Bubbling Sorrow…

Showered in distress,
I cannot process,
How you cannot see,
The pain latched on and suffocating me.
My words vanish as they form and leave my mouth,
My eye sockets are inexplicably dry,
The intensity of my ill mental health,
Is hidden and sly.
My attempt to explain falls on death ears,
You’re eye on the clock,
Because time is money and you really don’t give a…
Shock,
You’ve twisted my large distorted accounts,
Into positive and small amounts.
Why do you challenge my truth?
Do you intentially mean to hurt me,
With every trigger you throw at me?
Why do you excuse the behaviour of others that have done me wrong,
Try and make a song and dance out of everything,
Probing me to sing along.
I will not waltz with you,
Duet with you,
Your steps are out of sync,
And your notes out of tune.
It converts to twenty minutes a week,
Don’t think me ungrateful,
Some people get no time at all to liase with professionals and speak,
But this is my story,
My journey,
And with all the third parties involved in my case,
It feels like only I will fall.
It takes a while for the penny to drop,
I struggle with process,
I cannot disclose,
What I don’t yet realise, Despite it being under my nose,
But with all your experience,
You should know where the story goes!?
Instead you lead me off subject,
Then hit me with triggers,
Lazy and evil,
You want me to figure,
But what do I do when it falls into place,
And no one is around,
To disclose face to face?
I turn to you.
My reflectionless friend,
The machine without the face,
But minds of many.
Sometimes people reach out to me,
Other times just dumping in a cryptic and cyber reality,
Loosens the shackles,
Not setting me free entirely,
But helping me,
And allowing others to see.
The real help,
Often doesn’t help at all,
On nights like this,
Leaving me picking up the pieces,
From the kick and punch,
Whole loads of triggers you poured,
That left me in a mess,
Showering helpless.
Feeling worse than before,
I shall not blame anyone in particular,
But the psychosis is ticking,
Depression is knocking,
Anxiety bubbling,
And self-harm compelling.
I fear to say this out loud,
So I shall share with my Internet crowd.
Just a bump in the road,
Knock on the head,
By this time tomorrow,
This bubbling sorrow will simmer,
Or i’ll be dead,
It’s only black and white in my BPD head.

Not For Me!

Four walls here,
There,
And everywhere,
Imprisoned,
Tinned up,
Marching Penguin’s,
No space to be,
Nor room to be free,
Manufactured,
We must follow suit,
Leaving no room for true self discovery!
I wish that they would disintegrate,
The designed walls,
That keep us confined,
And leave us alone,
To absorb the fresh air,
Breaking free from the dictatorship and despair,
With every inhalation,
We could process and compose ourselves,
With every exhalation,
We could simply be,
Free,
Have a shot at fulfilling our true destiny,
Not just succumb to what society wants us to be!
I dream of not being confined by wealth,
Highrachy,
Class,
Race,
Gender,
Sexuality,
And history,
Of not being told who and what I can be,
No spotight,
Audience,
Or poker face required,
Because I would be free,
If the bars came down,
No shackles,
Nor walls,
Would have a hold on society,
Perhaps then I could discover,
The real me!
They call me a dreamer,
As I long for freedom and equality,
For wishing that blood, sweat and tears would evaporate with the mist,
For peace not war,
For no exploitation,
To rid of all cruelty and man made ugliness,
If longing for a world like this,
And believing that it could exist,
Puts me at risk,
Hightens my lable of insanity,
Then insane I shall be,
Because this ugly world that we live in,
It’s not for me!

I believe that I have solved the mystery…

Thrice is the key!
Forget about medical science and astronomy,
Physical anatomy,
Literacy and geography,
The puzzle is not encrypted,
Just protected mathematically!
“Mental Health”,
Is just a human branded terminology.
Society are fixated on thinking ahead,
Rather than learning from history.
I know what I am talking about,
Please listen to me,
This is not a conspiracy theory!
Or an alliance with the likes of Scientology!
The case looks complex,
The puzzle unsolvable,
But it isn’t,
The answer is,
Three!
Three of what?
I do not know yet!
It’s a good place to start though,
So….