World Mental Health Day…

Does world mental health day mean we celebrate diversity and make it known that it is something to be embraced and accepted? Is it to acknowledge that mental health is a legitimate condition? Is it to remember all the people that we have lost to suicide? Is it to prevent hate crime caused by misunderstanding. Is it about breaking the stigma and taboo’s that go along with mental health. Is it to educate the ignorant? Is it to humble those that suffer in silence?
I sincerely hope that it is about all of the above. You know that I (No One) dedicate my life to raising awareness for mental health. I have depression. I have anxiety. I have BPD with symptoms of psychosis. I am not ashamed. All that I write is real. Take from it what you will and please share with anyone who you think may benefit from my blogs and poetry.

Peace And Love,

No One xx

La vida de los Juegos Olímpicos de

Life is like a tight rope,
And we are the gymnasts.
We find balance,
And goals are set.
We chase perfection,
Our objection is very clear,
To push through until the end.
Obstacles will get in our way,
It is not a game,
We will face danger,
This is not pretend,
Fear will find you,
And you may retreat,
Avoid the obstacles ahead,
But there is only one way to go,
And that is forward,
We cannot cheat.
The end is in sight,
You have to fight,
Yet no matter how thick skinned we are,
How resilient,
Quite simply,
We may fall!
Determination will fill you with fuel,
Your bruised pride will help you push through,
Start again,
We fall.
Start again,
We fall.
How long it will take?
We do not know?
Will others pass you and proceed,
I believe so.
We will get to the end,
It is just a matter of when?
And so we will try,
And try,
And try,
Again.

Boy’s Don’t Cry

I had a blue day today, I was just both physically and mentally exhausted. I couldn’t really sleep last night, despite being super tired! I’ve had a few negative thoughts running around my head and it scared me a little. I have not long come out of hospital and when that happens and you feel off, you can’t help but panic that you are going to loose control again. Luckily I had a home visit from a mental health nurse from , “The Oleaster, Home Treatment Team” today and I must applaud them. They are all so lovely and extremely helpful. The nurse told me not to panic, as everyone has blue day’s! That reminder was helpful, I may not process emotions as well as others but it is comforting to know that it is not I alone, who occasionally just feels off.
My support worker also visited today, instead of talking or sorting out this and that, I picked out four movies. She took one away, then I and then she again and we ended up with, “Boy’s Don’t Cry”. Well it is one of my favourite movies, although it is based on a true story and horrifically sad, it is one of those films that helps you put your own life into prospective. It always makes me cry. My support worker definitely got more then she bargained for. She left in shock.
Please read no further if you do not know the outcome and want to either explore the story of Brandon Teena aka Teena Brandon or watch the movie in tribute, ” Boy’s Don’t Cry”.
In memory of Brandon Teena, Lisa Lambert and Philip Divine, I have wrote a poem…

Diversity Is Not A Crime

I’ve seen him in the flesh,
He’s a man and so leave him alone,
Your acting like kid’s in a crèche,
But your sticks and stones ain’t broke no bone!
So leave it,
You’ve had your say,
Let’s be done with it,
Just go away!
John Lotter and Tom Nissen,
They just wouldn’t listen.
Beaten, Raped and Beaten again,
He had to fleet to a safe house for protection.
He was brave enough to press charges,
But all hell had broken loose,
It was pure carnage.
“Why do you run around with boy’s if you’re a girl yourself!?”
Said the sheriff who didn’t care,
And put the case on the shelf.
He had a sexual identity crisis,
He wasn’t a terrorist from ISIS!
Three lives lost,
Was the cost of this ignorant misunderstanding,
“Brandon Teena”, ” Lisa Lambert” and “Philip Divine”,
Perhaps now it would have been different?
A different place?
A different time?
Diversity is not a crime!

I wrote this for my Great Grandma just before she passed away… She has left us now but in our hearts she will always stay!

My Great Grandma,
You are like a star,
Shining all through your life from near or far,
Spreading light wherever you are,
You’ve packed your bags,
You’re going away,
It’s time to leave,
You can no longer stay.
We love you so much,
We don’t want you to go,
From the bottom of our hearts we love you so,
Because you are my Great Grandma.
We’re turning off the lights,
That you have shined so bright,
We’ll throw you in the sky to now spread your light,
And we’ll look up at you,
And always remember you,
Because we love you.
My Great Grandma.

five

There is this thing, that when you are older, like our grandparents age, funerals become your main social event! Everyone starts to go and leave us behind, and so they dress smart, pay their respects, then enjoy the odd drink or two as they reflect upon their net of contacts shrinking, and being left alone, the very last and final one.

A poem dedicated to Grandma (an epitaph soon to come)…

Five deaths in just under a year,
As you get older,
Nature starts to interfere.
There is nothing you can do,
About the pain that their departure put’s them through,
Put’s us through,
We can only hope that they have gone to a better place.

I feel so helpless… Wish me luck on this one!

Sometimes I really just don’t know what to do! I know that what comes up must come down but does it have to spiral so fast? Do I have to hit the ground so hard? I just don’t know what to do, and so I am trying to distract myself and heal by writing to you.
I have been having hallucinations on and off since Christmas. I keep seeing stuff out the corner of my eye. It’s almost like shadows, but shadows have to be cast by something right?
I just had a lovely weekend in the company of my new someone. I have been exercising. Sleeping well. Eating well. Doing everything tat normal and healthy people do.
Tonight I am alone for the first time in three day’s. I like my own company. The heating is on. I went to the gym today. I have had a bath and eaten my dinner but something dark has still surfaced.
I don’t want to burden my loved ones and those close to me by disclosing how I feel. I don’t want to worry people unnecessarily. If I try to articulate what is going on… I already know that, they wont get it. How can they? Even I don’t, and I am the one experiencing it.
It’s as if I am just not entitle to full blown, uncomplicated happiness. Thoughts and demons always get in the way. In good company, they are silenced but I am learning not to be fooled. All the badness just stores up and hits me in one go. I am paranoid about how I have come across, what silly things that I may have done and when darkness prevails, I feel like I am just a plague to everyone, that everyone would be so much happier without me in my life, and that deep down they realise this, which is why everyone always leaves. The suicidal feelings are then unavoidable. I look at the pills that I have in my kitchen and so far, little glimpses save me. I think about my mum, my step dad and my sister, I think about my new someone and a prospective future and whilst those images hold me back from darkness, the demons latch onto them by repeatedly saying that such people merely tolerate me, that they think they are fond of me, even love me, but if I leave, they will realise that being free of me will truly make them happy. How can I confess that to a loved one. They will try to persuade me otherwise, get offended that I am thinking so selfishly, so little of them, but it isn’t me. Yes these dark thoughts are mine, but they come from a place that I do not recognise.
So I have a bath, listen to music, watch TV. At the moment they are not strong enough distractions for me.
I self harm, try to take some control back. It starts to make me feel, feel something other then these nauseating thoughts and messages that I am in receipt of.
I cry.
I try to ease the three panic attacks that I have had over the past four hours by trying to regulate my breathing.
I plan to go and seek help tomorrow. Perhaps the professionals can shed some light. Perhaps their aid will rectify all the wrongs that are so dominant tonight. Perhaps this isn’t a relapse and a rather harsh reminder that I am still very much unwell.
Sometimes when in good company, I forget that I take all those bloody pills for a reason that if I am overcome with exhaustion, I must rest. I am entitle to, “A normal life” with, “normal” shenanigans, such as romance and socialising but I cannot block out the fact that I do suffer from various mental health problems. Such problems should not determine who I am and who I want t be, but they are indeed a very huge part of me, of who I am and who I am going to be.
The way that I feel is similar to the feel of being bullied. I can’t do right for doing wrong. Like tooth decay, I am rotting from the inside. It is painful and impossible to fight alone. There lies the catch, how can people help me if I don’t articulate what is going wrong? It is easier to tell a professional, they are impartial, they do not have sentimental ties towards me. They are familiar with what I am going through. They don’t always get it right but it’s worth a try as I know that I can’t fight this alone. I do not want to relapse. I do not want to put both my body and loved ones into trauma. I do not want to go back into hospital. I just want a peaceful and quiet time, to not feel invaded and helpless. Wish me luck on this one.
xx
Noone

Conform

Society put’s so much pressure on us all as a civilisation.
We must conform.
We must follow the unspoken rules.
In return….
There’s nothing in return!
Punishmsent is certain, if you don’t follow the rules,
But there is no reward for following them.
Not really.
And so we plod along,
Being dictated to,
And manipulated by the government.
You play ball,
Or you’re gonna fall,
And they ain’t to keen on second chances.
This is a rich man’s world.
Freedom does not exist to its full potential.
They have us believe it,
But we must conform!

Uncomfortable With The Great Unknown…

We allow ourselves to get lost in endless scenarios of pointless mayhem.
We indulge in money, wealth and materialistic attributes.
We make continuous mistakes.
We revel in hate, misery and jealousy.
We forget about those less fortunate then us.
We graft,
We climb,
We build,
We conquer,
Forgetting about nature,
Forgetting about love,
We strive for something other.
No room for errors,
Chance or mistakes.
We forget that we don’t know as to why we came about.
We can study,
Ponder,
Wonder about our existence,
In constant persuit of answers as to why we are here.
Perhaps as to why is not important,
Less important then just accepting,
Just honouring this wondrous gift.
Allow and embrace the uncertainty.
We know not why we are here or how long for.
We cling to reason, religion, theories, conspiracy,
Uncomfortable with the unknown.
Ranking ourselves above all.
Forgetting that we are insignificant,
Forgetting that we do not have control.
That we cannot begin to explain what we do not know.
Amongst shooting stars,
Endless solar systems,
Miles and miles of space,
What will be,
Will be,
And so just forget about the other stuff,
And try to be happy.

Hope

Without hope what are we?
Without hope we are nothing.
Without hope, leaves us only with darkness.
Without hope, why bother at all.
Hope allows us to dream and achieve.
Hope allows us to live another day.
Hope helps clean the cobwebs away.
Hope is something that we have to learn.
Hope inspires us.
Hope allows us to turn nothing into greatness.
Hope can prove to be disappointing.
Hope can be misguiding.
Hope can be forgotten, but cannot get lost.
Hope is always there for you.
Hope is pure and true.
Hope.
Be hopeful.

Religion….

I Watched a movie called, “The Infidel” with my neighbour last night. Prior to this we had a conversation about religion. My friend believes that if your parents are a certain religion, their children will automatically receive the same faith. For e.g. Parents A and B are Christian, they have a child named C. C will therefore be born a Christian. Is this true? Is this a real thing? I believe that until child C is christened, they are just babies/children/adults. I don’t believe that you are born into religion, you can be born into a religious environment but that doesn’t mean that you are automatically part of that religion. I also don’t think that simply being christened or any other religious alternative, makes you a certain religion, you have to believe, study, practice and understand a faith in order to truely become part of your religious family. I may be wrong but I am just sharing what I have always thought. My grandparents were born in the Caribbean but my parents were born in England. If my mum had to disclose her heritage in a form for example. I assume that she would tick, black British because that’s what she is, as would I,because I was born in England and that is what I am, but if my children were born in another country, that box would not apply to them. I personally apply the same principals from this analogy to religion. My mum is a devoured Christian, I was christened Methodist as a baby but have grown up to be agnostic. Thoughts and opinions welcome…
#Is religion hereditary? “Religion is a matter of choice, it becomes hereditary because parents raise their children confirming to belief they have held themselves all their lives. In a lot of cases though, this early indoctrination does not take hold, and a majority of atheists and agnostics come from religious families.” Wikipedia