A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #lies

Nanny’s Nursey Rhyme

My Nanny Sarah is a character and a half. Perhaps one day I shall write her story and share her range of tales from bitter to sweet and all that is in between, as my Grandmother has had a very eventful life. Now eighty-eight years of age, with the beginnings of dementia, often happily she repeats the following Nursery Rhyme. A rhyme that represents promise, hope and excitement. Now a days with global warming and the threat of Brexit, the wrongful shenanigans re. The Windrush era and threat of British entitlement being removed from those that gave up everything, their homes, loved ones, history, brainwashed and promised that England and their Queen across the sea’s would welcome my ancestors with open and welcoming arms, permitting them to walk the streets pathed with gold, bathed in equality, flourishing with employment, good wages, better opportunity, happiness and freedom. Groomed from a young age, with nursery rhymes such as these, how shocked they must have been at the cruel, ignorant, brutality that they were showered with once stepping off the great ships on voyage to glory, but strength and perseverance, resistance and determination carried them through the horrors first endured, “No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish”! Now myself being 2nd generation British, be it swept under the carpet, I must not forget, we must not forget, the fight that was had and sadly in many ways still is, for the entitlement in which I am in receipt of today, I am a Black British Woman with Caribbean heritage, we have come a long way, but we still have a long way to go.

“When I leave school,
I means to go away,
To see how other people work and play,
I need to take a trip across the sea,
Of cause I mean the ship must take me,
And then I’ll go to England,
France,
Germany,
And Spain,
And even then,
I won’t come home again!”

Was that rhyme so embed into my Nanny’s head, that some years later she indeed took a ship to England? She did go home again, but only to holiday. I am one of the fortunate grandchildren that got to go back to Montserrat with my Nan, but England for better or worse became her home and Birmingham City, the place of birth to my Mother, her siblings, many of my cousins and I. I wonder what my life would have been like if she stayed overseas!? Now in reverse, the Caribbean is the destination across the sea and has a place in Nan’s heart, full of memory and she most likely will never go home again. Although she has actually spent the majority of her life in England and so Great Britain is her home, now the only one dreaming about across the sea, is me, I don’t know to much about the living lifestyle in the Caribbean today, but I do know that Great Britain disappointingly isn’t so Great!

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes…

Why do we still set ourselves up?
To fail,
To fall,
To disappoint?
It’s no wonder that there has been an increase in stress and depression,
Whilst we contend with this obsession,
Of wrapping up the future in cotton wool.
Why have we not yet learnt,
That no lasting good reigns from being corrupt!?
Sugar is the Devil,
And only morons dare wear its coat!
It’s inevitable that we shall fall,
Fail,
And disappoint,
When we are inundated by lies and deceit,
From the very moment we take our first breath.
When eventually in receipt of the truth,
It is no wonder our worlds cave in,
Leaving us unfulfilled.
Micro managed via politics and money,
Man made ideals,
Man made rules,
That manipulate,
Build and dictate society,
We simply must conform,
Follow suit,
Abide,
And engage in reproduction.
Yet there is no Prince Charming or Fairy Godmother,
The human fuel to children’s dreams,
Tarnish those distributed by the sandman,
As adults,
We know this,
So why do we bother!?
Despite the catchy tune,
Even lullaby’s,
And Fairy Tale’s,
Are all rubbish and lies,
Heads,
Shoulders,
Knees,
And toes,
Is not actually about where your hand goes,
But preparation for all of the woes,
That we will surely face past puberty,
When the make believe stories loose their security,
We shall have overwhelmed heads,
Weight on our shoulders,
Fall to our knees,
From our down trodden toes,
Because life is not what we once thought it to be,
The way it was portrayed and told to be,
It will most likely end up nothing like your fantasy,
No rainbows and magic,
What an anti climax,
How tragic!
Real life is rarely like what dreams are made of,
But more of a living nightmare,
Full of pain,
Disappointment,
And despair,
The boogie man is not under your bed,
His everywhere.

Alone

Is it possible to feel whole without another?
As we grow older,
More and more people seem to find each other,
Couple up,
Merge together,
One becomes two,
It’s very common,
What people seem to do.
Then comes three,
Four,
And maybe more,
Strength in numbers,
Wedding rings,
Erase casual and saucy flings,
Commitment and a future,
Trumps single hood and uncertainty,
And those left behind may as well drift out to sea.
They have forgotten the people whom are left alone,
People like me,
Without a thought,
Or any sympathy,
Because the couples now have a different reality,
They have completely forgotten what it is like to be lonely.
Excluded,
Now separated by category,
Roaming in the wilderness,
Alone,
Unhappy,
Despite trying really hard not to be,
I wonder if this is how it shall always be for me!?
Probably,
Life is not a fairytale,
We can’t all get what we want,
And we can’t all be happy,
Such a notion does not reflect reality.
Yet with so many negatives already stacked against me,
It would have been nice to not also have cupids arrow shoot right past me!
Tears fall heavy,
My heart beats fast,
If I must endure this pain forever more,
I do not know how long I can last.
I am starting to dream less about the future,
Longing for this pain and isolation to cease,
Weak from getting up from continuous rejection,
Longing for those who long for me not,
Being toyed with like trash,
Dropped,
Ghosted,
Forgot,
Swiped left and left to rot,
Showered with deceit,
Lead on,
Played,
I know longer have the energy to get back on my feet,
My heart saddened,
Bruised,
And black,
Once radiant,
Beaming,
Give,
Give,
Giving love,
Now barely beats,
Damaged goods!
Sad and defeated,
I am stuck,
Alone.

My Iron Mask

Like the man in the Iron Mask,
I have on similar attire,
Worry not about the bolts and staples attaching the painted and heavy mask to my face,
It is what lye’s underneath that hurts.
Not the painted smile.
My hands shake,
But you do not see.
My heart aches,
But you do not see.
My body trembles,
But you do not see.
Tears fall,
But you do not see.
You don’t really see me at all.
All you see is the fake smile on my cast iron mask,
Yet truthfully,
I cannot remember when I smiled last!

Like a fool….

I never went fishing you know,
I dipped my toes into the murky and ferocious sea,
But I wasn’t looking for you,
Not really.

You doused yourself in beauty and charm,
And quite the lothario you drew me in close to you,
Scooped me up and so that we could be together.

Like a fool,
I gave you my heart,
In fact I gave you everything,
All of me.

But once you had lured me in and seduced me,
Kept me captive as you’re prisoner,
Your desire changed.

Tantalised with the thrill of capture,
You withdrew,
Left me to wilt like a malnourished flower,
Weak, destitute and fading away.

Although the pangs of heartache protruded throughout all of me,
Hypnotised and mesmerised by your snake like charms,
Broken beyond repair,
I wished that you would stay,
But never have come.

Just a corpse now….

And so you pushed and twisted and turned,
Turned and twisted and pushed,
The silver blade within her,
You plunged it into her heart.
Disguised under your invisible cloak,
You had full control of her.
You manipulated each move that she made,
Each thought that she had.
Under your restraint,
Fueled with your toxic venom.
Running like an engine,
No longer herself.
Just a corpse now,
The battered down woman which you vowed to love.

You don’t know!

You don’t know,
They do not see,
They cannot hear,
They believe all is well with me,
They fear me not.
I paint my face,
Put on a good show.

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