A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #inclusion

Broken Heart

I think the reason why I blog, write poetry, spoken word, music and reach out to people on social media is because I genuinely don’t want people to feel the pain that I do. I reach out to anyone and everyone because I feel like I have lost the contact and love from important people in my life and I try to fill that void by helping others. A heavy heart and tangled brain is a burden that often leads to isolation and fatality. A problem halved is a problem shared, because you need more than one hose to put out a fire.
I have lost friends, partners and family because I suffer from mental illness, BPD and all that sails in her. I have lost a huge part of myself, my dreams, my confidence, reputation because after being constantly bullied, denied/abandoned/banished by my biological father, excluded from family holidays and reunions and you can only pick yourself up and dust yourself off so many times. I can see a world without me in it, way more clearly than I can see a future for myself. I want my own family and their only burden would be to be smothered by my love and baffled by my pride, my husband and children would never doubt my love for them for as long as I live.
When you stop going out and attending social events/family occasions, inevitably the invites stop coming in, so do the phonecalls texts and all communication.
The only comments I receive are about my weight gain, belittling or denying my illness, I receive no love off the people that once gave me so much. Do I embarrass them? Offend them? Do they honestly think self harm and suicidal behaviour is something that I am proud of, that I take pleasure in?
When you come from a working class background and you don’t get private health care, even the professionals abandon you and let you down. I had a mini breakdown last year, because of the disgraceful way that I was treated in hospital.
A family member has said to me, “If you are going to kill yourself, just get on with it and do it!” I tried by the way. At least I know where I stand with that individual.
Life carries on. I think people loose patience with people like myself. The survivors have a strong network of support. So many others leave this world because fighting depression/anxiety/psychosis is like fighting an army and no human is strong enough to combat an entire battle alone. Not even fictional characters like Arya Stark from Game of Thrones! Even her badass needed much help.
I apologise to all whom I have hurt/disappointed/upset since my breakdown 2013. I need you to know (even if you do not understand) I am ill. Would you be able to resent someone with epilepsy? Sounds a bit silly and I am not literally comparing, but sickness is sickness.
I used to reach out alot more before than I do now, because I know that there isn’t really enough help, love and support out there for me from the people that I want and need. I got so confused, at one point I was even reaching out to people from my past, whom were left in my past for a reason, sorry! Desperation is a poorly lit torch. I now understand your side steps.
I don’t need to be ignored, excluded resented by my closest/oldest (long standing) /bestest and feel that I both have been and am being.
I feel like a spare part.
I feel so tired of fighting alone.
I feel like trouble and woes just keep falling upon my shoulders.
I cannot really help myself anymore, I try my hardest to be independent and self sufficient but my demons are often all consuming. I take my medication, accept professional help but it feels like prolonging the inevitable.
Friends come and go in life but best friends should stick around through ups and downs forever.
Partners come and go in life but should I loose my current one I really will explode.
Love is so important and we understand that it should be unconditional, but more often than not, it proves not to be.
Family are your family, blood is an undeniable bond but I don’t expect my third cousin in timbuktu to be there for me, yet I do get disappointed by my immediate family not.
Age is just a number when it comes to dealing with the emotional turmoil that I do, I still need a phone call, an I LOVE YOU, a cuddle, to be held and included. I hate confrontation and so I don’t scream & shout about all this but we all know.
I think people get tired of people like me, I just want those people to know that I do not choose to be this way. I don’t want you to have to tolerate me, feel obliged to be there for me, so I silently let you ditch me but it does upset me and doesn’t help me stay on top of recovery. I have tried to communicate and hint but you are all putting a wedge between us, just please hold on until I am secure with my special someone, I won’t survive on my one.
To my blog readers I am No One, a someone representing everyone and no one in particular, but to a few I should be a special someone, and all this someone wants is to feel loved and secure to fuel the fight and sun away those dark clouds.
So never feel a burden by messaging me guys, together we can silence those terror crys.

Take A Look At Your Own Mentality!?

Yo!
They heckle.
Freak,
Nuts,
Insane,
Not all there,
Half brain.
Shout your insults,
I don’t care,
You can pick those words up from anywhere!
Not only do you need to expand your vocabulary,
But instead of dissing me,
Take a look at your own mentality.
So you pick on people,
Make them feel small,
Try and hover above us,
Get to us,
And so you feel tall.
How about just minding your own business!?
I have no time for those that are unwilling to learn,
You annoy me,
But I cannot give you the satisfaction,
Of being my main concern,
Nor will I throw shade back at you,
Spreading the blazing fire,
From whence the trigger you did ignite,
Jumping on the band wagon,
Entering a fight with forgotten purpose or insight.
From such scenarios,
The drama shadows the roots,
Heads turn for the wrong reason,
And instead of resolvement,
Acknowledgement,
Resolution,
Prompting inclusion,
Understanding,
And a solution,
The focus gets distorted by your animosity,
Inviting more vultures,
To pollute the minds of the the impartial,
Media gets it twisted,
More haters are enlisted,
The idea of global,
Social,
Empathy,
And Understanding,
Is lost in ignorance pollution.
To the haters,
The trolls,
The small minded,
Blind,
Ignorant,
Judgemental,
I am drowning you out,
Because the venom from your mouth,
Is not worth a whisper,
Definitely nothing to shout about,
And unworthy of me to talk about.
I put my hands up,
With absolutely no shame,
I suffer from mental illness,
Which is a cognitive impediment in the brain.
I still have a heart to Love,
A soul to anchor feeling,
Being a mental health advocate is my choice,
And as I raise awareness,
I do it all for us,
Anyone,
And everyone,
Representing all of us,
With for now,
Just one voice,
But you are welcome to join me,
It is your choice!?

www.adiaryfromnoone.co.uk
“No One’s Lounge” via my YouTube channel noone adiaryfromnoone
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