Unbelievable, Inconvenience, Mystical…

What an unbelievable,
Inconceivable,
Mystical world we live in.
What we know from the past,
Guides us through to the present,
And enables us to predict the future.
There are fountains of knowledge to draw from,
Information is what we need,
In order to move forward and proceed.
As we learn from our past mistakes,
People continue to burden us with more,
Stopping us in our tracks,
Having to handle that,
Before moving on.
Terrorist attacks,
Dictatorship,
Fake news,
Only being spoon fed part of current affairs,
Spin the bottle politics,
Law defying aristocracy,
Substance less influencers,
Over night celebrities,
I think it is fair to say,
We have lost our way.
Our planets always on the move,
But we are bumping heads and going nowhere.
We don’t have to go full communist,
But footballers are earning more in one week than the average family earn in a year,
Same goes for actors,
A listers,
Yet these celebrities appeal to us,
To dig deep into our slight and empty,
Unlike there never ending, Deep pockets,
Telling us to make a change to those without.
In this materialistic,
Shallow era,
People are ploughing forward,
Taking no time to reflect and stop.
As a nation we are murderers,
And the victims are ultimately ourselves.
All the plastic,
The toxic waste from cars,
And planes,
Our environment is imprisoned in chains.
Whatever you believe in,
Science,
Religion,
Conspiracy,
This planet is a gift ultimately,
And our lives are far from what they could be,
As most of us will never complete our destiny,
Because of ego’s,
Lack of gratitude,
Attitude,
Blind eyes to the past and facts,
Greed,
Recklesnes,
Being care free,
Ungrateful,
And blind to what we should see,
And could be,
Catapulting forward into a flame of obliteration,
Rather than taking time to learn and reflect,
Then perhaps healing some wounds,
And changing direction.
It’s just go, go, go,
Until no, no, no,
And so those able and aware of that,
Are living their best life,
With intent of a good life,
Not a long life,
Yet still having children.
If not for ourselves,
Then for them,
We need to stop,
Take a breath,
Recollect,
Reconnect,
Take care of each other,
And our planet.
We must take care of this gift we have been given,
Life,
Knowledge,
An unbelievable,
Inconceivable,
Mystical planet and world we live in.

No One, In a Nutshell…

I was an extremely sensitive child,
I grew up with a single parent,
The other I had probably seen about 10 times in 17 years until he disowned me for good,
I have dermatological issues caused from stress,
First therapy session age 12,
Diagnosed with depression,
Put on Anti-depressants age 16,
Tried some more therapy,
Decided I was well and that I didn’t need medication at around 19,
Put back on medication at 21,
Doses kept increasing,
Bullied in education from 4-21,
Bullied in my professional adult education,
Family troubles,
Sexual assault,
Self harm,
Heartbreak,
Self harm escalation,
Community Psychiatric visits,
Assessments,
Breakdown at 29 after loosing partner, home and job all at once,
Institutionalisation for the 1st time 2013,
Diagnosed with BPD,
Hallucinations,
Psychosis,
Suicidal behaviour,
Unable to function,
Unable to control emotion,
More therapy,
Therapist died,
No therapy,
More therapy,
Kicked out of therapy,
Disscociation,
In and out of hospital and home treatment,
Sectioned 2017….
Thus far on my mental health and life journey.
Now homelessness looms above head, after exceeding my housing association, floating supported, independant, self contained accommodation, I must now leave but the Birmingham City Council have rejected my application, three times over. This situation has had me close to attempting suicide because I cannot help but take the rejection personally. After being hospitalised every year for the past 5, I would really like a break, but the current housing epidemic crisis is breaking me. I have no children, I am not expecting and I am not over 55 years of age, despite my intense, approved and certified medical records, apparently I do not meet the housing criteria. I have been advised to rent private but with a council or housing accommodation budget! I am expected to go around the city, contend with rejection, forms, viewings, all on my own with no aid, guidance or support.I fear this may be the catalyst to the next dip in my mental health journey, but as long as I have breath, I will fight to raise awareness for those that feel they have no voice, for those of the future and anyone with acceptance and empathy, to rectify these mistakes and carve an easier path for my fellow and future sufferers.
Please support all things adiaryfromnoone and help me make positive change. Mental illness bares no immunity, anyone and everyone can be subjected to it and so the sooner we have global acceptance, perhaps global understanding will be less of a dream and more of an active mission. Stand with me. I am No One and I represent anyone and everyone of you! ❤

Without today, there will be no tomorrow! Without tomorrow, there is no today!

Things from the past,
Cannot be left behind,
Because they are also things from the future,
We may think that we have it all figured out,
That we understand,
That we can explain,
Learn from what was,
And as we try to move on,
From what has happened,
We are blind to what will become,
Always coming back around again,
And again,
The circle never ends,
It just keeps on spinning,
Hitting repetition,
Before we even realise,
And activate recognition,
Thinking we are moving forward,
When in fact we are stood still,
In a void that only time never stays put,
Opening doors,
And keeping some shut,
Where we believe that we have the power,
The ability to input,
Output,
When the reality is that we are stuck in a rut,
Where the future becomes the past,
And with the past forgotten,
We once more find ourselves in the future,
Over and over,
I know not yet where this ends.
Only,
Without today there is no tomorrow,
Without tomorrow there is no today!

Always be mine…

It’s the same old shit over and over again,
Like the ice lolly in the fridge,
Every bridge,
I make,
Seems to crumble,
Even the ones made to share,
Laid before me.
Why is it that no one seems to want me,
We cannot fault a dependant baby,
Nor let go of a seemingly dependant child,
Teenager,
Young adult,
I may be extra needy now,
Whether it be that I am done with the subconscious sherades,
Or now unable to keep up with the fascade,
Those developmental needs not met,
I try to forget,
But they are cemented in my memory,
And taint what lies ahead of me.
Being illegitimate,
A bastard,
I have never got over that,
But I was lucky enough to have you.
Sometimes now it doesn’t feel that way,
I don’t feel I should have to say,
You should know anyway!
I am not asking for the world,
Nor all of your heart,
But just a space in it would be a good start,
It was always two,
Society suggests it should be three,
But we were a pair,
Growing up together,
Just you and me.
Then there was three,
But your chosen one never liked me,
Nine years passed,
And still no improvement,
Disappeared over night,
Not even a goodbye,
He left.
Then restored,
It was just you and I once again.
That other figure,
The donor,
He was always looming,
Mostly by fantasy,
He was welcome,
But chose to barely see me.
Time passed,
I left the nest,
You watched me sore,
Independence all around,
Famous firsts,
Like living alone,
We experienced separately,
But in synchronicity.
I was strong back then,
Defiant,
Independent,
But I lost those qualities somewhere along the way.
I am more needy now,
Some might say.
Delighted that you found your love,
Your soul mate descended from above,
And this one even took me under his wing,
Accepted me from the beginning.
Two became three once more,
Three became four,
A little one more,
That we all love,
Cherish,
And adore.
Sprinkled with extended family,
You now have your 2.4,
Being an adult,
I am so happy for you,
But being ill,
I need you still.
I feel cast to the side somewhat,
Sometimes remembered,
Sometimes not,
In fact often forgot.
I know that now you must devide your love and time,
I just don’t want you to forget that I need you,
And I am still here,
Patiently waiting,
Standing in line,
Because I will always be your daughter,
And Mother,
You will always be mine.

Roundabout…

Inspired by the TV show, West World…

See the record spinning?
Neither head nor tail,
Where’s the end or the beginning?
Round and around,
Full circle on demand,
Yet seemingly free,
Deceit!
Tis all engineered,
Placed by God,
Or something supernatural,
A force beyond our understanding,
It’s all engineered,
Designed,
Rigged,
Already chosen,
A hidden force manipulates,
What we perceive to be free Will.
Play,
Stop,
Skip,
Handle with care,
Delicately,
Avoiding wear and tear,
Scratch that,
And the sound will slack,
Skipping,
Trying to take it back.
It loops,
Circling like a hoola hoop,
Rhythm fast,
Rhythm slow,
Rhythm go,
Go,
Go,
Over and Over,
Because the master made it so.
A mirage of freedom,
In reality,
A soul trapped against its Will,
Destined only for fatality,
Things aren’t what they appear to be,
Russian roulette,
A fascade of tranquillity,
When really brutality,
A journey that you will endlessly repeat,
Yet we still forget,
The purpose as to why,
We do not know yet,
Bewitched,
Trickery,
We learn with regret,
And then we try to learn some more,
Starved with zero power,
I am mentally impaired,
But a sensitive suffragette,
Slightly aware that things are not right,
Stuck in an endless maze,
I hope for something more,
That there is some reason behind this treason,
But for now,
We lack control,
Lost in a game that we did not sign up for,
Chained to the tightest strings,
We are but puppets,
Stuck in a wretched game,
That we are forced to Play,
On this tainted roundabout,
In shades of grey.

JUST ONE MORE DAY UNTIL THE 2018 TRAILER OF NO ONE’S LOUNGE…PLEASE SUBSCRIBE AND STAY UP TO DATE VIA MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL, noone adiaryfromnoone

Subscribing, sharing, reposting, posting, tweeting, retweeting all of this and the crowd funding pledge below, will really help me lift this project off the ground. The proof is in the pudding, the more shows I do, the more information and 8nsight will be revealed. I just want to help people by raising mental health awareness. I am forever finding new ways to connect with people and this is my latest way. No One’s Lounge is a show for the people by the people, exploring the depths of mental health whilst appreciating serious creative forms of expression.

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone?utm_source=Facebook

No One’s Lounge

Hello readers 🤗 I am absolutely ecstatic and delighted to report that the pilot for my new chat show has been watched over 170 times since it aired on my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone on Christmas Eve. My YouTube subscribers have also almost doubled but I need more of you to click on that red button.
My plan is to host a 10 episode season of No One’s Lounge throughout this year of 2018. I think it is important to be as creative and intriguing as possible, in order to keep people’s attention and constantly raise mental health awareness. This vibrant new show is all about real life people, with real life experience within the realms of mental health and speaking openly and honestly in order to connect with you, the people.
I will not be having a festival this year and so please support me in this project, as generously as you have over the last two years with, A Festival From No One.
If you didn’t catch the pilot or have not yet seen my fundraising pledge, please check out the details below.

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone?utm_source=Facebook

Much love, kisses, well wishes and appreciation to you all. Don’t forget to subscribe as Season1, Episode 1 is being filmed today and shall be aired in due cause. Come with me on this journey, as I fundraise and produce an insightful season of No One’s Lounge throughout the year. See where your donations go as it manifests and please keep sharing, as to broaden my network!?

Xx No One

The Hungry Caterpillar…

And much like the hungry Caterpillar,
Hunger turns to greed,
As we destroy everything in sight,
Whatever crosses our path,
Until we hit a brick wall,
And can no longer go on,
A break down,
A rest,
A transformation,
Working progress,
As we revert back to our beginning,
Clutching only ourselves,
In a foetal position we lay,
To some,
There lies death,
Eternal rest,
Where others blossom,
Metamorphosis,
Transition,
We start a new,
Glowing,
Radiant to the eye,
Now able to soar,
We fly,
No longer ignorant,
Unafraid of what is nighy,
Ready to live,
Gifted with a second chance,
No longer blinded by greed,
Marching penguins,
Rushing forward,
Into the unknown,
We see,
We hear,
We feel,
All fresh,
And new,
Set free,
Unchained from the rhythm of the marching drum,
Now aware,
Mindful of whom we are,
And where we came from,
Dancing free,
To the melody,
Of freedom.

Mercy

Prepared for battle,
Dressed in the finest armour,
All I want is to surrender,
But when the draw bridge comes down,
I cannot make a sound,
Voice box locked,
Frozen,
I stand,
Forgetting all training,
Deaf to command,
I pray that they will be quick,
To slaughter,
And dream of being let be,
It sounds like thunder,
As the army rushes towards me,
I fear no injury,
And pray for fatality,
As I believe that will finally set me free,
Self defence,
I prepare to attack,
But I do not want that!
Muscle memory protects me,
Yet permits me from freeing this captivity,
Oh how I pray that they will quickly kill me.
No blow or fight could hurt more than I already do,
I am tired,
Mercy let me pass,
I beg you.

Happier without me..

Treading on eggshells most of my youth,
Conscious of others emotions,
I withdrew from sharing my truth.
Walking on a tightrope throughout adolescents,
Withholding from disobedience,
Out of respect.
Missing out on being young and care free,
Experimental,
Testing every boundary,
Unknowing that such characteristics are essential,
For ones development,
In order to become a wholesome being.
I can reflect,
Analyse,
And try to process,
But never go back,
As time for me stands still,
The hands of the clock keep ticking forward,
Everyone seems to be on a different path than I,
And I cannot help but wonder why?
Did I create this distance?
This parting between us?
Is this my punishment for wanting to die?
Suicidal behaviour is not based on a selfish lie,
But a complex compulsion,
Bigger than you or I,
Not to attention seek,
Not to gain pity,
But a desperate attempt to drain all sorrow,
And woes away,
A chance to wake from agony,
To sleep in peace forevermore.
I mean not to cause you pain,
And I wish I could explain,
None of this stops my love for you,
And I must accept that you can react in anyway that you want to,
To freeze me out now,
To make an easier good bye?
Seemingly a popular strategy?
Unfortunately,
The more you exclude me,
The weaker I become,
The gates and walls around me crumble,
Each time you drift away,
As we don’t speak,
All I have to hear is what the voices,
You come and go,
But they never stray,
And I alone must endure the horrible things that they do and say!
Watching you walk away,
Detach yourselves,
With no place for me,
Makes leaving this life more appealing,
But most of the time,
That is just a pain wrenching feeling,
Only when very unwell,
When this earth turns to hell,
And I see nothing,
Hear nothing,
Feel nothing,
But,
Pain,
Pain,
Pain,
Do I attempt to leave this mortal plane.
I am tiered of fighting,
And fighting alone,
You seem stronger and happier,
Without the weight of me in your zone,
The pictures,
The trips,
The days out,
Those happy moments,
You are happier without me,
And so I know if I leave,
You will continue to be!

Destined Fatality…

I do not desire immortality,
Yet there is brutality,
In the unknown of our destined fatality!
Some have claimed to pull back during transition,
Yet unclear into what,
Spoken of a bright light,
Is this the route to beginning again?
Or perhaps a show stopping finale?
Is it the path to reincarnation,
Or just the end of our life destination?
What lies yonder?
We have ideals and notions,
But we shall never know for certain,
Until it is our time to go,
And by that time will we care,
I don’t think so!