Why not?

After a mismatched relationship with someone far to young, immature and from a family which nightmares are made of, the idea of starting again with someone new seemed an exhausting prospect. Being ill and in and out of mental health hospitals over the last three years, living in the unfamiliar city of where I grew up, but had never been my home as an adult. I was living a lonely, isolated and somewhat reclusive lifestyle. I never thought that I would meet someone that could potentially be a romantic flame! With it being winter and Christmas around the corner, an empty social calendar and nothing but wind and rain outside, like anyone would… I felt lonely and felt a raging envy towards anyone who was fortunate enough to have a spooning partner! Lol!
I recently met someone online, it didn’t take long to sift threw the odd bods and find my new Prince. I had corresponded with a few guys, filtering the few good from the many bad. After experiencing way to many, “Dick Pics” then I cared for, guys asking me out on a date and then deleting my profile, chatting to men with babies, drug problems, anger management problems, foot fetishes, sex addictions, online dating seemed so far removed from the realms of reality.
The men were more entertaining then anything else. It was like the cyber version of EastEnders and I had the lead female role. (Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love EastEnders!) Somehow, whilst trawling through the non compatibles, I found the guy that I now call my boyfriend (it seems so strange to say it, sometimes surreal, I have to pinch myself on a daily basis as my low self esteem makes the reality of exclusively dating a man, a real human being, an actual gentleman has only been a fantasy for quite sometime.) The idea of someone liking me, accepting me, finding me physically attractive, wanting to get to know me, spend time with me seems so surreal as I have become accustom to being used, mistreated, disrespected, rejected and abandoned by men. Yet somehow the genre of the orientation of my online dating experience changed from. “Soap” to “Fairy-tale”. It’s early days but I really have made a connection with someone, a really lovely someone. As undeserved of this as my demons, paranoia and insecurities may make me feel, I will not let this one go without trying.
It’s no secret that I am unwell, that I have both manic and depressive episodes, that I am susceptible to psychosis and hallucinations, that I have attempted suicide more times then I can count on my one hand over the last three years, that I have self harming and self destructive tendencies and a rather vicious dermatological illness but none of these things seems to phase him. (He sounds a little to good to be true right? I promise that he is real not just someone that I have conjured up from my head, as other people have seen him, yes, sane people!)He has taken me from face value and seems to accept all of me, every last bit, from good to bad. This has already helped me start to look at myself in a new light, a more positive light.
I am a romantic idealist but I am no fool. Relationships have come and gone in my past and they will most likely do in my future but I don’t want to fixate on that. I am trying out just living in the moment, the present. Whatever illness I may or you may not have, it does not have to exclude us from happiness and companionship. After all, love is the best drug known to man. It’s not the right way round but I have always been a bit upside down. If someone else can like you, maybe you should/could like yourself. If someone else can love you, maybe you should/could love yourself. If others don’t segregate you from such possibilities, don’t segregate yourself. An illness does not a whole person make. Don’t let it restrict you from such possibilities. Maybe, just maybe there is enough out there for all of us. Whether it be romantic, platonic, from family or other, if you open yourself up to it, you might just receive it.
Mental health problems can be soul destroying, have us riddled in pain and surrounded by sadness, forming positive relationships just might give us the incentive that we need to wake up another day.
So reader, please open yourself up to new things this new year, join me and you may also find some happiness. Depression cuts us off, we fear that all doors are shut and locked and we feel stuck but what if one opens? You don’t know until you try. Worst case scenario, your fears were true, which wont come as a surprise to you. Should it open though… who knows what is in store for you?
Keep sane, be true to yourself, be strong,

Love from Noone. xx

Ain’t Ever Coming Back

Upsy Daisy,
Upside Down,
Whilst Life Is Spinning Round And Round,
Once Head Strong,
Old Head On Young Shoulders,
Instead Of Progression,
Dropped Down To Regression,
A Child Again.
Old Head,
Young Mind,
How It Happened I Cannot Describe,
But I Hope To Figure It All Out With You By My Side.
I Can’t Afford Nor Manage A Compromise.
Off Track.
Ran Off The Road.
Not Like You.
I Will Strive To Get On The Right Side.
Stop Standing Still,
Or Going Backwards,
And Find The Yellow Brick Road,
That Leads To The Gold And All Things Shiny And Nice.
God Forbid I Loose My Way Again.
Go Down The Wrong Path.
This Route Twice Over,
I Could Not Hack.
If I Find The Strength,
I Ain’t Ever Coming Back.

Together Somehow

I am aware that I can get carried away,
I see the light in you.
Our individual circumstances are far from perfect,
But I see your imperfections in a positive light,
You could still be perfect for me.
Helping each other would therefore help ourselves.
Being together without any substance but water,
Could have been catastrophic.
Together somehow,
We came together.
I don’t know whether we want, need or have the strength to commit.
But I know that something is there and we got to ride it.
Together in a bubble of music,
A bubble of conversation,
And restrained penetration,
We fit.
And so lets hold on,
Enjoy the rush of the fast train,
And see where we end up.
No lies,
No fabrication,
Just truth and honesty,
Will lead us to our destiny.
Whether we still fit or go out separate ways,
Life with you now,
In the midst of ill health,
With you around,
I see better days to come.

“It’s Such A Beautiful Life”, fabulous concepts! Don’t you think?

The guy in the next cubicle over, told Bill about a thing that he saw on tv, about identicle twins that were seperated at burth but had individually grown up to be serial killers! It was as though they didn’t have any choice of what they turned into!
Genetics is pretty messed up, he said as his chewing gum flung itself from his mouth.

At lunch he told Bill about a physics book that he was reading about time, how the passing of time is just an illusion, because all of eternity is actually taking place at once.The past never vanishes away and the future has already happened. All of history is fixed and laid out, like an infinite landscape of simultanious events that we simply have to traveĺ through in one direction.