Shells Of Egg…

In a tangled web,
With shells of egg,
I fear where exactly I should tread,
Unbalanced from clouded dread,
Struggling to interpret the silence of forbidden hushed words unsaid.

Please check out No One’s Lounge, a sparkling and brand new mental health chat show, via my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone created by yours truly. In order to embrace and fully understand mental illness, we must open up, talk and learn from one another, knowledge is power!!! Let’s disregard the stigma attached to the taboo subject of mental health…

noone adiaryfromnoone

My birth name is Jade Phipps, but as a self appointed mental health awareness advocate I go by the name, “No One”. No One stands for no one in particular, there for anyone and everyone. I represent and reach out to the people.
I personally suffer from, “Borderline Personality Disorder, type Impulsive” which for me includes, depression, anxiety, mania, dissociation and psychosis. I am managed by my community mental health team, I see my Community Psychiatric Nurse fortnightly and my Support Worker once a week. I was diagnosed after having a breakdown. I have always suffered from depression and was diagnosed with it at the age of sixteen but since my latest diagnosis, I subsequently found out that it was expected that I had BPD back then in 2000, but this information was not shared with me until being institutionalised in 2013.
I have been in and out of hospital at least once a year since then, always voluntary, but my last admittance in 2017 was initially under a section 2 for 28 days, which was completed, I then voluntarily stayed a further 2 months.
I am a very creative person by nature and discovered writing poetry whilst being considerably unwell and in and out of hospital. My website, “www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk” is a result of this. It basically includes my whole life story thus far and is added to whilst I remain on this journey. I have great support and followers that enjoy my writing, I always alert and shoutout when I put new stuff up, via my Facebook page or Twitter (noone adiaryfromnoone). Intrigue has allowed the curious and those of which identify to accompany me on this current path. It has bought great attention to my door, I have featured on BBC national news, BBC WM radio and a London based radio show called, “The Real Deal”. All outlets sourced me from discovering my website!
Reading is not for everybody and I want to reach as many people as possible and so I decided that I needed and wanted a different outlet, this gave birth to, “No One’s Lounge”! A new chat show with the focal point of mental health. Each episode consists of a panel and creative guest. Think “Loose Women”/”BBC Live Lounge”. I did a Christmas Pilot trailer… https://youtu.be/SOYO6Q8pg3Q and full length… https://youtu.be/4mC_l48Ixkc and then a trailer for what will hopefully be a ten episode season this 2018…https://youtu.be/CP7sBZpf7mU and season 1, episode 1 in full… https://youtu.be/5f3DEY1GXUg
My work and this new project have already sparked interest off BBC Radio 4.
Society needs to be made more aware of what mental health really is. We need a decrease in stigma and increase in knowledge. I do not fault the people who have tainted views of what ill mental health is, because unless you go looking for it, or personally experience it, the main sources of information out there are overwhelming, misrepresented, creating stigma and encouraging ignorance. I want to filter and leak information and experiences from real people, to and for real peoole, made obtainable to everyone. Knowledge is power. Communication and honesty equals power. This chat show features real people, who have had real life mental health experiences, it is the pinicle of reality. A touch of music or poetry is just a nice touch of alternative communication.
In my opinion, the majority of people don’t really know about mental health until they personally or their loved ones/colleagues/associates get unwell. Everyone is susceptible to ill mental health, there for everyone should have some sort of realistic understanding of what it is and/or can be, just as a safe guard. The topic should be accurate common Knowledge, and who better to learn from then the people who have experienced it themselves!?
My dream is big, I cannot reach the entire nation alone but with the help of others, by coming on my show, scattering it across social media, watching, sharing, talking about and subscribing, my message of hope, shameless communication, empowerment and understanding may reach further a shore.
In the meantime I am personally fighting to stay afloat every single day. Exhausted by accelerated mood swings, causing chronic lethargy, it is hard to fight and keep motivated but the bigger picture goes way beyond I, my fight is for the people because I am No One and noone represents everyone.
Check out anything noone adiaryfromnoone and please join me on this crusade of mental health awareness.

The Hungry Caterpillar…

And much like the hungry Caterpillar,
Hunger turns to greed,
As we destroy everything in sight,
Whatever crosses our path,
Until we hit a brick wall,
And can no longer go on,
A break down,
A rest,
A transformation,
Working progress,
As we revert back to our beginning,
Clutching only ourselves,
In a foetal position we lay,
To some,
There lies death,
Eternal rest,
Where others blossom,
Metamorphosis,
Transition,
We start a new,
Glowing,
Radiant to the eye,
Now able to soar,
We fly,
No longer ignorant,
Unafraid of what is nighy,
Ready to live,
Gifted with a second chance,
No longer blinded by greed,
Marching penguins,
Rushing forward,
Into the unknown,
We see,
We hear,
We feel,
All fresh,
And new,
Set free,
Unchained from the rhythm of the marching drum,
Now aware,
Mindful of whom we are,
And where we came from,
Dancing free,
To the melody,
Of freedom.

No One needs Your help!?…

I want to reach more people. I want to help more people. I want to make the topic of mental health more socially acceptable. I want to reach those in need. I want people to feel less alone and alien. I want people to accept their ailments. I will share my story and experiences of ill mental health time and time again, because I believe doing so sets an inclusive atmosphere for us all to share. I am no one, no one special, no one in particular, just a being like you, that is happy to share, providing my truth helps others contend with their own woes.
I will always write, but I am trying a new avenue of exposure. Visable documentary! Yet I need your help to do it properly. Please check out my Christmas 2017 pilot, both in trailer and/or full, via noone adiaryfromnoone on my YouTube Channel and please subscribe as well as share.

#shoutouts for those with #insomnia #Depression #anxietyproblems #worries #troubles #bpd #personalitydisorders #schizophrenia #ptsd #pnd any and every ill mental health #MentalHealthMatters & knowledge should be shared not silenced, please help me reach out to make more https://youtu.be/4mC_l48Ixkc via https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/noone/dashboard asap

Stamp

I do not claim to be worse off than you,
Neither do I claim to be better,
I am who I am,
I plead for clarity to translate,
That all I can do,
Is be myself.
I may preach somewhat,
Use language to inform and inspire,
Turning pain to power,
Yet I am no veteran,
I did not formally study psychology,
But what I have seen,
And where I have been,
No text book could teach you,
I have a fountain of knowledge,
It runs through my veins,
I let my tap flow,
With pure intent,
To nurture all,
As at some point,
We all may fall,
My resources are both learnt and earnt from experience,
The pain that I endure,
You may think my weakness,
But I have always cared for others more than myself,
And so my misfortune is another man’s wealth,
I am no saint,
Nor do I vow to be,
Yet I am more humble than a sinner,
I genuinely want you to overcome and be a winner,
But I must also admit that,
Sharing with you,
Allows me to process too.
I hope to encourage progress if nothing more,
A familiar stranger from whom to draw,
When all seems lost and said and done,
Perhaps my insight will help you over come,
The boogie man that holds you down,
Whilst stealing the best parts of you,
Erasing your smile,
Stamping you with a frown,
Whilst your whole world turns upside down,
Your spirit and soul taken,
Whilst your cocoon is left to drown.

justgiving/jadelaurie-hart

Hit The Target with two days to spare!

A FESTIVAL FROM NO ONE RETURNS! May it be just as successful if not more so then last years…

I would like to publically thank all that have supported me so far this year, those of you that visited me in hospital, those that have stayed in contact with me throughout my mental health struggles, in person, via social media, phone calls, emails and texts, those of you that celebrated my birthday with me whilst I was released from hospital for a few hours and those of you who have shared, posted and donated towards my crowdfunding. I am now out of hospital. I am continuing my journey of recovery and my main priority right now is organising my festival, “A FESTIVAL FROM NO ONE RETURNS”! I am very proud to announce that I have hit my target of £1100!!! This would not have been possible without your help. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you and promise to organise the most inspiring, motivational, informative, creative and insightful day on July 22nd that I can and that the contributions donated to charity will be put to good use within the mental health system. This is a joint venture and I thank all that have helped once more. You are all saints! As always, this year has had so much sadness and disaster but so much so on our doorsteps of late. I am so sorry for the people that have lost loved ones in Manchester and London this year. I admire the vast amount of good people in my social media network who have come together and helped those in need. It proves that there is still goodness and that there are still kind hearted people in this world, and we must hold onto that in solidarity.
I focus on mental health because it is close to my heart and such a big part of my own life, my empathy for others whom struggle gives me strength to fight for the cause of mental health awareness. I have always cared about others more then myself. It is hard work but a great pleasure to try and create something positive for the greater good of others! This world without selfless acts and genuine good will is one that I do not want to be a part of, one person can idealise, a unity of people can actually make things happen. Together we are! Join me, and we shall! xxx

But What is BPD?

Are you better now? You look well? Are you doing well?

Unfortunately I am not better now! I spent twenty-two day’s in hospital, and yes I got discharged, but please do not be under any illusion that I am now well. I was ill before I went to hospital and still ill when I came out, I just got through a crisis under supervision and twenty-four hour care, without it, I would not still be here but don’t be fooled, it has happened before and it will most likely happen again. My struggles are not over. Good make-up and hair only disguise what is really going on inside, of cause I look well if I have spent two hours grooming and getting ready before venturing outdoors, most days I am at home, make-up free, messy hair and stuck in my pyjama’s.
BPD is not the common flu or a cold; it is a deep rooted mental health illness and something that (although for a long time, unbeknown to me) I have had for most of my life, if not its entirety.
These are the worries, feelings and emotions that I personally go through every single day but try to suffer in silence;
• Can’t see forward
• Irrational
• Distrust of anyone who says that they like or love me
• Self-Conscious
• Intense empathy for others but not myself
• Day to Day/Hour/Hour highs and lows
• Low self-worth
• Helpless
• Unable to connect with or accept any of my, “Positive Traits”
• Impulsive
• Self-Destructive
• Suicidal
• Fear of abandonment
• A bad judge of character
• Numbness
• Misunderstood
• Unloved
• Unwanted
• Beyond help
• Isolated
• Alone
• Unable to sustain positive relationships
• Unable to recognise the difference between good and bad relationships
• Unworthy and distrusting of love from friends and family
• Self-Loathing
• Feeling left behind
• Feeling stuck
• Feeling betrayed
• Feeling all good odd’s are stacked against me
• Undesirable
• Scared
• Hopeless
• Helpless

Where does all of this come from and why does it happen? In order to get diagnosed with BPD, you need to suffer from at least five out of the following nine symptoms. I unfortunately tick all of the boxes. The symptoms are as follows;

• Abandonment issues- False promises, if people go AWOL, getting cancelled on by people or if an event that I have planned to go to doesn’t happen, it is the end of my world.
• Unstable and intense relationships- Fall in love extremely quick, fall out of love but feel better as part of a two instead of being alone, worry about love being unreciprocated, tolerate cruel behaviour.
• Identity disturbance- Shift of idea’s thoughts and personality. Big thoughts, dreams and ideas, followed by fear of failure, low self-esteem, low self-worth, no confidence.
• Impulsivity and self-damaging- Over spending, substance abuse, promiscuity, reckless behaviour, self-harm/mutilation.
• Recurrent Suicidal Behaviour- No regards to others or rational thinking, all is black and everything hurts so much, you lose all regards to life.
• Mood swings- constant up’s and down’s.
• Feeling Empty and Lonely- Disconnected to the world, all living things and myself.
• Anger and aggression towards others or one self- A loss of control, all morals and principles dissolve and in the moment a lot of damage may occur.
• Stress Related Paranoia- Psychosis or impulsiveness leads to uncontrolled dissociative behaviour.
Everyone has mental health, just like everyone has a heart; they are both as crucial and integral as each other when it comes to life and living. Some people’s hearts and mental health may not function as well as others!
BPD is actually a very common illness, even celebrities both past and present have apparently suffered from it, research suggested Tennessee Williams, Marilyn Monroe, Lady Gaga (don’t quote me) but it is not as well-known as other mental health illnesses like Bi-Polar or Schizophrenia for example. If people do get into contact with it, it is very misunderstood because of the varying emotions, the symptoms are fast and rapid and so therefor without a complete understanding of the illness it can come across as intense and most probably frustrating. I know that mental health professionals find it so but that is because they are just as clueless as Joe Public. I have said it before and will say it again, people that work in mental health need to understand the patience and sensitivity required when dealing with someone with BPD., they have no excuse, but I can understand when regular people outside of the profession find the illness extremely overwhelming, but all I can say to that is, try walking in my shoes!
From a demographical point of view, if we label the number one as extreme depression and number ten as complete euphoric mania. The average person fluctuates between four and six. Someone with Bi-Polar may have long periods of nine and then long periods of two and not much in between. Someone with BPD may go up and down the entire scale, rapidly in short amounts of time and may feel only numbness in between.
The truth is I am fighting every day. I fight the urges of self-destruction, if not for myself then for my loved ones. The same loved ones that have absolutely no idea how hard it is for me to get through every single day, I don’t blame them, it is not their fault, if I don’t communicate, how can I expect them to know and understand. There are preconceptions, age, heritage and logistics to contend with and I don’t have the strength, I don’t have all the answers to help them help me. When I am irrational, I get so angry with people but I take it out on myself. I get convinced that no one cares, that I am unworthy of affection, love and care off others. I feel completely left behind, others flourish whilst I diminish and that seems to just be the way life goes at the moment. I can’t see things getting much brighter for me but I write to make others happy, to educate, to allow people to identify and not feel alone, to give others hope. I am so pleased to have developed this skill of writing therapeutically, writing the truth and helping others.
If any readers know me personally, please just say hi to me now and again as it means so much. You don’t need to ask how I am, you are not a therapist and I am not your client, we don’t need to be so heavy, just saying, “Hi” lets me know that you appreciate my existence. If you share the details of my blog, www.adiaryfromnoone.couk or follow me on twitter, @adiaryfromnoone follow my facebook page, adiaryfromnoone and actually click the links, read what I have to say, I do keep note and knowing that I have accomplished views is about the only thing that makes me acknowledge the possibility that I may indeed actually have some worth. If sharing my pain and suffering helps others out there with an even smaller voice contend with their issues, it is worth it. So please keep reading and sharing, accompanying me on this roller-coaster-ride of BPD express.