Whilst Life Is Spinning Round And Round,
Once Head Strong,
Old Head On Young Shoulders,
Instead Of Progression,
Dropped Down To Regression,
A Child Again.
How It Happened I Cannot Describe,
But I Hope To Figure It All Out With You By My Side.
I Can’t Afford Nor Manage A Compromise.
Ran Off The Road.
Not Like You.
I Will Strive To Get On The Right Side.
Stop Standing Still,
Or Going Backwards,
And Find The Yellow Brick Road,
That Leads To The Gold And All Things Shiny And Nice.
God Forbid I Loose My Way Again.
Go Down The Wrong Path.
This Route Twice Over,
I Could Not Hack.
If I Find The Strength,
I Ain’t Ever Coming Back.
So very clearly disconnected,
I have forgotten the feeling of being whole,
Eye’s wide open,
And a restless mind,
Yet motionless and still,
Paralysis has set.
I cannot move,
Yet I desire comfort,
To feel rested and self assured.
Against one another,
Sending mixed signals.
Yet running on empty.
Unsure of both,
Unable to do one.
My body remains static,
As my head jumps and skips from thought to thought.
And so this turmoil,
As it seems,
Is now my life.
My eyes wonder up to the sky,
Where Angle’s and spirits lie.
I know that you travel across land and sea,
But sparkle in the sky and so I can see,
I feel you in my heart and all around,
Even though you don’t make a sound,
I know that you are protecting me,
And together we shall always be.
My support worker took me to buy an outfit for my Grandad and Cousins funeral today. Low self esteem and high anxiety accompanied me today like any other, but trying to be brave, I subconsciously suppressed it, until now. It’s 3.30 in the morning and although trying to distract myself with netflix’s finest, my heart is beating overtime and the practicalities of today are sinking in. The funeral is nigh and I am not prepared to say goodbye. I don’t want to say goodbye at all. I don’t understand half of the feelings that I am feeling. I am trying my best to hold it together for my loved ones and aware that I appear to be coping and taking it all in my stride but appearances can be extremely deceiving.
Are you me?
Or are you a stranger simply impersonating me?
Are you real?
Surely I couldn’t conjure up something/someone so evil?
So bad for me?
Why can’t I permenantly shut you down?
At least lessen the noise?
I glimpse and grab hold of seconds of silence and almost remember feeling peace.
I obey your orders,
Craving some release.
I can barely remember life without you.
Life without this pain and misery.
The sadder that I am,
The stronger you seem to become.
There are theories about where this self hate springs from,
But we cannot confirm where you,
Overwhelmed and overcome,
The weaker that I become,
Fuels your power to possess me.
In constant persuit of empowerment,
Dazzled in subconscious misery,
I let my guard down,
Nieve with a cae of stupidity,
I thought I saw a glimpse of sunshine,
When really it showered acid rain.
And running the wrong way,
Most definitely results in getting burnt.