A Diary From Noone

She spoke but no one heard, every scream seemed a whisper, and so she took pen to paper...

Tag: #friendship (page 1 of 2)

Devils Whisper…

I see what you don’t!
I wish that I could open your eyes,
Rid of your blindness,
And finally let you see,
The beautiful colours around you,
That glistens around your circumference,
All at once,
From below,
And above,
Engulfing your whole mortal coil,
Your entirety,
Love radiates energy that transpires so loudly,
When it is pure,
And true,
It is visible to all,
But seemingly not you!
Somehow blind to it,
You are missing out on this organic beauty,
Is it your mistrust?
Or did I trust too much?
Are your faults to blame?
Or a fault of mine own?
Why am I even a factor?
I know that I have done no wrong,
At least not intentionally,
It’s a two person ticket on your love train,
But,
Envy,
Insecurity,
Suspicions of infidelity,
The devil whispers in your ear,
Clinging onto you,
Trying to ignite flames of jealousy,
Reaping from making you unhappy,
That negativity was his work,
Deceived,
You thought ill of me.
You being untrustworthy of me,
Has truly grazed me,
Bruised me,
And now I fear that it may not heal.
I know no other way to be but myself,
And so I wonder,
Am I at fault?
If so,
Will I continue to be,
Because I know not what to do,
But be myself,
Honest and true,
I would never betray you.
Has the Devil tainted your vision?
Distorted you perception?
Manipulated your impression?
Shaken you up enough to feel owed a confession?
When in fact this was the devils mission,
I have nothing to confess,
Yet I fear that my innocence has left you upset.
I now know not how to act,
What to do,
And fear that the only resolution is to distance myself from you.
I lose two,
But love should always come first,
If my absence is your remedy,
I back down humbly,
But let my actions not fool you,
I accept this duty for the saviour of your romance,
The only love I have ever had for either of you,
Has always been equally platonic.
Either way indecent thoughts were felt,
And travelled from a Devils whisper,
Delivered by your tongue,
Like a bullet to my head.
My heart belongs to another,
And even if there were any truth in the sabotage,
And Devils lies,
I hope one day you may recognise,
That I am loyal,
And would never betray someone,
Some two dear to me,
Never you,
Never you two,
I hope one day,
You may sincerely accept that fact loud and clear,
And come to love and trust me again too!

Benjamin Cre Cre…

If I had a brother,
He would be none other,
Then the spitting image of you.
The things you do,
The things you say,
The way you are,
Is nothing but true.
You have the kindest of hearts,
Wise,
Talented,
Intuitive,
Spiritual,
And wholesome,
The sweetest of souls,
I could eat you whole,
My supportive friend,
I thank my lucky stars that you stumbled into my life,
At a time when we were both vulnerable,
We found one another,
Music brought us together,
We made a bond so unexpected,
So strong,
Two years later,
We are still bumbling on,
We will never part,
No matter what,
Our mutual connection through art,
Will never cease or die,
Until the bitter end,
I thank my lucky stars,
Because you are a true,
True,
Best friend.

Kate Wilkins…

When you sing,
Conduct,
And share your music,
Like an anchor sinks into the deep and seemingly endless sea,
A magnet of force,
Draws it directly to the very bottom,
My ears fall into a mythical utopia,
And your melodious sound engulfs me whole,
Hypnotised and mesmerised,
I feel every note,
Pump through my veins,
Clear my head,
My heart beats in unison with you,
My soul rises like the sun,
And time no longer bares any meaning,
I am with you,
And we are one.

Hot Coals…

Prematurely,
Petrified,
Terrified,
I walked across hot coals,
Bare foot,
Vulnerable,
Exposed,
Scolding,
I did it for you!
Would you have done it for me too!?
Current evidence seems to prove not.
Because I am out of sight,
It seems that you have forgot,
It is the only reason that I can think of,
To justify just how rotten,
Your lack ofor support has been.
One should always consider complications,
Things aren’t always as they seem,
But in this case,
Whilst I suffer,
You seem to have wiped your hands clean!

Left Sore…

Stranded and alone,
I felt scared,
All of my positivity disappeared.
Let down,
I could not fathom your mood,
Left as easy bate,
I was lucky to have not been pursued,
As I sat crying,
No idea where I was,
In the dark,
At an unfriendly time.
The truth is,
I am not well,
Even the slightest trigger,
Could send me to hell!
The incident plays and replays in my head,
Just a little hiccup for you,
Drove me to despair,
Nearly ending up dead.
And yet still no apology,
How very disappointing,
And unfair,
Did you even care?
Now safe,
Home at last,
Yet the memory of the incident,
I cannot put down to the past!
It will stay in my head forever more,
Emotionally bruised,
And very sore.

Making Friends…

Someone very wise once told me that if when we die, we can count all of our friends on one hand, we have had a good life

You would think that making friends would get easier with age,
Practice makes perfect,
We have been doing it all of our lives,
But on the contrary,
As we grow we obtain baggage,
It weighs us own,
We become more complex,
Less daring,
Less innocent,
Less forgiving,
And shut the door to the unknown,
Which we once welcomed with open arms,
We were not deterred by thoughts, worry or fear,
Our guards were once down,
But today,
Inevitable pain from loss and rejection effect’s us so much,
We learn to barricade ourselves off for protection,
But then often find ourselves alone!

Drifting…

Is it selfish of me to be cross?
To expect things from you that I cannot do myself?
Should a postcode determine a friendship?
Should making a journey deter you from seeing me?
Should my anxiety forbid me from travelling to you?
No!
But it has!
But it does!
I don’t want our relationship to require, “Making an effort”.
I don’t want to chase you.
I don’t want to have to say.
You should just know!
You used to!
And so it saddens me to admit,
yet I cannot deny,
that things have certainly changed.
Once a priority now it seems obligatory.
That leaves me alone and riddled in pain.
Alone,
A recluse,
hanging onto distant memories that fade everyday.

Firsts, for the umpteenth time….

This particular poem deserves an explanation.
I have been catching trains, busses and the tube for years. I was the queen of public transport. No journey to long and far or near and short. I moved to London at the age of eighteen. I had already become familiar with the London underground from as young as sixteen, as I would often visit the, “Big City of London” to perfect my acting skills at the likes of, “The National Youth Theatre” where I lived in halls and ferried myself around the city, to and from classes. I also have a lot of family in London and would find myself travelling from north to south, quite frequently whilst in the city.
From fourteen, I would often catch a train alone, all the way from Birmingham to Devon and back again, to visit my best friend at the time.
I had been catching busses alone in Birmingham from the age of ten/eleven. Being a city girl and then growing up and moving to an even bigger city, I was always comfortable and confident using public transport. Somewhere along the way, after having my breakdown, I first had troubles leaving the house at all, then as my confidence began to grow back, surprisingly I began to experience panic attacks every time I had to travel via public transport. The sort that draw unwanted attention and have you quite beside yourself. I really thought that I was ready to travel again but evidently, I was not! It got to the point that I just had to stop trying. It was making me so unwell, the panic, the anxiety, simply wasn’t worth it. I then discovered walking. This is now my favourite type of transportation, providing that I am not wearing heels. I am not always financially equipped to rely upon taxi’s, yet I still had hospital appointments to commit to, and so I used my feet. Some days I walk over six miles but if I have my music on, know the route, comfortable shoes on, the whole travelling experience is far less stressful. The fresh air and exercise really helps my mental health, but sometimes either the weather, distance, or my state of mind, can hinder the option of walking.
Most of my best friends live in London, the city that was my home for eleven whole years. It is a little one sided expecting them to come and visit me all the time but whilst I am in recovery, such a huge journey to see them is not currently an option. I have missed many a special occasion, because my mental health has hindered my confidence, abilities and to some extent my freedom! Someone recently asked me, “Why would you let such a little thing like anxiety dictate your life and what you want to do with it? After all, what is the worst that could happen.” All though the question came from a good place, it sparked a flame of anger inside of me! No one lets their health deteriorate by choice. No one welcomes any illness or symptoms, whether it be an illness of the mind or body. No one opts for pain or misery. No one would welcome all that I have had to endure with my sickness over the years, the psychosis, hallucinations, suicidal feelings, self hate, self loathing, self-harm, the weight gain. No one chooses such things. After being so independent, it is frustrating to have to rely on professional help, support and medication on a daily basis. It is hard to understand things that do not relate to yourself, your own personal experiences, I get that. This is why this site exists. To give comfort to those that have had to endure what I have had. To educate those who have friends and family like myself and no idea what to do, how to react, get their heads around it all. To my family and friends that are simply wondering what on earth happened and where their Noone has gone!?
I was booked to attend an event this February 2016. My very best friends stag weekend. We were all invited around December 2015. I paid my deposit like everyone else. I didn’t really pay attention to details, the events venue, location, the dates etc. I paid the full fee by Christmas. Not quite realising what I was signing up for, how far away it was, how long it was for and how expensive. I just wanted to go and be with my best mate. I just wanted to celebrate and be happy both with and for him but I didn’t think about all of the travel involved. I would suddenly have to become healthy minded and confident like my old self in order to attend. I was in an unrealistic bubble, thinking that I could jump from 0-100. I would some how need to travel around 207km to get there and go through it again to come back. There were several travel options but nearly all surrounding public transport. I have been having hallucinations for the past three weeks, there has been an increase to my self harm and as the event draw’s closer, I have had to admit to myself that it would all unfortunately be a lot to much, to soon.
Before I came to this decision, my someone came up with a cunning plan. A practice journey to prep me for the journey to London alone (before the accompanied beyond). My someone lives in a place most famous for its cross (I shall reveal no more). This certain place is situated bang in the middle of London and Birmingham. My someone accompanied me one way and then I travelled back the other alone. Yes! Not a typo! I TRAVELLED ALONE! It was very hard but I was focussed. I wanted to accomplish this journey for my best friend. To prepare, as to not disappoint him. My someone put me on the train, my mother was waiting the other end and I hated the whole experience in between, but I did it. With more and more practice, I will hopefully get more and more control back. I know that I will get better with time and practice. Wild horses could not keep me from the wedding. As I went through all this for you (Jam) I may as well dedicate this poem to you also. Thanks for inspiring me to conquer one of my main anxieties. For you, Mr Dale Williams…

You call me to check that I am ok,
I put on a brave voice,
Holding back the tears,
As all my fears come to light.
A little white lie,
I say that I am fine,
When I am actually quite the opposite,
And could murder a glass of wine.
I put down the phone,
And try to embrace being alone.
Glancing out of the window past my reflection,
Lights twinkle and glisten like stars in the sky,
Through the miles and miles of darkness.
My heart still pounds.
With shaking hands I try to alleviate the overwhelming anxiety,
By transferring my thoughts to paper.
Not long to go now,
When I am off this thing,
I will feel a hell of alot safer.

Together Somehow

I am aware that I can get carried away,
I see the light in you.
Our individual circumstances are far from perfect,
But I see your imperfections in a positive light,
You could still be perfect for me.
Helping each other would therefore help ourselves.
Being together without any substance but water,
Could have been catastrophic.
Together somehow,
We came together.
I don’t know whether we want, need or have the strength to commit.
But I know that something is there and we got to ride it.
Together in a bubble of music,
A bubble of conversation,
And restrained penetration,
We fit.
And so lets hold on,
Enjoy the rush of the fast train,
And see where we end up.
No lies,
No fabrication,
Just truth and honesty,
Will lead us to our destiny.
Whether we still fit or go out separate ways,
Life with you now,
In the midst of ill health,
With you around,
I see better days to come.

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