes then open to the black and grim grey of reality,
Where nothing is certain but fatality.
There is no magic.
All is bleak.
The streets are not paved with the gold that you seek,
But drenched in blood from the past, present and future.
Divorce and prenups are our ever after.
There is no happy,
It’s a complete disaster,
Would it be easier should we have always been told the truth?
Do they hold it back at our expense?
Or to encourage some hope before all is lost?
Lies disguised in lullaby’s,
Until we grow old and realise,
So very clearly disconnected,
I have forgotten the feeling of being whole,
Eye’s wide open,
And a restless mind,
Yet motionless and still,
Paralysis has set.
I cannot move,
Yet I desire comfort,
To feel rested and self assured.
Against one another,
Sending mixed signals.
Yet running on empty.
Unsure of both,
Unable to do one.
My body remains static,
As my head jumps and skips from thought to thought.
And so this turmoil,
As it seems,
Is now my life.
I wish that I could see like you do,
You are forever sure,
You seem to understand the world perfectly.
I am interested and intrigued by your theories of life,
Those same theories that enable you to live as hapily as you do.
It’s not like I am content in a pool of sadness, unsurity and insecurity.
I aspire for better days.
I value all good things as you do.
Society and their taboo’s and hushed views may conspire against me,
But they will not hold me hostage.
I will endeavour to share my views and experiences as I develop and grow as a person.
I may remain the same, become like you or become someone entirely new.
I do vow to always be reall true.
Why is it that I am consumed with misery and destined for misfortune? A rotten egg, the runt of the litter, I was dealt the hand of disappointment. No matter which direction that I take, all rotes are filled with poison. Given an enormous heart, full of love, crushed and never to be loved in return. I repel all potential suiters. From family to friends and lovers, deserted by all and destined for a life alone. There is no remedy. My heart was built to love, but cursed, I shall never receive it. My heart, like a machine propels, searches and targets those to love but unsuccessful, self combusts. Crushed. I feel the heavy pangs in my chest. How cruel is natures path? To allow me to love so deeply and desire almost desperately, yet nothing in return. People don’t understand. How could they, if they don’t know this pain. I wish it upon anyone. I do not wish an explanation upon them, why burden them with my woes? I was born Alone and alone I shall die. Smothered with rejection from my very first day. My love like an infection. I pledge just to love and be loved in return but receive nothing but cold isolation. As to why, I shall never know. Banished to the outskirts of society. Out of sight, out of mind. They forget me, whilst all I do is think of them. Driven to madness, I slowly fade away. Unloved, without partner nor child, just a void of unhappiness. Wither, wither, I die alone.
Great expectations, Miss Havisham, “It is wise not to plan the years ahead to completely, everything that was certain can change in a heartbeat!”
It just got me thinking. I used to be so sure, so confident, I believed that I knew myself, my worth and believed that my dreams and desires would come true. I thought that I knew my friends, who loved me and whom I loved in return. I had such great expectations. Where things went wrong, I do not know. I struggle with the memories of my past, the uncertainty of the present and daunting prospects of the future. I no longer have great expectations. Depression amongst other mental health problems has suffocated me and left but only a shadow of what I once knew, devowerd every expectation that I once had. Everything that was certain has changed. I am certain of nothing and nothing I have become. Once strong, now weak. I daren’t dream because they never come true.
A baby is born,
Thus begins the circle of life,
Like fireworks we struggle and stumble,
Fall and get up again,
Make our journey through life.
The never ending circle of life.
As I stare at the moon and and the stars,
Feel the breeze gently brush against my skin,
I try to connect and be with you somehow,
Feel you somehow.
Like lit lanterns floating up into the sky,
My memories escape me with each exhale that I take.
I share them with you tonight because I need to be sure that you both knew and know how much I loved you.
Tomorrow we lie your body to rest,
Set you free to roam the galaxy and far beyond,
Whether it be heaven, the white place reincarnation or some other place unimaginable,
Don’t hang around to long for us.
We set you free.
And one day, we shall meet again.
with all of the love that we have in our hearts for you.
Please take comfort and pride yourself in knowing,
Our love for you will never die nor shall you ever be forgotten.
Rip, my Grandad John XXX
My support worker took me to buy an outfit for my Grandad and Cousins funeral today. Low self esteem and high anxiety accompanied me today like any other, but trying to be brave, I subconsciously suppressed it, until now. It’s 3.30 in the morning and although trying to distract myself with netflix’s finest, my heart is beating overtime and the practicalities of today are sinking in. The funeral is nigh and I am not prepared to say goodbye. I don’t want to say goodbye at all. I don’t understand half of the feelings that I am feeling. I am trying my best to hold it together for my loved ones and aware that I appear to be coping and taking it all in my stride but appearances can be extremely deceiving.
When you are a baby they sing sweet stories full of melody, happy tunes, your comfort providing sweet lullaby.
When you are a child they read fantastical stories, full of magic and wonder, dream inspiring fairy tales.
A little older, you develop a taste, now clued up, the stories that you read triger intrigue and curiosity, more knowledgeable and worldly the magic begins to fade.
At a more mature age, it clicks, things fall into place, your eyes open to the sadness in the world, you no longer believe in the magic, the news connects you to a world of woe and sorrow.The magic has gone.
Where’s the Gold?
Where’s the Prince?
Where’s the happy ever after?
The magic has gone.
The stories were wrong.
Reality strikes and you realise that the tales in fairy tales and lullaby’s are filled with nothing but deceit and fabrication.
Then the forever flowing world takes you full circle.
When you are with child, a child of innocence, you do not want to taint them with the sorrows of the world.
The lullaby’s and fairy tales resurfice.
It’s where all hope springs from.
Perhaps they are all lies, but until they recognise and the secrets unfoldunfold, we all deserve a bit of magic when we are young!
As you (the reader) will most probably know, I suffer from various mental health illnesses and have not long been out of hospital. A nurse/friend has taken the time to both visit and read my blogs and poetry and commented on my last blog about politics. I am not a politician, like many others, I do not fully understand politics, I only comment on things that have either personally effected me or mean a lot to my dear heart. I of cause replied to my friends message. I became extremely passionate whilst responding to her comment and I believe that it is worth sharing with you all. Being unwell, I receive a lot of care from the NHS and it is detrimental to my health. The prospect of a world without this care sickens me.
Hello Tre! What a lovely surprise to hear from you. I hope that you are well? Firstly I must thank-you for all of the kindness and support that you showed me in hospital. I value you, your colleague’s and The Queen Elizabeth hospital even more now that the election has passed and the Tories have won. I keep hearing all these threats on NHS budget cuts and how the NHS system maybe abolished in favour of America’s medical system! I hope to God that these rumours and conspiracy theories are indeed just that and that there is no truth in it, or all of that room in the lovely new and refurbished Queen Elizabeth hospital and all of the hospitals both old and new in the UK will be empty because no one will be able to afford medical treatment. This will only result in jobs being lost, financial crisis, more people on benefits (that they are also threatening to slash) and an epidemic spout of depression. The only people that will gain anything positive from all of this are the rich (paying less in taxes will surely only result in more holidays and designer shopping) and the funeral directors, obviously there will be an increase in death’s if people can’t afford the necessary medical attention that the need. What sad times are dawning!? We can complain, campaign, express regret but this stuff will not disappear, The Tories have the power and they can act upon it as they wish!